How to find Mr Right or at least a decent man ?

[GreyCloudsAbove]

Hello all

Can you share tips on finding the right partner or a decent man ? What to look for and what you would see as immediate red flag ? The pool of men in their 30s or early 40s seems shocking. Or is it me ?

Trying OLD, not got much chance to meet anyone the old school way due to very limited time.

Can you share your success stories of when you thought you weren't going to meet the right partner and they came along ?

Fed up woman 🙈

I'm on the app so I can't select/paste bits (so, sorry for quoting everything!)

Fair point with the sperm donor thing. If kids are a priority, go for it, but if attractiveness to men is, and you have time (still young), definitely don't do this. Many like to do the "ive found the opppsite" thing, but virtually unanimously (unless already a single parent), men (and women!) prefer not to date single parents.

The point of my post was more that there are two ways of finding someone. Go to them, or attract them. I'm sure most would prefer to attract and weed out, rather than spend the effort searching. Hence why I asked what OP is putting out there that she thinks will attract the sort of men she wants.

I feel like all I attract is red flags 🤣

I think personally its a mixture of

• perseverance and a numbers game
• not wasting time on ones when you’ve seen the red flags
• being open minded on some things like height and looks so that you’re not just swiping on the men that get the most matches and think a lot of themselves/feel like they’ve all got all the options
• focusing efforts on the ones new to OLD rather than the old pros who have been on there for a while

there will be someone out there for you!

In summary it seems don't do OLD, but do OLD.

Free apps are for time wasters, and then paid services like Match are full of mummy boys who are best avoided.

Go to social groups? Not sure what sort those are. For me they're all for retired people.

You had your 20s to find a decent man. They're all gone now.

Kind of inclined to agree!

I spent my 20s and most of 30s doing lots of my own stuff - career, spending plenty of time with parents, nieces/nephews, doing all my (female oriented) hobbies, doing my house up etc...

Next thing I know, I look up and I'm late thirties and all the good ones have gone!

The problem with life is it can only be lived going forwards but understood looking backwards.

Those who snapped up men in their 20s had the right idea.

I thought I did! The mask slipped after DC and it was like being with a stranger ! The thing is when I met him I wasn't even bothered about being in relationship so no idea how I missed the red flags or maybe I didn't understand narcissism well enough - I was only nearing mid 20s when we got together so clearly too naive 🤷‍♀️ Nothing I can do about that now.

In my limited experience I tend find this mindset more locally (towns and villages) where people are less aspirational, basically they see their life as leaving school, getting a basic job, having a family, getting divorced in their early 30s.

I think you find a different sensibility in cities where people are more career orientated.

I'm trying to look at dating in cities rather than local towns because of this mindset.

I'd recommend leaving out the girly brunches on your OLD profile unless you're going to be inviting him along.

Also, you seem to have missed out long country walks and roaring fires. Surely that's on 95% of people's lists, although most of them have just done it once.

The thing is though, lots of men in their 20s weren't that great in their twenties. But women settled for them (and vice versa of course) and sometimes they improved with age and sometimes they didn't. But a lot of people who 'snapped up' partners in their twenties had to endure a fuck ton of bs.

Some decent people leave those relationships older and wiser and ready to date other people.

I’d also agree with this. Wish I’d known early 20’s that was the time to meet a good one.

I have met someone, but he was one of the ones where the ex was pretty bad ( I know they all say this, but have independent verification on it)

He is one of the decent ones that would’ve worked at even an ok-ish marriage.

Most of the good ones pair up early and stay married - even if the marriage isn’t stellar.

There are good guys out there, but they are rare.

I wonder if you attract red flags because you are as you put it “versatile” which actually sounds lovely (what a wide range of interests) but may be seen by men as “will put up with my weird hobbies and any other shit I throw at her”.

@GreyCloudsAbove i think your description of yourself and likes and dislikes reveals the big problem with OLD.

I’d agree - it’s nice to go out to a party, but also to enjoy country walks. But OLD seems to pigeon hole people - it’s either mr shy and sensitive or mr party animal. And I think people try to fit into one type or another to ‘sell’ themselves.

also qualities such as ‘good sense of humour’ - what does that mean? Does anyone think they have a shit sense of humour?

I think it’s just impossible to actually get a sense of what someone’s really like.

from your description, I have no idea of the type of character you are - other than you seem to have your shit together. And seem like a regular person who would probably get on well with most types.

I think the key thing is getting to the dates faster. No long texting. I reckon your profile will pass the bar of ‘attractive woman I can have a chat with’ so get loads of dates, then cut at first sign of weirdness.

Also, no one person will meet all your needs. So if someone isn’t a massive party animal, who cares? That’s what friends are for ( and he can pick you up in the evening thus saving on a taxi!)

Love long walks, have a dog 😍 got a fireplace too 🤣 get too hot though. The point being about versatile. Most people like one or the other. Yet to meet someone who is willing to try new things or do things they might not like but I want to them just like I would for them 😪

That is a very interesting way to look at it. Ex had zero hobbies apart from drinking beer and watching football. He wasn't interested in going out on dates nor family days out and I love to be active and do stuff.

Feel like I'm very old school about what a relationship should be like and maybe it doesn't fit into the modern world?

For me, it was about going on loads of dates and learning to bin off potential partners straight away if they showed red flag behaviours. You're worth more than putting up with shit.

The quicker you get rid of the chaff, the better chance you'll have to meet nicer people. I met my husband on an app so it's not all bad.

You are nailing it. I have my shit together, I know where I'm going and where I want to be. I do get on with majority types of people but very selective about actual friends. The ones I have are my ride or die. I guess I am quite strong for a woman, I am independent and maybe scare men ? But then I think why would they be scared of someone they know where they stand with? I'd like to have a man that's manly and can lead when needed but also treat me like an equal partner.

I cut off very quickly so no long chatting but I cut majority of men after few messages as I can see they are time wasters / no effort to ask anything about it. Maybe that's where I'm going wrong but I don't have endless time for pointless dates 😬

I'm seriously debating matchmaking agency but they cost around 20k and I don't really want to spend that much money without a guarantee to meet the right guy.

Oh he doesn't have to go partying with me, I'd ve very happy to have a guy to rely on to pick me up for example. Never had that 🤷‍♀️ in fact it was always me looking after the ex...

Deflating to say the least

Maybe it's worth spending a bit more time figuring out what you really want to do, abd being a bit more forthright about that?

That's fab. I love to hear success stories 😍 So happy that people have met their partners on apps and it worked

Think about your own boundaries and red flags.

Know the things you really don't want in a partner/lover/husband. This is important.

Have conversations before you meet. Listen to what they say. Are they kind about people? Do they have friends of long-standing? Are they actually a decent person? Is the person they're showing you genuine? Do their actions meet their words?

Keep your senses alert.

Don't put up with shit - the moment a boundary is definitely - and deliberately - jumped and there's no accountability, get rid and move on. No matter how much they say they're sorry and it won't happen again, if you accept it, they'll do it again.

And don't put up with shabby, shitty behaviour. Ever.

There are decent men who want what you want, don't pick one who doesn't...

You won't find mr perfect, he doesn't exist. But hold out for mr perfect-for-you.

I met DH on match.com when we were both 41 and I was a single parent with 2 young DS, we're now 54 and still happy.

I hear you op, I've dated on and off for 2 years and it's been pretty exhausting. I've used tinder, bumble, match, eharmony and facebook dating. I've found no difference in quality between free/paid for apps. There are unhinged men and nice men on all of them.

For me it has been a case of volume and being quite brutal about cutting things off if I'm not feeling it, if they mess me about or our values and lives don't match. I've met some lovely men, some awful men, I've had many laughs and many tears, as well as downright odd experiences.

I'm with someone now who I just clicked with on all levels. I'm very attracted to him but he's not my usual 'type' physically and I met him on a free app. He has some baggage as we all do in our 30s/40s but he's showed me nothing but 100% effort and consistency so far.

My advice would be to focus on how a man makes you feel, just as much as how you feel about him. Falling head over heels for a charmer is no good if he just makes you feel anxious and unsure of where you stand or what he wants.

I find OLD a bit depressing and I keep giving up with it. I’m 52 so a lot older than you! I have found better quality men on Tinder, surprisingly, and two of them I went on a date with (although it didn’t go further iykwim) are now friends and we message regularly and meet up for a cuppa.

My sister in law has met a nice man on Match (my brother passed away a few years ago) and they’re both 67! They’ve just been on holiday together!

I think it’s luck and being in the right place at the same time! Good luck 🤞

I found my lovely man on Bumble. He'd been on 24 hours when I snapped him up. I'd been on/off for 7 years.
We talked on Bumble for over a week before we met.