How to find Mr Right or at least a decent man ?

[GreyCloudsAbove]

Hello all

Can you share tips on finding the right partner or a decent man ? What to look for and what you would see as immediate red flag ? The pool of men in their 30s or early 40s seems shocking. Or is it me ?

Trying OLD, not got much chance to meet anyone the old school way due to very limited time.

Can you share your success stories of when you thought you weren't going to meet the right partner and they came along ?

Fed up woman 🙈

My friends have had success on the OLD sites that you have to pay for, seems to attract men who are more serious about meeting someone rather than a casual fling.

It's very, very difficult once you get deep into 30's and into 40's. I wish you good luck though!

Ask yourself, why do you want a man?

Companionship, sex, someone to empty the bins?

I would have thought the decent ones have stayed with their partners. By the time anyone’s in their forties, they’ve probably already been married and got children. If they’re now single there will be some baggage.

Try Laura Buckley, you will find her in Linkedin or Google. She's from Brighton and is an excellent matchmaker. Currently in Bali, but working. Secret Alchemy is her company

Any specific ones to recommend ?

I'd like a full package to be fair... I feel I'm quite close to full package and very versatile. I don't seem to find anyone that matches my energy 😪

I think it was the match.com one but the paid version, two have had long term relationships from there and one is recently engaged! All lovely fellas.

Whereas my other friend has been doing hinge and another free one I can’t remember the name of and she’s had nothing but timewasters!

Thank you, hinge, Bumble and the rest are really full of time wasters ! Such a shame. I might give Match a go 😎

Be very very fussy about the red flags and quite open about more general things. Eg you might want to be more flexible in either direction on things like age, on what kind of job they have etc - but no second chances if they seem lazy, unkind, unreliable etc

I think it's best to start by having a really clear idea of the fundamentals of what you value in a relationship, and also accept that love can take time to grow. Maybe focus on kindness, mutual respect and friendship rather than looks and romance, which can easily fade. I found someone on an old style dating site when I'd given up! So perhaps focus on enjoying life as it is, expanding your horizons through travel, learning or hobbies but be open to possibilities at the same time, rather than a quest to find 'the one'.

The key is volume. Date many. Reject as soon as you lose interest.

Decide if you're the sort of person who can be a step parent or not early on.

I think as others have said, when you’re looking at 30’s/40’s you’d be best deciding how you feel about certain things or what you are looking for in a relationship early on to weed out anybody you’re incompatible with.

So as an example, decide how you feel about being a step parent, or being with a man who has kids.

In that age bracket many will be divorced/separated from long term partners, so there will be some baggage there, decide what your hard lines would be on that early on. As an example a man who is divorcing but still cohabiting with his ex, everyone has a different opinion, you need to decide what yours is.

And in general what you want out of a relationship, you haven’t mentioned your age but think about things like do you want kids? Are you looking for someone to start a family with? Are you looking for someone you’d want to buy a house with etc?

I have a few friends in the online dating game who have been in it for awhile and it can be ruthless so I know what you mean, lots of people who want dates/sex but not so much long term relationships.

Yes bumble that’s the other! She’s found it mostly men just after a fling, they don’t even read her profile of what she wants so will contact her when their profile says they don’t want kids and hers says she does etc. I think if men are paying to be on a site they’ll take it more seriously than the free ones and like I say 3 have had great success!

How old are you? are you looking to have kids?

I have no doubt you are the full package. I know so many women in late 30’s to late 50’s who are the full package and single. The only reason they are single is a mixture of bad luck in not meeting a decent bloke and having a high bar.

unfortunately, the same can’t be said of men. Many have unresolved issues. Also a large chunk have quite ‘old fashioned’ views of a partner- you’d be surprised how many just want a women to shag and make their life easier. So many aren’t interested in finding an ‘equal’ or a friend.

many of the men that age who tick all the boxes want a younger partner ( which is actually a red flag about their personality and shows they don’t want an equal partner either - more a trophy, or to feel like the ‘senior’ partner)

If you want kids and don’t have them yet, I’d consider doing it yourself. Then continue looking for a partner. Being a single parent has never been an issue for me and it takes the pressure off making it work with someone because you want a family.

But take heart! I’m late 40’s and met someone special. He is same age as me, responsible, well balanced, kind and fun to be with. How did this happen? Not through the apps.

I met him at a sports activity we both do. It wasn’t instant attraction- I genuinely had given up. But we got on well, became friends and before I knew I began to fancy him. He was the same and taking a break from dating.

had Previously had some success on the apps. They aren’t that bad - the relationships just didn’t work over time. So there are decent men out there, but there is a lot of dross.

However, my current relationship shows up the problem with OLD. I don’t think I’d have swiped on my DP! We are quite different. He physically isn’t necessarily my type. Work in different fields. It’s also really difficult to gauge things like warmth and humour on a dating profile- of course people can say they are, but words and reality don’t often match up. Even honest people truly struggle to describe themselves accurately.

so by all means, stick at the apps. But accept it’s a high failure rate. But also do things where you are meeting men while being involved in something you enjoy and widen your social circle as much as possible. It sounds very old school, but you’re more likely to meet someone on your wavelength if it a friend of a friend. And don’t dismiss nice people too early.

Great advice. Seconded!

I also agree with this!
I met DH when I was your age, didn't think he was my type but we became friends. A couple years later friendship turned to dating (very randomly) then marriage, DC, we are still very happily together almost 20 years later.
I thought I needed someone very similar to me but DH is rather different and turns out that balance works (though we have loads of common interests)
Above all else he's a very kind and generous person. I had never weighted that enough before.

Piqued my interest now...

You said you have the full package, what is that package? Sell yourself as if speaking to a man.

I hear guys saying they're six packed, love shopping, dancing, being social, romantic movies, as if this is what 'normal' women want, when many women i know would just be happy with someone who helps fold the sheets! I feel women often try to do the same with men, which is why I ask.

I somewhat disagree with some of the other posts, though. I understand it's a numbers game, but if a guy senses he's competing with others, and that you're dating a different guy each day to make your decision a month later, he'll feel played and you'll likely lose all of them!

Also, sperms donor post above, nooooo. You're ten times less likely to find a man as a single mum.

Luck. End of story

I'm in the first half of 30s and do have DC. It's been hard post break up because the ex has lost it, gone into drugs and have been messing ( long story, I had made a post about it). I have done therapy to make sure I don't have any issues taken to the next relationship. I earn 6 figures, independent, got my own property, car. I like to travel, I can cook, bake. I dress well, I do gym ( no time for sports as ex doesn't have DC regularly) which could potentially cause issues if I was to find someone albeit I can use a nanny and grandparents so not trying to let this become a negative.

What I struggle with is the personalities I think. When I said I'm versatile, I mean I can and will try anything and everything. I like to read and would choose that over watching football, but I can watch it too and understand it. I enjoy parties but also staying in. I like to do adrenaline stuff like bungee jumps but also like to do girlie brunches. I will enjoy a club with house music but also love the opera. I love to have a laugh and be silly but also deep convos. I don't seem to be able to find anyone that matches that energy. It's one or the other 😭 I almost feel like a stranger and think if there is something wrong with me being so versatile and open to anything/ everything?

I also would want to have more children and i think this is what's getting me down.

On the sperm donor thing- I think you are being very narrow minded.

if OP’s main goal is to have kids, then I’d say it’s a far more realistic way of doing it rather than hoping she meets a decent guy who wants the same ( though it can happen)

im a single mum, have a few friends who have done sperm donor. Have plenty friends who are single mums. Most in LTR which started after kids. I’d say all of them have better relationships than my long married friends. ( if more unconventional)

I think you’ve also mis-understood the numbers game. It’s a key strategy of OLD. No one advertises they are seeing other people when having a coffee. PPs mean that don’t get stuck in only one person- it’s totally acceptable to go on a few first and second dates until you’ve ruled people out or decided they are right for you.

P.S - I’ve never seen a man say he loves shopping on OLD.

As much as I hate the way he put it my dad once said that on paid sites, you find the same dross of men, just looking for better quality women to fuck. And I'm inclined to agree.

In my exp, match was full of mummy's boys and narcissists.

Much prefer straight up tinder.
At least there's a variety of different assholes there.

I use bumble occasionally but tbh I find the men there more lazy. Probably because women have to make the first move on that site so they feel they don't need to make as much effort.

Thanks, I have almost answered your question above in reply to another poster. Unfortunately I am a single mum which I guess is what makes it a lot harder albeit I am trying not to see that as a hindrance. I think it should show resilience, priorities, love, kindness and the fact that I am a good parent. I guess not values that majority of men look for these days.

I did online dating for 3 years before I met my DH online. I met with hundreds of men during that time and my top advice is not to try to understand their this and that. If someone does/says something weird, if you feel off... just move on. If you are not honestly feeling it, just move on to next one.

The different variety of assholes got me spitting me coffee 🤣🤣🤣 Thanks for making me laugh, needed that today ❤️