Adult daughter impinging on my privacy, taking my belongings

[MumToOver18s]

I have a daughter in her mid 20s who is still in full time education and living at home. She has a job but all her money from her part-time job goes on her social life, travelling and clothes. We pay for everything for her. Her room is so messy there is no space to stand on it - dirty clothes, open make-up, sweet-wrappers, drinks with mould growing in them. I have repeatedly asked her to try to keep her room clean, but it falls on deaf ears. I am not allowed enter her room and at this stage, am happier not to go in there, it is so bad. However, she constantly comes into my room to use my hairdryer and straightener and when she is sitting at the dressing table, pokes around, uses my perfume, mascara, lipstick, leaves everything scattered around, jars of expensive cream with the lid off, bits of powder everywhere. She then rifles in my drawers, my jewellery box and takes my jewellery without asking. Problems: 1) She doesn’t ask 2) She uses them because she can’t find/ loses her own stuff 3) She could lose mine 4) I’m “selfish” and “horrible” (among other names) if I challenge her. Other Mums please help. What are your thoughts on this?

I had a similar issue when DD was about 14. I bought a lockable vanity case.
At your daughter's age I would do the same, but also suggest she keeps her room in a reasonable state or find somewhere else to live
Maybe offer to help get it straight away too.
Really she is too old for this shit.

I'm afraid OP she sounds like a spoilt, entitled , unpleasant person.

Personally I would be giving her an ultimatum that if she doesn't clean up her room and keep out of your room and show respect for your possessions then she has to leave and find her own place.

Get a lock on your door which seems extreme but when I lived at home my sister wouldn't stop going through my things and I ended up getting a lock for my bedroom door

Other than that though fgs this grown woman is being so unbelievably disrespectful and in all honesty you need to lay down the law

1 keep her room clean and tidy always
2 not use your things ever or enter into your room

And if they don't comply they need to find student accommodation/shared housing and move out.

Is you're not allowed in her room then that should work both ways surely?

This isn't ok and you need to put your foot down OP.

I’m 21. I also work part time, but the difference here is I take responsibility for my own life financially. I don’t think you should be paying for everything for her, I think she should be contributing to the household- even if it’s a small amount- and paying her own way in life. Out of respect she shouldn’t be letting her room get like that and she should keep on top of it. You need to lay down some authority, make her contribute to the household that she’s living in and put a stop to the rest of the behaviour. Good luck OP

Lock.

And go in her room and put everything in bin bags to make a point.

If she complains point out she can take the bin bags and leave or tidy up and stop being a hypocrite and respect your privacy.

Locked vanity case.
And a (or rather another!!) chat about how she isn’t to use your belongings Wo asking first.

Your DD isn't treating you at all well, Op. What are her plans for leaving home?

She wants to leave home as, soon as she's finished her Master's degree. So another full year 😥

Personally, I would enter her room in my size 7 DMs with a bin bag and a damp cloth and anything on the floor will be going to charity. Give her two hours heads-up.

Lock your door and lay down the law. Perhaps it is already time for her to get her own place.

I had my arguments with my mum as a young adult but would never have disrespected her or her home like this! She’d have had my guts for garters.

I would get a lock on the door and keep it locked until she moves out.

What's stopping her living in student accommodation and finishing her degree?

It's too costly for her and for us. We'd also have to pay for accommodation for our younger daughter who is also in full time third level education. Plus I gave up my job in May due to stress and long working hours, so we're not as financially comfortable as we used to be.

Defo get a lock on your door.

I know many would say don't, but I'd tidy her room up and bin all the mouldy stuff etc. as it will smell. And I'd do the washing. Just once.

Id tell her she has to stop using your home like a doss house and any more clothes found in the floor instead of hung up / on a chair or in the washing basket will be chucked out the back (if you have a garden) You'll need to do it a few times but it'll sink in.

I'd get a part time job doing something less stressful as we all have to work as it's good due our health to have workmates and he productive etc not to mention we need cash.

Then you can start saving so little miss can get out of yours and into somewhere nice. And safe obv.

Don't give up. She's a cheeky madam.

Stop paying.for everything, she needs to budget with her earnings if she wants to competently leave home ASAP and put a lock on your door she's being really bloody rude.

If you are banned from going in her room, she is banned from going in yours. She is behaving appallingly!

I would tell her you’ve had enough and put a lock on the bedroom door at the weekend.

Stop paying for anything for her.
Definitely a lock on your door.
Tell her you will go through her room and throw her mess out, and do it.

Her behaviour is abusive and I would be packing a bag for her.
If she doesn't value her educational opportunity, why should you?

Tell her to contact friends for a sofa because her parents want her to leave.

She needs tgowrow the hell up.
Stop tolerating it.

Absolutely fit a lock to your door. Make sure the key is kept with you at all times. My friend keeps her house keys on her belt at all times like a Victorian housekeeper because she kept losing them.

It’s lovely that you supported her through her undergraduate degree, but personally I think you should have drawn the line there (not continuing this support through a masters) if she’s not respectful and considerate around the house. Much easier said than done, I’m sure! But she needs to be made aware that you’re going above and beyond.

You said in your first post that her pay goes onto her social life, travelling and clothes. She needs to now allocate this to saving up to move out. A year is not far away and there are a lot of upfront expenses. My 21 year old DD moved out this year and even though she saved up, she had an unexpected car repair cost and I had to lend her the money so her move could still go ahead. I am glad she is out because she is adulting now mentally and our relationship has improved significantly. When I look back, I think she needed to move out for her self esteem and personal growth.

I would definitely lock away the stuff in your room that she’s helping herself to - imagine if she was treating her roommates possessions like that too thinking that it was acceptable.

Put a lock on your door

Tell her you have put a lock on your door and she should be ashamed and embarrassed that her behaviour has made you have to do this.

Tell her she has 2 weeks to clear out her room. If it isn't done, you will go in there and bin stuff.

How did she end up so ignorant and entitled? You're her mother!

So why are you paying for everything for her? She needs to grow up and learn to respect other people’s things, clean up after herself and pay her own way.

She sounds like a young teenager not a woman in her early 20s.

You need to sit her down and explain things need to change, her behaviour is unacceptable.