Adult daughter impinging on my privacy, taking my belongings

[MumToOver18s]

I have a daughter in her mid 20s who is still in full time education and living at home. She has a job but all her money from her part-time job goes on her social life, travelling and clothes. We pay for everything for her. Her room is so messy there is no space to stand on it - dirty clothes, open make-up, sweet-wrappers, drinks with mould growing in them. I have repeatedly asked her to try to keep her room clean, but it falls on deaf ears. I am not allowed enter her room and at this stage, am happier not to go in there, it is so bad. However, she constantly comes into my room to use my hairdryer and straightener and when she is sitting at the dressing table, pokes around, uses my perfume, mascara, lipstick, leaves everything scattered around, jars of expensive cream with the lid off, bits of powder everywhere. She then rifles in my drawers, my jewellery box and takes my jewellery without asking. Problems: 1) She doesn’t ask 2) She uses them because she can’t find/ loses her own stuff 3) She could lose mine 4) I’m “selfish” and “horrible” (among other names) if I challenge her. Other Mums please help. What are your thoughts on this?

You need a lock on your door but your other DD does too - she’ll just see her stuff as fair game instead.

Ds has just finished his Masters, he had a student loan and worked. If she has money for clothes and travel she has money to live in a shared house. Time for her to grow up.

I think in order to change how you parent / deal with her,
you need to understand why you feel so passive in all of this. What are you scared of if you address it?

I'd get a large lockable box. I'd also go in her room and sort out the mess. Bag up clothes and take them to be washed. I wouldnt iron them though. Just fold them up and put back into the bags and place inside her wardrobe. Bag up and throw away rubbish. Vac the floors. Put her hair dryer and straighteners on top of her desk.

@flippyfloppy

a healthy adult in their twenties working and earning is not anything to be proud of- it’s to be expected. It’s not something unusual or special, it’s par the course.

and good for you you wanna share everything you have, OP (and vast majority of people), do not.

@altmember

“Buy dd a hair dryer and straigheners for her next birthday/christmas (why haven't you already?)“

Erm…maybe because she’s an adult and can buy them herself??

This doesnt make any sense, she is a grown adult. She has a job, she can afford to pay for a small studio or bedsit somewhere, doesnt even have to be 'student accommodation' (which personally I find is much more expensive). She just needs a room in a house share somewhere. Why are you tolerating this?

Its not your responsbility to fund her accommodation either within your own home or outside of it.

Why do you have to pay for accommodation for your younger daughter?

Nope. She has had your support through her undergraduate degree. Now she steps up and behaves like an adult. Clean her room and keep it clean, stays out of your room (no way would I put a lock in my door) and pays board. She also has to contribute to cooking - 1 family dinner a week. If she doesn’t like it, then off she pops.

She sounds like a spoilt brat and you’re enabling this. You do need to go hardline with her because if you don’t, she will continue to take the piss.

Who pays the mortgage, rent? That's whose home it is.

My DD (19) can be a borrower sometimes, I'll find make-up in the bathroom and she also went through a phase of raiding DH's T-shirts, because she's into the oversized look over shorts! We could always tell, because she left the drawer open!

You need to be firm with your DD and call her out on this. DH got stroppy about his T-shirts and she's bought some more of her own. Re. Her room. As others have said, it's your house so you need to tell her to clean it up. Yes, it's her space, but you can insist on basic standards of cleanliness.

It’s all been said.

She cleans up or moves out.
She contributes (cooks 2 meals a week/does washing/general housework) or she moves out.
She pays rent or she moves out.
She stays out of your room and keeps her mitts off your stuff or she moves out.

Personally, I’d give her the ultimatum of clean up or get out, although this may backfire, she doesn’t clean up and she moves out. Any other family near by? My bff’s daughter did this and totally turned against her, her room sounded the same as your dd’s, mould, food on plates, disgusting.