Adult daughter impinging on my privacy, taking my belongings

[MumToOver18s]

I have a daughter in her mid 20s who is still in full time education and living at home. She has a job but all her money from her part-time job goes on her social life, travelling and clothes. We pay for everything for her. Her room is so messy there is no space to stand on it - dirty clothes, open make-up, sweet-wrappers, drinks with mould growing in them. I have repeatedly asked her to try to keep her room clean, but it falls on deaf ears. I am not allowed enter her room and at this stage, am happier not to go in there, it is so bad. However, she constantly comes into my room to use my hairdryer and straightener and when she is sitting at the dressing table, pokes around, uses my perfume, mascara, lipstick, leaves everything scattered around, jars of expensive cream with the lid off, bits of powder everywhere. She then rifles in my drawers, my jewellery box and takes my jewellery without asking. Problems: 1) She doesn’t ask 2) She uses them because she can’t find/ loses her own stuff 3) She could lose mine 4) I’m “selfish” and “horrible” (among other names) if I challenge her. Other Mums please help. What are your thoughts on this?

Lock your bedroom door.

Sprinkle some black rice in various places in her room, even by her pillow and then tell her she must have attracted mice into the house with her filthy left over food and drink etc.

Give her some rubber gloves, bin bags and cleaning stuff and get her to give it a deep clean to get rid of the vermin.

That should sort it.

Put your jewellery, makeup and hairdryer/straighteners in a box and lock it away in the boot of your car.

Sorry but your daughter is seriously disrespectful.

How are you going to feel when she ends up losing your expensive jewellery?

She needs to clean up her room, so that she can find her own stuff.

Good grief, op, what in the fuck are you thinking. Take control and stop enabling your spoiled twat of a daughter. Her behaviour and your lack of action are absolutely outrageous. I have a 25 year old daughter and she wouldn't dream of behaving this way.

Tell your daughter she has one week to clean her room. If it's not done to your satisfaction, you will be going in there and disposing of any and all filthy rubbish, and if some of her things become collateral damage, oh well.

From today, she is no longer allowed in your room without your permission and she is not to touch your things. End of discussion.

FFS, op, you are doing her absolutely no favours. She needs to grow up and treat your home with respect.

She needs to move out OP

She sounds like a massive twat.

Why are you putting up with it AND paying for everything for her??

Is this for real? Mid 20s? You've no income? How are you not angry?
Plenty of advice from other posters, she needs to grow up or move out, pronto.

Honestly I feel living with your parents in your 20s is stunting, and IMO she shouldn't be there. I don't understand why you are still supporting her, given her age and level of disrespect.

She won't be leaving home once she's finished her degree. She has it way too good at home.

Who cleans up her room when she let's it get so bad that there's mould growing in things?

I think I’d have to put everything in her room into bin bags. Make sure mouldy cups and rubbish are all mixed in with her clothes then put it all out by the bins. If she wants her stuff back she’ll have to sort it all out and wash everything. There’s no way on earth I’d put up with this

Your posts sound really sad.
She sounds incredibly selfish
Since you obviously want to preserve the relationship, I would try chatting to her about it. She is more than old enough to understand you have feelings.
Set a few rules about cleanliness and respecting your property. But also about taking responsibility for chores and even contributing to the household.
If there is no agreement or improvement then a lock on your door, like other posters suggested is the answer, along with the cessation of any cooking, cleaning or shopping privileges.
I hope she sees sense and grows up

She's an unpleasant entitled spoilt brat. Lock on your door and stop paying for everything ffs 🙄

Quite frankly I would tell her she has to keep her room in a state that isn't going to attract pests, stay out of your room and away from your belongings, and contribute meaninglfully to the labor of maintaining a household, or find somewhere else to live.

I fully support parents providing housing or financial assistance to young adult children. But I don't understand why parents allow a grown adult to live in their house acting like the most spoiled rotten child in the world. The expectations on an adult living at home should be considerably higher than those of a teen or child. What is your daughter learning from being empowered to live in a paid-for home with zero responsibilities and zero consideration for others? You're not providing a scaffolding into independent, healthy adult life and relationships, you've just enabled her to have all the privilages of adult life with none of the responsibilities towards others or herself.

Adults shouldn't need to be assigned chores or be told not to use other people's things without their permission because they are supposed to do those things on their own initiative. They are supposed to learn to budget income so that they have some "fun" money after paying for their bills. They either have to find a way to manage the costs and effort of maintaining their own household or they need to find people who will share in that endeavor (share in, not do it for them). It sounds like yours isn't doing any of that or making progress towards it. So the options are that she can be treated at a level that matches her current behavior (assigned chores, given rules and consequences for not following them, expected to pay some of her non-fun expenses) or she can go off and find out whether a housemate or landlord will put up with this behavior from a grown adult.

If you are not allowed in her room, she is not allowed in yours.

Get a lock for both your room and your other DD's room.

This one has failed to lauch into adulthood, which you much take some responsibility for.

Sounds like your daughter also lives with me! With mine I moved things along a bit by pointing out what behaviours were aged 13 instead of age 23. And also saying if you wouldn’t treat your friends like that don’t treat me like that. But I often think that’s a nice jumper you’re wearing then realise it is actually mine!
her boyfriend was also v helpful as when her came round she would shift into adult
mode and start cleaning and tidying
good luck it’s tough and young people do have real problems launching due to costs of rent etc

You shouldn’t need to lock your own door in your own house.

Something that will only affect your daughter is to take her bedroom door off its hinges. I have heard of it done with teenagers but I assume the effect will be the same.

Be prepared for the tantrum.

You need a serious talk with this spoiled, self centred madam. If she wants to live at home she has to completely tidy up and change her attitude. If that means she can’t afford to do her masters tough shit - she had the opportunity to stay at home if she behaved like a mature adult. She’ll just have to get a job, live elsewhere and save up money to do her masters in the future. It’s a simple choice - she can sort herself out and carry on at home or leave. It’s à perfectly reasonable thing to ask.

first the gentle talk, our finances have changed since i can no longer work. i am no longer able to pay for your xyz.
as you know i'm under a lot of stress, i need your room cleaned up and kept to a higher standard. my house my rules.
because you appear unable to clean up after yourself, take responsibility for shared space and belongings you may not enter my room.
you have 24 hours to sort your room.
under no circumstance may you enter my room.
otherwise you will have to find accommodation elsewhere (maybe you have a no nonsense sister or mom who is able to allow her couch surfing privileges).

Mmm going against the grain here.... I would address the room issue and being untidy,and unhygienic I wouldn't stand for that. However no issue at all her coming into my room using my things, sharing things, what's mine is hers. Proud she is earning and spending on fun things in life, it's the only time in life you can!

After a bit of an explanation on why these things are important, you finish with 'You need to do X/stop doing Y or move out by (insert date)'.

It doesn't matter whether she wants to. It doesn't matter whether she can afford it. Shrug and tell her it's her decision - live in your home by your standards or find her own way.

A lock on the bedroom door is completely impractical though.

Buy dd a hair dryer and straigheners for her next birthday/christmas (why haven't you already?). The tell her that she isn't allowed in your room, just like you aren't allowed in hers. If she can't comply with that, then tell her it's your house, your rules, and the first rule is that her room needs to be kept in a fit state. If she doesn't won't agree to that give her 30 days to find somewhere else to live. If she's still there after that, bag all her stuff and leave it on the front door step.

Put a lock on the bedroom door.

Tell her she must contribute to the household out of her wages. Ie a proportion of all bills, in relation to her earnings of course.

Don't cook or clean or laundering for her or buy her food as the norm. She's an adult and can supply her own meals. Of course if you want to cook sometimes and share with her then do so.

Take all your crockery and cups and stuff that she's left in her room to go mouldy and throw them in the bin. Then tell her you'll give her a set of one of each thing, or otherwise she's to buy her own if she can't do washing up.

If the room has mould or other issues then tell her you'll help her clean up once and for all. But she must do the majority. But you'll work together for a few hours one day. Maybe showing her some things if she's genuinely ignorant of certain cleaning techniques.

Then maybe after that you could do something nice like go out for a meal, hopefully having made her see responsibility is a good thing.

If she does not maintain at least a decent hygeine level then you could consider asking her to leave.

It's not fair for her to behave like this as an adult. You're doing her no favours letting it carry on.
This wouldn't be acceptable in a flat share or if she was living with a partner.

@BobbyBiscuits why should the OP end up throwing out her own crockery (dishes cups and cutlery) who will replace the missing set pieces?
i'm not saying that the idea of the dd having her own set of indestructible corelle type dish set, but hell would freeze over before i take a denby bowl or crafted mug and ditch it leaving me with a miss matched number of pieces.

OP, your daughter sounds like a tyrant.
So fed up of her own filthy room is she that she prefers to move into your lovely room, sit at your dressing table and mess up all your stuff like she has her own.
You should be very angry about that. It’s disgusting behaviour on her part.

The question is …why do you allow this to happen?
The longer you leave the show-down where you lose your acceptance of her filthy, lazy, selfish, slovenly ways and tell her exactly what’s what, the worse she becomes and the more she takes advantage of you.

It’s your job to tackle this head on if you want her to be prepared for life.
She needs a short sharp shock at how lucky she is not to be paying board and lodging. You need to get very tough.

Tell her that she has been taking advantage of your good will long enough and you no longer like the person she has become so you now have to issue an ultimatum.
Tell her you have thought about it hard and you will no longer

enable her to live like a filthy pig in your home.
Either she behaves like an adult or she is no longer welcome to take her room for granted.

Tell her that if she can’t sort her room to your own level of cleanliness and tidiness by Sunday afternoon then the room is no longer freely available to her after leaving it on Monday morning. When she asks what that means, tell her you will be in that room on Monday morning and every Monday morning from now on, to check it’s clean and tidy to your expectations.
Make your expectations and rules very clear. Tell her if your expectations aren’t met, you will be binning everything to the garage, cleaning everything in there and using the room for other purposes and so she will no longer be able to consider it her own, but will have to ask every Sunday evening if there is a room for her for the next week.

Make it crystal clear that taking her privileges for granted and abusing your wishes have led to this and if she doesn’t step up and start acting like an adult, grateful for her free board and lodging, you will take your own measures to sort it.

Tell her you are available to help her sort her room for an hour or two on Saturday morning at 9am. But after that she has to maintain it to your standards on a weekly basis until you can trust her again.

And tell her to buy her own hair dryer and straighteners as your room, make up, jewellery is no longer available to her ever again. Your room is your own private space and sadly, she isn’t welcome in there to mess with your stuff.

Door lock

tell her not to entry the room and it’s rude to do so! She needs to grow up and respect her parents

what a great technique @LAMPS1
i should note that down for future reference (when my dd is faced with this) 🙂