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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Boyfriend's behaviour when he gets female attention

61 replies

GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 10:25

Just that really, I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable to be unsettled by it.
One woman who is the wife of a not particularly close friend in my friend group makes a beeline for him when we all meet up. She will sit next to him for most of the evening and he will often be engrossed in their conversation, leaning forward, lots of giggling and eye contact, she sometimes whispers in his ear, I hear snatches of intimate conversation, the sort you have when you're bonding. He really laps up the attention, he's quite shy and usually awkward with people and is usually fairly quiet and distant in groups.

They do a sort of negging thing as well where they will jokingly be horrible to each other. One time she laughed at me and said look at her (my) face, she's really pissed off, I was waiting for them to finish their conversation so we could leave, I don't know if I looked pissed off. Her husband doesn't seem bothered.

My partner has a lot of female friends and I feel like in the past his boundaries with them haven't been very good. He made passes at a couple of them, one when he was in a relationship. If he's like that in front of me I wonder what he's like when I'm not there and what would happen if one of these women pursued him.

He says he's not doing anything wrong because he doesn't fancy her and refuses to talk about it saying that I'm being controlling.

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 11/09/2024 10:28

You are controlling because he is being disrespectful? Run. Been there done that worn the bloody tshirt. He is not the one for you.

DadJoke · 11/09/2024 10:31

It’s OK for you to set boundaries. It’s OK for him not to accept them - but that’s the end of the relationship.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 11/09/2024 10:31

This is called stray sexual energy.
He’s putting it out there and seeing how far he can push it.
100% he’ll be doing much worse behind your back!

He’s showing you who he is - the choice is yours - do you want to date someone like that or not? You’ll not change him.

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 11/09/2024 10:33

MiddleagedBeachbum · 11/09/2024 10:31

This is called stray sexual energy.
He’s putting it out there and seeing how far he can push it.
100% he’ll be doing much worse behind your back!

He’s showing you who he is - the choice is yours - do you want to date someone like that or not? You’ll not change him.

Echoing this… I was going to say if he’s comfortable doing this in front of your face, what do you think he’s doing behind your back?

TheCultureHusks · 11/09/2024 10:35

Just get rid. He’s rubbish, not at all a worthwhile partner.

She’s in your friend group - so if you dump him does that mean you still socialise with her? If so I’d plan your chat to her in advance.

’Yes we went our separate ways. Just trust issues I suppose, he was always fine with me but I just used to see the way he was with people and just think it’s not for me, you know? Like he’d always be all over people and super friendly then slag them off to me once we were alone. Really flirty or matey then really nasty about them afterwards. Not my style’

that will give her something to think about 🤣

Calliopespa · 11/09/2024 10:44

I couldn’t be bothered with him.

That woman needs reining in - either by his response or her DH. It’s rude anyway, but the “look at her face” really went too far.

Catandsquirrel · 11/09/2024 10:46

Well he's made clear he doesn't want to stop flirting with this woman. He's got previous form, and you know he has acted on it- made passes. He has also accused you of being controlling. It's up to you.

What do you want? You can't stop him from doing it but you can decide your response. I wouldn't accept this or find it attractive so I would end the relationship and look for a man who isn't all over other women.

Edingril · 11/09/2024 10:51

If you need to control someone why bother?

GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 11:55

Psychoticbreak · 11/09/2024 10:28

You are controlling because he is being disrespectful? Run. Been there done that worn the bloody tshirt. He is not the one for you.

Yes apparently I am because he isn't doing anything wrong 🤔

OP posts:
GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 11:58

DadJoke · 11/09/2024 10:31

It’s OK for you to set boundaries. It’s OK for him not to accept them - but that’s the end of the relationship.

Yes, I'm not getting anywhere with him so it seems that way

OP posts:
GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:00

MiddleagedBeachbum · 11/09/2024 10:31

This is called stray sexual energy.
He’s putting it out there and seeing how far he can push it.
100% he’ll be doing much worse behind your back!

He’s showing you who he is - the choice is yours - do you want to date someone like that or not? You’ll not change him.

I haven't heard that term before, I will look it up. I do wonder if it's about getting an esteem boost rather than trying to sleep with her?

OP posts:
GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:02

SecondFavouriteDinosaur · 11/09/2024 10:33

Echoing this… I was going to say if he’s comfortable doing this in front of your face, what do you think he’s doing behind your back?

Yes if he hasn't got any boundaries in place I do wonder what he's like when I'm not there. I tried to get him to read that not just friends books which I think explains boundaries in relationships really well but he wasn't interested.

OP posts:
GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:05

TheCultureHusks · 11/09/2024 10:35

Just get rid. He’s rubbish, not at all a worthwhile partner.

She’s in your friend group - so if you dump him does that mean you still socialise with her? If so I’d plan your chat to her in advance.

’Yes we went our separate ways. Just trust issues I suppose, he was always fine with me but I just used to see the way he was with people and just think it’s not for me, you know? Like he’d always be all over people and super friendly then slag them off to me once we were alone. Really flirty or matey then really nasty about them afterwards. Not my style’

that will give her something to think about 🤣

I've been pretty frosty to her and that's probably as far as I'd go 😂

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 11/09/2024 12:05

Another gaslighting ‘I’ve gone nothing wrong it’s your issue’ bloke - there’s a lot of them about.

He's flirting in plain sight and then calling you controlling for calling him out. He knows what he’s doing and he’s ignoring your boundaries.

I dated someone like this and rather that it being my issue, turns out he was ramming his tongue down various women’s throats when I wasn’t about.

In your shoes I’d be binning him off

GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:06

Calliopespa · 11/09/2024 10:44

I couldn’t be bothered with him.

That woman needs reining in - either by his response or her DH. It’s rude anyway, but the “look at her face” really went too far.

Yes I felt like that was out of order. I think it's up to my partner to stop encouraging her but I don't think that's going to happen

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2024 12:08

I have to wonder why you're even with him. What can you possibly find attractive about such a pathetic, immature man? He sounds like he makes an absolute tit of himself the way he carries on with other women. You really want to be with a specimen like him?

GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:10

Catandsquirrel · 11/09/2024 10:46

Well he's made clear he doesn't want to stop flirting with this woman. He's got previous form, and you know he has acted on it- made passes. He has also accused you of being controlling. It's up to you.

What do you want? You can't stop him from doing it but you can decide your response. I wouldn't accept this or find it attractive so I would end the relationship and look for a man who isn't all over other women.

It's nice to know that I am not being unreasonable. Looks like it is over🙁

OP posts:
GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:12

Edingril · 11/09/2024 10:51

If you need to control someone why bother?

Do you mean that I'm being controlling or that I would need to be on his back all the time if I stayed with him?

OP posts:
GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:14

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2024 12:08

I have to wonder why you're even with him. What can you possibly find attractive about such a pathetic, immature man? He sounds like he makes an absolute tit of himself the way he carries on with other women. You really want to be with a specimen like him?

He's really made me doubt myself, he says I'm being jealous. I had an extremely controlling jealous partner before so I think I am trying really hard not to be like that

OP posts:
GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:16

TwistedWonder · 11/09/2024 12:05

Another gaslighting ‘I’ve gone nothing wrong it’s your issue’ bloke - there’s a lot of them about.

He's flirting in plain sight and then calling you controlling for calling him out. He knows what he’s doing and he’s ignoring your boundaries.

I dated someone like this and rather that it being my issue, turns out he was ramming his tongue down various women’s throats when I wasn’t about.

In your shoes I’d be binning him off

Edited

Good to know my feelings are reasonable, I don't know why it's so hard to trust my instincts

OP posts:
Psychoticbreak · 11/09/2024 12:16

He is using your past against you. He is not right for you. Honestly run!

Aquamarine1029 · 11/09/2024 12:16

GettingColderNow · 11/09/2024 12:14

He's really made me doubt myself, he says I'm being jealous. I had an extremely controlling jealous partner before so I think I am trying really hard not to be like that

Stop investing yourself in sub-standard men. You know he's shit, so act accordingly. He should already be a distant memory by now. You're just wasting your time on this idiot.

TomatoSandwiches · 11/09/2024 12:16

I wonder how he would see it if you did the same, I highly doubt he would think you would be doing nothing wrong.

This man is a sleeze and more than a little pathetic, there's someone much better out there for you.

imverynosey · 11/09/2024 12:19

There's a girl like this in my partners friendship circle, it's one of his friends girlfriends. She tried it before , at a BBQ. That was until I gave her the ultimate death stare and she stayed away from him after that!

pikkumyy77 · 11/09/2024 12:23

Look up DARVO and stop doing it to yourself. You are not abusive because you want your bf to care more about you than random women.