Boyfriend's behaviour when he gets female attention

[GettingColderNow]

Just that really, I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable to be unsettled by it.
One woman who is the wife of a not particularly close friend in my friend group makes a beeline for him when we all meet up. She will sit next to him for most of the evening and he will often be engrossed in their conversation, leaning forward, lots of giggling and eye contact, she sometimes whispers in his ear, I hear snatches of intimate conversation, the sort you have when you're bonding. He really laps up the attention, he's quite shy and usually awkward with people and is usually fairly quiet and distant in groups.

They do a sort of negging thing as well where they will jokingly be horrible to each other. One time she laughed at me and said look at her (my) face, she's really pissed off, I was waiting for them to finish their conversation so we could leave, I don't know if I looked pissed off. Her husband doesn't seem bothered.

My partner has a lot of female friends and I feel like in the past his boundaries with them haven't been very good. He made passes at a couple of them, one when he was in a relationship. If he's like that in front of me I wonder what he's like when I'm not there and what would happen if one of these women pursued him.

He says he's not doing anything wrong because he doesn't fancy her and refuses to talk about it saying that I'm being controlling.

Just sums up the sort of person they are.

Er, in the example you gave of his behaviour with this woman he had no self-awareness, was completely disrespectful to you (and her husband) and he is clearly NOT listening to you when you tell him how it all makes you feel.

All those good points you mentioned- GONE!

Finish it. He’s an arse and you deserve much, much better.

He has every right to flirt with other women, if thats what he wants to do, however you have every right not to like it or put up with it. Imagine being with someone who makes you uncomfortable with their behaviour regularly, when you go out socially.
I wouldn't put up with it for a moment, unless I had 3 kids and a mortgage with him, and then it might take a month or so to sort out how to get rid of him.

In what way do you think he is respectful? He is being utterly disrespectful towards you over this. And he's certainly not a good listener, as if he were, then he would listen to you and take on board how his giddy flirting with this woman is upsetting and embarassing you in front of everybody. And if he really cannot see what the issue is here, then he is about as lacking in awareness as you can get.

I'm sorry OP, but he isn't going to change his behaviour any time soon and as other pp's point out - if he behaves like this when you are there, what's he like when you aren't around?

I have to admit i have done this and am very embarrassed about it now. But for me it was all about esteem and never about taking it further. I was with DH since i was young and i suppose i missed out on certain experiences so used to enjoy flirting in my 20s with a few of DH friends. Dh never minded it. I liked the way it made me feel attractive and they enjoyed it too so i felt it was harmless as they were single. If we were ever alone together nothing even was hinted at, no boundaries were ever crossed. I'm still mortified about it now though, it seems so pathetic.

I'm not saying it's ok, just reassuring you it may be nothing more than what you see. If it upsets you I think he should reign it in and I also think this woman is being disrespectful of you. I hope it helps give perspective.

Yes I think that is how it is for him as well. What would have happened if your DH had minded? Did you realise that you were doing it at the time or was it just with hindsight?
Do you think he is being disrespectful as well as her?

We are now having a break, basically because I don't want to see him and want some time to make sure finishing the relationship is the right thing to do.

Self aware, respectful, good listener
Well it could be he is and therefore he knows what he is doing, knows how it affects you, and doesn't care;
Or he is when it suits him to be, only;
The fact he is not interested in doing any work on salvaging your relationship is very telling imo

I didn't realise the extent of it until I got a bit older. Someone made a joke when i was in my 30s about me being an awful flirt when I was younger and it upset me and I realised then that everyone noticed and probably gossiped about it all the time. I guess I knew I was doing it but we were young and it was always messing after a few drinks. Because I knew it was harmless I guess I didn't think of how an outsider perceived it.

I presume if DH had said something I would have stopped, but it never arose with his pals. I guess the trust was there on both sides so it was different. I do remember once an old friend was around for a while and I was meeting him, dh got a bit weird about it and he came in to meet him too. I didn't like his attitude but it was brief, this guy lived away and we had lost touch really. He just happened to be around and got in touch. I didn't instigate contact as I knew it would be an issue with Dh but i wasn't pushed anyhow.

I'm still close to the lads, one is my kids godfather. Another one recently brought it up with me in a joking way and he said he was a bit embarrassed too remembering how we used to carry on. He said it was fun because he knew it was safe and i agreed. There is one guy in particular I feel self conscious around hope he has a short memory. I know his now partner wouldn't understand and i hope he doesn't say anything to her. He is the one I feel shamed around and I've become good friends with his wife.

It's a fine line, if someone told me who I could or could not be friends with I would see it as controlling. But obviously flirting in front of everyone is disrespectful. If he knows you see this women as a threat he should back off but the issue is probably down to what each of you considers appropriate. I think he should still be able to talk to her, but the two whispering in the corner is different. That comment she made was nasty, that kind of changes things.

Whatever happens I hope you make the right decision for you. Good luck

Thanks for your messages,
I think he also sees it as harmless and therefore thinks it's ok, maybe I am a bit insecure. I think with his past there is a little bit of me that doesn't trust him. He won't talk to me about it either so is not reassuring me that there is nothing in it.
I think the other thing about your message that struck me is that he is not young, he's in his 40's. So if it is a matter of self esteem I'm thinking maybe he should have sorted it by now.
I don't see her as a threat it's more his behaviour and the fact that he doesn't care if it bothers me.

This ☝️ absolutely perfect way to go.
And he has to go !!