Boyfriend's behaviour when he gets female attention

[GettingColderNow]

Just that really, I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable to be unsettled by it.
One woman who is the wife of a not particularly close friend in my friend group makes a beeline for him when we all meet up. She will sit next to him for most of the evening and he will often be engrossed in their conversation, leaning forward, lots of giggling and eye contact, she sometimes whispers in his ear, I hear snatches of intimate conversation, the sort you have when you're bonding. He really laps up the attention, he's quite shy and usually awkward with people and is usually fairly quiet and distant in groups.

They do a sort of negging thing as well where they will jokingly be horrible to each other. One time she laughed at me and said look at her (my) face, she's really pissed off, I was waiting for them to finish their conversation so we could leave, I don't know if I looked pissed off. Her husband doesn't seem bothered.

My partner has a lot of female friends and I feel like in the past his boundaries with them haven't been very good. He made passes at a couple of them, one when he was in a relationship. If he's like that in front of me I wonder what he's like when I'm not there and what would happen if one of these women pursued him.

He says he's not doing anything wrong because he doesn't fancy her and refuses to talk about it saying that I'm being controlling.

While i understand women can be arseholes too HE is the one in the relationship with the op. It is up to HIM to stop being a knob not for her to warn another woman off. It is decency and respect.

You are not abusive because you want your bf to care more about you than random women.

Yes, and you are not controlling because you expect your boyfriend to behave appropriately with other women.

Enough already. Get rid of him.

Covert narcissist. You say he's usually quite shy, awkward and "fairly quiet" well trust me, that's the timid, nice personality he sold to you. Notice how quickly his personality switched to defensive and indifferent when challenged on his embarrassing behavior? There's a clue for you. Another is his murky past. He told you about his making a pass elsewhere whilst in a relationship. That's because he was trying to gauge what you're willing to put up with and plan ahead.

Please understand, this is what you're now putting up with.

Narcissistic people are crippled by insecurities and usually crave any kind of opposite sex attention. They get an almost orgasmic headrush from creating anxiety, suspicion and jealousy in their partners, especially when a third party gets involved in the fun. You'll never see them more animated than when engaged in semi flirtatious, slightly inappropriate social situations, their confused partner in tow. Disloyalty is hewn into their bones. Hence, him actually taking the piss out of you to your face. I wasn't there, but I'll bet your visible discomfort brought him right out of his shell. That'd NEVER happen with an emotionally balanced individual.

If I were you I'd call it off. Before this parasite drains your self confidence and screws up your future happiness. Easier said than done of course, but you'll be thankful you did.

Best

Covert narcissist. You say he's usually quite shy, awkward and "fairly quiet" well trust me, that's the timid, nice personality he sold to you. Notice how quickly his personality switched to defensive and indifferent when challenged on his embarrassing behavior? There's a clue for you. Another is his murky past. He told you about his making a pass elsewhere whilst in a relationship. That's because he was trying to gauge what you're willing to put up with and plan ahead.

Please understand, this is what you're now putting up with.

Narcissistic people are crippled by insecurities and usually crave any kind of opposite sex attention. They get an almost orgasmic headrush from creating anxiety, suspicion and jealousy in their partners, especially when a third party gets involved in the fun. You'll never see them more animated than when engaged in semi flirtatious, slightly inappropriate social situations, their confused partner in tow. Disloyalty is hewn into their bones. Hence, him actually taking the piss out of you to your face. I wasn't there, but I'll bet your visible discomfort brought him right out of his shell. That'd NEVER happen with an emotionally balanced individual.

If I were you I'd call it off. Before this parasite drains your self confidence and screws up your future happiness. Easier said than done of course, but you'll be thankful you did.

Best

He is such a good partner in lots of ways, he is very self aware, respectful and a good listener. It's just this one thing, which is why I guess I'm questioning myself so much. Maybe it's hard to believe it's him and not me. I need to get my head around ending this relationship.

Op
He is a grade A dickhead who is making you look like a fool.
i am sure if you behaved the way he does he would be absolutely furious
Seriously get rid

Why are you sitting there in silence like you're the third wheel? I'd be calling her out whilst all this was going on. Whispering in his ear? Wtf. When we were home I'd be asking him why he thought it was appropriate to disrespect you and entertain it (wouldn't give her the satisfaction of calling him out infront of her) and I'd be considering cutting off the relationship tbh. He's totally taking the piss out of you.

he is very self aware

Not even remotely. He would not carry on with other women if he were.

respectful and a good listener

Nope. Try again. He would never behave this way if he respected you, and he's not listening at all. In fact, he's turning this on you, saying it's your issue, not the fact he's behaving like a fucking sad idiot.

Op, raise the bar.

Your boyfriend's behaviour is wrong and you should dumb him.

He’s not a good partner OP. He might do some normal things that should be standard in a decent relationship but that doesn’t earn him bonus points to act like a twat just because he is capable of non twattish behaviour some of the time and then blame his twattery on you.

He's making you uncomfortable and he is clearly aware of it. You shouldn't have to put up with it.

You've already spoken to him about it and he's said he isn't doing anything wrong but he knows that it doesn't sit well with you and is prepared to continue to make you feel uncomfortable. Hmm, I'd be wondering what he's capable of behind my back when I wasn't there. How long have you been together?

I disagree. People can change.
My DH was like this. We went to Relate and counselling worked.
We got to the bottom of why he was flirting and it was to do with his own insecurities.

I'm so glad I gave him another chance and he had counselling because we've been happily married for 32 years.

I love how he has successfully made you think he's shy. He's not shy he's a big flirt.

And being mates with people he has had sex with or dated is a massive red flag.

You don't deserve a life of not feeling good enough he will 100% have form to cheat. He's already bored of you.

OP imagine he was on a stag this weekend. What do you think he's doing with all the women around him?

Your fella sounds like an untrustworthy wanker. Throw this one back.

For me, this wins the internet today.

I've seen OP's answer about being 'frosty' towards her and that being as far as you go.

Respectfully, she will glory in upsetting you if you are 'frosty' towards her. If you can't bring yourself to use the brilliant message quoted here, at least don't let her see ridiculous behaviour is getting to you.

Oh I’m sure it is. But either way … ick.

I'd like this to happen but he shuts me down if I try and talk about it

I don't actually think she's doing it for that reason, I suspect she is as insecure as him and is pleased she has found someone who gives her attention. I was frosty towards her because that was how I was feeling. I'm not really one to play games

He made passes at a couple of them, one when he was in a relationship.
This is who he is. Someone who will actively try to cheat. He's even doing it in front of you.

If he's like that in front of me I wonder what he's like when I'm not there and what would happen if one of these women pursued him.
You don't need to wonder, you already know.

refuses to talk about it saying that I'm being controlling.
He's saying that to shut you down and make you unsure of yourself. It leaves you with only 2 options: Put up with it, which he is banking on you doing. Or leave him, which is what you should do.

Hmm I imagine that he'd be thrilled if someone flirted with him and get all giddy

It's like he's rewriting things and making me the one in the wrong, he can't accept that his behaviour might be off. We've been together 4 years

oh good grief OP, he's really done a number on you if you are questioning this.

If a relationship is causing you pain or unhappiness then it isn't a good one. If the one causing you pain disagrees and says it's you and not them, then they will never change. So you either accept this pain for the next few years with it gradually getting worse, or you grasp your self esteem with both hands and say no thanks, I'm worth more.

Nothing is worth this humiliation and belittling of your emotions. Nothing.

I don't get this tbh - this is lying to someone, and I can't understand the thinking behind it? How does this pretty unpleasant advice "win the internet"?