Toxic ageing parents & sibling favouritism

[wonderingwonderingwondering]

Hi all.

Please bear with me. I'm struggling a lot at the moment and feel I'd benefit massively from an outsider view of things. This is also quite a complex situation. Sorry it's so long.

38f, middle child of three daughters. I grew up in a "well to do" home with a mother obsessed with academic achievement and outward success; a father who was emotionally absent and the less dominant parent. Older sibling fell down a well of deep mental illness in my teens and that caused major trauma to the family, to this day she has never recovered and has spent 20+ years in/out psychiatric facilities, she's now in part-time residential care. Mother minds her for half of the week.

I left home at 18. Parents took the view I was the "quiet", "capable", "independent" one and I basically was more or less forgotten about then; I can count on one hand the amount of times I was visited by parents in these 20 years. I got my degree, worked hard in different jobs in a very competitive industry, moved abroad several times, changed industry, worked up a corporate ladder. It all looked "great", but in recent years therapy has taught me that this was a time of extreme loneliness, depression, anxiety, undiagnosed ADHD, eating disorders, toxic romantic relationships...there was a lot of pain. I'd see my family once or twice a year.

My younger sister became my mother's focus in my absence. She lived at home til mid 20s, was funded through 2 college degrees, including one expensive medical degree that parents remortgaged the house to fund. My mother has lived vicariously through her for decades now. Every time I go to visit, or receive a phone call from my mother, it's a one-way monologue about sibling's escapades, her latest partner, the latest house she's bought, etc. She knows minute detail about her life day-to-day. Sibling bought a home recently. I visited that home at the weekend and she talked about how our father was doing a garden makeover and all of the light fixtures, mother came every week to clean the house, cook her meals, do her laundry. My parents have visited my new home in a different city just once. Never helped in any way like that.

I got married recently. When I got engaged I knew, thanks to therapy, that any expectations of my mother would just hurt me. I asked nothing of her, shared little info, went dress shopping alone, planned without her involvement and let her come along and have her "Mother of the Bride" moments on the day. She offered no compliments, no words of support, she criticised my speech and I heard from guests afterwards that she complained that we weren't having a religious ceremony. Neither of us are religious, but she is devout.

The final straw came for me at the weekend. After my wedding, I had a surgery for endometriosis and the recovery has been more difficult than anticipated. I've developed further health issues that have wiped me out recently. I also recently quit my corporate leadership job, as it wasn't helping the health issues and alongside wedding planning, dealing with ongoing infertility, myself and DH decided I needed a break and financially we'd be fine for a while. I yielded to pressure to visit my parents this weekend, thought they might want to see our official wedding photos, ask about surgery...but the experience became entirely about my younger sibling and her new boyfriend, who joined us for dinner and breakfast the next morning. They talked new house, mortgage rates, gossiped about sibling's friends and patients...No questions about us, the wedding aftermath, my surgery, my post job life, etc. I sat at their kitchen dinner table and felt like a ghost, like the three hour drive by my husband was a total waste of time, like we may as well not be there. I felt like a neglected child all over again.

I'm 38 years old and I can no longer tolerate being treated like this. I actually feel like the chronic stress of their neglect and favouritism has contributed to my health issues. My husband can't tell me enough that my mother is "not a mother to me", is "more interested in how things look than how you are". The recent hardship in my life have made their lack of interest in me and over-investment in younger sibling more intolerable than ever.

I just don't know how to proceed with these people, that are supposed to be family but who treat me worst than a stranger. It's also important to note that they are ageing, in their 70s and cognitive decline has set in. There will also be much to consider with care for my complex needs sibling in the next few years.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have parents or a family dynamic like this? Can anyone provide insight, or examples of how you dealt with your own family dysfunction? Is No Contact the only way to have a happy, healthy life now?

TLDR: I am the middle neglected child in a toxic family system that includes sibling favouritism, a sibling with special needs and parents that are ageing rapidly. I don't know how to proceed in this dynamic while protecting my peace.

Sorry to jump on this. My own MIL has just no care for people emotionally and only sees people in terms of how they can make her feel. I suspected some ASD as I believe my partner, her son is. I’ve not thought about it before that there could be ND and some personality disorder.

@Happyfarm

I see it in my MIL v strongly. DH is suspected ND and DS1 is diagnosed AuDHD. We are breaking the cycle by supporting and helping DS1 (and medicating him at school).

MIL is self-centred, projects strongly, has no boundaries, sees everyone as an extension of herself, pulls rank, can't join in, is rude and basically has your classic Cluster B/authoritarian personality. She also says her mind goes completely blank in exams and she seems to have some cognitive and sensory difficulties. I would imagine she was an ND girl in quite a rowdy household who carved out a role 'being' her mother's helper, and this has caused her lifelong issues.

My MIL lost her mum very early on. She hated her father and his wife when he remarried. He has said that she went from this terribly shy little girl who sat in the corner to suddenly being the head of local committees and the head of everything she could. I think she has learned that if she is in control then she is ok. When she isn’t in control she has absolutely no interest. But she also lacks any empathy, but she seems to be able to fake it if the end result benefits her. I maybe completely wrong but I really suspect my partner is ND. She has wrecked havoc with her two sons tho. One hoards and the other can’t stop working. He works 7 days a week. Has to be the best, has to have the most. He is desperate to please his mum. They both have zero emotional intelligence. They have both see emotions as completely un-important. The mum says emotions are how people manipulate others, they are wrong and they are weak. I think she has been left with her trauma and her ND as a young girl and has come to completely the wrong conclusion. Sad but she isn’t nice.

This is an interesting thread. So much about personality disorders , it’s a minefield. My mother is very odd. She is essentially a cold person who seems to act in a prescribed way. Gushy, fake empathetic but essentially completely self serving. She likes to be the centre of attention all the time and never does anything unless she herself benefits from it. She has no sense of humour and doesn’t get irony. If I needed care or compassion her response was to push me away or just not notice. Or be unkind. I don’t even think she knew she was being unkind. She’s now 87 and can be downright spiteful and cruel. I have seen a side of her that I would honestly describe as evil. I find it very hard to understand what’s going on . She isn’t like this with my siblings, only me. Although recently she has alienated my brother for the first time ever by saying some things that upset him. She had a traumatic childhood and early adulthood, and unavailable parents herself . It’s hard to know what’s going on with her or how to manage her. It’s got to the point where I physically can’t bear to be around her. I have a visceral reaction to her presence. I see very little of her and feel very guilty about that, but we have no genuine relationship. I help her with things sometimes but that’s it. I tell her nothing about my life if I can help it. It makes me feel very sad.

My sister is a narcissist. So I have very little to do with her either.

That's interesting. I myself was diagnosed with ADHD last year, I pursued that diagnosis as focus problems were really hindering me in what was a very stressful leadership job. I couldn't rely on myself to get my work done. I take medication now and went through my own sort of grieving process, realising how much I'd struggled my whole life, but would never ever have had parents that would pursue a diagnosis as a kid as I was "easy, quiet, brilliant at school". My therapist believes I have CPTSD from how I grew up and he's of the belief the ADHD is actually just CPTSD symptoms coming to the surface. I take the meds because they help me, simple as.

In that process I realised that my mother is highly suspected undiagnosed ADHD too, she has worse symptoms than me. Forgetfulness, she remembers v little of not just her own childhood but mine / ours too, chronically busy but unable to prioritise, one-way monologuing at people. My younger sister too, she can't sit still, be alone, chronic talker and interrupter, lives in chaos, very messy etc.

I thought for a long time that either / both have some sort of Cluster B personality disorder (sister's past behaviour very likened to BPD, including intense raging and discarding me habitually over the years), but stopped that line of thought when I realised it would never be helpful to me. They just are what they are at this point. My older sister was diagnosed schizophrenia initially, I think even doctors are baffled at her failure to ever respond to treatment or improve in any way since a teenager. My paternal grandmother was institutionised and "suffered with her nerves" so it's possible there's something hereditary there.

@wonderingwonderingwondering

Yes, that sounds like a strong family history of neurodivergence!

Lots of links are being made between autism and personality disorders in current research; it's thought that personality disorders are just misdiagnosed female autism (because female presentation is different). I've also seen research on a strong link between ADHD and Parkinson's.

There's a fashionable vein of research suggesting that ADHD is CPTSD but it doesn't explain children like DS1, who has ADHD symptoms present from birth.

@wonderingwonderingwondering

My own MIL I strongly suspect of being autistic (classic Cluster B set of behaviours) and her own mum (DH's grandma) spent time in an institution on largactil because of 'nerves'. We know so much more nowadays!

We have ND and PDs in our family. The PDs are in males mainly and are more NPD definitely not BPD. Lots of ASD in children in this generation too but because they are diagnosed and the parenting adapted to suit their needs, the outcomes are better. I think the harsher more authoritarian parenting in the past combined with ND gave rise to the maladaptive NPD coping mechanisms in my family members. You could definitely be seeing the more female adaptions in your family @wonderingwonderingwondering such as BPD.

It does sound terribly familiar OP. I am the 4th of 5. My parents never visited me, never saw my halls room, didn't attend my graduation. I went to uni alone, had emergency surgery alone, they never once visited my house. I was an invisible irrelevance. My brother was their 'great hope for the future' and little sis was the baby. They were openly disgusted when I got my masters - dbruv only has a BA.

After that I stopped bothering, stopped taking any notice of their views, I didn't go NC as such , I just accepted that they were completely indifferent, and set my expectations at that level. I have not been disappointed.

Once you stop expecting any sort of decent relationship, it is very freeing. Build your family elsewhere with people who actually care for you. xx

You've explained that you are more thinking than them and that they are closed minded. Your mother hasn't had the intellect or insight to question why you are labelled as you are.

It is her error and short sightedness and not a reflection on you.

Just leave them to it. I'd recognise the birthday, send flowers, but put a boundary around yourself by not letting the dinners and breakfasts happen again - or at least, not for a long time.

Sorry to jump in. But what is the difference between a PD and ND. I wonder how do they draw the lines? Sometimes the presentations seem so similar.

Hi @Meadowfinch , sorry that was your experience of growing up. It sounds so hurtful and lonely.

Your post helped me a lot, as I think I'm coming to the realisation that I don't have to play this game anymore. I can let go of this feeling of being less important, being a second class citizen to my own mother and then being trapped from saying anything about it because her feelings are of course more important than mine. Or doubting myself constantly because i'm being told something that doesn't line up with how it always feels to be around her. I can just let it go, be the adult that I am with the life that I've already built without any input from my family, and stop trying to "solve" it or fix it. Maybe it's good that my way of surviving this family was my hyper-independence. I'm not losing anything really, as it is we probably see them a handful of times a year.

I've felt a lot lighter since I texted my mother telling her I didn't want to meet a few days ago. It sounds mad but I don't think I've ever actually said no to her before. She of course hasn't replied, and it's her birthday next week which is usually when we'd travel up to join her birthday dinner. That won't be happening this year. I'll send a card and maybe something small.

I think the pain has kept coming up because I've always been waiting for her to change, waiting for her to realise, to care, to show up as a mother. She won't; even if she seems capable of that with other people AKA my sister. She just wont with me, for whatever reason. The reason doesn't even matter anymore. The healing is in the acceptance of that, and focusing on my own life now.

Wise post.
Letting go of your ego of expectations of others, is really freeing.
Telling yourself that you have actually no business expecting anything from them, even if they are your parents is amazing.
Because conversely you can then tell yourself that THEY can also have no expectation of YOU.
So so freeing.
You pour your love, energy and appreciation into your children, husband and friends.

The overwhelming majority of women come to this place eventually with parents like that.
The earlier the better for sure.
Great to read that you are getting there.
Total dropping of the rope is possible.
I know of people that said nothing.
They were simply too busy to take or make calls, didn't visit, sent a generic Christmas card and no more.
Just complete silence and unavailability.
They simply refused to ever be drawn in again or engage in any way.
They cut off completely any flying monkeys too.
Explanations take effort and change nothing.
Dropping the rope and silence.
Works every time.

Really great advice. It hurts though when you just don’t have the family you’d like to have and see others have.

That last paragraph really resonates with me. I could have written it myself. I have as little to do with them as I can these days. When my mother dies I am considering just cutting my sister out of my life altogether.

Just wanted to say that your younger sister probably views you as the golden child, your mum probably spends all her time with her boasting about you. I think your parents are a lost cause really but it's worth trying to get a healthy (non-competitive) relationship with your sisters before your parents pass away. If you and your sisters develop a good relationship, when your parents have gone the drama/stress should stop and not escalate.

I know it hurts but as one of your sisters is all up in it that's good news. She can care for them as they become frail.

My DM was a wicked, selfish and spoilt woman who went out of her way to be cruel. I finally went NC with her. She made my flesh crawl all my life.

I'm definitely over-sharing at this point, but I feel like the people who have related to my family experience on this thread might be able to offer support or insight. Aside from journalling, doing some yoga and having a cry and hug with my DH, I've not really got many places to go with this.

My Dad called today. He usually calls weekly, we talk about nothing of any merit for literally 2 minutes. I didn't pick up last week, after the triggering family visit the weekend before that. I picked up today.

He asked me what was wrong. I told him I'd been feeling poorly lately, dealing with post op issues, and going to the family home upsets me atm. He probed. I told him I've never felt prioritised, not as a kid, not as an adult, and it's too difficult to come to my family home when I'm going through a hard time and do not get any support, interest or care from my mother in particular. I mentioned favouritism, I mentioned judgement of my life decisions, and how painful that is when what I've actually always needed is acceptance and support. I mentioned how hard it is to see my younger sister dominate everything, and my own mother to be more interested in her new house than the things that are going on in my life. I was also clear to tell him that him and my mother are two separate people, two separate parents and I don't feel as though he "prefers" any of his daughters in the same way.

He was mostly confused, but I could feel him trying to support. He said my mother loves us all the same, that my younger sister is just the one that is around more, and she is "chatty". He said he's sorry I feel that way, he would never want to hurt me. Neither would my mother. And maybe she should visit me more, maybe she should spend some time 1:1 with me. In an attempt to understand me, he even brought up an incident in my teens when my older sister had a breakdown and physically attacked me in his car. "Your mother wasn't there that night, maybe she doesn't understand." I told him I don't blame anyone for what happened with my older sister, it's noone's fault, it damaged all of us but it's 25 years later now, it's not about that incident. It's not even about that sister: it's how I've been left to struggle alone with things for my entire adulthood and even to this day, my mother makes no effort to have any kind of relationship with me.

I cried a lot after the phone call. I immediately regretted sharing and felt embarrassed about it. This is not the kind of intimacy I ever have with my father. He didn't get a word of it; but he tried to support me. He said he'd like to call again, and talk about things. He said "it might not be about me, but it affects me".

I know I'll be told I did the wrong thing here (and that's my gut too, I can't afford to lose entire days to the emotional trauma of these attempts to share). But I really love my Dad. I know he's not been the Dad I needed, but his trying and his caring is at least something. I know he loves me, even if he has failed me so hugely. I empathise more with him because he comes from deep trauma himself, but he's never chosen to actively harm me. He never chose to favor or mistreat any of his children. I guess his failings were evenly distributed to us all; and he calls. He makes the effort with my DH; more than can be said for my mother. I know he can't face the reality of his wife, who has scapegoated him, too, over the decades.

I feel like I need to put a lid on these attempts to share now, before there's another phone call and my mother / sister start to get involved. I don't think I would emotionally survive a family mobbing now, I've been feeling an incredible depression about all of this recently. Could anyone help with what to do now? Start Greyrocking? Go back to talking about the weather with my father once every other week?

As I’ve got older I’ve come to look at singular relationships than a whole. It’s ok to be closer to some people more than others. You can choose to stay in touch with your dad but distance the golden child and your mother.
Your dad rings you every week. He does that because he loves you and wants to be a part of your life.
It sounds as if distancing yourself from your mum and sister is something that you need to do . That’s ok . You need to be kind to yourself.
But maybe the conversation with your dad was long overdue and you both need talk honestly to each other. It talks two to talk deeply about the things that matter. For a longtime you have struggled /struggle so this isn’t easy. It does sound as if your father and husband get along as well ?

Dont just dismiss a relationship with a some one you love because of the actions of others.

I don’t talk to my dad much. But we do talk because I recognised not being able to talk would hurt me too much and my feelings matter

I think the conversation and sharing with your dad was helpful. You were totally honest and it does sound like he listened or gave you space to vent. I know the emotional fall out is exhausting but does it feel good to have spoken honestly?

My only fear is he feeds this back to your mum and she is defensive and retaliates.

I know it is painful and you feel on the edge but it is important to sit with those feelings, let yourself truly feel the pain and process it. It is all part of healing and grieving the relationship with your mum that you've never had and will never get. Sorry that sounds harsh I don't mean it to.

Write down the emotions you are feeling and where you feel them and really sit with them. Don't thought block or distract yourself.

Best of luck you are doing great, things are changing xx

I went to see my parents today and I explained to my mum why I had blocked my siblings. She said she's not getting in the middle of our squabbling. Told her there's no need to and I've done what I did to protect myself. Also ironed out the lies they had told about DH too which was good. Both parents reiterated they have no problem with dh at all which I relayed to him and he was glad. Out of my siblings and I im the most settled and they absolutely hate that I'm seen to be doing better as I'm meant to be at the bottom of the pile and miserable and alone. Yet here I am happily married to my soulmate and we have our children and dogs

I think the call with your Father was very brave and I’m totally in awe of you and proud of you! It honestly sounds like your Dad loves you and wants to be there for you - if that’s what you want, let him. Despite the calls being short and awkward previously - he still keeps calling you every week. That sounds like an act of love to me.

Next week could you ask him to be supportive and to listen……. but to not feed everything back to your Mum? Not in a sneaky way, or ask him to keep secrets, but that you could do with someone to talk to about your concerns without feeling like the whole family will find out about it. To have your confidence.

I don’t know if your situation is the same as mine, but my Mother is a terrible narcissist, treated me and my other sibling completely different to the “golden child” eldest sibling. I just feel sorry for my dad, he was weak and passive and as much a victim of my mother as we were. I think when I was a child (80s) the Mother took much more of a lead in the parenting decisions and the Dad just went along with it in the sidelines. My husband certainly has much more of an involvement in parenting and decisions about our children. I feel like my Dad just blindly went along with whatever my Mother said, she was “the boss” when it came to the kids. I don’t know if he was just oblivious to what was happening (he worked long hours, she was a SAHM) or whether he turned a blind eye and didn’t feel he could challenge her.

I dream of being able to have many conversations with my Dad……. but don’t feel able to as he is still married to the narc.

Thanks so much for your kind and validating words @hollietree. That really means a lot. I'm sure you can relate to how hard it can be to see your own strengths when you've grown up like this.

I'm going to try to take a "wait and see" approach with my Dad. I might even try to call him myself next week, I think even that kind of effort would mean a lot to him. The difficulty is how enmeshed he is with my mother. They share everything to so with their kids, and I don't think he really understands that I can feel differently about my mother than I feel about him. I also think they will take the approach of him talking to me as their "strategy" for staying connected to me. It's challenging to even think about asking him to not report back to my mother, as 1. He just won't get it and 2. It will make his own life harder. My mother bulldozes boundaries as a hobby and will treat him like sh1t for it.

The way you described your own father resonates a lot. My Dad really did leave my mother to it with us, he took the role of financial provider, was emotionally absent and occasional endorser of whatever my mother decided needed to happen with us as children. She scapegoated the hell out of him as kids, her choice insult for me when I wasn't meeting her expectations was I'm "just like my father." I look more like him than her too, and have been likened more to his side of the family than hers for most of my life.

For the most part he had been passive, uninvolved emotionally and enabling. He never had a nurturing mother in his own life, my grandmother was deeply mentally ill and reading between the lines, neglectful and violent at times.

The biggest challenge I'll have is maintaining a separate relationship with him, and it might require a higher degree of grayrocking than what happened earlier this week. I guess we'll see. I know he cares about me, doesnt judge me in the way my mother does, and it would break his heart entirely to lose me. I've never felt that way about my mother.

It’s really tough isn’t it. We’re between a rock and a hard place. I’d love to have a closer relationship with my Dad, but it’s just not possible while he is married/enmeshed to my mum. He is a good man married to a devil.

I imagine your Dad didn’t know any different if he grew up without maternal love himself, so couldn’t see what you children were also missing out on.

Its awful to write out, I’ve never said it out loud to a soul ………… but I often hope that my Mum dies first before my Dad. I could have a positive relationship with him then.

I totally understand. I feel the same. I feel my family could be a safer place for me without my mother. It would also displace a lot of the favoritism issues I'm dealing with, as my father doesn't ignore me, criticise and belittle me in the same way. I also have this painful resignation to the fact that my father will only escape my mother through death.

What's also hard is the fact that they had a toxic marriage when I was a child and I was very aware that they were "only together for the kids" from very young. I don't remember much but do have vivid memories of fighting, shouting and my mom scapegoating him constantly. Suddenly its 30 years later and she can't talk highly enough of him and they're this "team" that I never saw as a kid.