Toxic ageing parents & sibling favouritism

[wonderingwonderingwondering]

Hi all.

Please bear with me. I'm struggling a lot at the moment and feel I'd benefit massively from an outsider view of things. This is also quite a complex situation. Sorry it's so long.

38f, middle child of three daughters. I grew up in a "well to do" home with a mother obsessed with academic achievement and outward success; a father who was emotionally absent and the less dominant parent. Older sibling fell down a well of deep mental illness in my teens and that caused major trauma to the family, to this day she has never recovered and has spent 20+ years in/out psychiatric facilities, she's now in part-time residential care. Mother minds her for half of the week.

I left home at 18. Parents took the view I was the "quiet", "capable", "independent" one and I basically was more or less forgotten about then; I can count on one hand the amount of times I was visited by parents in these 20 years. I got my degree, worked hard in different jobs in a very competitive industry, moved abroad several times, changed industry, worked up a corporate ladder. It all looked "great", but in recent years therapy has taught me that this was a time of extreme loneliness, depression, anxiety, undiagnosed ADHD, eating disorders, toxic romantic relationships...there was a lot of pain. I'd see my family once or twice a year.

My younger sister became my mother's focus in my absence. She lived at home til mid 20s, was funded through 2 college degrees, including one expensive medical degree that parents remortgaged the house to fund. My mother has lived vicariously through her for decades now. Every time I go to visit, or receive a phone call from my mother, it's a one-way monologue about sibling's escapades, her latest partner, the latest house she's bought, etc. She knows minute detail about her life day-to-day. Sibling bought a home recently. I visited that home at the weekend and she talked about how our father was doing a garden makeover and all of the light fixtures, mother came every week to clean the house, cook her meals, do her laundry. My parents have visited my new home in a different city just once. Never helped in any way like that.

I got married recently. When I got engaged I knew, thanks to therapy, that any expectations of my mother would just hurt me. I asked nothing of her, shared little info, went dress shopping alone, planned without her involvement and let her come along and have her "Mother of the Bride" moments on the day. She offered no compliments, no words of support, she criticised my speech and I heard from guests afterwards that she complained that we weren't having a religious ceremony. Neither of us are religious, but she is devout.

The final straw came for me at the weekend. After my wedding, I had a surgery for endometriosis and the recovery has been more difficult than anticipated. I've developed further health issues that have wiped me out recently. I also recently quit my corporate leadership job, as it wasn't helping the health issues and alongside wedding planning, dealing with ongoing infertility, myself and DH decided I needed a break and financially we'd be fine for a while. I yielded to pressure to visit my parents this weekend, thought they might want to see our official wedding photos, ask about surgery...but the experience became entirely about my younger sibling and her new boyfriend, who joined us for dinner and breakfast the next morning. They talked new house, mortgage rates, gossiped about sibling's friends and patients...No questions about us, the wedding aftermath, my surgery, my post job life, etc. I sat at their kitchen dinner table and felt like a ghost, like the three hour drive by my husband was a total waste of time, like we may as well not be there. I felt like a neglected child all over again.

I'm 38 years old and I can no longer tolerate being treated like this. I actually feel like the chronic stress of their neglect and favouritism has contributed to my health issues. My husband can't tell me enough that my mother is "not a mother to me", is "more interested in how things look than how you are". The recent hardship in my life have made their lack of interest in me and over-investment in younger sibling more intolerable than ever.

I just don't know how to proceed with these people, that are supposed to be family but who treat me worst than a stranger. It's also important to note that they are ageing, in their 70s and cognitive decline has set in. There will also be much to consider with care for my complex needs sibling in the next few years.

Can anyone relate? Does anyone have parents or a family dynamic like this? Can anyone provide insight, or examples of how you dealt with your own family dysfunction? Is No Contact the only way to have a happy, healthy life now?

TLDR: I am the middle neglected child in a toxic family system that includes sibling favouritism, a sibling with special needs and parents that are ageing rapidly. I don't know how to proceed in this dynamic while protecting my peace.

Thanks for this thread. It made me feel a bit less alone last night after having been spending a short amount of time involved with my Dad's family after years of NC.

I managed to get away from my mum's side after lots of abuse throughout childhood etc. (She left my Dad in my early childhood and he made minimal effort). Finally went NC with her in late thirties and it was the best thing that ever happened to me personally. Can't say for anyone else but my mental health improved such that I am a different person in many ways I.e. became mentally well and thriving. It felt a bit like being in a cult and was impossible to see this during that time and whilst still being in contact. I have been very slowly watching what it's like on my Dad's side after he materialised back in my life 5 years ago, and with three siblings but unfortunately come to.the conclusion now that is pretty much equally dysfunctional.

What you wrote about, OP, not appearing to exist was particularly relatable from all of them. I'm the child that got in the way in both families.

So anyway thanks for saving me from a particularly low point. As other posters say, those around you and who care for you are the most important. I now have the process of grieving for a 2nd family but having done it already and not having spent my childhood with them, it's less hard but still sad. I'm not sure they'll notice.

I don't want to have regrets, but jeez, every family get-together takes days to get over, doesn't it?

This quote from a previous poster, rang a massive bell, four days on from a visit.
I think it's partly hard to process because DH avoids any emotional chat. I probably picked him to avoid an emotional life but occasionally it's handy to unpick stuff quickly then move on instead I get stuck raking over stuff without witnesses.

Your best friend, OP sounds like a useful witness.

Please organise some therapy OP. There is a lot to work through here. You are feeling abandoned while your parents maybe feel you abandoned them.

You are harbouring resentment to your DS who seems to be supportive and is just living her life.

You also seem to be making a list of resentments - does your parents opinion over what kind of wedding ceremony you have really matter? Or their friends for that matter?

I think finding some balance and then deciding how to act on it would be a more healthy approach than reacting and going grey rock.

Have you tried to talk about how you feel with your parents? They are likely oblivious as you say earlier they consider you to be capable and resilient.

On thing to watch out for is those quick to encourage further isolation. Is it supportive or controlling? What do they gain from it? Why would healing not be the first course of action?

That aside only you know the true depth of your pain from this dynamic and my advice would be to seek counselling as a first step

Hi all. Thanks for the continued insight and support.

I'm in therapy. Started about 5 years ago and have been pretty consistent with it. I would say a few things have really opened my eyes to things that I didn't see before / assumed were "normal" in my family and they are the following:

• Therapy. Therapy was the first time I felt safe to explore my own feelings and needs. I was delighted with the changes I was able to make in my own life after therapy, including finding a healthy relationship in my husband, but the one thing that got worse was my family life. Back then I attempted healthy discourse about some things including the trauma of my sister's illness, and my pain at feeling like I didn't belong in my family. I was met with a lot of gaslighting and "get over it"

• Meeting my husband. My husband notices things that upset me. He finds joy in me finding joy. He sits and talks things out. He seeks repair with me when we're having an issue. I also found the contrast between his behaviour vs my family's; but also his family experience vs mine very revealing. I found it amazing to walk into his home and meet a present, loving, interested mother who wants to hear how I am.

• My wedding. I had no natural inclination to include my mother in the planning, pre wedding events at all and felt very guilty about it. She didn't communicate with me much for the year I was engaged except through my younger sister. Including calling my sister the day we went dress shopping to tell her to have a good day. She ignored me at my Hen. She paid little attention to me on my wedding day, she criticised instead of supported at some key moments. That hurt me a lot, and brought up a lot of difficult emotions.

I understand what the above poster says about my resentments, my parents feeling abandoned, my sister just living her life. But it also triggers the hell out of me if I'm honest, because it reminds me that my feelings matter less than all of that. I'm just trying to live my life too. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I'm hurt and confused and feel guilty as hell. I wish there was a way for me to have a conversation about all of this with them where my feelings can be acknowledged as well as theirs and we can both commit to certain actions and things can move forwards. But that's never how things happen in my family and one conversation turns into the whole family turning on me and me bring retraumatised for weeks and it impacts my ability to function in a huge way.

I understand what the above poster says about my resentments, my parents feeling abandoned, my sister just living her life. But it also triggers the hell out of me if I'm honest, because it reminds me that my feelings matter less than all of that. I'm just trying to live my life too. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I was in no way insinuating that your feelings matter less. It is interesting that you turned that around?

Your lived experience is key as I have said in my last paragraph. It is not possible for anyone to ADD to your guilt or shame - these are your own emotions and something only you can get perspective over.

Have you found the counselling to be helpful?

I can relate to some of the dynamics in your family. I was the eldest and when I was younger, I was the golden child. I had serious ‘good girl’ syndrome. Everything I did was to please my parents, particularly my father. In my family, it’s my mother that is very distant and my father that is very pushy. He desperately wanted high-achieving children (academic, become a doctor, etc.). I struggled with that massively and spent many years pursuing things that I didn’t actually want in order to make him happy.

At 39, I’ve moved beyond that and I’m just now starting to set up the life I actually want. I can see my father (and mother) for what they are now: very emotionally immature people. I haven’t actively cut them off, but I live in a different country now and don’t have very much contact with them. When I do talk to them, it is friendly but superficial. I don’t bring anything to them emotionally because I know they can’t handle it. It’s tricky because I do care about them and I don’t think they were ever malicious but they have hurt me in various ways. My solution to it is just to maintain superficial contact but have ‘real’ relationships elsewhere. Like you, my husband is very supportive of me so I lean on him a lot. I also try to parent myself in a way - just trying to be kind and respectful of myself.

You are going through a difficult time right now and your family are not the right people to be around as they are not sensitive to your needs. I don’t think you should feel guilty about setting serious boundaries and lowering contact with them. You need to take care of yourself. I personally don’t think it’s worth asking them for support or letting them know your true feelings because they’ve shown many times that they can’t see/respect your needs. Even though they are family, you are not emotionally close to them. They can’t reciprocate.

From my point of view, you are tortured because you keep thinking that they will change and become the family that you want and always needed. You have to look to other people for that like your husband and friend who respect what you think and feel. Your parents and sister have no reason to change at the moment. I think you just have to accept that you’ll probably never get that from your family. Maybe you can get something else from them though - like familiarity or a superficial level of support. You might want to maintain contact for those reasons, but the terms of the connection are up to you. If they complain that you are too distant, you don’t have to give them the real reason. Maybe you are just busy or tired. They have no right to your inner life because they are not safe people to share with.

I think you have to protect yourself by setting boundaries. You don’t have to negotiate these boundaries with them. To do that, you have to appreciate that they will likely never be what you’re looking for. It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Just step away from them as much as you need to maintain your sanity.

@Acornsoup yeah therapy has been extremely helpful. I started it when I lived abroad, and it helped me to change my dysfunctional dating patterns, quit a very emotionally destructive high stress job, and ultimately move countries. Since moving location, I'm now with a guy who is trauma-informed and focuses on somatic experiencing, EMDR, IFS which are specifically helpful for childhood trauma. It's been amazing but also brutal for me. I realised how I'd never actually felt empowered or making decisions from a place of CHOICE in my life, and had been repeating the dysfunction of my childhood specifically in oppressive workplaces, and now I'm at a place of changing career and how I work so that I can feel more balanced and supported. I feel like the current emotional disruption is from a few things, including our infertility struggle, a recent wedding which forced a lot of family interaction, and general health issues that have left me vulnerable. And I guess feeling the pain more of not having emotional support from my family.

@VereeViolet - thanks for posting about your own experiences. I relate so much to your family dynamic, this is exactly how my family is too if you reverse the roles. My mother is the pushy one, I was the ultimate "Good girl" as a child and a bit of a 'gifted child' or so she says in terms of academic excellence, sporting achievements, musicality. The house is filled with trophies from that time period. Things changed rapidly when I became a less obedient teenager and didn't have the same interest in pleasing her. Like you, I made a lot of choices from a place of what I believed my parents needed along the way - ie me out of the house and self sufficient, and that oppressive, "performance above all else" model followed me into the workplace. It's encouraging to me to see that you're managing to get your life on track in alignment with what you actually want now, at a similar age to me. I'm 38 and just now realising that my career, albeit "good on paper", was never ever about me or what I wanted. I was about survival and not letting anyone down. And the double whammy of realising, my parents never gave a damn about it either, except for my mother being able to occasionally gloat about how independent and high functioning I was somewhere out there on my own (spent lots of time overseas). My younger sibling followed her into the same vocation, which is high status and high earning, and that's all she cares about really.

My husband says the same as you, the problem is that I keep expecting my parents to be something that they resolutely are not. He says it's a managing of expectations scenario. I've been a good distance from them for quite a while and also LC a few years now. It seems like it's just recently that I'm getting this surge of emotions around it all. I know, logically, they are emotionally just Not. Able. I knew that as a kid, for heaven's sake. I think I might just be experiencing the repressed emotions around that loss of true parent figures now, my therapist says we repress this stuff until we're ready and able and safe enough to handle them.

@wonderingwonderingwondering I def seems like you have done the work. I suspect if you do grey rock you will not regret it

@wonderingwonderingwondering I was 14 when my sister was born (I was also in foster care at the time because of my behaviour) and was 16 when my youngest sister was born and to watch them get the childhood I didn't get felt like I was being punched in the gut continuously. Since the day they were born though I have been in their life and I'm so glad they got to grow up with stability but it does make me feel sad for my younger self who felt so alone. I was about 25 when I came to the realisation that it wasn't me it was her (my mum) and I stopped trying and my mental health really improved. Fast forward to today I'm 44 and still incredibly close to all of my 7 siblings and the ones that had a great childhood know that I didn't have that and do acknowledge we had very different mums, I suppose I'm saying that if your sister dismisses your experience because she hasn't been treated like that then I would go low contact with her because nobody needs to be told "it wasn't/isn't that bad" but if she can clearly see the difference like my sisters can then it's entirely possible to have a decent relationship with them. I wish you all the best and please do remember that it's not you it's her

I wonder if you are experiencing this surge of emotions because you have just had surgery and are looking at fertility treatment. You are bound to be down and mulling things over.

Your husband sounds amazing.

I think the hope that they will change, that they will suddenly realise their behaviour is hurtful is what is keeping you stuck in this limbo.

I think you need to protect yourself as I think your mum and sis will be very hurtful if you go through fertility treatment.

Thanks Lexi. Yeah the op and the fertility issues and anticipation of next steps have done a total number on me. My hormones have been all over the place, I've had thyroid issues post-op, prolactin was high etc. My emotions just took a jump off a cliff with it all. I also had a wedding and job resignation shortly before all of that. It's been a really turbulent time.

My mother texted me today and said I've been on her mind and she's planning a trip to my city next week if I'm free for lunch. My Dad tried calling me through the week too, I let it ring out. I'm just spent now, torn between not wanting to turn my back completely on my elderly parents, and just not wanting to do more damage to myself either. I'm tired of feeling like a sad helpless 10 year old, I just want to get on with my adult life now.

@Ihopeithinkiknow I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I feel your pain so much. It's great that you've been able to forge strong relationships with your siblings regardless. I think all too often in families like this it's just not possible. Kids are pitted against each other. My younger sister never stops bleating on about how amazing her mother is, how she feels indebted to them because they've done so much for her. And they have really; they remortgaged their house so she could go to medical school, they're deeply involved in her day-to-day life now as an adult. She drives around in a luxury car, has bought a second house that they've helped her with and they must've met and embraced about 10 different boyfriends of hers in as many years. I have to say though, she was really supportive at my wedding and seems to be genuinely happy for me when good things happen to me. I think, looking back, I was a bit of a second mother to her as a kid, I remember helping her to get on the pill, getting emergency contraception for her, sending care kits to her in college, that kind of thing. I think my feelings started to change because it became too difficult to see my mother, and then me, giving with both hands to her, and never feeling like anyone cared about me in the same way. It's made it difficult for me to feel safe around her, she doesn't even notice the difference in treatment and makes statements straight from my mother's mouth like "you never ask for help".

Being in an unfair situation like this is debilitating & humiliating. Constantly having to fight your corner while watching someone else get all the goodies as of right, is horrible to experience. And then to be told it's because you never ask, as though you should have to, & as though you'd be given everything if you did - hah! In my family & my IL family, the refrain was, "I treat my children both the same," when it was manifestly untrue.

When you find someone who really loves you, everything is so easy between you, I found. At first I kept thinking, "But it's so EASY!". Living in a !"£$%ed-up family is exhausting.

Wishing you a restful day today, OP.💐

Oh thanks @@ifIwerenotanandroid. You hit the nail on the head. I sense you've been through the same hell, I'm so sorry about that. I can't even imagine the angst of TWO families like this, I wouldn't do well if my In-laws were as bad. How awful. Thankfully they are lovely, warm and kind people, who love their son and have really welcomed me, but just let us crack on with things and swoop in to help if asked. I feel bad though as I keep them at arm's length due to my own trust issues. I hope I can heal that in time.

You're so right about the exhaustion of being in a family like this. It's ripped so much from me, my sense of safety, my trust in myself and others, my ability to believe in my own experiences and not think "but is that true, really?" in every scenario I find myself in. Conflict is a real trigger, because I fawn like hell and then submit to the person as default; standing up for myself triggers that old abandonment. I isolate to avoid having to face conflict with others.

The "but you never asked for help" really irks me. When was I ever allowed to ask, why did I ever need to ask to be treated fairly or equally? Work performance reviews, needs to delegate more. Takes on too much, is a perfectionist. Needs to trust her team. Youngest sibling yells from the rooftops when a single thing happens in her life and my mother comes running. Their relationship is entangled, co-dependent, obsessive, just weird. I don't know how I can sit across from my mother next week and get her to see me, understand any of this and not create more unsafety by calling me jealous, calling it sibling rivalry and me blaming her parents for my recent misfortunes. Is there even any point? Can a relationship that doesn't actively harm me ever emerge from this?

Hi there. Sorry I forgot to reply for this, and thanks for responding on the thread and sharing your story. If I've learned one things from this thread, it's that people like us are very much not alone with our dysfunctional families. Sadly this seems to be common enough.

I'm so sorry for all of the pain you've already been through. I hope you're proud of yourself for cutting the chord with your mother's family though. That's incredibly brave, hard, a real sign of your strength and character. Sometimes I feel like I'm heading in that direction but am just not strong enough for it yet. It's so unfair that you have to go through all that again with your Dad, but you are stronger than you even realise. You deserve for life not to be hard, and for family to not break your heart. We all deserve that. I'm holding out hope that we both can heal and live happy, peaceful, empowered lives now x

Thanks, OP. I must just say that my MIL & SIL were the bad ones, enmeshed in a combative/exploitative relationship. My lovely FIL was the only normal one, & though he had some annoying idiosyncrasies (as we all do) I would willingly have had him to live with us here - sometimes I imagine him with his own room downstairs & pottering around the garden keeping it in trim & propagating plants to his heart's content & mine. But it was not to be - he died a few years after I met him - & I've always found that cruel. He was the strong, silent type, enduring much but nobody's fool & a kind & quietly, thoughtfully generous man who stood up for me on more than one occasion.

Do not meet your mother next week.
Take space.

Don't meet them, I second giving yourself a few weeks space.

Funny the way your mum words it you've been "on her mind" as if she is a considerate and feeling mother. Do you think she knows she overdid it gushing over your sister or is this typical hoovering behaviour by her.

You really have been through a turbulent time so it is no wonder you are evaluating things. I definitely think you need time and space especially if in the future you have fertility treatment. You need to guard and protect yourself from all the upset she causes you x

@wonderingwonderingwondering Just want to add that Mary Toolan's YouTube channel is very helpful for scapegoat abuse recovery. It sounds like you've done so much work and deep searching around this already, so maybe another information thing is the last thing you need - but just in case. I found her good for learning how to actually go about being warmly nurturing and validating towards myself - in other words trying to fill in the gaps of what I didn't get from family of origin.

I think tbh your mother had it very tough also. Imagine one of you totally mentally uncapable and ill, you went abroad and kept changing this and that, seems only the youngest stayed around.

it is whatever is. Your mother needs to latch onto something also , to keep her own sanity. That is her youngest daughter.

Do not blame you for whatever you decide not excuse your mother. Just offering another glimpse into one very fallible and perhaps exhausted old woman you have for a mother.

I have also a story to tell, but I went NC. So not wanting to keep recommending this

OP you need to establish strong, firm boundaries with your family. That doesn’t necessarily mean NC but possibly a slow fade and grey rock might be what you need. Just make yourself unavailable, see them as little as possible, and share NOTHING about your life with them.

Re bonding with other “maternal” figures such as MIL, have you ever just met up with her for a coffee without your DH there? Treat her as a friend. Get to know her one on one, and just take it from there. That’s really all there is to bonding with others, take it slow, spend some quality time together, and be RUTHLESS. Red flags? Cut them off or at the very least distance yourself. Only make time for people who make you feel truly cherished and valued. That way you’ll only be making room for people who enrich your life and add positivity. In time that’ll help you accept having to walk away from your family.

Oh and do not take on any caring responsibilities whatsoever!!! And don’t feel guilty about it!!!

Completely got what your wrote OP. I have gradually reduced contact with mine. You feel like the only person experiencing it don't you? I read somewhere that the golden child is much worse off and the scapegoat child is free. So I focus on the being free. Hold your head high, what you've achieved is amazing.

Just wanted to thank everyone who offered that I don't have to meet my mother next week. It was a relief to read those posts, I genuinely didn't know that was an option. She so rarely visits, I thought I should be grateful of the olive branch. I've been feeling guilty over being "off" with her at the weekend and leaving the house in a rush, as my trauma response was becoming too much to bear.

I got up early, took a fitness class, acknowledged the reality that agreeing to this would upset me for days if not weeks to come, and then texted her as politely as I could. My husband and I discussed things last night, he said I am not and never have been myself when we visit my parents, this has continued for 4+ years as long as he's known me, and it's time to say No. Then he congratulated me when I texted her, and told me he loves me and is proud of me. I feel relief along with deep sadness now.

I also wanted to address the poster who mentioned how hard and painful my mother's life has been. There's so much truth to that. It is the ultimate truth. She's full of toxic positivity about her own childhood, but as the oldest daughter of 9 children, a mum that died early and her martyr complex, I know that she never had a childhood. I also know that what happened to my sister has broken her in half and she has never gotten over it. None of us have. My sister went from this beautiful, gentle and kind daughter / sister to me, to acute psychosis, a complete personality breakdown, to a medicated vegetable within a short time period. My mother sought solutions and care for her and got nowhere in the medical system. She's been pillar to post. Her greatest fear is what will happen to my sister when she dies. She's very protective over her and has taken on caring for her for at least half of the week, alongside residential care, and has what i'd describe as an enabling / enmeshed relationship with her where she won't go anywhere without her. It's 100% accurate that her relationship with my younger sister is probably the only way she copes, she gets very little help from my father who just lives his life in the next room / watching TV / on the golf course despite being stubbornly entrenched in his mindset that my older sister must be in the care of her mother as often as possible.

Sorry for the over-share. My mother has a shit life. My distancing is going to hurt her, and my father, and cause a lot of things that scare me stiff. But I can't keep setting myself on fire to keep them warm. I tried and tried and tried. I left, I made myself one less thing to worry about, I became the "independent, successful" one, I allowed them to credit themselves for my own accomplishments, I dug my little sister out of holes, I allowed myself to feel "grateful" for crumbs for decades, I made myself small so they could be bigger, I took all the blame for it all. I can't anymore. I will get sicker, I will fcuk my own life up and my marriage up.

I didn't mean for this to be so long. I guess I needed to acknowledge that this is not a black and white situation (thanks to that poster) to fully acknowledge that yes it is hopeless, but it's not my job to fix it anymore.

Thanks to all who contributed on this thread. I hope some of what I've posted has helped others even just a little bit. It's been helpful to me to see that I'm not the only person in the universe going through this, and also to see that I am an adult and I have choices now.

I’ve felt so sad reading this OP, to hear of yet another woman who’s life is dominated by a dysfunctional mother.
My own mother has put me through hell throughout my life and I yearned for a mum who loved me like other mums loved their daughters.
My husband saw the dynamics straightaway and really it was only then that I realised I had suffered emotional abuse. The scars are still there and I have terribly poor self esteem that I have not been able to overcome. A highly critical mother is frightening to grow up with and it is only recently that I’ve managed to escape from the historical trauma. I’m late fifties.
Two things have helped.
Grey rocking if you want to keep in touch but need a barrier between you and her. It takes a long time to work in my experience but is worth persevering with as it’s a ‘gentle’ way that allows room to maintain your own integrity. My mother is so lacking in emotional intelligence or introspection that she doesn’t even know I’m doing it with her.
And a nugget of advice from a therapist many moons ago “concentrate on your ‘now’ family”. Right now that’s you and your husband.
Be the person your mother isn’t. This is your chance to change the narrative.
As others have said, she could live a long life and this isn’t going away. My mother is in her nineties and I still have to remind myself to have my wits about me, no letting the guard down.
Btw you sound lovely. Good Luck x

It sounds to me like there is a strong family history of neurodivergence here (both your mother and your sister). Personality disorders can emerge where people have adopted maladaptive coping mechanisms in response to a lack of agency and boundaries in early life; this might explain why your mother behaves this way.

She is a very difficult person who will never provide you with the love and reassurance you need. You owe her nothing.