Hi all.
Please bear with me. I'm struggling a lot at the moment and feel I'd benefit massively from an outsider view of things. This is also quite a complex situation. Sorry it's so long.
38f, middle child of three daughters. I grew up in a "well to do" home with a mother obsessed with academic achievement and outward success; a father who was emotionally absent and the less dominant parent. Older sibling fell down a well of deep mental illness in my teens and that caused major trauma to the family, to this day she has never recovered and has spent 20+ years in/out psychiatric facilities, she's now in part-time residential care. Mother minds her for half of the week.
I left home at 18. Parents took the view I was the "quiet", "capable", "independent" one and I basically was more or less forgotten about then; I can count on one hand the amount of times I was visited by parents in these 20 years. I got my degree, worked hard in different jobs in a very competitive industry, moved abroad several times, changed industry, worked up a corporate ladder. It all looked "great", but in recent years therapy has taught me that this was a time of extreme loneliness, depression, anxiety, undiagnosed ADHD, eating disorders, toxic romantic relationships...there was a lot of pain. I'd see my family once or twice a year.
My younger sister became my mother's focus in my absence. She lived at home til mid 20s, was funded through 2 college degrees, including one expensive medical degree that parents remortgaged the house to fund. My mother has lived vicariously through her for decades now. Every time I go to visit, or receive a phone call from my mother, it's a one-way monologue about sibling's escapades, her latest partner, the latest house she's bought, etc. She knows minute detail about her life day-to-day. Sibling bought a home recently. I visited that home at the weekend and she talked about how our father was doing a garden makeover and all of the light fixtures, mother came every week to clean the house, cook her meals, do her laundry. My parents have visited my new home in a different city just once. Never helped in any way like that.
I got married recently. When I got engaged I knew, thanks to therapy, that any expectations of my mother would just hurt me. I asked nothing of her, shared little info, went dress shopping alone, planned without her involvement and let her come along and have her "Mother of the Bride" moments on the day. She offered no compliments, no words of support, she criticised my speech and I heard from guests afterwards that she complained that we weren't having a religious ceremony. Neither of us are religious, but she is devout.
The final straw came for me at the weekend. After my wedding, I had a surgery for endometriosis and the recovery has been more difficult than anticipated. I've developed further health issues that have wiped me out recently. I also recently quit my corporate leadership job, as it wasn't helping the health issues and alongside wedding planning, dealing with ongoing infertility, myself and DH decided I needed a break and financially we'd be fine for a while. I yielded to pressure to visit my parents this weekend, thought they might want to see our official wedding photos, ask about surgery...but the experience became entirely about my younger sibling and her new boyfriend, who joined us for dinner and breakfast the next morning. They talked new house, mortgage rates, gossiped about sibling's friends and patients...No questions about us, the wedding aftermath, my surgery, my post job life, etc. I sat at their kitchen dinner table and felt like a ghost, like the three hour drive by my husband was a total waste of time, like we may as well not be there. I felt like a neglected child all over again.
I'm 38 years old and I can no longer tolerate being treated like this. I actually feel like the chronic stress of their neglect and favouritism has contributed to my health issues. My husband can't tell me enough that my mother is "not a mother to me", is "more interested in how things look than how you are". The recent hardship in my life have made their lack of interest in me and over-investment in younger sibling more intolerable than ever.
I just don't know how to proceed with these people, that are supposed to be family but who treat me worst than a stranger. It's also important to note that they are ageing, in their 70s and cognitive decline has set in. There will also be much to consider with care for my complex needs sibling in the next few years.
Can anyone relate? Does anyone have parents or a family dynamic like this? Can anyone provide insight, or examples of how you dealt with your own family dysfunction? Is No Contact the only way to have a happy, healthy life now?
TLDR: I am the middle neglected child in a toxic family system that includes sibling favouritism, a sibling with special needs and parents that are ageing rapidly. I don't know how to proceed in this dynamic while protecting my peace.