DH doesn't understand my family and tries to sabotage visits

[mambojambodothetango]

DH has never been totally relaxed around my family and I think he finds my relationship with them threatening. I don't need him to love them but them problem is he tries to sabotage my time with them and I need it to stop.

He's an only child and his parents are both NC with their own siblings so he hasn't had his own experience of family outside his Ps, who live 15 mins away from us (we see them almost every weekend). I have a DSis and a DB who I am quite close to and they are married with DC - neither live nearby. We lost both our Ps in the last 5 years.

DH was quite fond of my Ps but has never enjoyed our big family gatherings (which I totally get, though these have only ever been a couple of times a year) but in the last few years he has become increasingly inclined to put obstacles in the way when I suggest meeting up with my siblings, either with or without him. We probably see each other 4-5 times per year for a day or two - hardly excessive. Usually just a night or two staying at each others' homes - occasionally a family weekend away.

I have suggested sometimes that he doesn't need to come if he prefers not to, but then I am made to feel mean that I don't want to spend the time with him, so he comes along and then we get low-level sulking. I have a couple of times in the last year arranged short visits with the DC during school holidays when he can't get time off - and that has worked well, though he wasn't overjoyed about it.

The type of thing he says can be 'but I wanted to do X that weekend' (never anything he can't move to a different weekend) or 'can we just go for 1 day rather than 2'. Talking about Xmas and fitting in a visit to them, he's now started saying he'd rather go on holiday.

Once, I planned to spend 3 nights away with my DSis, sorting out our Mum's house when she was terminally ill (the first time we'd ever gone somewhere together just the 2 of us), and he threw a wobbly the night before we went, saying he 'didn't approve'. I was so shocked, I wish I'd told him to fuck off but instead I cried for a couple of days. Then another time it was DSisIL's big birthday and he basically sulked and said he'd rather we didn't go because it was around the time of his (non-big) birthday and he 'might want to do something else'. It caused real pain as I felt stuck in the middle and had to tell DSisIL that we weren't going. Again, I regretted not standing up to him.

So now I am anticipating the next time this happens, which will be coming up as my DB has suggested the three of us siblings going away for a few days next year - which I really want to do. I literally daren't tell DH because I know he will come up with several reasons why I shouldn't go and I worry I won't be able to stand firm - or if I do I will lose my rag and scream at him.

I don't think I am being unreasonable to want to spend some time with my siblings (we're talking around 10 days of the year in total). And seeing as I now don't have either parent, they are more important to me than ever and I feel like if anything he should be happy for me that I get to see them. Tell me I'm right and that he doesn't get to obstruct our plans or be stroppy about it! I have lost all sense of what's reasonable.

For context, he is not mean in other respects and I think it comes from jealousy and lack of understanding than from a general bad attitude. He's only like this about my family, not about me seeing friends or having hobbies etc.

Thanks for reading this far!

Given this is an ongoing situation I think you need to sit down with him and talk him through it rather than trying to deal with it each time.

I would be interested in why his parents are NC with their siblings. I suspect as he has grown up with only primary family (and family gatherings are quiet) This is the sauce of the issue. Framing around how he sees your children being in the future may help him understand.

Gently OP it seems that “He's generally a loving and supportive husband” as long as you’re doing what he wants. When you don’t want to go along with what he wants he sulks and moans and actively tries to sabotage your plans

I’m not sure I’d say he is abusive.

But he has no communication skills at all.
He isn’t able to express exactly what’s going on/why he is unhappy about going whilst at the same time expecting you to fall in line with what he likes rather than comprise (like you go on your own and he doesn’t sulk).

So instead he is reverting to tactics that will make it hard for you to go.

The best you can do is lance the abscess really.
Start a conversation.
Explain to him what youve said on this thread - that you are walking on eggshell and worried about telling him you want to see his family. That it makes feel unseen and unworthy.
See what he says. Is he deflecting/gaslighting or is he horrified at the idea he is making you so anxious and in some ways scared/fearful?
How does he feel when he is going to see your family? Does he really believe it’s ok to push you to never see them?

But you need to be much more open to each other about how the situation feels to you.

I don't think generally nice and supportive people deliberately upset their partners when they are losing a parent and dealing with all the emotional loss, admin and stress that involves.
When you needed his support the most he was an utter cunt.

@mambojambodothetango do you both work?

I would totally do this. ‘I’m going away for a few days with siblings. I’m not sure what imaginary problems you are going to make up to try and stop me going, but I warn you I’m very done with this behaviour and will take a week if you do. And as for who will look after the children, the answer is they have a dad.’

I'm sometimes annoyed that my partner doesn't want to visit my family but at least he tells me to go and enjoy.

Have you ever straight up asked what it is about? I mean just say what you've observed in his behaviour and ask why he is against you spending time with your family when he sees his once a week.

@mambojambodothetango when his parents die, his world is going to be very small!!! especially, if he doesnt start acting like a real adult!!! you might just decide you have had enough of his stupidity!

@mambojambodothetango you say your DH is an only child... I've read your posts but I wonder how well he gets on with his parents and what his childhood was like? He seems to have a real aversion to your siblings and I wonder if there is a reason? Especially if he's fine with your friends..?

I pretty much guarantee your siblings have clocked how controlling he is and have probably discussed it between themselves and are concerned about you.

Thank you for the great advice. His Ps are NC with their siblings through unconnected circumstances - one rebelled and went abroad and cut himself off from everyone; the other expected the lion's share of inheritance and flounced off. Obviously I've only heard one side of each story. I don't think there's anything toxic going on with them - but it just means there's no experience of having a wider family than just parents.

Sorry that wasn't clear, I mean his uncle and aunt behaved that way, not his Ps.

I think you might be right.

OP sit down as many times as you need and write a letter to him. Start it with his behaviour when you were going to clear out your terminally ill mums house and how that made you feel, then list all the other examples of this behaviour and how that made you feel. Perhaps even mention your own relationship with his parents and how you always make time to see them and enjoy it, but he doesn’t give you the same respect. Then mention your trip next year, if you get the same usual response either straight away or in the future, calmly tell him how you feel and present him with the letter. He may suddenly get it or he may double down, in which case I think you might see your future with him more clearly and the fact this part of things will never change. The fact he is good in other ways does not cancel out such a huge flaw, also the fact he’s sulky about parenting.

It's controlling.

And you're using 'I think he's jealous' etc...like it's an excuse, almost.

A full grown man jealous and spiteful of your family bonds. That's fucking terrifying op.

It's 'run for the hills' territory!
The dude is nuts.

What you need to understand with men like your husband is their need for control only ever increases.
You give a bit to calm him down?
He just wants more.

When his parents die, his jealousy of your siblings will hugely increase.

Believe me, you have residual anger over your mothers death, what about a siblings death, and the regret you might have?
Deal with this now.

Your siblings are precious and I too agree they are well aware what an abusive, sulking controlling twat you are married to.

You say it's just with your family but I have doubts. Do you go for nights out with girlfriends, or a weekend away with your crafting club (or whatever)? Because it is far more likely that he doesn't mind other relationships when they are fairly superficial and/or don't involve him having to step up and parent and/or aren't a threat to him and that you have few other relationships that actually involve you doing this. Close family are absolutely a threat to him and it's very common for controlling men to try to alienate you from your family.

If he was rational, you could tally up all the days you've spent with his parents and point out how much less you spend with yours. But that probably won't work because he's clearly not rational on this.

Yes I do arrange things with friends and the occasional trip away. I wouldn't say he's ever cock-a-hoop about these but he hasn't objected. I have learned to rise above it and pretend I haven't noticed his lack of encouragement about these things - so I am capable of the 'do it anyway' thing.

To update: feeling much stronger with your help, I booked flights for the trip just now and told DH by text (he's at work). Strangely, he said fine and that he would plan to work from home that week. However I'm bracing myself for an objection further down the line, as that's happened before. I'll be ready this time and won't put up with any nonsense! Thank you all for your advice.

Bravo OP! Good luck, stay strong.

Be aware it might not just be objections, he may try to sabotage things in other ways.

Hide your passport if you're taking flights.

'Strangely calm' yeah...probably because he has a plan.

If you're not scared of his reaction in terms of him hurting you / the kids, not worried he'd neglect them and he's not trying to isolate you from friends etc then this has become a YOU problem. If he moans about friends, you ignore. If he moans about siblings, you give in. Why? You don't need to feel guilty you have some and he doesn't. You know he's perfectly capable of coping and the kids are safe. So you just need to be firm. You are responsible for your behaviour, not his.

He is definitely being controlling about this issue. You say you are not frightened of him so why are you giving into what he wants all the time. He is now conditioned to getting his own way. Perhaps you should say you will only see his parents as many times as he sees your family!
The main thing you need to do us just say 'I'm going, with or without you'. He is not your boss, you should have an equal relationship so stop giving into what he wants. If you continue then unfortunately you only have yourself to blame.

Oh my goodness you are a grown woman and do not need his permission to spend time with your siblings. What awful behaviour from your DH