DH doesn't understand my family and tries to sabotage visits

[mambojambodothetango]

DH has never been totally relaxed around my family and I think he finds my relationship with them threatening. I don't need him to love them but them problem is he tries to sabotage my time with them and I need it to stop.

He's an only child and his parents are both NC with their own siblings so he hasn't had his own experience of family outside his Ps, who live 15 mins away from us (we see them almost every weekend). I have a DSis and a DB who I am quite close to and they are married with DC - neither live nearby. We lost both our Ps in the last 5 years.

DH was quite fond of my Ps but has never enjoyed our big family gatherings (which I totally get, though these have only ever been a couple of times a year) but in the last few years he has become increasingly inclined to put obstacles in the way when I suggest meeting up with my siblings, either with or without him. We probably see each other 4-5 times per year for a day or two - hardly excessive. Usually just a night or two staying at each others' homes - occasionally a family weekend away.

I have suggested sometimes that he doesn't need to come if he prefers not to, but then I am made to feel mean that I don't want to spend the time with him, so he comes along and then we get low-level sulking. I have a couple of times in the last year arranged short visits with the DC during school holidays when he can't get time off - and that has worked well, though he wasn't overjoyed about it.

The type of thing he says can be 'but I wanted to do X that weekend' (never anything he can't move to a different weekend) or 'can we just go for 1 day rather than 2'. Talking about Xmas and fitting in a visit to them, he's now started saying he'd rather go on holiday.

Once, I planned to spend 3 nights away with my DSis, sorting out our Mum's house when she was terminally ill (the first time we'd ever gone somewhere together just the 2 of us), and he threw a wobbly the night before we went, saying he 'didn't approve'. I was so shocked, I wish I'd told him to fuck off but instead I cried for a couple of days. Then another time it was DSisIL's big birthday and he basically sulked and said he'd rather we didn't go because it was around the time of his (non-big) birthday and he 'might want to do something else'. It caused real pain as I felt stuck in the middle and had to tell DSisIL that we weren't going. Again, I regretted not standing up to him.

So now I am anticipating the next time this happens, which will be coming up as my DB has suggested the three of us siblings going away for a few days next year - which I really want to do. I literally daren't tell DH because I know he will come up with several reasons why I shouldn't go and I worry I won't be able to stand firm - or if I do I will lose my rag and scream at him.

I don't think I am being unreasonable to want to spend some time with my siblings (we're talking around 10 days of the year in total). And seeing as I now don't have either parent, they are more important to me than ever and I feel like if anything he should be happy for me that I get to see them. Tell me I'm right and that he doesn't get to obstruct our plans or be stroppy about it! I have lost all sense of what's reasonable.

For context, he is not mean in other respects and I think it comes from jealousy and lack of understanding than from a general bad attitude. He's only like this about my family, not about me seeing friends or having hobbies etc.

Thanks for reading this far!

I spent lots of time with family over that period with no problems - it was one trip to a house my Mum owns, to sort out admin stuff and do some clearing so we were away a few nights. I know, it's ridiculous that I had to justify it. I sorely regret that I didn't point out how unreasonable he was - instead, I just crumpled.

What would happen if you said "hey dh, I'm going away for 3 days, I'll expect you will throw a strop, make up imaginary events you want to go to. Please prove me wrong"

There are a couple of times in your opening post where you refer to being "made" to do/ not do something or "had" to do/not do something.

I'm sympathetic to your situation, but I think it might help you to stop thinking in these terms. If he chooses to sulk or whatever, that is his choice. Not a reason for you not seeing your family. If he chooses to sulk (and he is choosing that response) let him go ahead. Sulking only gains kudos if it gets a response. Don't give it to him.

If he’s otherwise a good husband, then I would sit him down and calmly explain that you’ve noticed this pattern and it’s really becoming a problem for you within your marriage. Ask him if he can articulate what the problem is. See if you can talk it all out, without him feeling like you’re having a go but also being firm that it can’t continue.

Ha ha I love this. Very tempted to try it. I did once say say something similar and it seemed to work so it's a possible tactic in future. Thanks!

Imagine if your children were in relationships were one partner made life difficult everytime they attempted to visit the other or see you both? How would he feel if his child had a partner behaving like this? Making his child miserable and feel torn like this?

Id suggest couples counselling and not let this go on any longer.

Thanks. Good advice. I have been trying to do this when he sulks. Which isn't often. And is really just when this one thing comes up.

Yes. You are right. In fact I think my DB is cottoning on to what's going on but has been tactful so far.

I wonder what's going on for your DH. Maybe he doesn't feel like a part of your close family of origin and misses having one of his own, so he's painfully envious. Maybe he feels ignored or ganged up on when he's with your family, but not going along doesn't feel great either, like being excluded? It goes without saying that you have a right to spend time with your siblings, but there might be another way of arranging this without upsetting your DH so much. His habit of making silly objections on practical grounds can't be helping, but you could encourage him to say how exactly he feels about it - that might help .

Yes, I think you are right. We did discuss it once and he was quite honest about not enjoying the vibe - hence I've introduced sometimes going without him when he can't get time off.

You say you visit his parents nearly every weekend. What would he do if you refused to go and sulked when he went? Would he think that you were being unreasonable?

Just stop taking him with you. He doesn’t enjoy it and makes it hard for you, so tell him you are going without him and all the reasons why. It’s a fight I would be prepared to have frankly, and I would tell him straight that it’s your family, you love them and you won’t stop having a relationship with them
you are giving in too easily and this is giving him the next round of ammo. Stop giving in, tell him well in advance and when he says “I have something planned” ok great! You do that and I’ll see family. End of . If he gets sulky, he will do that anyway, and spoil your weekend so let him do that at home on his own.

Similar theme to @wizzywig 's excellent post. Call out the behaviour. "And I expect you to sulk for at least 2 days over this, don't let me down!" See how long he keeps it up for after he's been exposed.

I'd put money on that spoiling the whole thing for him. Because he doesn't get what he wants out of it, he doesn't bother doing it any more. You're doing him a favour actually by calling it out. Opening the door towards truth and him developing more mature coping techniques!

Yes I'm also wondering about this. Why see his parents every weekend then let him kick off when you want to see your own family? You can call that out too. "Oh off to your parents again sigh I do think we spend too much time with them, there's so much I want to do with my weekends"

To outmanoeuvre controlling behaviour you have to not defend or explain yourself. Don’t give into the manipulation either just tell him once and then repeat. I suspect the unpleasantness will keep growing on his side and then you need to decide what to do. DH’s father was a deeply controlling man. The abuse typically escalates when they don’t get their way so be prepared for that. In your shoes I would start to create a set of inner rules for what you are willing to put up with and stick to that. Personally one of the rules would be insisting on marriage counselling if he puts a road block up against you visiting family again and then take it from there.

He’s slowly trying to isolate you. He can’t say he doesn’t want you to see your family, but he can make things difficult in hope you’ll give up. If you give up seeing your family he will then try to stop you seeing your friends. If you give up your friends he will then start creating a fuss every time you want to leave the house.

Some excellent advice this morning, thank you. Yes, I am developing a set of inner rules for some other annoying things - much less bothersome things like messiness, but I can apply the same logic. I find letting the last annoying thing he said hang in the air without a reply is quite effective - rather than trying to outsmart him.

I really think he could overcome it if he tried to see it from my perspective. He's generally a loving and supportive husband - I've no worries about him trying to isolate me. However, I am determined to stand firm about time with my family.

His Ps are only 15 mins away so we see them for lunch or dinner - we're not staying with them. And occasionally I haven't gone and has fine with that. But I'm keeping that bit of powder dry for future, given the hours we've spent with them over the years!

You appear to be married to a prick. Just go. Spend as much time as you like with your family. He doesn’t need to ‘understand’ or approve.

He is massively insecure and wants you all to himself and deliberately trying to stop you see them.

I have gone off for up to two weeks at a time to see my brother in America. DH has gone far less than me but he has also gone to see his sister who lives in Spain. I flew to America minus DH about 12 times over 25 years.

His behaviour is totally irrational and really controlling. Also his communication skills are poor: he should be able to say how he feels without making up silly excuses.

Behaving like this and being so needy and insecure is very unattractive. And can't he see how two-faced he's being? You see his parents all the time!

Stand your ground, see your siblings as much as you want, call him out each time for being a twat.

OP,
You are in an abusive controlling relationship and don't seem to realise it.
Sulking is abusive and you are just so used to it.
You walk on eggshells and are afraid of his reaction to a few days away with your family? Abusive pure and simply.

I hope you work?
If you don't look seriously look at getting back into paid work.
Men like him only get worse.
When his parents die he will get worse.
Retirement is a huge trigger as is children growing up and off doing their own thing.

He wants to control you, it is in his DNA.
Men like this don't change.

I would strongly suggest you tell him that you are very unhappy with how he behaves and intend to seek support and advice from counselling.
Ring Women's aid for advice and support.

I would tell him that he will now be visiting his family alone as you will be tallying up the hours spend with each family and sticking to it.

I think you should be looking at his behaviour in detail.
Refusing to look after his children to stop you going?
Coercive control.

Read the book "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft would be of benefit.
It can be gotten free via a PDF.

Don't dismiss this behaviour.
Hold on to your anger regarding your mothers house and death.

Don't play down how controlling, selfish and ugly a man has to be to cause their wife extra upset when their mother is dying.

Protect yourself.
He is NOT a good man.
Reach out for support and tell your family the honest truth.

If he is generally a decent and reasonable person, I would try to have an honest conversation about it. Next time he pulls that shit I would ask him to sit down with you and say "I don't know if you realise you do this, but every time I try to see my family - which is VERY - important to me, you start finding reasons to make it difficult. I know you don't have other family, and I would understand if being around my family is difficult for that reason, but I would hope for better from you than trying to stop me spending time with them."

Ask him how he would feel if one of your children married someone who kept them apart from the other (against their wishes) after you and he are dead. Would he think that was ok?

Be prepared to hear some negative opinions about your siblings as justification.

It could start with your siblings, then onto your friendships and work colleagues and even play you off against your children.

It's a learnt behaviour that he likely learnt from a toxic family environment.

Removing him from decision making about interaction is the best way. How you do that can be challenging but I would start with just doing all the arrangements on times when he cannot commit and just telling him as you're leaving.

He is going to sulk either way. Let him do that away from you and your children. They don't need to learn this trait.

Instant reaction: he needs to grow the fuck up. And I'd make a pie chart of the time you spend with his family vs the time you spend with yours.

More considered reaction: he does not get to spoil, prevent or control you spending time with anyone. Let alone your family. Presumably you live with him so you aren't losing precious time with him when you see them as you see him daily. It is immature, controlling and pathetic that he behaves like this. And would make me exit the relationship, truthfully. It's such a warped view of reality that someone wouldn't want their partner to see their family and takes it as a personal slight.

Oh and practically, I'd book in to go on that trip with siblings and not tell him until the last minute. If he's angry about you not telling him, I'd say it's because of his track record of moaning, sulking and spoiling every time you want to be with your own fucking family.
That's if you can expend the energy on all this rather than just dumping him.