Bought a house, relationship at risk bc of money arguments

[Flowergirlie91]

First time posting, long time reader. Would love your advice. My partner (5 yrs) seems to think it’s ok we pay mortgage & all bills 50/50 even though he earns £25K more than me. Because he paid the deposit for our new house we are moving into in a few weeks (which I said I will pay him back half of it over the next year as I needed more time to save). I’m very grateful he stepped up for the deposit. We are in the same job, different industry. He also paid for the majority of a large holiday because he came into some money last year. He is a very caring, kind and encouraging person, but this argument has me really questioning if he sees me as an equal / sees us as a team. Even before we decided to buy a house, he did think we should both pay all our bills 50/50, our income has always differed £15-30K. I never really thought much of it, but now I realise I could have saved thousands more if it we payed pro-rata. He said to me paying pro rata would be ridiculous because we both earn a good salary. It seems to me he wants to have a woman he can take out for dinners, holidays and give gifts, which sounds nice but it also makes me feel like he can then expect me to do more of the household (he does do chores, but Id say its 30% him 70% me.. you know the usual unfair mental load). I would much rather us both contributing to holidays / dinners etc. Any advice?

He has a fantastic deal of course he wouldn't be thrilled to change it.
I'd withhold sex, glow up and find another man who wouldn't make you suffer.

I’m not just sure why this wasn’t all thrashed out before becoming joint homeowners? You need to separate out the financial from the housework - they are two different things and if he doesn’t think 50/50 on housework is fair, then he can pay for some help. You say he’s kind, caring and encouraging, but doesn’t seem to act that way when it comes to this situation? Sorry I don’t have better advice but it seems very muddled?

Unmarried and no shared children, I’d go 50/50 on joint costs. This would mean purchasing a home within the lower earners affordability of course.

Why is he expecting you to do more chores but pay 50/50? It's either equal or it isn't. Are the holidays and dates enough to even things out in your mind?

Ultimately, you aren't married so usually the expectation would be that you contribute equally but that would be financially and in terms of house work, admin etc, like house mates. This might shift if you had a child together but legally you are seperate entities.

Did he protect his deposit amount legally?

Yes, because using the threat of no sex to get him to pay more towards your share of the bills is nothing like prostitution!

Nope

to be honest, I’m not even a fan of the pro-rata approach. When my boyfriend and I were moving in together, I was willing to consider 2 options. 1) we lived to my budget and split things 50/50. He could have savings or go off and travel or whatever he wanted. I was not willing to compromise my financial stability and savings by stretching to meet his desired lifestyle, even pro-rated. 2) however we handled the actual accounts, we should end up with the same amount of discretionary income and savings, but we could live the higher lifestyle. Essentially he could subsidize me.

he chose option 2. It worked out nicely for him because not long after I became the dramatically higher earner.

He's not being fair to insist on 50/50 bill splits when he is earning far more than you. It should be proportionate to earnings. You do not want to get pregnant by him either; he will insist on 50/50 out of your meagre maternity pay too.

On a wider level I would reassess your relationship with him as a whole and decide whether you want to stay with him or not. Not all men behave like this and this man is acting in his own self interest rather than joint interests; these types do not want to share.

Thanks for the replies! We do have a cleaner, she is lovely. Not the best cleaner ever but she is very helpful nonetheless. To add a bit more context. We are very lucky to both earn decent money, more than six figures together. So perhaps this really is a non issue.. Our new house is an average 3 bed and I could pay the mortgage on my own and still save. I think he feels like he does 50% of housework, but I don’t actually think that’s the case. I am very fortunate to have a good job & salary, but I also have prioritised my career for years and have multiple degrees. I would love to retire early so I save & invest now (I don’t live a flamboyant lifestyle) so I can still pay my way, leave hardcore corporate and work a creative job instead. His deposit amount is protected legally. We agreed to become joint tenants when I have paid him back half of the deposit. We aren’t 100% sure if we want to get married. I’d like to but he comes from a broken family so I’m ok with it not happening but I do want us to be a fully equal partnership, even if we aren’t married, and this argument doesn’t give me reassurance. Out of interest, why are some of you suggesting that bc childless & not married, it should be 50/50 and not percentage split on income? I understand legally, but morally? I really care about him and would happily pay a different split if I earned more.

No kids not married why should he bank roll you
I’ve been on both sides of the fence of this and done 50/50

Interesting response! How do you feel about this arrangement? Do you have children / own a home? I wouldn’t mind this approach if I earned more than him

Thanks, but what if we wouldn’t get married by choice and not have children (undecided currently..) and we stay together for decades….?

No because she is now paying more than her share , the proper 50-50 would be prorata and prostitution would probably pay more and better than this set up. Her set up is like roommates who is also getting sex on top of household chores, what a fab deal!
Stopping cleaning will make the living conditions worse for op and stopping talking is childish, you would be the first jump up and comment 'silent treatment is abusive' 🙄

What differentiates friends/roommates from couples? the sex and sex is where it usually hurts men. The false moral outrage and denial of the reality of the dynamics between men and women in the name of equality and feminism actually makes life harder for women because now women are expected to do twice as much: all the things women did in a relationship eg clean and have sex but also pay bills at 50-50 knowing full well that most women do not earn as much as their male partners and most male partners do not contribute equally to household jobs. And yes I'll save you the time and say, not all men etc etc.🙄

Calculate your respective percentages and ask him why he thinks it's fair that you pay x% of your income while he pays only y% of his.

well morally- why should he subsidise you?

my partner earns half what I do, it’s more noticeable than your gap would be as we don’t earn anything like 6 figures. He’d be embarrassed if I offered to pay more of the mortgage on that basis and mumsnet would probably call him a cocklodger.

edit to say this would obviously change if there was kids.

Unmarried no kids 50/50 is normal
You earn a good wage and can still save and could always find a job that pays similar to his does
Married with kids, all in one pot or pro rata
That's my opinion anyway

This does describe how I feel tbh… like I have to be happy cute sweet grateful girlfriend all the time because he takes me out for a dinner / holiday even though I pay a higher share of my income towards bills (income that yes I acknowledge is high above average but I also worked my ass off since I was 16). I hold big majority of mental load too. We have the same job and he does not have my degrees or years of experience (men privilege? Maybe maybe not). The problem is, I do love him, he is very sweet and funny and caring majority of the time, he would make a great dad if that were to ever happen, he is attractive and we have fun. But I can’t help but feeling that I have to go through loads more effort for the same outcome / lifestyle

When there are shared children, you both act in the best interests of the family unit. So this may mean one parent working less hours or choosing not to prioritise their career. I’d pay pro rata in this situation because finances are being balanced around parenting, around a family. I wouldn't do it to subsidise another adult, who is able to fully focus on their career and increase their earning potential ( because there aren’t children to consider). Thats the difference for me personally.

You are partners, not spouses, so I wouldn't expect any expectation of proportional paying for things. However, you have the right to say no at any time about things you don't want to pay for so you can live within your means. You could have agreed to buy with him, but you get a smaller percentage, or buy a smaller flat instead. He can't force you to spend more than you are ok with.

As MN likes to say, if it doesn't work for you OP,, you can walk away. However, he is subsiding you in lots of ways, you haven't got children and you seem to expect he does subsidise you because, in your words, you are sweet, cute and attractive. You don't have children, you both work full time and you have a cleaner. How much mess do you both make. You talk about mental load but he is subsiding your holidays etc. Exactly what mental load do you have?

It doesn't sound healthy or long term if you are relying on him subsidising you because of your sweetness and cuteness. It doesn't sound very grown up at all.It sounds princessy.

I would not give money and sex to this man. What a joke

Not married and no kids - nope sorry op why would it not be 50/50.
Yes married does make a difference as this is a financial contract to share 50/50.
i could understand to an extent him paying more if you were struggling to live off your income and he wanted to live somewhere out of your budget but you’ve already said you’re not.

Thanks for your reply. I didn’t say I was sweet or cute.. I most definitely don’t think that haha. I said it makes me feel like I have to behave like that (the perfect girlfriend image) because he buys me dinner..

someone else asked about mental load / holidays. He paid for the majority of 1 big holiday because he got a bonus, all the other ones we have gone 50/50, and on mental load, I take care of anything to do with our current & maintenance (its old so needs it all the time), all the admin / legal for our new house, and it’s a fixer upper so at this point have dealt with 20 different contractors to get a refurb plan going asap. Im just tired lol, maybe that’s why Im upset about this. I plan all our holidays, trips, friends / family get togethers, I write his food shopping list 😂 no we don’t have children so it compares in no way to the load parents deal with, but it’s still there for our life of 2..

Why are you not married?

Arguments about money are what separate couples. You do need to see a solicitor and work out on what basis you own this property and what your expectations would be if you separated.