Bought a house, relationship at risk bc of money arguments

[Flowergirlie91]

First time posting, long time reader. Would love your advice. My partner (5 yrs) seems to think it’s ok we pay mortgage & all bills 50/50 even though he earns £25K more than me. Because he paid the deposit for our new house we are moving into in a few weeks (which I said I will pay him back half of it over the next year as I needed more time to save). I’m very grateful he stepped up for the deposit. We are in the same job, different industry. He also paid for the majority of a large holiday because he came into some money last year. He is a very caring, kind and encouraging person, but this argument has me really questioning if he sees me as an equal / sees us as a team. Even before we decided to buy a house, he did think we should both pay all our bills 50/50, our income has always differed £15-30K. I never really thought much of it, but now I realise I could have saved thousands more if it we payed pro-rata. He said to me paying pro rata would be ridiculous because we both earn a good salary. It seems to me he wants to have a woman he can take out for dinners, holidays and give gifts, which sounds nice but it also makes me feel like he can then expect me to do more of the household (he does do chores, but Id say its 30% him 70% me.. you know the usual unfair mental load). I would much rather us both contributing to holidays / dinners etc. Any advice?

He comes from a broken family, I don’t think he is fully against it but he says he doesn’t want it yet (not that it will never happen). I would like to but I would never push him because I know it’s more complicated for him, he knows this. We are 33 and 32. It’s not an active conversation, most of my friends are in long term relationships & not married but own houses together, some have kids

my ex and I earned the same when we got together, but I had a child who was 9. I had no savings so when we finally bought a house together when I was pregnant with DS2 he paid the deposit so I suggested he had that recognised so we got a tenants in common mortgage and had a 60/40 share in his favour. Pretty soon after he got a promotion and then another so by the time I went back to work after DS he was earning a lot more than me. But we always paid 50-50 on bills and mortgage but I covered everything for the kids (had a DD too) and 80% of food costs.

It was not fair at all. I eventually walked away when he fell out with my eldest and behaved unforgivably. I had to sign the house over to him to get out as I needed some housing benefit to help me pay for the expensive rent in the south east. It was never a fair split, and any man who thinks it’s reasonable to do that, well don’t buy a house with them. We went 50-50 on expenses like the garden being done. It’s 14yrs since we split and I still feel like telling him it was totally unfair but I haven’t as yet. Of course he’s now almost paid off his mortgage and I’m stuck renting until I can move back north when youngest is 18. Don’t me a mug like I was

Thank you for sharing, and Im very sorry to hear this happened to you, definitely unfair and it sounds like something you couldn’t have foreseen happening before buying the house! If you don’t mind me asking, what made you stay? Our agreement is tenants in common, he gets deposit back first and then we go 50/50. We also plan to contribute to mortgage 50/50, however my preference is I pay him half deposit back, we become joint tenants, we both pay into mortgage % split based on our income, so if his is higher he pays more and if I earn more I pay more. If we ever were to break up & sell, we’d each get 50%

What would happen if you were to ever be in maternity leave , would you have to go cap in hand for a pair of socks .

I think money disagreements are such a red flag and he is still in me mine mode

I agree with @AttilaTheMeerkat, because this happened to me. I was so entrenched in the 50/50 mindset I even fucked myself over in the divorce despite having DC nearly 90% of the time.

Now I have a long term partner, no shared DC, I'm mid forties, so none on the horizon and it's all shared money. In his words, we are either in it together or not, there is no 50/50 in that, and both of us benefit in different ways from that, he is no cocklodger and I'm no labialodger.

I thought the only option was 50/50 and be independent, (woo 90s girl power, I can pay my own way, no mention of still carrying a much higher household and mental load) but that actually works against connectedness. I'm a much bigger fan of interdependence now.

Well I'm going against the grain on this one! I am married, no kids, and we split the mortgage and house bills proportionately to our earnings, and we always have done. The food shop, holidays, house stuff etc we pay 50/50. We only have a joint account for the house, other than that our money is independent.

I can see both sides really.

Unmarried & no kids, I don’t see any great need for it not to be 50/50 provided that you can both afford 50%.

Joint finances are really more important once you have kids because at that point one person, usually the woman, takes maternity leave, reduces hours at work, passes on promotions as needs to be available for drop off/pick up, doesn’t progress in their careers due to more time off with sick days for children/working part time etc. At that point, where the woman is disadvantaged financially and career wise due to having joint children, you need joint finances. In your situation where you both sound financially comfortable, 50/50 is fine.

Also am I getting this right that you are bickering about 6 difference or less here? You mention you are both six figures so if you earn £100k and he earns £125k if you did split it proportionately you’d be paying 44% and he’d be paying 56%?

Thanks for your reply! I think this would also be my preferred approach… also because I want to “retire” much earlier so I can get out of corp and into a parttime creative job. This means I want to save & invest as much as I can.. yes my salary is higher than average (not 100K unfortunately as someone suggested :)), but it’s still 25% less than my partner. Other than holidays, food, house stuff, I struggle to understand why I should pay 50% of rent/mortgage/bills.. we both work 40 hours in equally challenging jobs. If you don’t mind me asking, how do your own your home legally? And surely if he thinks this is fair… then why would he change his mind on this topic if we were to marry… or have kids.. that’s my worry

It worked well for us for years. We ended up marrying and divorcing, but that had nothing to do with our financial arrangements. We did not have children.

I’ve always been financially cautious so any setup that requires me to stretch my budget is not an option.

I wish that was the case :) no it’s 6 figures + together. And I appreciate that is a lot of money.. it’s more about fairness to be honest.. the % split would be around 8%, but in the South East with our bills that’s about £3K a year for me.. which I could save for our house refurb.. my hobbies for the whole year… or 50% of a couple holidays together..

thanks everyone for the comments, it’s super helpful to see all your perspectives. Perhaps I am just being unreasonable.. it’s more about fairness than about money tbh

Not married, no kids more than 100k between you - at this point 50/50 on bills sounds right

This is exactly how I feel.. like this “girl power mentality” that I thought was so great.. Im not so sure, I just want us to be a team

OP - you keep talking about fairness, assuming its something absolute in all cases. But it isn’t - as you see its rather relative.
If you made £25K and he was on £50 - then absolutely - pro-rata spending would be fair.
In a situation where you can afford the mortgage on your own - 50/50 is fair. Or, at least, not clearly unfair.

The percentage difference of pro-rata expenses won’t be very big. But if you were to deviate from 50/50 - you can use other principles too - not just income…

For eg - maybe one of you is home more - should they pay more for electricity? If one is vegetarian - should they pay less for food as meat is more expensive? One likes nicer vine? What if one travelled one month - pay less then? Etc.

You can see how ‘fairness’ argument can get complicated very quickly. And its not worth it to expect some absolute fairness - because its impossible. And would require monthly adjustment…

You seem to have a good partner in the way you describe him. Don’t throw it away over developing resentment over something that is not clearly black/white.

As to housework - people tend to overestimate their input and underestimate their partner. Write it all down and discuss it with him.

Some of your posts sound like you feel that he is using you as an arm candy/servant and being very unfair. Is this some issue you had in the past? Because it seems like an overblown reaction to your situation. You have a really comfortable income, a cleaner and no kids.

What is this really all about?

Thank you, I appreciate your honesty and your argument does make sense.. perhaps I should relax a bit about this. I think it’s just a pile up of having done the vast majority of life admin for a while now, eating up so much time, and Im just exhausted. Thanks for your advice

Why are you taking on more of the mental load?

Set up a joint calendar, have all the household dates in there and have a discussion about what's coming up and who's going to sort it rather then you just doing it and him coasting along.

And no, if he's using dinners and holidays as "look at me treating you" while you pay a higher percentage of your salary to bills, then that does seem a little unfair.
Unfortunately there isn't a "right" way, only a "right for you two" way and that will only come from adult discussion where you both air your opinions and come to an agreement. At the minute it's just his way or no way but it needs to be agreed on.

@Flowergirlie91

If you are exhausted over the life admin - that of course needs to be raised as an issue.

Have you tried talking to him about it?

He isn’t “subsidizing” her if he pays for dinner or a holiday. He us hosting her because otherwise he would go alone. What bizarre, constipated, relationships mumsnetters have when money is involved. Money isn’t sacred. It doesn’t grant superiority to the one who has more. And the one who has less in the relationship doesn’t have to be cringingly grateful for crumbs off the table.

Not married and no children, 50:50 is absolutely fair but you have been really foolish not to discuss this thoroughly with each other and separate solicitors before buying a house together.

So for me this mental load thing is by far worse than the money split (as you said you could afford the mortgage by yourself anyway, if you needed to, so it’s not impossibly tight).

Why, really, why, do you do this? Does he work far far longer hours? Why would you have to be in charge of all of this? That’s why it all feels so uneven - he’s not showing a shred of gratefulness for this, yet you’re supposed to be pleased at being treated to a meal out. I’d far rather (and I am) be with someone who participates and shares daily issues and our shared responsibilities, than with someone who “treats” me to dinner and holidays.
Feels to me that you need to sort this out with a much bigger priority than the money thing. This is where you’re being taken for granted.

50:50 on the house and bills sounds perfectly fair to me considering you’re not married and don’t have dc together. If you break up (it happens) then assets can be neatly divided 50:50.

If he wants to go on better holidays or eat better food than you can comfortably afford then he pays for that. I really don’t see what the issue is personally. I’d be a bit annoyed if I bought a house with someone in equal shares and they sprung it on me that they want me to pay more of the mortgage and bills.

Before we were married and had kids we paid 50/50 despite me earning half what he did. Once we got married and had kids, my earning capacity went down as I became the primary caregiver and dh took over paying all the bills and mortgage, and has done ever since, as I work around the kids and do the lions share of the housework and child rearing as he's at work far longer hours than I am. I do offer to contribute to the house, but he'd rather I had money to spend on myself and the kids. So he is extremely generous, but Pré kids and marriage, I never would have considered it fair to pay less than him as all our income was disposable and we only had ourselves to think about. I don't think it's an unfair set up to pay 50/50 when you both have the ability to work and earn as much as you can and have disposable income. Having kids changes this obviously, so if that is something you consider in the future you need to both be on the same page with how finances will work going forward. For now, I see nothing wrong with you both paying your fair share in equal measures as you have no reason not to

I think 50:50 sounds fair when you are not married or have kids but really I think it depends on the earnings.

if you were earning 20k and him 50k that would seem a huge difference but if he is earning 90k and you 60 then that doesn’t seem so bad as long as you can afford your share which you say you can.

I think you need to sort it out before you have kids or get married. My husband and I paid 50/50 when we earnt similar, he subsidised the house and bills when I had my two maternity leaves. And now I earn more and make sure I’m picking up more of the expenses. It’s all swings and roundabouts but ideally you want each partner to have some spending money for themselves at the end of the month and there to not be an imbalance there, otherwise it’s just a bit miserable for the one not earning as much.

This is ridiculous that you’re having this conversation now and not before!!

Honestly unmarried and the plan was for you to pay him back half of the deposit … so why wouldn’t you pay have the mortgage too?

If you are both joint owners then it makes sense to be 5050. You shouldn’t have bought the house if you couldn’t pay that!
It you’re only paying a percentage of the repayment then it should lower your stake in the property.