Bought a house, relationship at risk bc of money arguments

[Flowergirlie91]

First time posting, long time reader. Would love your advice. My partner (5 yrs) seems to think it’s ok we pay mortgage & all bills 50/50 even though he earns £25K more than me. Because he paid the deposit for our new house we are moving into in a few weeks (which I said I will pay him back half of it over the next year as I needed more time to save). I’m very grateful he stepped up for the deposit. We are in the same job, different industry. He also paid for the majority of a large holiday because he came into some money last year. He is a very caring, kind and encouraging person, but this argument has me really questioning if he sees me as an equal / sees us as a team. Even before we decided to buy a house, he did think we should both pay all our bills 50/50, our income has always differed £15-30K. I never really thought much of it, but now I realise I could have saved thousands more if it we payed pro-rata. He said to me paying pro rata would be ridiculous because we both earn a good salary. It seems to me he wants to have a woman he can take out for dinners, holidays and give gifts, which sounds nice but it also makes me feel like he can then expect me to do more of the household (he does do chores, but Id say its 30% him 70% me.. you know the usual unfair mental load). I would much rather us both contributing to holidays / dinners etc. Any advice?

So you bought an older house and he paid a protected deposit.

You are now paying 50/50.

You do the majority of housework, all the mental load and maintenance for the house?

You are being taken for a mug.

You are paying 50% for an asset and he is getting the huge benefit of a skivvy, maintenance person all the time increasing the value of his asset.

He wants 50/50?
Then split ALL tasks.
If he wants you to do more, he pays more.

For goodness sake do not have a child with him.
He is mean, is 100% looking after number 1.

Your gut is trying to warn you, listen to it.
This definitely should have been discussed beforehand, but lay it all out now.

We own the house jointly, can't remember the official name of that!, but basically if we divorced we would get half each... I assume anyway considering we don't have kids.

It's a difficult one and I get all the different viewpoints.

I think the main issue is the mental load, maybe have that discussion first? From experience that gets far more wearing than money issues.

In regards to money, we have an unequal split. I earn almost 3 times the amount my DH does. We worked out our joint expenses monthly for the house/bills/food/home savings etc and then split it proportionately so we both have our "own" spending money as well.

If our circumstances were to change, one of us changed jobs etc we'd reassess, but for us it's important both of us have some expendable income. Big expenses (new car etc) we look at as part of the household income.

I think if you can comfortably afford 50/50 then that’s the preferred option as long as he doesn’t have some high flying life style that you're expected to keep up with.

When I was married my exh was earning pretty much twice as much as me and made me feel dreadful about not paying 50/50, now I earn a good salary (a lot more then him) and I would never put myself in that position again.

My Parents have been married for over 50 years and everything went in one pot. They always shared everything but things seem to of changed these days.

I agree I think 50:50 is fair to be honest, I’d probably have the children conversation though too see where you’d stand then!

Thank you :) I will be asking about this! In the past he said thats different and he would make up for what I would lose in income and would also always make sure kids needs were covered first. However he also said, before we have kids, if I would earn half of what he did, he would still expect to go 50/50. He is probably still assessing if I’m marriage material or something :’) silly dude

So you want to pay less in mortgage but still get 50% in event if split. I wouldn’t agree that if I was him

Honestly I wouldn’t have bought property with someone who didn’t think I was marrigable. Like: what was the probationary period and what metrics should you be reaching before he deigns give you the accolade?

Spot on