can I force H to leave the house?

[darkchocolates]

married for over 20 years. DC - all have SN, one of which will never be independent and always need 24/7 care. H is financially and emotionally abusive. I don't wanna go into the details but he is not a nice person.
He earns well. I earn a lot less as I can only work reduced hours as I am the primary carer for our DC. I provide about 70-80h care for them on top. He has next to no involvement and does provide zero practical support. he also is refusing to share his income now leaving me struggling to pay the bills from my part time pay (and PIP and child benefit). I want him to leave but he is refusing. He claims I will not get rh house in case of a divorce as he paid in a lot more to the mortgage (we are mortgage free). he expects me and the DC to move out. We have no family and friends and nowhere to go and my salary is too low to pass the affordability treshold. Plus it's a nice house and the DC's home. He just needs a man cave. Why should he have the house?

I haven't seen a solicitor yet but just wanted to get a rough idea what would happen if I file for divorce. DC are 15 and 17. Older one will never fly the nest as severely disabled. There is a good chance that the younger one will be able to become independent at some point. Younger DC's mental health is very poor right now also largely due to H. I need him gone. How can I achieve this quickest if he is refusing to leave?

yes - his current pension pot, which given his job and approx age is likely to be around a similar value to their home. I’m not factoring in his future pension.

and it’s very common for people to give up their claim on the pension in exchange for a lump sum or an equivalent share of house.

I know this because I’ve recently been through a divorce where I was the main breadwinner, so I’m very aware of what he has to lose.

it is a long marriage. She has taken in the burden of caring for their three children.

This is exactly the type of marriage where a 50/50 split of assets is fair.

That is not treating him as an ATM. It is their shared assets- even if he was the sole breadwinner.

and it’s a joke saying she’s treating him as an ATM where he won’t pay for his own kids, or the shared bills or take a holiday.

you are massively over simplifying things, 50/50 is probably not fair- the OP should probably get more assets now as cash as she will need it now not later as a pension , it’s more likely the H would seek to offset his pension as he can still earn more money to make up the short fall.

so claiming the OP will get 70 % the assets and 50% of his current pension pot is just not true

The only advice I can give is to gather all the info that you need and generally 'get your ducks in a row' well before he finds out that you are starting divorce proceedings.

Stop paying those bills and use your money& savings to pay a solicitor.

You have quite a niche case and need specialist advice.

Sadly no you can’t force someone to parent. Many men walk away and it doesn’t sound like he’s overly involved. You are in a very difficult position but a judge would look at everything involved and they can award a lot more than 50-50

no need to mansplain.

its not over simplifying at all. His CETV for his pension gives a number. CETV means cash equivalent value. For a professional in middle age, it will be £££s. This is the figure used to determine the value of the pension as a marital asset. ( though yes - the amount this pension yields is variable )

I’m not saying she will definitely get this- no one would suggest that, because as a solicitor will tell you, it’s very difficult to predict what a judge will decide.

and yes - it’s not automatic 50% of pension. But here’s what judges look at when making a financial settlement:

the needs of the children - including the costs of providing a stable home and upbringing.

the length of the marriage

the matrimonial assets ( home, pension pots of both parties, savings, potential inheritance)

Here’s what the OP has explained so far that put her in a position to get a settlement which would equate to no less than 50 per cent of assets, but possibly more:

This is a long marriage ( indicated by teenage children)
she provides 100 per cent of childcare.
she has a child with a disability, of which she is main carer.

I know of several women who are the lower earners who have got 70% of house because they are the resident parent.

as for pension - when people talk about claiming a share of the pension, they don’t mean waiting till he’s retired and getting him to give half. They are talking about him paying a cash value to her now that is equivalent to a share of that pension.

And to be clear, I haven’t claimed anything. Don’t put words into my mouth so you can contradict them.

@Fs365 but I’m interested in what you think would be a fair share of pension? And your reasoning

If he’s got a public sector pension there will no hiding that, very easy to find out what his projected pension will be. The sooner you file for divorce the better. He may well be willing to trade the house for not touching his pension or at least a much higher share to you. Given he’s hardly paying for anything he must have a decent amount of savings which you’d be entitled to your share also.

there are your exact words , not mine, yours, don’t worry I’m won’t wait for your apology because your horse is so high I won’t hear it.

you have also forgotten that she is entitled to half the pension, which is likely to be around the same price as the home.

70% of home ( a common amount given to resident parent) + 50% of pension is a lot of money.

@darkchocolates I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned but financial abuse which you are definitely suffering is a criminal offence. You need to talk to the police, speak to women's aid and get some support but you do need police input in this situation. Month long holidays leaving you with no access to money should be easy to evidence.

For those mentioning spousal etc the husband is possibly only earning 50, 60k so not in the realms of spousal and maintenance will not last much longer either.

Sadly you can't force a parent who refuses to care for and nurture their DC to make them. It sounds as if you do all the caring and nurturing in your home. Go and see a solicitor but do tell them eldest child is severely disabled and will never be able to live independently. A judge starts off 50/50 on equity in the house but if you are caring for a severely disabled child of marriage and other disabled DC too judge may well award you far more than half. Maybe even up to 70 percent. If he refused to care for his DC he'd have to pay you child support maintenance for them. Not for eldest one if over 18. Could you buy the house if you only had to pay 30 percent equity and got child support paid to you by stbxh? Maybe your eldest DC could contribute some of his PIP if it gave him a familiar and stable home.

You'd get half his pension and maybe you could trade that against equity in house.

A court order can state Dad to have DC for contact X amount of time he agrees to but then state if this should change and Dad not having X contact them Z amount becomes payable to parent caring for DC. I got that in my settlement. The solicitor can state to judge Mum does not believe Dad will keep up contact and wants a contingency put in place. That's what my solicitor did for me. In the end Dad did keep up contact with youngest but not elder DS.