can I force H to leave the house?

[darkchocolates]

married for over 20 years. DC - all have SN, one of which will never be independent and always need 24/7 care. H is financially and emotionally abusive. I don't wanna go into the details but he is not a nice person.
He earns well. I earn a lot less as I can only work reduced hours as I am the primary carer for our DC. I provide about 70-80h care for them on top. He has next to no involvement and does provide zero practical support. he also is refusing to share his income now leaving me struggling to pay the bills from my part time pay (and PIP and child benefit). I want him to leave but he is refusing. He claims I will not get rh house in case of a divorce as he paid in a lot more to the mortgage (we are mortgage free). he expects me and the DC to move out. We have no family and friends and nowhere to go and my salary is too low to pass the affordability treshold. Plus it's a nice house and the DC's home. He just needs a man cave. Why should he have the house?

I haven't seen a solicitor yet but just wanted to get a rough idea what would happen if I file for divorce. DC are 15 and 17. Older one will never fly the nest as severely disabled. There is a good chance that the younger one will be able to become independent at some point. Younger DC's mental health is very poor right now also largely due to H. I need him gone. How can I achieve this quickest if he is refusing to leave?

Assuming the house is granted 50/50 plus you get half his pension and half any savings . Would you be able to buy him out.? A smallish mortgage would be cheaper than renting? Or use that to buy a cheaper property. ?

Is there anyone that would be willing to guarantee your mortgage?

You should qualify for legal aid if you are a low earner

Plus you will get maintenance

And stop paying all the bills.

You are both jointly responsible so he will get in the shit too. The courts will eventually settle this if he's so bloody minded and he will be forced to pay more.

would I commit a crime if I move out and leave H and the DC. I am not very well and completely worn down by caring/working/his games. Every weekend he disappears so I cannot even leave the house on my own (DC cannot ve left unsupervised). It's relentless and I am at breaking point. I wonder sometimes if the DC are better off with him. He takes regular long solo holiday (DC and I are never allowed to come along as I cannot afford to pay for myself and the DC) pand has all weekends to himself. At least he is will rested and full of energy.

@darkchocolates Ok, I think you would be able to trade off the pension for at least the house. £400 a month is £4800 a year. Depends on the scheme but a 10% contribution rate is a ballpark average here. You are right to say the employer also contributes a hefty amount. Over 20 years, and even allowing for lower wages to begin etc, this will worth a lot more than 200k. How much more, I can’t say without a lot more detail. However, I would be surprised if you didn’t also get a share of pension too. Plus half of the total amount of all savings, yours and his, etc.

Can you function separately? Own bedroom? Cook for yourself and the dc. Laundry for you and dc only. Seek legal advice and advise you want to be legally classed as separated. You can claim UC for yourself and the dc..

@darkchocolates That wouldn’t be a crime. If you just left, just like a lot of men do, he would either have to step up, get carers, or, potentially, relinquish the older DC to the care system. I was going to ask if you would consider this as an option as you sound as if you have no quality of life at all.

His pension pot could easily be worth more than the house. You will be entitled to half of it.

i could see you getting the house in exchange for him keeping his pension. That’s even with 50/50.

If his pension is - for example- 200k and your home is 200k. The matrimonial pot is 400k. You been together a long time and it is very clear that your contribution to this was looking after 3 kids -
with at least one with additional needs.

Id say you could get the house outright plus spousal maintenance payments - you are the care for disabled child. And there is a big disparity in your wages.

how much does he earn? Am guessing you’re in a relatively inexpensive area. If he’s well paid he could easily buy a comparative home and take out a big mortgage.

True. Although I'm not sure how much it would help her case if she wants to keep the house. People on here always advise not to leave the house in a separation as it makes the resident parent look like, well, the parent who'll get the residence.

I do wonder if the DC are better off in care. I have nothing left up give. He just had a month long holiday in the Mediterranean when he left us alone and without money over the summer. That is the ring of vile man he is. he cannot look after the DC but I don't think I can carry on either.

No, he cannot be currently forced out of the house.

Don’t do this.

you’re exhausted and worn down by years of abuse.

I was like this and felt like walking away. But so glad I didn’t.

you love your kids and would regret it forever.

speak to women’s aid for support. This is emotional and financial abuse. They may know of solicitors who can help you for little or low fee. And as you are victims of abuse, qualify for legal aid.

Keep going a little longer. There will be a future for you which means you can stay in your home and have time to yourself.

id say you could get 100% of house - even with him doing 50/50 childcare.

Get a solicitor - and pay for one. The cost is nothing in grand scheme of things.

@darkchocolates You have my fullest sympathy. You sound totally burnt out. I hope you are reassured now from a financial viewpoint. Even if it’s you who leaves, you would still have an initial starting point of 50:50 (although it would be possible for a judge to award a slightly higher proportion to him if you are the leaver but you would still have a good share of assets). Could you perhaps contact social services and explain your situation and ask what the options might be?

You sound depressed OP. As a result of horrible financial abuse.

you can look after you kids. And you will thrive doing it after divorce.

please contact women’s aid. Tell them exactly what you have written here. They will understand and help you.

you might not feel like it now, but believe me, from what you have written here, you are in a very strong position. You H is a fool for thinking he’d get the house ‘because he paid for it’. He’s in for a very nasty shock.

don’t say anything to him about your plans until you have spoke to women’s aid and then a solicitor.

can you make contact with women’s aid today?

No you can't unfortunately.

That's a mesher order and they're extremely rare. Unlikely unless one of the marital parties is a millionaire.

I’m sorry OP, this is a really difficult situation.

Ultimately you can’t force him to leave, and if you ask him to leave and he agrees to then he can stop paying towards the house as only pay you the CMS amount each month, so it sounds like you wouldn’t be able to afford the payments so you would default and lose the house anyway.

You also can’t force him to do 50/50, in fact you can’t even force him to do 1 overnight a month, or any time at all. The system is massively flawed in that dad’s really can walk away from family life completely and as long as they pay the CMS required amount, nothing can be done.

So he’s (always?) believed that you’re responsible for paying all of the children’s costs? Not him?

How long has this shit been going on for?!

too long. it ramped up slowly over the years. We have e.g. never been on a proper holiday together (apart from a few days in the UK - he usually goes alone). I always managed to muddle threw with DLA/Pip and part time me work but I don't know what happened. I suddenly don't cope anymore.

he occasionally bought things for the DC but 80-90% of the costs falls on me. He just wouldn't buy a school uniform. He refuses to pay dinner money, he is refusing to pay their mobile phone bill etc. I just pay as I don't want the DC to go without. The only thing he buys occasionally is food (supermarket) and gas/electric. nothing else.

If you left dc with that twat I guarantee he will claim cms off you... And does he have family he could dump the dc with while he worked?

I’m not surprised. Get the abuse recorded and take the absolute thundercunt for everything you can.

no, his family all have no contact with the DC. Is a family of high achievers and my disabled brood doesn't fit the mould. I think they find them too hard work and too embarrassing. I really don't know. they want nothing to do with them... they really wouldn't help.

I really would not advise leaving the children with him. I appreciate you are exhausted and run down but it doesn’t sound as though he would bat an eye lid about just walking away and leaving them alone, and from what you’ve said about their needs that would be a disaster for them.

Are there any services or organisations that can help you get some respite, OP? Sounds like you need some time for you.