can I force H to leave the house?

[darkchocolates]

married for over 20 years. DC - all have SN, one of which will never be independent and always need 24/7 care. H is financially and emotionally abusive. I don't wanna go into the details but he is not a nice person.
He earns well. I earn a lot less as I can only work reduced hours as I am the primary carer for our DC. I provide about 70-80h care for them on top. He has next to no involvement and does provide zero practical support. he also is refusing to share his income now leaving me struggling to pay the bills from my part time pay (and PIP and child benefit). I want him to leave but he is refusing. He claims I will not get rh house in case of a divorce as he paid in a lot more to the mortgage (we are mortgage free). he expects me and the DC to move out. We have no family and friends and nowhere to go and my salary is too low to pass the affordability treshold. Plus it's a nice house and the DC's home. He just needs a man cave. Why should he have the house?

I haven't seen a solicitor yet but just wanted to get a rough idea what would happen if I file for divorce. DC are 15 and 17. Older one will never fly the nest as severely disabled. There is a good chance that the younger one will be able to become independent at some point. Younger DC's mental health is very poor right now also largely due to H. I need him gone. How can I achieve this quickest if he is refusing to leave?

He’s vile OP. He’s trying to manipulate and intimidate you by feeding you a pack of lies. I’m so pleased you’ve reached out to MN and all the women who have trod this path before you. I haven’t been in your position but many have and are in a much better emotional and financial position after their divorce.

we got after years of fight and a huge breakdown finally some respite. but it's only 6h per month in total and does not make a huge difference and it's for the oldest only. nothing for the younger one. Took years to get that in place. I don't have energy to fight for more.

The more you say, you more I can see how much better your life will be post divorce.

He will have to pay you ( at least) half of matrimonial assets. He will have to pay maintenance for the kids.

you will be able to take a break post divorce because he will either take the kids off your hands at least one day a week. If he abandons them, then you are in a stronger financial position with the settlement.

if he won’t take the kids, then you quit the job and get more money from him. That will focus his mind on being a ‘better’ dad

Some of this is bad and incorrect advice.

There’s absolutely no guarantee he will take the kids ever, nevermind one day a week. You would hope as their dad he would want to, but he doesn’t have to and OP cannot force him to.

He could agree to 1 day a week when they divorce and actually days later when finalised could change his mind.

If OP quits her job, she will not get more money from him. Once separated ALL he legally has to pay her is the CMS amount, that is the case even if she quits her job.

I would be taking a weekend off at least. Put it in writing via a text or something. Make it clear you haven’t had a break for too long while he has had a month holiday plus every weekend. You will be leaving on Friday night and back Sunday afternoon. Then go. spend the time getting your head clear and putting a plan together then act on it.

It would be astounding if half his pension didn’t cover half the house.

I also think you need to get proper legal advice. It can be paid for from your settlement.

It is not bad or incorrect. Your post, however, is wrong and incorrect on many levels.

this is why my first piece of advice to OP is get a solicitor.

the truth is the system is notoriously bad to predict. Even solicitors aren’t sure how a judge will decide to divide assets.

I am specifically referring to divorce negotiations. You are right he can’t be forced to take the kids- but when he realises it weakens his financial position, he may fight for that. So OP has to prepare for a number of scenarios- either way she can negotiate to make sure she has some respite.

as they are married, she has a lot of financial protection. And so do the children of the marriage.

scenario 1- he doesn’t want the kids at all. Great: OP can negotiate and obtain through courts a very favourable financial settlement. She could even ask for a lump sum up front to cover costs until the kids are 18. This can factor in costs like share of childcare to enable her to work/ take time off.

scenario 2- he gets wise to court system and realises that if he asks for kids more, he might get a bigger share. this is also positive for OP, as he will have to take the kids on set days agreed in a court order.

the key thing is the OP needs a court order for both children and financial agreement. These court orders are enforceable. And OP can speak to a solicitor who will tell her how to cover the possibility he will claim he wants 50/50 then walk away. A good solicitor will be wise to this tactic and work out a method of protecting OP.

OP - there’s a lot to take in on this thread, but here is a list of the things you need to do now, and Monday:

• contact Women’s aid for advice and support.
• call your GP and make an appointment. I think you are depressed and they can also refer you to domestic abuse support ( this is financial abuse)
• contact a solicitor.
• don’t move out of the house. Ignore his intimidation. Sounds like he is away most of the time.
• remember you are in a strong financial position. And you will be so much more comfortable after divorce.

Again, incorrect. He can agree to the contact, get a court order, and then just not bother to turn up for contact.

The reality is these court orders are not worth the paper they are written on if he doesn’t want to bother having that contact. A court never enforces contact if dad decides he doesn’t want it, even if court order states contact, because it is not considered in a child’s best interest to force a parent to maintain contact which they do not want.

Hence why I said the whole system is flawed in that it makes it incredibly easy for dad’s to just walk away and leave their kids with their mother, as long as he pays the CMS amount each month there is not a single thing a court can or would do to force him to have those kids if he doesn’t want to.

I support women through this process in my current role, there is absolutely no way of forcing a dad to have them, even if a court order is in place.

Have you made any financial provision for your disabled children for the future set up a trust spoken with mencap or scope about how they can be provided for after you and husband are gone? Do they have any social worker or family services involved?

realistically would you be happy for your husband to look after your children given he has little to do with them and is emotionally abusive to you. My son is very high needs and will never live independently. I know anything outside of his routine he is aggressive and needs even more supervision because he is so disregulated by
the change. Do you think your husband would support your children through this change.

I can really empathise with wanting to leave and feeling burnt out I only have one child and he is younger than yours you must be absolutely broken and shattered but leaving your dc will only make you feel worse in the long run.

if your children go to a special school speak to someone there about your situation they may be able to signpost you to the relevant services at your local council or they may know of a charity/solicitor that can give you advise on your housing situation given that you are the primary carer and your children’s needs.

Are you really serious?!. How would he have earned the money to pay for it if he was taking care of the children half the time?!!!

So sorry about this dear. Can you get support from social services. Have you got a carer?

There is no mortgage and all he pays is electricity and gas. Cos would probably cover that and she would get benefits

Are you really serious?!. How would he have earned the money to pay for it if he was taking care of the children half the time?!!!

I don't see her disputing the OP's contribution. Just saying that doesn't give her grounds to force him out of his home.

And as I said, the OP can ask advice from a solicitor on how to cover off that eventuality. I am talking about negotiating a divorce settlement. Let’s face it, it’s pretty likely he will abandon the kids.

If I were OP I’d be arguing in court that him having the kids is not in their best interests (it’s not). And the financial order needs to reflect the children will be with their mother full time with their father having access for visits. ( lives with mother/spends time with dad)

i have a court order in place for parenting and agree they are pretty worthless, except for the fact that she can go back to court to vary the court order. The financial order can be written in a way that he is required to increase the financial settlement should the parenting split change. However - I think OP should go down route of resident parent. She’d get it and let’s face it, it’s what’s going to happen.

but as you’ve pointed out, while you support women in this situation ( as do I) neither of us are solicitors and they are the ones who can best advise.

the important thing is she needs to know she is in a strong position to have her home, her kids AND time for herself ( but by being able to afford paid care- not relying on ex)

^^ this is absolutely terrible advice, possibly from someone in the US.

you won’t get more money from quitting your job, you will be expected to max your income where possible
he will have to pay child support if not going for 50/50 child care ( sounds like he won’t), you might get more than 50% of the assets, if you get to say in the house- then you have to now foot all the bills , you might get a percentage of his pension, or trade that for more assets.

when divorced - you have no access to his income- this is not the US

This is a very weird thread and surprisingly antagonistic to the OP. OP, you have been dealt a very bad hand and I am so sorry.

You can prove that you have given up your career to care for disabled DC, that he is financially abusive, regularly leaving you with nothing not even the cost of school uniforms without sometimes dipping into your savings, going on holiday for a month and not caring for DC at all in that time. You have no access to family funds. People saying "oh poor man you can't take his hoooome away" are barking up the wrong tree.

I echo those who say you need both women's aid and a solicitor who is very good at dealing with slippery twats and knows disability law. There are some disability specific advocates who could be useful here too - not to know about divorce particularly but what is different when it comes to DC who can't live independently.

Exactly this. I don't see the moral case for forcing someone out of his home just because the wife wants a divorce. He has as much right to leave there as she, and ultimately they'll need to come to some kind of agreement or compromise. My advice is to be as amicable as possible, as that's the route with least stress.

Honestly don't think this thread is antagonist or that anyone is unsympathetic to the OP's situation nor saying her husband is a poor man. It's not antagonistic to be realistic that this is the marital home and OP is not under threat in any way so can't legally get her husband out and need to seek legal advice and get things moving to sort this through a divorce. Absolutely she should talk to Women's Aid and get all the support possible, and needs respite of whatever kind she can get. But he paid the house and is paying some bills so even though he's being completely, wilfully useless with the DC, she's not got levers to get him to leave unless he wants to. However as PPs say, if she can make a case for them being separated while still living under one roof, she could increase her UC and use it to cover the bills and potentially get help with the DC so she can take a breath and move forward.

Details of what is means to be separated but still living in the same house to claim UC.
You don't have to meet every single condition but I can see already that you meet many of them. I can’t imagine that you wouldn’t qualify as others have said.
https://cpag.org.uk/welfare-rights/key-topics/survivors-domestic-abuse/separated-living-same-property

Also the title is a bit misleading on that link. It is the same for non domestic abuse as well.

Also you should be able to get legal aid as there is financial abuse.

From the law society webpages
Many solicitors charge a flat fee to complete a divorce, but this depends on the case. Your solicitor will give you an estimate of the total cost before you decide to hire them.
Legal aid is no longer available for most divorce cases, unless there are concerns of domestic abuse or violence. It’s still available for mediation.

England and Wales
Legal aid is no longer available to pay the legal costs of divorce or dissolution unless there’s been:
domestic abuse (including financial abuse)
violence, or
child abduction.
But you can apply for legal aid to pay for mediation – although this is means-tested.

You would have to pay back after you get your financial settlement but at least you wouldn’t have to find the money now. Or as PPs have said, some solicitors will agree to be paid from the financial settlement. Either way, there are routes to take that don’t involve money out now.

That is bollocks - there is such a thing as spousal maintenance. It is rare, but can be awarded if there’s a big discrepancy in earnings.

I never said she has access to his income, but the court will make a decision on the final financial settlement based on his current and expected earnings. Why is that so difficult for some posters to comprehend?

A judge looks at each sides capacity to mortgage in looking at how to divide the assets. The objective being to provide a stable situation for the children. ( I know this because I’ve been through a divorce and your earnings are looked at when deciding how to divide up the final sum- we are not talking about post divorce, or unmarried couples!)

and I’ll repeat it again. Unless you are a solicitor, you don’t know what advice is good or bad.

@Fs365 you have also forgotten that she is entitled to half the pension, which is likely to be around the same price as the home.

70% of home ( a common amount given to resident parent) + 50% of pension is a lot of money.

She is not automatically entitled to 1/2 of his pension, that is a common misconception, she will be entitled to a portion of the pension while married, pension laws are very complicated and she will probably get a % of his pension ( accumulated during the marriage, not after ), at retirement not as cash sum.

plus he might offer more cash now as alternative to less pension,in the future plus he could easily argue that he if wants his kids every other weekend ( a quite common ask ), he will also need a suitable accommodation etc etc ,

he is not an ATM and a financial agreement should / should treat him as such

and I’ll repeat it again. Unless you are a solicitor, you don’t know what advice is good or bad.

^^ I would agree with this , your advice is terrible