Got myself in a right mess - nice guy vs former affair partner

[Pomped]

Please be kind because I am already aware that I have done things I shouldn’t. My self esteem is so low and I think it’s one of the reasons I find myself in this predicament.

Ok so the situation:
I had a long but mostly unhappy marriage and I’m not proud of this but for a year I had an affair with a married man. During that time it felt like he had all the control and would pick and drop me as he pleased. However the good times weren’t just good. They were wonderful. But I knew full well I was doing wrong so I ended both my marriage (I didn’t disclose the affair though) and the relationship with the married man.

I fully intended on being single and prioritising myself, I am a huge people pleaser and am not where I want to be in life because of it. After only a couple of months of being single, I agreed to go on a date with a friend of a friend. I thought a drink wouldn’t do any harm and encouraged by friends to get back out there. We hit it off and 6 months later - I’m in a pretty serious relationship although I don’t feel it’s ‘soulmate’ territory. He had also come out of a long term relationship (not marriage) and I feel as if we have too easily settled in to coupledom, I am trying to ensure I have my own time and interests but having been treated badly in the past, I’m a sucker for romance I guess and this guy is making all the effort.

After a fairly long period of no contact with the married man, out of the blue he turned up at my door proclaiming his love for me and that he is now ‘ready’ to leave his wife. Audaciously, he has assumed that I’ve just waited in some kind of suspended animation rather than move on with my own life. When I filed for
divorce I did so because that relationship had failed. It wasn’t an ultimatum to him but if anything he distanced himself from me in the weeks after and having gone through the pain of dismantling married life, I ended things with the married man. He protested and wanted me to ‘be patient’ and not throw away what we had. I will always see that relationship as tainted because we were both married. But the chemistry and connection in every aspect was amazing and when compared to my new relationship, sadly the nice guy just can’t compare.

i haven’t found the courage to tell married man about my new relationship. I know i should, but if im not sure it will continue i just don’t want the grief i will get and feel it would stop Any prospect of us being together in the future. Nice guy has no idea about married man/our history and I feel so dismayed that I’ve got myself into this position.

Having had the courage to end a marriage that was toxic i can’t believe I’ve allowed this to happen.

I know for certain that married man is in the process of separating (heard through a friend of a friend who knows nothing of the history) - my view is he should be doing that because it’s right for him, not because he is leaving her for me, when I have moved on with my own life!

I probably should end things with them both, shouldnt I? Any words of advice?

Married man is just on the rebound, I bet his wife found out about his affairs - you're probably not his only one.
He can wait if it's love he feels. Tell him to sort his shit out first and ask you once the ink is dry on his decree absolute, no contacttill then. That should give you enough time to clear your head and sort your life out.
Nice man, well, do you have chemistry there at all? Is the sex good enough? There is a balance to be had, the best sex of your life is not enough on its own if you're also not treated right. Also, if it was that great currently, you would not be leaving the door ajar and would of been up front about him.
You know the answer, end it with current nice man, take time out for yourself as 2 months is way too soon. Ignore your friends on the matter and just tell them and nice man that you need time on your own, it's understandable.
I'd be sceptical that married man feels love, but you can test that if you want by doing the above, should take him at least a year to get divorced, you need at least that length of independence.

I won't be mean but I will be frank.
Yes, end things with both. You are lying by omission to your current partner and your "soulmate" is being dishonest and manipulative with you. He was using you before and wants to try using you again because you made it so easy and fun for him. That's the ugly reality. The reason it felt amazing is because of the thrill of the illicit and his love-bombing bullshit. He's really just a garden variety player. He knows how to schmooze women into his bed. He built up a fantasy and you bought into it. Now he's at it again.

You need a wake up call as you seem to have unrealistic, romance novel type notions about what love is. It doesn't spring from lies and betrayal. You are now on the verge of betraying your new partner with this other creep. Just stop right there. Face reality and do what you need to do to become more emotionally mature before getting into any relationship.

Sometimes you need to be severely hurt to learn the lesson. You weren't caught cheating you walked, so that's not really happened. He's now got you undermining a new partner and pre planning a potential happy ever after-all! Turning up at your home isn't romantic or manly, it's the corny, entitled behavior of a cheating twat. I'm not roasting you, you're trying to move on and he's dragging you backwards. He's the tainted past.

Anyway go for iit. .Dump "nice guy" and wait for Mr Excitement to finally give you his full attention, see how it goes. You'll be sorry in the end of course but I do understand, he's not out of your system...yet.

"Turning up at your home isn't romantic or manly, it's the corny, entitled behavior of a cheating twat."

So much this. She needs to see this man for who he really is.

I know for certain that married man is in the process of separating (heard through a friend of a friend who knows nothing of the history) - my view is he should be doing that because it’s right for him, not because he is leaving her for me, when I have moved on with my own life!

You don't know why he's leaving his wife, or if it's even him that's leaving her, she could have initiated it.
The grand gesture showing up making out he's leaving his wife for you could be all a load of shit, please remember that you know that this man is very capable of lying, you've also had 'wonderful' times with him and then he drops you when it suits him.

He could be just bored and lonely or trying to get through the break up so he thought it would be easy to just fall back into bed with you.

Tell married man you aren't ready for anything with him now. If he complains, tell him to "be patient".

This. This is the brutal reality of your situation OP. Be kind to yourself and get this man out of your system once and for all so that you can move on and find happiness with someone else.

You owe married man the sum of fuck all.dont be the bit on the side and all that entails.

The roller coaster you described with the married man makes me think he is a narcissist, and you being a people pleaser makes me suspect you attract narcissists. Get some therapy to avoid ending up with a narcissist, otherwise it will be another decade of misery

I agree with Xchrome.

Your post has also highlighted one of the reasons why I couldn’t cheat on a spouse. If you eventually split with your spouse after cheating you are in a tricky position.

a) Do you tell your new partner that you chose to cheat during your marriage? Thus demonstrating you are prepared to be a liar and break the promises you willingly made in front of friends and family.

b) Or do you start your new relationship as a liar and not allow your new partner to make an informed decision as to whether to get attached to a person who is prepared to cheat and overstep boundaries?

You are already CHOOSING to overstep (unspoken) boundaries by communicating with this cheating married man. Had your new boyfriend been made aware that you have a ‘but’ in your fidelity maybe he could have spent these past months single or dating someone else with values that align with his.

A but in your fidelity means ‘I believe in monogamy but not if me and my husband aren’t getting on’ or ‘I believe in fidelity but not if my husband, family and future partners will never find out’ or ‘I believe in fidelity but not if my AP will keep quiet and my reputation as a faithful person will remain intact’. Or ‘I believe in fidelity but it’s okay to lie about speaking to my ex AP about maybe starting our relationship again because my new boyfriend isn’t soul mate material’

The fact you are still lying to your new boyfriend shows that YOU are okay with cheating (as long as no one knows about it). I believe that cheating is all on the cheater.

You say you’re now pretty serious and he makes lots of effort yet presumably he knows nothing about this other man and he would be upset if he found out about any contact/texts/conversations etc that you are having with him?

I think you are still blaming YOUR choice to cross boundaries on other people - this is nonsense. Bad relationship okay to cheat. Nice bloke who puts in effort but isn’t a soul mate - okay to push my boundaries and open my windows to him (a reference to walls and windows by Glass).

It is worth you reading Not Just Friend by Glass. Look at the sections on walls and windows as a start.

My advice would be drop them both and work on yourself.

You mention that you are a people pleaser. What exactly do you mean by that? Also is being a people pleaser really a selfish trait? (It blew my mind the first time someone suggested this to me). Are you prepared to put yourself in a position where you will feel uncomfortable? Or do you say what people want to hear so you don’t have to have uncomfy feelings within you? Are you unhappy being the bad guy so you do what you can to avoid it? Not everyone can like you - that’s okay and normal. How would you feel if people found out you are a cheat? What is really stopping you telling ex AP a known liar that you are in a relationship? You say you have low self esteem surely betraying your values (assuming you do believe in monogamy?) doesnt help with that?

I think you recognise where you need to do work- you mention people pleasing, low self esteem but are you looking for a man to solve it for you? You need to fix you and then when you know your values and desires you can find a partner whose values align.

Sorry too many questions - don’t feel you have to write down the answers on here.

Good luck op but do some searching into your own thoughts and beliefs (your soul maybe) before committing to someone.

How dare MM just turn up and try and pick up again with his easy shag! ‘Ready’ to leave his wife. I bet he is.
MM needs to sort himself out. If you let him monkey branch straight to you then shame on you for your low standards.
You will never be decent to nice guy so do him a favour and end it.
Are you even capable of being without a man? Do some hard thinking before you mess other people around again. Stop blaming other people for your choices.

I cannot over emphasise how good this advice is! Please take it, it should be printed on tea towels and public information leaflets.

Eh, easy shag? Shame on you? Fuck me… that’s horrible! Absolutely horrible! You can give someone a harsh truth without being nasty.

Brutal but accurate

Find out if MM’s wife dumped him before making any decisions. Do you want to be the next best option because he’s had his hand forced?

it might be different if he’d ended it and not approached you in such an entitled and presumptuous way. But he sounds like a twat.

neither men sound right for you so I would take some time on your own.

I think you haven’t allowed this new guy a proper chance because you’ve been hung up on the married man. I would also hazard a guess that you only think it’s so great with him because it’s been exciting and ‘wrong’. I bet if it was just you and him and mundane life you’d be bored. I don’t think there’s much point advising you because you’ll clearly mess around with the married man again otherwise you wouldn’t be posting. It will come to a shite end though and while he will have time to move on as men always do, you’ll end up on the shelf.

Stay away from MM....
You've never dared him, lived with him , picked up his dirty socks...
I'm going against the grain...stay with Mr nice.
Do fun stuff, enjoy the romancing...it's not wrong to like that stuff.
He doesn't have to be Mr right ...he can be Mr right now...
Mn seems to love people being single and working on themselves...I often wonder what does that mean exactly?
You have your own place, you are maintaining your own interests, hobbies,friends, you go to work ??...and you have a nice boyfriend for romance, dates etc...
Sounds lovely and nice! There is nothing wrong with nice.
Tell mm to go away and leave you alone...unless he is divorced, has his own place and then he can ask you out properly and you can then decide...bet you anything you won't see him again

Married man - you lose them how you find them! Be prepared to be cheated on by him when you finally get together….if you do!’he just doesn’t want to be on his own when he finally splits with his wife and you’re an easy option. If he wanted to be with you he would have left her back then. No excuses!
he is a cheat and to be fair, so are you, so maybe you do belong together…who knows.

I found myself in a similar position and had been holding onto the possibility of something with someone who said he wanted to leave his partner but didn’t, and I knew I couldn’t just be waiting in the wings so ended it (I was single at the time).

met lovely new guy, it was a much more grown up relationship, not love bomby, not so intense, not so many fireworks. I think I was comparing him to the first guy for a long time. I ended it after 10 months, coincidentally first guy had been in touch on and off and had finally told his partner he was leaving and he was flat hunting. Told myself it wasn’t to do with that but of course it was a factor.

anyway, quickly realised I’d made a huge mistake. New guy is loyal, got integrity, would never cheat, and what we have runs deep and has been more of a slow burn. It’s also got an amazing foundation of friendship which I didn’t have with the other person since we’d never been able to spend long together in person and it was so much about the physical chemistry.

missed new guy more than I thought I would and couldn’t stop crying, he was also more upset than he or I thought he’d be and he was more open and direct about his feelings. We had lots of chats and got back together and it feels amazing. I feel emotionally very safe with him. Have finally realised he’s worth 100 x the other guy and have finally drawn a line under it and seen what it was.

acknowledge that at the time what you had with your AP was nice (albeit wrong) and he probably helped you realise you needed to leave your marriage. But don’t go back and throw away a good ‘un as they’re not easy to come by.

Always go with the nice man.

The man you’re currently dating has treated you well, whereas you’ve lied to him about your situation (feelings for an ex - affair partner) and as things stand are also not that into him. It’d be decent to tell him the truth, which will end that relationship.

It won’t benefit you to have any further contact with your ex affair partner. He is not a ‘soulmate’, he’s treated his wife and you badly and ‘chemistry’ won’t make it work. Any contact with him is simply self sabotage.

Being single would be better, to work on your own problems and reflect on past poor choices and how to make better ones.

Why would you tell the affair partner about your new relationship.

He turned up on your door step, you told him you weren’t interested. The conversation ends and that’s it?

Unless you are staying in contact with the affair partner. Or planning to stay in contact. In which case stop stringing along your boyfriend who ‘can’t compare’.

Did you tell your boyfriend your ex turned up on your doorstep?

If the affair partner had suddenly changed his ways he wouldn’t have ambushed you. He wouldn’t have actually separated and divorced. Not ‘I am going to’ or in the process of. He would have done it before trying to contact you. You do realise that on top of being married he also treated you like shit. Him not being married won’t magically make him not wanker.

Sounds like you are simply trying to justify doing this all over again. Keep the boyfriend, test the waters with the affair partner see where it goes then dump the boyfriend if the affair partner seems ok.

It’s not low self esteem that’s making you treat your boyfriend badly.

Be careful of the married man… don’t bother with him until he is divorced. If he truly is into you, he would treat you with respect and ACTIONS are more important than words of romance.

I think the nice guy you should let him go… You need to give your self time to just relax and not spin! You need to know what you want first with clarity.

You can’t have a commited relationship with Affair guy - if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you. Would you ever feel settled with that hanging over you. Bin him off.

Nice guy is not the one for you either. Dump him kindly and spend a year on your own working on your self esteem before you start dating again.

To me this smacks of he’s separating (possibly because his wife has had enough) and so he thinks you will be an easy option. Next he will be trying to move in with you!
Do you really want to be involved in somebody else’s divorce and separation? It’s hardly the best time to be with someone.