Got myself in a right mess - nice guy vs former affair partner

[Pomped]

Please be kind because I am already aware that I have done things I shouldn’t. My self esteem is so low and I think it’s one of the reasons I find myself in this predicament.

Ok so the situation:
I had a long but mostly unhappy marriage and I’m not proud of this but for a year I had an affair with a married man. During that time it felt like he had all the control and would pick and drop me as he pleased. However the good times weren’t just good. They were wonderful. But I knew full well I was doing wrong so I ended both my marriage (I didn’t disclose the affair though) and the relationship with the married man.

I fully intended on being single and prioritising myself, I am a huge people pleaser and am not where I want to be in life because of it. After only a couple of months of being single, I agreed to go on a date with a friend of a friend. I thought a drink wouldn’t do any harm and encouraged by friends to get back out there. We hit it off and 6 months later - I’m in a pretty serious relationship although I don’t feel it’s ‘soulmate’ territory. He had also come out of a long term relationship (not marriage) and I feel as if we have too easily settled in to coupledom, I am trying to ensure I have my own time and interests but having been treated badly in the past, I’m a sucker for romance I guess and this guy is making all the effort.

After a fairly long period of no contact with the married man, out of the blue he turned up at my door proclaiming his love for me and that he is now ‘ready’ to leave his wife. Audaciously, he has assumed that I’ve just waited in some kind of suspended animation rather than move on with my own life. When I filed for
divorce I did so because that relationship had failed. It wasn’t an ultimatum to him but if anything he distanced himself from me in the weeks after and having gone through the pain of dismantling married life, I ended things with the married man. He protested and wanted me to ‘be patient’ and not throw away what we had. I will always see that relationship as tainted because we were both married. But the chemistry and connection in every aspect was amazing and when compared to my new relationship, sadly the nice guy just can’t compare.

i haven’t found the courage to tell married man about my new relationship. I know i should, but if im not sure it will continue i just don’t want the grief i will get and feel it would stop Any prospect of us being together in the future. Nice guy has no idea about married man/our history and I feel so dismayed that I’ve got myself into this position.

Having had the courage to end a marriage that was toxic i can’t believe I’ve allowed this to happen.

I know for certain that married man is in the process of separating (heard through a friend of a friend who knows nothing of the history) - my view is he should be doing that because it’s right for him, not because he is leaving her for me, when I have moved on with my own life!

I probably should end things with them both, shouldnt I? Any words of advice?

I probably should end things with them both

Do you mean you've slept with (separating) MM again?

Anyway;

MM didn't treat you well. He's confirmed his shittiness by - as you've observed yourself : turning up expecting you to have been in suspended animation for him.

The highs etc were because he didn't treat you well.

That's not functional or healthy.

(It gets your emotions, hormones and chemicals going ...but not functional or healthy).

I agree with another poster he's probably a narcissist.

Do not get involved with him again.

I'll bet he'll treat you like shite sooner or later.

Don't go with married man. You will probably only get burnt yourself, perhaps deservedly. Also split up with nice guy. You obviously don't love him and he probably deserves better. Sorry, I have very little time for cheats.

End things with both, or at least don’t give the married guy a chance.

You say your relationship with him was toxic and he had all the control. Your dynamic won’t change. Is that how you want to live your life, with these crazy ups and downs? Your MH will be in pieces. It’s convenient for him to come to you but you think if your long-term well-being. Him going through divorce, his head will be all over the place for years. It’s not a good place to enter a relationship from. If he really loved you, he would have dropped you like that. Think about it.

With the other guy, if it’s a really casual relationship with no expectations on either side, feel free to crack on, but it may not be fair to stick with it.

Maybe you need to be properly single and clear your head. I did this and the outcome was marvellous, it’s like I’m a different person with a much healthier perspective on relationships and beyond.

I'd dump both of them.
The nice guy isn't for you and mm ran for the hills when you left your H.
Why is he separating from his DW, could it be that she's finally found out he's a cheating arsehole?
Do you want to tie yourself up with a cheater?
Do you want to worry that he'll do the same to you as he did to his DW?
You know what they say. . . .
When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy.
Sounds like you deserve better than both of them IMO

Re your new-ish bf, if you e shagged mm again ...tbh I feel you should tell him and let him decide if he wants to keep seeing you.
Because if you didn't end things with him and he thought you two were exclusive, you've essentially cheated on him.

He deserves to know and make the decision whether to keep seeing you or not.

If he does, I would keep seeing him and see how it goes.

You're not being fair or reasonable comparing a relationship with him to an affair with someone who treated you cavalierly.

The normal relationship is not going to have those lows, highlighting the highs. It's not going to have the same "thrills". It's not going to have the same effect on your brain. It's not going to have the illicit angle, or the longing angle, or the wanting something you're apparently not getting angle, or the competing to win him angle, or not feeling "enough" angle etc.

Anyway, do you have or want kids?

That's a major factor too.

Mm should be binned whether you want kids or not.

Nice bf ... If he's willing to keep seeing you, he sounds like a good partner and potential coparent.

You say your relationship with him was toxic and he had all the control. Your dynamic won’t change.

Exactly.

He's also a proven married cheater.

OP is also a proved married cheater.
I think you should dump the nice guy, he deserves better.
Stay single and work on yourself.

You need to ignore your friends and be single. Two months was way too short a time to sort yourself out. Thats why youre focusing on these two men, neither of whom are right for you, instead of working out what you want and getting rid of your people pleasing tendencies. There are literally millions of men. Choose yourself, then set about choosing one who's available, if that's what you want. It's not compulsory.

I wonder if op will reply to this. I suspect she has.

During that time it felt like he had all the control and would pick and drop me as he pleased. ........However the good times weren’t just good. They were wonderful.

The former is why the good times felt so good, get it?

That's just brain chemistry.

Intentionally or not, they are creating pain, anxiety & insecurity, feelings of failure & low value to them....

Then sometimes relieving it.

The relief feels wonderful, of course.

They appear to be high value and worth having due to treating you cavalierly (and not being sure if they want you or not) ..so you're gratified when they appear to want you.

The perception of high status and being worth having, is false though.

He's a cheater.
He treats women he's involved with badly.

He's actually low quality.

Not good partner or parent material.

It’s true though. OP had an affair with him for over a year and ended it because he wasn’t single. Now he says he is, and if that is what OP said when she ended it then that is likely what he thinks. Men rarely leave without somewhere to go, so if he didn’t leave before then it’s likely his wife threw out but he’s giving you the “now we can be together” line.

@HazelPlayer but I'm also curious to learn what 'wonderful times' means in this context. A good shag? Him throwing the crumb of lying to his wife to spend a 'romantic' night away together? The bar must be very low to describe any of the affair as 'wonderful' given that it was also described as on and off

Yes, cheating men train women to be grateful for and delighted by scraps.

Some of them pick their victims so well, the women will spend a lifetime "living" on the crumbs of someone else's relationship & life .. while everyone else has a loaf of bread (their own relationship).

Op if you haven't shagged MM again and choose to keep seeing nice new bf, I wouldn't tell him about your infidelity on your ex partner (with a married man).

It really doesn't reflect well on someone.

Better to learn your lessons from it and conduct yourself with self respect and integrity.

(Btw the fact you're describing the "good" times as wonderful with mr. married cheater and saying they can't compare to your feelings in your current relationship...

Suggests very much that you haven't learned your lessons from it yet.

Those feelings are fool's gold.
Time to see it what it is, read some info on your brain while having an affair, and take the rose tinted glasses off).

so if he didn’t leave before then it’s likely his wife threw out but he’s giving you the “now we can be together” line.

It's very possible.

He just doesn't want to be single/alone, and doesn't want to have to run his own household.
Has he got kids he'll be seeing?

I wonder if his wife has uncovered his affair(s?) and ended the marriage/kicked him out.
These 'out of the blue' declarations of enduring love are normally motivated by need not passion aren't they?

Don't be flattered by the attentions of a man who has already shown himself to be callous and deceitful. He doesn't think you're the prize, he thinks HE is.

As for your current boyfriend...not fair to keep him on as a 'stand in' if you're not feeling it. Let him find someone that prefers him, not someone else.

Ffs op, get some self respect. His wife’s clearly kicked him out and he wants attention. You’re not star crossed lovers, just sleazy cheats

So MM is leaving his wife? Looks like he needs bed and lodgings and a hole to park his dick for a while. Now ask yourself why he turned up at yours?

Remember when a cheater marries his side piece he creates a vacancy for a new side piece. This is your destiny with him - do not kid yourself otherwise.

Finally - it is obvious that you are damaged from your toxic marriage. Until you repair that damage you are destined to repeat the past.

I would say his marriage has broken down for reasons other than his feelings for you.

He didn't leave for you, and he's been happily not in contact with you for a year, if I have that right.

Now he's looking at being single, suddenly his feelings for you are so strong and you just must be together.

Riiight.

He doesn't fancy being alone and thinks you're a fool for him.

He thinks you're a fool for him because you shagged him while he was married.

He thinks you're a fool for him because you took cavalier behaviour from him during the affair and kept seeing & shagging him..

He believes you only ended the affair because he wouldn't leave his wife, not because your feelings for him changed or you didn't want him anymore.

He thinks you still want him and always would. You're too much of an object/sure thing for him to even consider you haven't been waiting on ice, pining and available, for a year with no contact (?)

Getting involved with him again would he beyond stupid.

Totally agree with this! Simplify your life, tell MM to go away and just enjoy being with Mr Nice until you don't enjoy being with him (or can't be without hm)

I'd get rid of both of them, and possibly try to unpack whether you're afraid of commitment and/or can only associate good sex with emotional instability

OP is also a proved married cheater.

She had a partner, I think, not a husband.

We don't know if either of them has kids.

Women often tend to cheat for different reasons than men too. Not reasons that make them serial cheaters.

She also ended her own relationship.

She's not as bad as him.

Op was married when she had the affair.

She is as bad as him.

She was married and so was he. She ended her marriage. So she clearly could. She chose not to.

The fact she now feels she should have told the affair partner about her boyfriends suggest the contact with affair partner has been more than him turning up on the Doré step and her telling him she wasn’t interested.

So she is entertaining attention from the affair partner whist with her boyfriend. And she is keeping dating her boyfriend despite the fact that he just can’t measure up to the cunt of an OM.

Who wants to be with someone who believes they won’t measure up to their ex. Especially while the ex is around declaring undying love.

She isn’t being honest with her boyfriend or the OM.

They are as bad as each other .

Both men and women cheat for different reasons. It’s the individual that makes the difference. Not the sex of the person.

Op was married when she had the affair.

Ah sorry! I don't know how but I thought she had a partner, not a husband when she had the affair.

Having reread the op, yep - married too.

However, all things considered, I still don't think she's as bad as her affair partner.

I'd be interested to know if any kids are involved however.

I'd also wonder whether she's d shagged the mm without ending things with her new bf. If so, she's really not learning any lessons.