Got myself in a right mess - nice guy vs former affair partner

[Pomped]

Please be kind because I am already aware that I have done things I shouldn’t. My self esteem is so low and I think it’s one of the reasons I find myself in this predicament.

Ok so the situation:
I had a long but mostly unhappy marriage and I’m not proud of this but for a year I had an affair with a married man. During that time it felt like he had all the control and would pick and drop me as he pleased. However the good times weren’t just good. They were wonderful. But I knew full well I was doing wrong so I ended both my marriage (I didn’t disclose the affair though) and the relationship with the married man.

I fully intended on being single and prioritising myself, I am a huge people pleaser and am not where I want to be in life because of it. After only a couple of months of being single, I agreed to go on a date with a friend of a friend. I thought a drink wouldn’t do any harm and encouraged by friends to get back out there. We hit it off and 6 months later - I’m in a pretty serious relationship although I don’t feel it’s ‘soulmate’ territory. He had also come out of a long term relationship (not marriage) and I feel as if we have too easily settled in to coupledom, I am trying to ensure I have my own time and interests but having been treated badly in the past, I’m a sucker for romance I guess and this guy is making all the effort.

After a fairly long period of no contact with the married man, out of the blue he turned up at my door proclaiming his love for me and that he is now ‘ready’ to leave his wife. Audaciously, he has assumed that I’ve just waited in some kind of suspended animation rather than move on with my own life. When I filed for
divorce I did so because that relationship had failed. It wasn’t an ultimatum to him but if anything he distanced himself from me in the weeks after and having gone through the pain of dismantling married life, I ended things with the married man. He protested and wanted me to ‘be patient’ and not throw away what we had. I will always see that relationship as tainted because we were both married. But the chemistry and connection in every aspect was amazing and when compared to my new relationship, sadly the nice guy just can’t compare.

i haven’t found the courage to tell married man about my new relationship. I know i should, but if im not sure it will continue i just don’t want the grief i will get and feel it would stop Any prospect of us being together in the future. Nice guy has no idea about married man/our history and I feel so dismayed that I’ve got myself into this position.

Having had the courage to end a marriage that was toxic i can’t believe I’ve allowed this to happen.

I know for certain that married man is in the process of separating (heard through a friend of a friend who knows nothing of the history) - my view is he should be doing that because it’s right for him, not because he is leaving her for me, when I have moved on with my own life!

I probably should end things with them both, shouldnt I? Any words of advice?

Both men and women cheat for different reasons. It’s the individual that makes the difference. Not the sex of the person.

Yes, but there tend to be motivations that differ between the sexes. Men tend to be more predatory for sex ....across the board (affairs and in all other circumstances).

Fewer women cheat to get sex with a different sexual partner, than men - in my experience and observation.

Why are women continously attracted to arseholes over "nice guys"? The way the OP even describes him as "nice guy" is so contemptuous.

Tbh I think the OP liked the thrill of being with a married man. If he is now a "free agent" and she gets with him again, I don't think she'll get the same buzz from it.

Listen from 2:16 to 3:06

The MM doesn't love you, he is just laying the groundwork in case he needs to crash at yours or have a booty call. He isn't leaving his wife for you and once he can officially date he will be like a kid in the sweety shop.
You don't like the nice guy because you love being mistreated, a nice guy is boring to you you're addicted to the drama. You want to suffer, you think that is romantic grand love story to suffer. When it's respectful and straight forward that doesn't give you the angst and punishment you crave. You want the turmoil and you shall have it unless you seriously change your ways.

Your friends suck if they think 2 months post divorce you 'need' to start dating.

But your experience and observation is a tiny amount of people.

Women who cheat are just as bad as men who cheat.

The knots people trying to get themselves in to make women’s actions seem not as bad is ridiculous.

Both were married. Both have now left their partners.

But only one is entertaining the previous affair partner whilst stringing yet another partner along.

So who is worse?

@Pomped

“ · Today 08:08

I think you haven’t allowed this new guy a proper chance because you’ve been hung up on the married man. I would also hazard a guess that you only think it’s so great with him because it’s been exciting and ‘wrong’. I bet if it was just you and him and mundane life you’d be bored. I don’t think there’s much point advising you because you’ll clearly mess around with the married man again otherwise you wouldn’t be posting. It will come to a shite end though and while he will have time to move on as men always do, you’ll end up on the shelf.”

This with bells on. Of course an affair feels terribly thrilling - it’s illicit; you’re not supposed to be together so that adds to the longing and the intensity when you are together. The AP is shiny and new; you’re not going through the daily grind together. I have very limited experience of affairs but this seems self evident to me and it always surprises me that this isn’t obvious.

And, speaking also as a people-pleaser - as a PP mentioned - it really helps to recognise that it’s a selfish trait; it’s a true flaw. It’s about wanting people to like you; it’s about not taking responsibility for your choices. It was a real wake up call to me to realise that in my rush to people-please and be liked, I was often incommoding my DH and DCs - the people who are most important to me in life.

I have also noticed people using low self esteem as an excuse for bad behaviour. Engaging in an affair seems to me to be quite high self esteem behaviour - you’re saying that your needs and wants are more important than anyone else’s and the normal rules about not sleeping with other people when you’re married and/or they’re married don’t apply to you. That’s not low self-esteem talking.

You’ve made lots of excuses for poor behaviour. Of course, married guy who you know is a liar and a cheat is going to tell you he’s left for you. But you know he’s a liar and a cheat. So why do you assume he’s telling the truth? Life is not a romcom.

Not sure if it’s been suggested but you might find Women Who Love Too Much quite helpful.

No judgement from me. I would tell your former affair partner to bugger off. He's just a chancery and you made the right call when you dumped him.

Regarding your boyfriend - do you want to end it? If so, go for it. If you like him and want to carry on seeing him, then tell him it's become far too serious, too quickly and you want to dial things right back and just date lightly. If he doesn't respect your wishes, end the relationship.

I think you need to learn to prioritise your own needs and wishes so you don't keep getting drawn into things that aren't right for you

Thank you (most) for your advice and sometimes tough love, which I can take. I take exception to being called a slag but I’ll leave that there.

I take full responsibility for where I am at and that is why I’ve been so open and in doing so open to criticism

MM is a dud op.

Nice guy is the one to go for.

(Or neither).

If you've shagged MM however, it's unfair to keep seeing him without telling him.

But your experience and observation is a tiny amount of people.

Patterns of behaviour among the population are observable.
Men are demonstrably and proveably more predatory in the pursuit of sex than women.

Both were married. Both have now left their partners. But only one is entertaining the previous affair partner whilst stringing yet another partner along.

Since you have absolutely no idea what he's done or is doing, what a bizarre statement to make.

Go for the married one. You two deserve each other!