Tips on dealing with a (low level) gaslighter

[Remmy123]

My husband who I have been with for 20 odd years over the past few years has changed.

everyone thinks he is great he is very sociable helpful etc but he isn't to me

he calls me a gaslighter but below is a scenario of many:

last night sitting with our children having dinner. Husband has been working on a v stressful project (made him v touchy stressed)

he said 'right who is going to ask me about my day? I started the first phase of the project'

i say ' thank god for that'

he says 'you are so rude'

I say that's not rude I mean it's been a long time coming. Tell me more

he reluctantly tells me more about this project - it's in IT so I've no fecking clue what it means (that annoys him)

kids leave the room I ask why he thought I was rude he says 'you said thank god for that you're just thinking about yourself because you say this project has made me like a different person' you only ask me more about the project because you realised you didn't sound nice then stormed up to our room. He also mimicked me in a completely different tone.

I followed and said that's your problem that you have created a whole different scenario based on 4 words I said. - he called me a gaslighter

the evening before I asked him how much he had on a c card because we had been paying £200 a month for 5 years - he got so defensive said I was controlling I'm also controlling because I look in the shopping bags when he comes home from Tesco

I am v organised and orderly and he isn't

last might he said 'oh you think you are such a saint don't you' I say well when have I ever called you names or flown of the handle and made up fake scenarios.

he then accused me of swearing at him in front of the kids in the past - I've never done this so I asked for an example and he said 'well you have' and stormed off. No examples given. I said I really think I'm losing my marbles because I can't remember can you please think of an example? I might have to see a doctor I'm worried about my memory. He said 'well maybe you do because you have'

I pulled him aside and said - don't you ever call me a gaslighter again because that is just what you have done to me that is a clear example of gaslighting.

i know everyone wiill say leave but at the moment it's financiallly hard I've got x3 kids

how do I deal with a gaslighter in the meantime.

im gutted I've ended up with someone like this.

Thanks

OK.

You say this is a recent change?

It's possible that he's overwhelmed with stress at work and hasn't found appropriate ways of managing it.

If that's the case, then It's at the forefront of his mind but maybe he doesn't know how to start a conversation about it properly which led to his odd question of, "Who is going to ask me about my day?"

But, tbh, if you knew he was stressed out and touchy so I'm not sure, "Thank God for that," was the best response.

It's not a supportive response nor a neutral comment and could easily be taken the wrong way by someone who is already stressed and has heightened emotions.

But all of this he then accused me of swearing at him in front of the kids in the past - I've never done this so I asked for an example and he said 'well you have' and stormed off. No examples given. I said I really think I'm losing my marbles because I can't remember can you please think of an example? I might have to see a doctor I'm worried about my memory. He said 'well maybe you do because you have' just sounds like you were both spoiling for a fight tbh.

Him with his made up accusations and storming off and you with your badgering and faux concerns about your memory - none of that is healthy or mature.

You both need to find healthy and constructive ways of communicating.

Well, I think your first comment of "thank God for that" was rude & if I was him I'd not want to talk either.

Ok thanks I do appreciate hearing honest answers - although he didnt speak to me over it for the rest of the night which I think is OTT

It sounds to me like he’s very stressed and taking it out on you a little bit. I would give him some space but suggest he do something to help with stress levels like go to gym, go for a run or whatever he likes hobby wise. I think people throw the word “gaslighting”’around without really knowing what it means which sounds like what he has done to you x

I don't think either of you are communicating well with each other and it all sounds very defensive and tit for tat. You both sound like two individuals who are operating separately instead of as a supportive unit.

Well, my advice for dealing with a gaslighter is don't.

I am intrigued by your comment about looking in the shopping bags though. Do you mean looking as in out of curiosity or because you're putting it in the cupboards or do you mean looking to see what he's been buying and how much he's spent?

Or maybe he realised you were both in the wrong and decided least said, soonest mended?

I agree with *Mumlaplomb *about giving him space and it sounds like that's what he was tryiing to do.

Why would you deliberately try to wind up someone who you already know is stressed with an ongoing situation rather than offering a neutral/supportive response? Why would you not apologise for a rude comment or one that just landed badly? Why would you constantly pick at someone who is sending out clear signals they're not in the mood?

If I'm stressed out about something, I go very quiet. If someone made an unsupportive comment to me when I was trying to start a conversation about it (albeit awkwardly in his case), I wouldn't be impressed. If they then followed me around when I'd removed myself from the situation to de-escalate it (or 'stormed off' to use your words) and started goading with comments along the lines of "Well perhaps I need to see a doctor! Perhaps memory is failing me?" I'd be pissed off too and I wouldn't want to talk to them either.

I have no idea if he's actually abusive because the situation you've described sounds a bit six of one and half a dozen of the other.

So if you really want to leave him but feel like you can't right now, the best course of action is probably to be neutrally supportive or at least not deliberately provocative. At least then, your children won't have to watch the live action version of The Twits playing out in front of them.

That's a good question because I've reread your op and it sounds like you are quite critical of him generally.

Is this a case of abuse or just two people who no longer get along and take little digs at each other when they can because they they can?

To help put the stuff away I am the one that cooks etc and usually this happens on a Friday night so look to see if any chocolate etc - we have a joint bank account so I can see on that the expense I don't care about that

he has been stressed for two years and I have been his punching bag - I ask him about work he then gets irritated because I don't understand what he really does - it's very technical, it's like I can't say anything right.

then I stop asking about work - he has a go because I'm not showing interest

I also work he never asks about that and I really don't care

there is history I mean I'm telling you one scenario- he accused me of getting pregnant on purpose when I didn't and that went on for some time.

I haven't said and didn't say anything critical?

Well people on here aren't privy to any 'history' and can only go on what you say.

So if you want to leave him, do so. And if you can't, my previous response still applies. Just don't engage.

That sounds perfectly reasonable on your part then.

It's not worth arguing with someone who is determined to misunderstand you. If you can't leave, give bland answers and don't get into a debate.

Thank you - the flouncing when I say the wrong things and defensivenes is really hard. I am not someone that raises their voice either I'm quite calm person.

I am misunderstood then I explain what I mean and he says I'm gaslighting

last week he said I swore at him
Down the phone - I was. In he middle of M&S I know I didnt but I do know the reception was bad I mean take my word for it. I'm not going to swear in the middle of a Shop and I'd remeber if I did.

he said my teen heard so I asked her and she didn't. Load of bollox.

its fucked really

Yeah, it's toxic to be around this kind of thing. It's very frustrating and upsetting to be constantly accused of things that you haven't done. That's why it's so important to not get invested in his opinion. If he thinks a load of bollocks, leave him to it. No one died and made him king of opinions.

Perhaps you're not raising your voice and swearing enough OP.

These things are notoriously difficult to judge because relationships are so complex. If my DH asked me to ask about his work day I’d be irritated, it would be weirdly controlling and draining but I do ask him every day about his day and he asks me about mine. I agree with the poster upthread that you have communication issues. I’d see if you can come up with better ways to communicate with one another.

Yep communication is awful between us I do agree

we have such busy lives - both full time x3 kids

I have a lot of resentment I'm actually struggling to be nice to him really so that's problem in itself

he is being nice as pie to me today like nothing happened I can't keep up with the moods

As I said before,

is this a case of abuse or just two people who no longer get along and take little digs at each other when they can because they they can?

Because this,

I have a lot of resentment I'm actually struggling to be nice to him really so that's problem in itself

Sounds like it is.

You also admit that your communication as a couple isn't great.

You could try and change it. Even if it just eases things in the short term.

Find a time when you think you both have time to relax and talk. Tell him you'd like a conversation. Tell him you don't want to argue or take swipes at each other because you both know you can both do that but you'd like to clear the air and make things better for both of you.

Ask him if that's something he'd be interested in and if now's a good time.

Then tell him how you feel. No accusations, no labelling behaviours, no criticism. Just explain.

"I feel ..."

"When you say/do, X, it makes me feel ..."

Factual statements with little emotion. It's OK to include emotion in the statements because you're talking about your feelings. But don't raise voices or stray from the facts and no loaded questions, statements or putting words into the other's mouth.

Because a lot of men haven't been brought up to share/discuss feelings, they sometimes feel ambushed or unable to cope with others doing so. I'm not saying that to let him off the hook, but to explain why so many men shut down. It's not because men don't have the same range of emotions but because they're not (or havent historically been) encouraged to have them, name them, understand them, process them healthily. It's a recognised phenomenon I'm not pulling it out of my arse.

Give him the space to do the same.

You might hear things you don't like. As will he.

He may say things you disagree with. As will you.

You need to agree to give each other the space to speak, without getting defensive or annoyed.

If one of you disagrees, accept that. Maybe discuss further. Try and unpick it a bit.

Because the bottom line is you either try or you carry on as you are and that's not making anyone happy. And I'd tell him that too.

he is being nice as pie to me today like nothing happened I can't keep up with the moods

Some people will say this is part of the abuse but I wonder if it's because he doesn't actually want this ill feeling and unpleasantness any more than you do but he doesn't quite know how to go about it either.

@GreyCarpet
thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me it's very helpful.

i do try and talk in a calm constructive way but he gets up and walks away all of the time I end up following him in to various different rooms it's pointless. He lacks empathy.

he comes from parents who don't talk about their problems and a v controlling mother. Not helpful!

Ps he is on a good mood because he is going away for the weekend with his mates!

Stop following him around and goading him into continuing the argument. That's horrible behaviour. Let him have space.

How can I communicate with someone that does this though? I can't.

im not goading him but he accuses me of stuff I've never said then walks away when I ask for an example!

Sounds like you are both bickering at each other. And both trying to prove to the other person that you are the better character.

Marriage shouldn't be a competition.

If you know he is fundamentally a good man and a good dad, then put this down to stress. I'd go and find him and bring him a cup of tea if he was in a huff and say gently - I don't want us to fight. There's no joy in point scoring off each other. I know you have worked hard on this project and it is very stressful and it is frustrating that you can't share it with me because I don't understand the tech. But that doesn't mean we are on opposite sides. I appreciate that you work hard. And I want us to have a good time together. Then I'd suggest going out for dinner or a walk or having a drink in the garden.

But if you doubt that he is fundamentally a good man and a good father I wouldn't waste energy on any of that. I would conserve all my energy with minimal but civil contact and start saving.

It is. He accuses me of saying stuff I've never said.

Tonight he is staying at a hotel with his mate - he said he told ne he was but he didn't, he kept saying he definitely did. This stuff happens frequently.