Tips on dealing with a (low level) gaslighter

[Remmy123]

My husband who I have been with for 20 odd years over the past few years has changed.

everyone thinks he is great he is very sociable helpful etc but he isn't to me

he calls me a gaslighter but below is a scenario of many:

last night sitting with our children having dinner. Husband has been working on a v stressful project (made him v touchy stressed)

he said 'right who is going to ask me about my day? I started the first phase of the project'

i say ' thank god for that'

he says 'you are so rude'

I say that's not rude I mean it's been a long time coming. Tell me more

he reluctantly tells me more about this project - it's in IT so I've no fecking clue what it means (that annoys him)

kids leave the room I ask why he thought I was rude he says 'you said thank god for that you're just thinking about yourself because you say this project has made me like a different person' you only ask me more about the project because you realised you didn't sound nice then stormed up to our room. He also mimicked me in a completely different tone.

I followed and said that's your problem that you have created a whole different scenario based on 4 words I said. - he called me a gaslighter

the evening before I asked him how much he had on a c card because we had been paying £200 a month for 5 years - he got so defensive said I was controlling I'm also controlling because I look in the shopping bags when he comes home from Tesco

I am v organised and orderly and he isn't

last might he said 'oh you think you are such a saint don't you' I say well when have I ever called you names or flown of the handle and made up fake scenarios.

he then accused me of swearing at him in front of the kids in the past - I've never done this so I asked for an example and he said 'well you have' and stormed off. No examples given. I said I really think I'm losing my marbles because I can't remember can you please think of an example? I might have to see a doctor I'm worried about my memory. He said 'well maybe you do because you have'

I pulled him aside and said - don't you ever call me a gaslighter again because that is just what you have done to me that is a clear example of gaslighting.

i know everyone wiill say leave but at the moment it's financiallly hard I've got x3 kids

how do I deal with a gaslighter in the meantime.

im gutted I've ended up with someone like this.

Thanks

These examples sound really petty to be honest especially the first one.

I agree I find them petty and pathetic but it's more or less every few days now it's like - here we go again circling in my mind each time ... trying different tactics ignore / challenge / cry

I really don't like the sound of this. I can understand the occasional fuck off in a long relationship, but not if it's frequent/happening every time you argue/said with true casual contempt.

I'm a bit worried people are fixating on these being seemingly small examples and telling you to stop antagonising him. Some men love to twist their partners in knots by being petty over seemingly trivial matters. You should not have to spend your life trying not to antagonise an angry man.

Would you consider reading a book on abuse and see if any of it rings a bell for you? It's free online. It's called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. If you Google that, you should find a link for a free PDF of it.

Actually what her husband is doing by walking away is stonewalling, which is another abusive tactic, along with the gaslighting.

Yes it is I actually told him this is what he was doing!

I think DH really struggles to manage his stress etc and takes it all out on me

lately he has been nice and it all coincides with work stress but in a couple of weeks time it will go back to being g shit again as it never lasts long!