Why can't people stay out of their spouse's family affairs and disputes ?

[vito657]

Lately on reddit I've been coming across stories of men or women talking about going no contact with their parents, siblings or any other family members and if they have a spouse, their spouse would try to make them make peace with their estranged family member.

The most memorable story was when a would be wife invited her future husband's estranged mother and the man was furious and they ended the engagement.

And overall, when some men and women marry somebody, they feel entitled to know about their partners childhood and past and want to know about their personal family manners and disputes or want to know what's my relationship is like with a family member.

I have a huge family and I got a good relationship with most of them but I got a few cousins that I've haven't talked to for many years because of major fallouts. My wife knows that I have cousins I don't talk. She asked me why I haven't talk to them and why I seem indifferent towards them on the rare times that I do see them at family gatherings and why I never bothered to introduce her to them but I told her firmly to stay out of it and stop asking dumb questions.

Why can't most people stay out of their spouse's family affairs? Mind your business. It's really not hard to do.

She is trying to pry into my family affairs and disputes when that's really none of her business and doesn't affect in any kinds of way.

I told her firmly to stay out of it and stop asking dumb questions.

You told your wife to stop asking dumb questions.

Probably from that comment she understands why your cousins have bought to do with you.

My husband knows my life story, warts and alls. His business is our business because we’re a team. Pretty sure sharing our life was in our vows.

That's really interesting. I see why you say that, maybe in your family that's true/how you were brought up. Often in some families/cultures there are taboo subjects that can never be discussed.
In other families, everyone knows everything about everyone, no topic or history is "off limits" and that openness is part of how people love each other, by sharing all of it.

So, to your partner, they are "simply" asking out of interest to get a fuller picture of you and your family, because that is potentially what they are used to doing in their own family/upbringing/culture.

In contrast, many people are more private. Both ways of being are OK, but I don't think your partner is being unreasonable to ask if they are used to that kind of "open" approach to family/love.
I think you need to maybe explore why you feel the way you do, and talk about it together. And you need to respond, in my opinion, more respectfully. You can say no in a way that is kinder, this is your life partner who you love above all others, after all?

Well this is like pulling teeth.

Again
Why are you irritated?

She is asking a question, a normal everyday question.

Is there nothing in you that can say it's none of your business love, without resorting to insult and irritation.

If my partner spoke to me like that, not only would I be deeply hurt and offended that he was refusing to explain things to me, his supposed life partner, I also think I'd begin to understand whose fault it was that there was a family bust-up in the first place.

It's not a "prying" question though. It's just a normal, run of the mill question. From your wife. To whom you are supposed to be more intimately connected than you are to any other person.

Your behaviour towards her does not seem normal.

If I was confident that my decision was the right one, made for the right reasons, I would have no reason to not tell my partner the why's and wherefores.

I wonder why you are so defensive and irritated if you are sure in your mind you are absolutely not in the wrong or in anyway to blame for the estrangement.......

I wish your wife luck, she needs it.

If your partner doesn't want to talk about something, you must respect that.

Your spouse is the person you trust most in the world. She is the person you could tell absolutely anything.

asking questions about your childhood or your family is normal behavior. If a spouse doesn’t do those things, one should worry.

if there are family disputes, a spouse should let the family member take the lead, but remember that with marriage the spouse joins the family so they are entitled to an opinion. The spouse may even develop independent relationships with family members.

it seems like maybe you just don’t want to be married OP

Trying to fix a rift or forcing reconciliation/a relationship is over stepping boundaries. Asking why the rift happened, isn't and is perfectly normal.

The more you post the worse you sound.

Absolutely appalling person.

So you are telling me that if you ask your partner personal questions he must answer you or else ?? That sounds very dictatorial to me.

I do want to be married. I just wish my wife would respect my boundaries.

I think it's about respect. Both ways. Not just what you say but how you say it, you can say no respectfully and lovingly but you must respect the fact that she is not unreasonable to ask either, she was not attacking you in any way.
Also it's about partnership, so, how many times do you say no? Are you actually sharing who you are with each other, fully and lovingly, which is what a marriage is? If not, why not? It is completely normal to expect that level of openness in a marriage. I think an exception would be an arranged marriage within the first year when you are still getting to know each other, but if it's a marriage of choice, then to me it's not dictatorial to be open and respectful and kind and loving, it's a natural outpouring of your love for each other.
I don't see love within marriage as something that has boundaries of what is and isn't OK to talk about.

Actually it affects her to know that if she has children with you, you both get run over that proverbial bus before your children are adults that these relatives cannot be trusted to look after her children.

Myself and my DP both have a sibling we don't get on with for various reasons. We have both told each other about their behaviour before we had a child, and know we don't want our child to ever end up in that sibling's care.

It isn't prying. It's about trust and communication to tell your life partner those relatives of yours don't have yours and your offsprings best interests at heart.

She is trying to pry into my family affairs and disputes when that's really none of her business and doesn't affect in any kinds of way.
If you have DC your family dynamic will certainly be relevant. Your relations are also the relations of her offspring.

It`s nothing new read it every day on mumsnet.

I get what you mean too, but I think marriage is also equality. If she is your equal, then why can't she know about xyz? Which goes back to you needing to think about why you feel so strongly about it. It's OK to, but if you can work out why, and tell her that lovingly, she may well be able to respect boundaries. Whereas if you just shut iher down and get mad, she could well think you were an axe murderer 20 years ago or be incredibly hurt to be excluded from parts of your life.

Why are you so defensive though?

It’s natural to try and heal family breakdown

I think it’s only coming from a good place

Oh and unfortunately that proverbial bus can happen.

Which is why you need to tell your wife that your relations who you don't get on with are money grabbers, users, racists, crooks, drama llamas, etc.

If you spoke to me like that then I would conclude it is no wonder people don't want to talk to you. Fine to protect privacy if it is important to you, but it is never okay to speak to someone like that. You need to work on your defensiveness.

Are you the same guy who didn't tell your other half when someone in your family died?

It's downright bizarre imo not to tell your wife why you don't talk to someone she comes into contact with at family events.

That said she has bigger issues than your family squabbles. How you speak to her is divorce material.

Because sometimes people are irrational and hurt and everything can be fixed easily. We had a family rift where two people didn’t talk for years and years meaning there was a whole generation of relatives that didn’t meet until eg funerals/ people getting sick. Things were solved on death beds. I wish spouses had stepped in

I could be wrong but what if she has malicious intent like the people in these stories I mentioned ?

The scenario where she knows why I don't talk to these family members and she tries to force me to reconcile with them anyways. It seems to happen a lot.