Why can't people stay out of their spouse's family affairs and disputes ?

[vito657]

Lately on reddit I've been coming across stories of men or women talking about going no contact with their parents, siblings or any other family members and if they have a spouse, their spouse would try to make them make peace with their estranged family member.

The most memorable story was when a would be wife invited her future husband's estranged mother and the man was furious and they ended the engagement.

And overall, when some men and women marry somebody, they feel entitled to know about their partners childhood and past and want to know about their personal family manners and disputes or want to know what's my relationship is like with a family member.

I have a huge family and I got a good relationship with most of them but I got a few cousins that I've haven't talked to for many years because of major fallouts. My wife knows that I have cousins I don't talk. She asked me why I haven't talk to them and why I seem indifferent towards them on the rare times that I do see them at family gatherings and why I never bothered to introduce her to them but I told her firmly to stay out of it and stop asking dumb questions.

Why can't most people stay out of their spouse's family affairs? Mind your business. It's really not hard to do.

Why can't most people stay out of their spouse's family affairs?

I think most people do.

Mind your own business means that you know it makes you look bad.

it’s no way to behave in a marriage at all.

but also more relevant for her is seeing whether the same dynamic might be applicable to you and her.
Telling your wife in effect to shut the fuck up is a fairly direct route to getting divorced.

Well OP, aren’t you a treat😬

I didn't tell her to shut up. I just told her to stay out of my family conflict.

I think if you love someone you want to know about them, and by extension their family and history. And if you love someone you share your whole life with them, not just the edited "best" bits. So I don't think it's strange your partner asked, I do think it's strange you don't want to talk about it if you love your partner.
However, I don't think your partner can or should force you to make amends etc, that's not their place. But from your post it doesn't sound like that's what they were trying to do, they just wanted to know why?
I'd be the same to be honest. Also, if the reason why is a crap one, it would make me see my partner differently and I'd appreciate that perspective before potentially marrying someone. E.g. if you've stopped speaking to your cousin because they hit you when you played monopoly together aged 7 I'd run a mile.

So I guess the real question is, why DON'T you want to tell your partner?

If your partner went no contact with a family member, it's usually for a very good reason at least 90 percent of the time.

'Stop asking dumb questions'

What a vile way to talk to your wife. Why the fuck did you marry someone you can't even talk to like a normal human. If my DH didn't speak to certain relatives I'd ask why, that's completely bloody normal.

You have the right to ask but your partner has the right to tell you that's none of your business.

Your wife asked why you don’t seem fussed about some relatives and your answer was ‘stay out of it and stop asking dumb questions’

Really?

Not always, sometimes it seemed like a good reason at the time, but years later everyone has moved on and it doesn't seem like such a big deal and talking about it helps ppl to make amends. That's what happened in my husband's family after a few years and a lot of distance, forgiveness and perspective.
Not every time, but context is relevant isn't it? Like, I'd never expect someone who'd gone nc with someone who abused them to ever contact them again, OBVIOUSLY, but some families can actually go nc over really petty stuff.

That's not what you said. You said 'stop asking dumb questions' - so calling her stupid for even asking. Rude.

I think people normally expect that their spouse is the one person they can trust and who can trust them so it probably hurts to be told to mind your own business. It probably feels like either you're not trusted or your spouse has a terrible secret that they must ensure you never discover because it is horrific and they know you could never love them if you knew. Violence. Murder. Wearing crocs.

Maybe, but phrase it lovingly at least. Eg "I'm sorry I can't talk about it, it's too painful/I haven't dealt with it properly yet. I love you and I'm sorry I'm not ready to share it with you"
Rather than "stop asking dumb questions".

I would want to know so I could make up my mind as to whether you were actually a decent human being or had narcissistic tendencies. It helps to build a better/fuller picture of the person I was with.

No such thing as dumb (relationship) questions btw.

If you spoke to me like that, I'd figure that you were a good proportion of whatever the dispute was. More to the point we'd not be in partnership for much longer.

Your method of communicating could do with a bit more work.

When my wife asks me prying questions, I get annoyed. That's why I respond like that.

Why does it annoy you so much?

Communicate properly and explain why it's such a big issue. It's understandable (to some of us anyway) that she would ask.

Well she doesn't bloody know why you aren't talking to someone.
So that doesnt make her dumb.
And now your blaming your wife for you getting annoyed.

Christ I can see the divorce by next week if thats how you talk to her.
Why tf are you blaming her?

I appreciate your honesty.
Would it help how you respond if you could see it as her loving you? As in, she is interested because she cares, rather than feeling like it is a kind of attack? Maybe write down how it makes you feel when you are calm and think about why it does, why does it make you cross when she asks?
Eg often when I feel most defensive it's because I'm most vulnerable, and I find it hard to trust people. But that's due to my history, not my husband's, and now that I know that about myself it helps.

Also, if you really do love your partner, why do you speak harshly to them? Is it just when you feel angry or all of the time? How do they speak to you? How do you want to be spoken to? You are, after all, both on the same team.

I don't speak to her like that all the time but when she asks these prying questions, I get irritated.

When you get married, your husband or wife becomes part of your family....if you didn't want them to be involved in your life then you should have remained single.

You sound defensive and horrible. Asking about things like this is normal conversation, your poor wife being spoken to like that.

I am horrible because I am irritated about my wife's prying questions? I don't get it. Saying I am horrible is dramatic.

I don't speak to her like that all the time

Wow. So just some of the time.

Why ars you irritated