Boyfriend still sees and talks to his ex of 5 years and has her 2 kids that he sees as his own

[M1418]

So my boyfriend is still in contact with his ex he was with for 5 years because he still sees her kids as his own (they are not his kids) they still see their biological dad too and wants a relationship with them. He said he left her due to him wanting a child and she didn’t and that he no longer love or has feelings for her but still wants a relationship with her kids however. When they separated they agreed that he isn’t to introduce these two children to any of his partners and that it’s a him and kids thing. He has them over for the weekends and helps out? Is this a normal situation

Yep. I know a couple of men who still see a lot of their ex's kids. Why should the kids lose out just because the parents decide they're not right for each other?

It's no different really than having a good relationship with an Aunt or Uncle.

Unusual but a good thing - he split with their mother and not them. If they and he still have a loving relationship, I think it’s great he didn’t walk away from them.

Unusual but is he forbidden from introducing a partner forever? That means never moving a gf in or only having gf who work at the weekend.

Promising to never meet partners is putting his life on hold if he has the kids quite a bit at weekends. I bet they have met or will meet their mum's new partner.

I think its nice but may cause issues if your relationship progresses and you can never see them

Yeah it happens but it wouldn’t be something I’d be happy with. I wouldn’t try and interfere with it though of course - I would just swerve a man with that kind of arrangement. It’s up to him but I don’t need to be part of it.

Many years ago a guy I was starting to talk to began speaking to his ex now and again, they had no kids at the point of divorcing a year or so prior, so that was already a red flag.

Then his ex became pregnant (by someone else) and she made him the godfather lol - so confusing right?!

I was already out of there by that point but I stumbled on his FB a while back and saw all these pictures of him with his godchild /exes child. Not surprisingly he was still single.

I can see this arrangement wouldn’t sit well with a lot of women and tbh I think he is still not completely over his ex.

OP, how many weekends is he having them over?

That’s the kind of man you’d want to have children with. How decent!

How old are they? I think it’s lovely that he is still in their life. Presumably as they get older the not meeting new partners thing will relax as it is unrealistic long term.

Fucking hell. That man is a bloody keeper! Built by a relationship with girlfriend’s kids and when they split up didn’t dump them but still has contact? What a heart.

It's Clueless, "you divorce the wife, not the kids" or something.

However, the never meeting them means you can't move in. If that is your eventual goal, you need to say that and leave if it's not possible.

He will have a hard job ever getting someone to have a DC with him if he allows himself to be bound by his ex's children not seeing future partners and he remains hell bent on having them over a weekend. Does he alternate weekends with their DF? Their mum must love having all her weekends free, nice - for her that is, at your expense though.
Don't think it would be a situation I'd be happy or put up with if I wanted to make a life with someone. Any chance you could talk to his ex and confirm, as it sounds an oddly posessive rule on her part, almost as if he's making excuses to have free weekends maybe?

Except where are you going every weekend the kids are over? Because you're not allowed to meet them. And presumably not your joint child either. How will you explain to your joint kids that Dad had a whole family there never to be a part of?

That’s really lovely and very much in the minority. Think of the number of men who don’t even see their own kids! He sounds like a great guy to start your own family with, sounds like a keeper.

Having said that, I do agree with others in that it’s not fair for you or a potential partner. His ex can’t call the shots and he’s have to say that he wants a relationship with her kids but as part of a bigger picture and you would have to be included in that.

I think he sounds like a lovely person, someone I know felt this way too and maintained a relationship with his step kids however there was a child of the relationship too which meant it all felt more natural.

You don't say how old the kids are? Are they getting anywhere near to the age when they can see him as and when they want, rather than a strict 'contact' schedule?

I think I would be having a discussion along the lines of if they're never going to meet you, how is your relationship going to progress? And if he broke up with the ex because he wanted a child, how does he see life working out with a child and a pair of stepDCs who are never to meet that child's mother?

OP how long have you been dating him and roughly how old are you both?

I think how long you’ve been with him matters a lot and finding out if he is ever allowed to introduce kids to his partner?

If not, realistically that makes having a serious relationship /living with him quite tricky.

He will either have to go off somewhere to see the kids or you’ll have to leave the house when they come over. You’d be shut out of a significant part of his life.

You just need to decide what exactly the “rules” are long term, and if it’s for you or not.

I don’t think that needs to be true. My partner goes to the gym a few times a week, I’ve never been with him. He goes to the city centre to see his dad for a pint most Saturdays, I’ve never been with him. He’ll go and see his mum every couple of weeks and we hate each other, so I don’t go. I would expect some leeway on weekend only contact over the course of years, but I don’t see any reason why he can’t keep his relationship with those kids separate from his girlfriends. It’s no different imo in having time away to see a friend or do or hobby, but in this case he’s making time to make those children happy

My brother split up with his ex 2 years ago but still thinks of her DD as his DSD. I think it's nice. The bit about not meeting a new partner is weird though. What if you move in together? You can't just not see him for a weekend.

He sounds a decent guy and those children are lucky to have both their dad and an 'uncle' in their lives.

I expect their mum doesn't want her kids getting an increasing number of adults involved, they have enough!

How long ago did they split?

If your relationship develops he'll probably reduce the time spent with them.

I doubt that he's spending every other weekend with them!

I'd imagine he's probably just taking them out for food or bowling once in a while, keeping in touch.

It's not going to be onerous not to meet the new girlfriend for a while.

How often does he see them? I think it’s really decent of him but the arrangement is quite limiting on his ability to move on and start his own family if it’s every weekend for the whole time.

my DH still sees the daughter of his ex wife, treats her like his own, although we do see less and less of her now, but she's late 30's and is living her best life. she still sees her bio dad and when she got married she asked DH to make a FOB speech which was a lovely thing to do. She has a relationship with DH's own children, but not with mine. They are polite to one another but she grew up with DH's children so there's a relationship there with them.

there are too many people in this world who once a relationship breaks down, they simply walk away so its nice that your partner is keeping his relationship going with these children.. sounds like a good man.

I remained very good friends with my ex, even after our children were adults, we socialised together, spent christmas together and did days out together, you don't always have to hate an ex!

My ex has always kept in contact with my child (she has a great relationship with her Dad also). Now she’s an adult they still keep in contact and see each other independently of me if they are in the same area. I think it’s a lovely thing. When you are a child a live in partner can be a big influence on you growing up.

He sounds a good man.

Maybe this stipulation is in place so he's not busy parading a line of women in front of the children and will be revised when he finds his 'one'.

How long have you been together? How often are the weekends he has them over? If it's a new relationship and he doesn't have them every weekend, it's perfectly reasonable he carries on seeing them without you, as resumably you have a life and things to do otherwise.

Yeah, I think the not being able to meet them are reasonable restrictions the Mum puts in so there aren’t random women on the scene every few months, I’m sure if it was obvious he was in a serious long term relationship those boundaries could be reevaluated.

I don't think there's anything wrong with being friends with your ex. They're an ex for a reason. You can have all different kids of loving relationships, why should the fact you're no longer the major person in each other's lives mean you have to cut all contact?