Boyfriend still sees and talks to his ex of 5 years and has her 2 kids that he sees as his own

[M1418]

So my boyfriend is still in contact with his ex he was with for 5 years because he still sees her kids as his own (they are not his kids) they still see their biological dad too and wants a relationship with them. He said he left her due to him wanting a child and she didn’t and that he no longer love or has feelings for her but still wants a relationship with her kids however. When they separated they agreed that he isn’t to introduce these two children to any of his partners and that it’s a him and kids thing. He has them over for the weekends and helps out? Is this a normal situation

Absolutely this

I don't see him as a catch at all! It's all fun and games until he wants an actual say about those kids, fine for mum to use him as a free babysitter isn't it. Until she needs to make herself look good when a new partner comes along and she wants to play happy families, who do you think gets dropped from the equation? More drama than it's worth.

Meanwhile his relationships suffer.

I was with my ex for 5 years. When we separated I wasn't allowed to see his daughter anymore. She was 9. It was devastating. I initially saw her when I went to visit his ex so we could get the kids together (I had also had a child with him) but she got bored of it and stopped responding. He became hugely abusive and he isn't allowed to contact me. I would have stayed in contact with his daughter if given the chance. I saw her again briefly from afar by accident a couple of months ago. First time in 5 years and I burst into tears. If that was my reaction as an adult, I can't imagine how a child must feel.

He sees them every other weekend time to time might have them over for one night when I am not there or sometimes in the day he will have them instead of over night they still FaceTime. He said this makes him happy their mum isn’t always around but time to time might join them at the park xyz. He said it was an agreement between them that until the children are old enough to make their decisions that they are not to meet anyway.

They are 9 and youngest 5 who has autism and the youngest my partner sees this child like his own as he met him for 6 month old. He also had special needs so help support that and may time to time attend medical appointments for the youngest. His ex is still in contact with his family and spends time with his mum sister in law and sister Iv been seeing him 6months.

You have been together for 6 months. He is upfront with you about his relationship with his ex and her kids. You should know by now if this is a deal breaker for you.

You can choose whether or not you want to continue with this relationship. However, you don’t get to control his life and change the arrangements that he already had in place. Or decide who he can and cannot have relationships with.

He has made a decision to continue being on good terms with his ex and to continue being an important part of these children’s lives.

If you feel uncomfortable with it then you can move on and find someone you are more compatible with.

Yes! There aren't many like this. Think about the men who can't be bothered with their own children:

He sounds like a winner to me.

If you’re still with him in a couple of years he’ll probably ask his ex to review the situation, and the children will presumably have a say.
Six months is nothing when children are involved.

No it's not normal. U should do it to him and see how he likes it

He's been very clear to you that these children are a priority for him, so either accept it or move on.
It sounds like they are a permanent feature of his life, which is 10O% his choice.
Just as it is your choice if this is a deal breaker for you.

only you know what you want.
You know this isn’t “normal” or “typical”

i would not have a future / the future I would want with this man so I’d end it and keep dating…

It wouldn’t be something I would want to be involved with to be honest. I would
move on, it’s just too complicated considering you are not allowed to be involved.

It's hard enough being a stepmum when it's his own kid, let alone two kids he's not even related to and that won't be allowed to become part of your family. How's that going to work if you have your own baby and live together? He pisses off out leaving you with the baby every weekend to prioritize kids that aren't his? If he wants to do that, great, but doesn't mean you have to get involved. honestly, if you think it's weird now, wait till you are a week post partum and he's off with these other kids that you're not allowed to meet. At least with step kids there's a possibility you can build a family around them. These ones are strangers and will remain so.

Leave him, find someone else. There's only heartache, resentment and pain in your future with him.

And if he doesn't, that's 2 years of her life wasted.

The dates aren’t quite adding up to me , I’m guessing because you are rounding figures but it makes me wonder if you got with him immediately after he split with her and haven’t been together long at all?

I don’t mean to be cynical but I suspect his arrangement will eventually tail off.however I wouldn’t push it if I were you because if it tails off because you ask he won’t be happy.

This whole scenario is not what I’d call “normal” and that’s not to say it’s bad or good, but truthfully speaking it’s just not common.

until the children are old enough to make their decisions

I feel this is potentially a bit open ended and subjective. When are they going to decide the kids are old enough to “make their own decisions” ? When the oldest is 12? When the youngest is 12? When the oldest is 16?

Even if at best you did get to meet them in the next year or so, would you be comfortable with this whole arrangement in terms of having the kids over regularly?

If you have kids before that his kids are “old enough to make a decision” how that will play out? Will you feel resentment if you want a lie in on a weekend and he’s off to see his ex’s kids and you need to get up with the baby? Will he prioritise your kids and if not, are you ok with that?

His ex is still in contact with his family and spends time with his mum sister in law and sister Iv been seeing him 6months.

Children aside, this is also not something I’d accept. She spends time with his family and you said he also spends time with her sometimes at the park.

It feels like he hasn’t fully moved on, even if he has moved on romantically he still feels like he needs her in his life in some way. I’m not sure if he’d be happy with it if it was the other way around.

Personally I’d definitely not want any part in this whole situation, and I’d just end things as I don’t think it’s my place to interfere with his current set up. But we are all different- as I said before while some people online may applaud him for this, you need to decide if YOU find this set up acceptable and if it’s going to work for you long term. And be very honest with yourself!

Yes, who wants to wait two years to be able to spend the weekends together?