Boyfriend still sees and talks to his ex of 5 years and has her 2 kids that he sees as his own

[M1418]

So my boyfriend is still in contact with his ex he was with for 5 years because he still sees her kids as his own (they are not his kids) they still see their biological dad too and wants a relationship with them. He said he left her due to him wanting a child and she didn’t and that he no longer love or has feelings for her but still wants a relationship with her kids however. When they separated they agreed that he isn’t to introduce these two children to any of his partners and that it’s a him and kids thing. He has them over for the weekends and helps out? Is this a normal situation

Doing something during the week after work is quite different to the weekend imo. Most women want to spend at least part of their weekends with their boyfriend. In fact, it's one of the main reasons for having a relationship.

I’m friends with all my exes but one and it was only after that I realised he was an abusive, misogynist twat. My other exes are lovely people but we just didn’t work well together in a relationship.

@Suimai every example you gave of what your DP does without you involved him going to a different venue.

How would you feel if he had gym equipment at home, but you couldn't be home when he used it?

If he saw his mum and dad (separately) at your home, but you couldn't be home when they visited, etc?

I'm definitely a believer in partners having their own lives and doing stuff separately, but if you can never join your DP on those hobbies/visits/whatever, and you can never be at home when he sees certain people, that's quite controlling.

How long have you been together?

I think it’s a good thing, he and his ex are obviously mature enough to realise that his relationship with the children doesn’t have to end just because he is no longer romantically involved with their mum.

It’s also sensible to have boundaries of not introducing them to his partners.

I wonder if he would still want to keep the relationship with them if he did have his own dc?

It's an odd setup IMO. Completely understand if they are his kids but someone else's and he has them over at weekends?

Very odd and how will this ever work long term?

My ex did and I have a relationship with his DC too, sometimes babysitting when they were younger. I am in a new relationship (over 10 years now) and it has, thankfully, never been an issue. This is what blended families are.

I mean yeah that's all very nice but a bit short sighted of him if he wants to have his own kids. How does he plan to do that if he's forbidden from having these kids meet any future partner? He'll be lucky to meet a woman willing to have children with him who'll also be happy to evacuate the house every other weekend so he can play daddy to some other woman's kids 🙄

You’d hope the Mum would reevaluate the rules in that case, it’s similar to Dad’s getting new girlfriends, good to keep them separate from children until you know it’s serious/long term.

Yes this.

I’d be interested to know how often he takes the kids and if it’s ever overnights etc.

I’d also add to that a lot of people are saying he’s a lovely guy and well done to the man etc but while this set up is all very nice for him, the kids and his ex it may not necessarily benefit you OP. It doesn’t matter how great it makes him look to others who aren’t in your situation.

It’s not about being selfish but you need to question if it’s something you are ok with, how much it’ll inconvenience you (if at all) and if/how will it affect any future plans you have with him.

Some of the most supposedly “stand up guys” out there are great with nieces, other people’s kids, random strangers and old ladies, stray cats etc, but not so great at focusing on their own immediate family/bio kids/partner.

But these aren't even his children. I totally understand mums not wanting their ex husbands introducing a string of new girlfriends to their shared kids (though they have zero legal right to enforce that), but someone making demands about the romantic life of someone who's not even biologically related to her kids doesn't strike me as a reasonable or sensible person. You wouldn't tell your kids uncle he's not allowed to introduce his new girlfriend to your kids would you? Because that'd be massively weird and overbearing.

Only OP can answer the question "is this a permanent arrangement or would it be adjusted if he were in something serious/long term", but it just sounds to me like someone enjoying having continued control over the romantic life of an ex she perhaps wasn't happy to let go of. Call me a cynic if you like.

OP, I think you deserve more.
I certainly wouldn't be interested in having a child with a man who is still doing what he is told by an ex that he doesn't have children with.

Far too messy, would give me the Ick.

If you were leaving the children alone with them I think that it’s fine until you know them. I wouldn’t have wanted my sister to look after my children with a new boyfriend!

I've never heard of anyone in this situation but if the kids aren't allowed to meet parters then how is he gonna have a kid with someone else. This will get very messy

He sounds like a nice man, who still wishes to be involved with the children that be bought up for a time.

He sounds like a good guy, he obviously has a great relationship with the kids.

How old are they? If early teens they will be making up their own minds about who they should meet etc.

Perhaps when you and he are more established he will raise the issue of introducing you with the ex.

He sounds like a nice guy….but this is incredibly messy.

I would have NO future with a guy like this die to how entangled he is with both his ex and kids… His involvement means he is not fully emotionally available.
i knew when looking for a life partner that i wanted me and our future children to be a no 1 priority (which is why I stopped dating men who already had children) so it would be a no from me…

you’d be crazy to try and build any kind of a life with him while he is involved with those children….

It’s nice for them, but I wouldn’t get the slightest bit involved with someone who did this.

I think it's nice that he stays in touch- I agree with the Clueless quote, Mel is great!

However think about what you want. How much time does he actually spend with them? 'weekends' sounds pretty restrictive to your relationship. Trips or activities together, say museum or cinema or park sounds lovely on the other hand.

Also, once you're established, I don't see why you couldn't be introduced eventually (not to see them every time by any means) but there wouldn't be the same investment there would with a parent's new partner who may be their new stepmum in time. You'd just be their 'uncle's girlfriend. I understand mum not wanting to be have to explain a new one every five minutes as that isn't appropriate but I think if they and you will be in his life long term your paths will cross now and again and that's fine.

I'd want to talk about how this plays out long term. Not wanting to muscle in on something nice and nothing to do with me but does it mean there's an outright permanent ban on you ever meeting as I wouldn't be too comfortable with that. I wouldn't want to be involved in the kids or anything, just I'm not sure these parts of his life need to be completely separated permanently.

If I felt it was more about the mum I would cut my losses.

He sounds like a good man. If you go on to have children with him, I’m sure they would be a priority over his exs kids and it wouldn’t bother you so much by then.

This is fascinating to me the number of women who think this guy is doing something special by staying in touch with the kids. They are projecting their own bad experiences with absent dads/husbands on this man.

The reality is he's not their dad, or their step dad or ever adopted them. Imagine a child's life where every man their mother gets into a relationship with decides to have them for weekends/spend time with them. Then when those men have kids of their own, the kids suddenly have a whole other family to contend with. It's nuts.

I will wager good money he only stays in touch with them because he's still in love with the mum and hopes she'll change her mind about another child. And by staying in her life, there's a good chance she won't meet anyone else (which is perfect for him) because imagine a new man having to contend with the real dad, and this ex as well! They didn't grow apart, he didn't fall out love with her - he wanted her to be the mum of his own children, she didn't. No man is getting over those feelings by still play acting happy families with a woman he wants to have a child with.

I would cut your losses and run. All that will happen is he has his child with you, but maintains his feelings and relationship with her and her kids - his real family. You'll just be the womb. Eventually he would split up with you, have join custody of your child, and hers - and have the family he always wanted. That might sound cynical, but you know deep down he isn't as much in love with you as he is her. Trust your instinct.

Nah. I think you’re the on projecting here with the idea that’s he’s still in love with the ex.

He probably just likes spending time with the kids and vice versa. Really doesn’t have to be deeper than that b

How old are the children, how much time do they spend with him each week and weekends. Do you think you are ever likely to get serious and want to move in together. I think he sounds a good man but I wouldn't go with it, I think it's a bit odd that the children are never alliwrd to meet you , presumably that would have to change if you moved in together or when the children are older. If the mum gets a new partner how will that change the dynamics.

That's now how human beings work. Imagine that you're in love with a man to the extent you want his children. He doesn't want a child. Are you going to get over him by still seeing him every weekend, being a part of life and play acting happy families? The last time I checked, the only way to get over someone you love is space and distance - which has definitely not happened here.

It's also incredibly selfish and confusing to a child. Their dad split and they see their dad on weekends. This new bf has split and they see him on weekends. Then there will likely be another man they see on weekends. And then they have to contend with the new partners and children of not just their real dad, but all their new dads.

Just because a man knows your kids well, doesn't make him the dad or mean a woman should be handing her kids over to him on weekends. Women love this idea, that they've met a man who loves their kids so much he's putting his life on hold for them - but it's only going to be a mess for everyone, especially the kids. At some point - this guy will have his own child which will be confusing for them, or at some point if their mum meets a new guy - they'll have multiple men in their lives. They had a dad, the one who still sees them - every other guy is temporary unless he becomes their step dad and lasts longer than 5 years!! They don't need to be spending weekends with their mum's ex.

For the love of god.

How much time does he spend with them at the weekend? Nights? Full days?