Feeling so confused and injured [Content warning added by MNHQ: mentions rape and sexual assault]

[GraceOMalleyReturns]

I don’t really know why I’m posting this but I’m too embarrassed to talk to anyone about it in real life.

I’ve been seeing a guy casually for nearly 3 years. We both have kids, live a couple of hours apart and neither of us want to uproot kids so for now we just see each other a couple of times a month and we were hoping to be able to commit to each other more once kids are older.

He has always been very kind to me and considerate of the fact I’d been in an abusive relationship in the past. He’s never so much as raised his voice to me even when we have disagreements or I’ve been being entirely unreasonable (which I have over the last year as I’ve been on various anxiety medication which has changed my mood a lot).

On Monday we went to stay at a hotel for a couple of days. We have always had a very enjoyable sex life and he’s never asked me to do anything unusual as he knows I’m pretty inexperienced and he has hinted he used to be into some fetish stuff but it was because it’s what his ex was into and he just went along with it.

For maybe the last year or so he’s occasionally slapped my bum (never hard) during which has always made me giggle because I find it quite silly but not a turn off or anything. While we were away he slapped my bum quite a few times while we were having sex and afterwards said ‘you really enjoy me being rough with you don’t you?’ to which I replied ‘you’re not rough and I like it’ because I do like our sex life.

Yesterday morning he had to leave early as he was getting a flight and gently woke me up at about 5am making it clear he fancied sex. I was pretty sleepy and he asked me if I minded if he was rough with me and I said of course not, assuming he just meant he was going to be slapping my bum a bit again which, as I said, I don’t mind him doing. Then everything seemed to happen really quickly and he grabbed my hair and pretty much lifted me up by it. He then kept choking me, slapping and pinching and biting me all over and picking me up and throwing he back on the bed, dragging me by my hair and really, really hurting me. He had sex with me incredibly roughly too. I started crying while he was having sex with me and trying to ask him to stop but everytime I tried to say something he choked me or put his hand in my mouth.

As soon as he finished he said that he didn’t mean to make me cry but he had to go away for a few days and he’d see me soon. As if I was crying because he had to leave and not because he’d just really hurt me.

I have bite marks and scratches all over me, I’m absolutely covered in bruises and I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bladder infection as I’m so sore when I urinate. I don’t know what happened or why he suddenly did this. He’s never seemed to want to hurt me before and even when he was doing it he seemed to be saying things that made it sound like he thought I was enjoying it.

It’s like the person I thought I knew didn’t exist. I don’t understand why he’d wait so long if this is what he wanted to do or if he genuinely thought that I’d enjoy basically being beaten up and suffocated.

He hasn’t really been in contact other than to say his flight landed and a few photos of where he is. He hasn’t asked me how I am or made any mention of the fact that yesterday morning he had hurt almost every part of my body.

I don’t know what to say to him. There’s no way I can have sex with him again as he terrified me. I don’t want to have sex with someone who wants to physically injure me.

We had a really nice few days together and then he turned into a different person and I don’t know what to do.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP. There is nothing for you to feel ashamed or embarassed about. He did something very wrong, and that reflects on him.

And as others have said, this has nothing to do with kink. Someone who has a kink for rough sex will responsibly discuss it in detail in advance, establishing boundaries. They will then test little things, bit by bit, checking constantly how things are feeling and whether it is right for you both. Also when it is going on, it will be clear that both parties are aroused and into it. At any hint they are not, a good partner will stop and check in.

I am sorry, but This man did not care how this felt for you. At best He was dangerously oblivious, but more likely he was perfectly conscious He was assaulting you. He escalated to so quickly he could not possibly have believed you wanted or were expecting it. He actively stopped you from expressing yourself. And he picked very early in the morning, when your defenses were down, and he could leave straight after without dealing with how you felt.

Please please don't blame yourself. This is all on him. Most important, please please break all contact with him. Right now. As women, we often blame ourselves, tell ourselves we misunderstood, or got it wrong, or they didn't mean it, or they deserve another chance or it would be mean to cut them off without listening etc. bollocks to that. You owe him nothing. Please protect yourself and break all contact. Again, I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I’m so sorry this happened to you. He didn’t think you wanted it. He assaulted you. He blurred your boundaries with the slapping in a gradual build up, and then assaulted you when you were defenceless to stop him.

There was NO consent for this. But even if there were, the law was changed to say that consensual rough sex is NOT a defence to causing actual bodily harm. You CANNOT legally consent to actual bodily harm or injury.

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-abuse-bill-2020-factsheets/consent-to-serious-harm-for-sexual-gratification-not-a-defence#:~:text=a%20defendant%20is%20unable%20to,rough%20sex%20gone%20wrong'%20defence.

I know it would be so hard to go to the police, but please consider it. This man sounds very dangerous.

Please confide in somebody close to you, or one of the suggested helplines. Sending you strength and love to get through this.

Please don't feel stupid or embarrassed. You did nothing wrong, you weren't to know he was going to launch a violent attack on you. He assaulted you, physically and sexually. I feel sick reading what he did to you. Please don't turn your feelings against yourself. Turn your feelings against him. He showed his true colours I'm afraid. Just end the relationship, there's no going back from this. So sorry, OP

I’m so sorry my love. Do you have a friend or family member who can support you through this? Whatever you decide please remember you did nothing wrong x

You haven't been stupid and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. And don't ask yourself 'why he thought you wanted it' because he didn't think you wanted it. He knew full well that you didn't, which is why he didn't discuss it with you properly. He knew that if he'd said 'Can I hit you, bite you, choke you and hurt you sexually' you would have said 'No, and get the fuck away from me because you're insane'. He deliberately created the association of a playful smack on the bum with the word 'rough' in order to trick you into saying you didn't him being 'rough'.

FWIW, it's not remotely standard to call a bit of spanking that makes someone giggle as 'rough'. He definitely used that word on purpose as part of his plan to assault you. I also think it was no accident that he choose 5am when you were half asleep and he was about to leave for a business trip to attack you. He did that because he knew you'd be half asleep and he knew that he would have a reason to get away immediately afterwards. He thought this through. Totally premeditated.

There is no way you could possibly have suspected he would do this; you haven't been stupid AT ALL.

If I was you I’d go to the police. He could be arrested for none fatal strangulation and sexual assault, even if you don’t want to see it through it can be on file for when he does it to someone else, and it sends a clear message to never contact or come hear you again

You poor sweetheart.

Absolutely, with priority, call a rape crisis helpline. You need support and care right now. You weren't silly at all. Not at all. This was all him.

Let the rape crisis people guide you. Focus on your own body and your own care first, but please do that by seeking professional support asap.

You were raped and that was a crime. Your body is yours and is valuable and important because it belongs to you. 💖

You should do a Claire’s law check on him! And report him.

He did not think you wanted it.

He knew you did not want it.

he stopped you from speaking.

He has always been like this.

It (his action) has nothing to do with you and all to do with him.

Be very clear about that.

This is shocking I’m so sad this has happened to you. Please please go to the police. This man is dangerous. Agree take lots of pictures and retain notes as documented evidence of what happened.
The police have specialist trained officers to deal with this type of offence. They will be kind and understanding with you. Failing that use the link to the sexual assault referral centre. Keep yourself safe.
sending love and strength to get through this. Please do not meet with this man again.

Agree with @Thepossibility he was waiting to do this. You didnt know what he was really like.
Never contact me again, psycho. And delete and block and change locks. Lock your social media down.

You know what to do, you never see him again. If he tries to force it, tell him you are ringing the police and to leave you alone.

Please reach out for some help, you can't deal with this on your own hun. I can only imagine how terrifying that was. Please phone rape crisis, or the police. You need someone to help you, and you need medical help too.

That's not a kink or a fetish, he is a rapist and he could have killed you. He's an animal. Don't take pity on him because he has kids, he's dangerous.

Oh gosh this is absolutely awful to read, I’m so sorry this happened to you OP.

Sounds like he’s been masquerading to draw you in, and has now shown his real (violent) intentions.

Seek help. Report to the police. Good luck.

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I hadn’t considered for a second it might be rape. I don’t know what to think.

“You mention that he'd admitted some fetish stuff in the past but honestly, what you're describing isn't anything fetish related. There was no discussion of fantasies or gradual build-up to establish what you were comfortable with. Someone into BDSM (I am not one of those people, but I do know quite a bit about it) would typically be incredibly careful and responsible with boundaries and consent. Nobody, NOBODY, would equate spanking a partner on the bum with what he did. Nobody would even equate more extreme BDSM fetish stuff with what he did. This man doesn't have a fetish and this wasn't a 'rough' sex game even in his head. He's just a violent, sick piece of shit.”

Absolutely this and I speak as someone who has some direct experience of BDSM. With BDSM done properly, the ultimate power is in the hands of the submissive who can withdraw their consent at any time. This guy is a completely sick fucker who clearly hates women and is incredibly dangerous to them. He could have killed you. Given the ferocity of what he did, as a PP hinted, I think it’s possible he already is a killer. In any case, he’s a violent rapist.

Take photos. Get yourself checked out at hospital or the doctor, if you can face it. You can then decide what you want to do with that evidence. Speak to the police if you can face it. I wouldn’t send him a text asking why he raped you. It’s probably not safe for you to confront him; better for the police to be involved, I think.

This is entirely on him.

I think I need to go to the doctor as I’m pretty sure I’ve got a bladder infection but I also think he might have done some real damage to me that I think needs to be checked by a gynaecologist. I can’t even bring myself to type what he did so I don’t know how I could tell a doctor though.

I’m lying in bed next to my little boy at the moment and I don’t understand how everything went so wrong so quickly.

I'm so sorry you've been through this.

Please get him out of your life, dump, block, delete.

I appreciate you don't feel you can speak to a doctor. Could you make the appointment and write it all down and hand that to the doctor at the appointment?

You poor thing. Definitely get medical assistance as soon as possible and don’t hold back because of embarrassment. Unfortunately, gynaecologists are not unfamiliar with injuries from rape. A family member also had to get treatment as well.

OP I do get it. You don’t know what to think.

This man who has been so kind etc has suddenly gone a bit weird, hasn’t he. Totally out of character?

GP will be a good starting point. Great idea from a pp to write it down and hand it over.

Also, IME the police can be really quite supportive if you let them. They do genuinely want people to come forward.

And dump him. Obviously.

If you have a local GUM clinic, they're excellent if you can't face your GP

There's a lot of really good information here

www.nhs.uk/live-well/sexual-health/help-after-rape-and-sexual-assault/

If you can then take some photos, save any clothes and write down or record a video with what happened, you can show it then without having to say it and it's also fresh in your mind at the minute

Also if you go via a sexual assault referral centre, they can do all the exams etc and you don't have to report it at that point but they will store everything

I am so, so sorry this happened to you. It will be awful to go into details with a doctor and/or the police but please try to take into account that he needs to be legally charged and dealt with because of what he's done to you. This is on him. This is in no way a reflection of you. Take the fucker down. He needs to pay for this.