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Original poster

Separation - ex wants to separate the kids

56 replies

RBush22 · 05/09/2024 21:31

Hi all,

I just tried to constructively discuss plans for separation with my partner. We have one 3 year old daughter and a 10 month old son. I am completely shocked by what he said.

He told me that he would like to take care of our son along with his mum and that I should care for our daughter. He has a rocky relationship with DD - he is an absent father and it’s starting to show. He’s making a bit more effort with DS since he’s been born but I cannot believe he offered to split them up.

Second, he told me that I am not the primary carer but ‘a worker’ and that he is in prime position to care for them. I go back to work soon after maternity leave but I have always done their bedtimes, I go to parents evenings alone, school tours alone etc. he has rental income and no other job. I fund all their food, clothes and now a nanny as I can’t rely on him to care for either of them.

We are separating on financial grounds mainly - he has rental income but wastes a lot on gambling and he defaulted on last term’s nursery fees.

Does he appear as completely unreasonable or does he have a point?!

OP posts:
SendMeHomeNow · 05/09/2024 21:33

He’s being utterly ridiculous. Get advice asap, maybe start with women’s aid.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 05/09/2024 21:34

Yeah. The answer is no. No court will agree to that. It's madness

Riverhillhouse · 05/09/2024 21:34

He sounds delusional to be honest! What a nightmare for you having to deal with this. I agree with the above poster to get some legal advice though.

HappyHedgehog247 · 05/09/2024 21:35

Don't agree to this. Get legal advice asap.

Lweji · 05/09/2024 21:36

It can't be the best for the children to be separated from each other.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 05/09/2024 21:36

He’s an arsehole, and I’d tell him that separating the dc isn’t up for discussion.

however, if he’s not working and is at home all day he could possibly claim that he is the primary carer.

Ineffable23 · 05/09/2024 21:37

Do not agree and I would get legal advice as soon as possible. That's parent trap levels of insanity.

negomi90 · 05/09/2024 21:37

Legal advice ASAP. If he's texted/emailed you this info, keep it as evidence.
And he has a difficult relationship with a 3yo and is going to write them off. What the flying F? He needs to put the effort in. She's 3. Any relationship issues are completely down to him.

Freeme31 · 05/09/2024 21:38

Get legal advice asap

SonicTheHodgeheg · 05/09/2024 21:38

No court would agree with this.

Original poster
RBush22 · 05/09/2024 21:40

negomi90 · 05/09/2024 21:37

Legal advice ASAP. If he's texted/emailed you this info, keep it as evidence.
And he has a difficult relationship with a 3yo and is going to write them off. What the flying F? He needs to put the effort in. She's 3. Any relationship issues are completely down to him.

Thank you - completely this. He’s trying to write her off and that’s been a trend the past few months. I really worry he wouldn’t care for her properly if he had both kids. He favours the son but also as a baby he cannot speak yet but my daughter openly badmouths him.

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 05/09/2024 21:42

It never ceases to amaze me how utterly bonkers some grown adults are.

Tell him to take you to court, that’ll work for him🤣

Original poster
RBush22 · 05/09/2024 21:43

StarDolphins · 05/09/2024 21:42

It never ceases to amaze me how utterly bonkers some grown adults are.

Tell him to take you to court, that’ll work for him🤣

Thank you - I told him to get a lawyer and to enjoy his evening. I feel more certain than ever that we need to separate.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 21:45

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 05/09/2024 21:36

He’s an arsehole, and I’d tell him that separating the dc isn’t up for discussion.

however, if he’s not working and is at home all day he could possibly claim that he is the primary carer.

Surely proof that the op is paying for a nanny whilst he is claiming to do this shows he's not the primary carer, and on the contrary, he's absolutely useless?

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 21:47

Goodness, of course you need to separate!! Absolute no brainer. At least he's saved you the bother.

livelovelough24 · 05/09/2024 21:47

Wow, father of the year right? Picks and chooses which kid he will take care of. I agree with all the posters. First, get legal advice if you can afford it. Two, no court will separate two small kids like that. Three, they will not think he is primary caregiver. The worst thing that can happen is shared custody, 50/50 for both kids.

Antiperspirant · 05/09/2024 21:48

What in the parent trap is he on about. Split the kids? No way.

livelovelough24 · 05/09/2024 21:48

RBush22 · 05/09/2024 21:43

Thank you - I told him to get a lawyer and to enjoy his evening. I feel more certain than ever that we need to separate.

Show quote history

OMG! Definitely not a keeper.

Original poster
RBush22 · 05/09/2024 21:51

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 21:45

Surely proof that the op is paying for a nanny whilst he is claiming to do this shows he's not the primary carer, and on the contrary, he's absolutely useless?

Show quote history

Yes my logic too. I cannot leave them in the care of him - I am forking out on a nanny but cannot do so beyond December. If he is willing to write off my daughter in a separation, I worry about his ability to care for her alone.

OP posts:
YellowRollercoaster · 05/09/2024 21:52

This might work in your favour if he goes ahead and suggests this to the court, Op.

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 21:57

If you can only afford to pay the nanny till December op, then you need to get an absolute wriggle on with this.

You need to get proof of how he is with your dd too, as it sounds like he will treat her as second best to your son.

I would go for gathering the evidence so that he gets near to zero time with them both.

Original poster
RBush22 · 05/09/2024 22:03

arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 21:57

If you can only afford to pay the nanny till December op, then you need to get an absolute wriggle on with this.

You need to get proof of how he is with your dd too, as it sounds like he will treat her as second best to your son.

I would go for gathering the evidence so that he gets near to zero time with them both.

Thank you - I have been trying to gather evidence the last few months. He will treat her as second best no doubt in my mind. I plan to leave with them both to my mums house in January but it means pulling her out of her nursery and he’s not consenting. But I have tonnes of reasons why it’s the right thing to do. He is threatening court so I will see if he will stop me with court.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 05/09/2024 22:10

Is he a bit thick op? I'd keep quiet about it but I can't imagine
'I don't have a job so I'm the primary carer'
'Actually we have a nanny and used nursery as despite having no job, he was incapable of caring for our children'
Would result in any judge granting him the custody.

Aliciainwunderland · 05/09/2024 22:16

Did he watch the parent trap or something?? This is bonkers and suspect lawyers and mediators will agree.