Separation - ex wants to separate the kids

[RBush22]

Hi all,

I just tried to constructively discuss plans for separation with my partner. We have one 3 year old daughter and a 10 month old son. I am completely shocked by what he said.

He told me that he would like to take care of our son along with his mum and that I should care for our daughter. He has a rocky relationship with DD - he is an absent father and it’s starting to show. He’s making a bit more effort with DS since he’s been born but I cannot believe he offered to split them up.

Second, he told me that I am not the primary carer but ‘a worker’ and that he is in prime position to care for them. I go back to work soon after maternity leave but I have always done their bedtimes, I go to parents evenings alone, school tours alone etc. he has rental income and no other job. I fund all their food, clothes and now a nanny as I can’t rely on him to care for either of them.

We are separating on financial grounds mainly - he has rental income but wastes a lot on gambling and he defaulted on last term’s nursery fees.

Does he appear as completely unreasonable or does he have a point?!

He's also a narcissist, and he's already established a golden child and scapegoat dynamic. He has also completely devalued his daughter.

Be very careful here. The damage he will do to the children is immeasurable.

Thank you, I was looking for this term - yes I agree, a complete narcissist. In all areas of his life, hence the separation.

What a repulsive individual. He wants to take a 10 month old baby from his mother and separate siblings?! Has he put that in writing or just said this to you verbally? Get him to put it in an email or text so you can “understand what he’s proposing” then you have evidence for a judge about what a complete nutter he is. He can’t then claim you misunderstood or twisted his words. No court would allow this in these circumstances. He’s barking mad.

He said it to me verbally but I followed up in writing to confirm how I thought it was hurtful and unreasonable and he never replied. Plus he later on sent me a message saying I should move out and that his mum will help look after the kids.

Do you think this is something courts would look at when deciding custody? I do have picture/video evidence of him portraying this very dynamic. This was one of my main reasons for getting a nanny for when I go back to work and not letting him be a SAHD…

Hire a solicitor and go from there.