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Original poster

Separation - ex wants to separate the kids

56 replies

RBush22 · 05/09/2024 21:31

Hi all,

I just tried to constructively discuss plans for separation with my partner. We have one 3 year old daughter and a 10 month old son. I am completely shocked by what he said.

He told me that he would like to take care of our son along with his mum and that I should care for our daughter. He has a rocky relationship with DD - he is an absent father and it’s starting to show. He’s making a bit more effort with DS since he’s been born but I cannot believe he offered to split them up.

Second, he told me that I am not the primary carer but ‘a worker’ and that he is in prime position to care for them. I go back to work soon after maternity leave but I have always done their bedtimes, I go to parents evenings alone, school tours alone etc. he has rental income and no other job. I fund all their food, clothes and now a nanny as I can’t rely on him to care for either of them.

We are separating on financial grounds mainly - he has rental income but wastes a lot on gambling and he defaulted on last term’s nursery fees.

Does he appear as completely unreasonable or does he have a point?!

OP posts:
Spenditlikebeckham · 05/09/2024 22:18

No judge would support his plan. Sibling relationships rank extremely highly in their decision making....
Ime.

Aprilmaymum · 05/09/2024 22:21

This would not be allowed to happen. The children will be kept together. The only time I have seen this happen is when a relative of mine spilt when the DC were 14 and 16 and the boy wanted to live with his Dad and the girl her mum. This was a mutual agreement between both parents though and the children saw each other regularly.
get a Brief and ignore his threats

spaceshooter · 05/09/2024 22:31

Jesus Christ do not let this man do this to you and your children.

mathanxiety · 05/09/2024 22:33

Absolutely no to this insane idea.

mathanxiety · 05/09/2024 22:36

I actually think this idea should be grounds for not letting him near either of the children except maybe under close supervision.

He only likes the baby now because the baby presumably says Dadadada and babbles, has no opinions about much, and hasn't learned the word No. When the baby is 2 and up, STBX will discard him.

Theunamedcat · 05/09/2024 22:36

You need to figure out how to pay for the nanny beyond December

Original poster
RBush22 · 05/09/2024 22:44

mathanxiety · 05/09/2024 22:36

I actually think this idea should be grounds for not letting him near either of the children except maybe under close supervision.

He only likes the baby now because the baby presumably says Dadadada and babbles, has no opinions about much, and hasn't learned the word No. When the baby is 2 and up, STBX will discard him.

Thank you and so true. This will very very likely happen. I will use this if need be.

OP posts:
junerella · 05/09/2024 22:56

How do you have a "rocky relationship" with a three year old? They're more toddler than child.

Starlightstarbright3 · 05/09/2024 23:04

Get proper legal advise . I would get out sooner rather than later too ..

Original poster
RBush22 · 06/09/2024 07:28

junerella · 05/09/2024 22:56

How do you have a "rocky relationship" with a three year old? They're more toddler than child.

He has basically written her off as she is rude to him and very attached to me.

OP posts:
SD1978 · 06/09/2024 07:34

Yes he's delusional- however I'm co fused by parents evenings and school tours when your oldest child is 3

Newbutoldfather · 06/09/2024 07:44

His idea is ridiculous and it is disgusting that he has written off a three year old.

What I do find a little concerning, though, is that you seem to accept that your daughter openly bad mouths him and this is to be respected. My son went through a real ‘daddy’ phase age 3 saying ‘no mummy, only daddy’ etc. My ex wife and I worked together to make sure he learned that both parents loved him equally and that attitude was not acceptable.

It is really not good to alienate a child from one parent (although, bizarrely, your partner seems to be doing a pretty good job himself).

solice84 · 06/09/2024 08:01

SD1978 · 06/09/2024 07:34

Yes he's delusional- however I'm co fused by parents evenings and school tours when your oldest child is 3

My ds started school yday and I was doing school tours last year when he was still 3. He turned 4 in January
Also had parents evenings at his nursery

MountainsAndSheep · 06/09/2024 08:20

You are not being unreasonable- this is an outrageous request. If nothing else, how damaging for the mental health and self esteem of your daughter. How will she feel knowing her Dad ‘didn’t want her’? I’m speaking from experience when I say that this will hurt her and affect her self esteem for the rest of her life xx

Enko · 06/09/2024 09:03

My parents did this. I remained with my mother and brother and much older sister with our dad. The result is I am in this odd position of being a single child whom has siblings. My parents were also very poor at managing visits from the non resident child. Result was when my brother visited our mother you would think the world had stopped turning. All was done to accommodate him. When I visited our father he was adamant it was "just an ordinary day" result was I grew up feeling neither of our parents felt I was worth much. Has taken me a lot.of counselling to get through.

I'm in my 50s our father is ailing and my sister doesn't understand why I don't speak with him more often. Basically you reep what you sow. I do not have a close relationship with my father as he did not put the effort in.

Op see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. However be aware that as your stbx is currently at home even with the nanny they may well deem him primary carer. This is why you need a solicitor.. he will likely end up wanting 50 50 care. Also be prepared for this..

If he is not willing to allow you to move your dd in January speak with the solicitor about this as he could get a prohibited steps order to make it so you can't do so without agreement.

As you get further down the lane ensure that the order you come to is fully covering. So where drops up occur who does them. What schooling is agreed on what to do if you disagree. Holidays abroad. Who has passport etc..

Original poster
RBush22 · 06/09/2024 09:10

MountainsAndSheep · 06/09/2024 08:20

You are not being unreasonable- this is an outrageous request. If nothing else, how damaging for the mental health and self esteem of your daughter. How will she feel knowing her Dad ‘didn’t want her’? I’m speaking from experience when I say that this will hurt her and affect her self esteem for the rest of her life xx

Thank you. It was not just the comment that he wants to leave DD with me - in the past he has commented on her appearance saying she was ‘podgy’. He always favours DS in the presence of both of them. Whenever she cries, he will tell her to be quiet so that DS doesn’t get distressed.

OP posts:
Original poster
RBush22 · 06/09/2024 09:14

Newbutoldfather · 06/09/2024 07:44

His idea is ridiculous and it is disgusting that he has written off a three year old.

What I do find a little concerning, though, is that you seem to accept that your daughter openly bad mouths him and this is to be respected. My son went through a real ‘daddy’ phase age 3 saying ‘no mummy, only daddy’ etc. My ex wife and I worked together to make sure he learned that both parents loved him equally and that attitude was not acceptable.

It is really not good to alienate a child from one parent (although, bizarrely, your partner seems to be doing a pretty good job himself).

I definitely don’t think it’s acceptable but I also disagree with shutting her up if she’s trying to express something. She used to say that she found him ‘scary’ and he used to say things like ‘oh my relationship with her will only get worse if she continues like this’. Essentially giving up on her. He would ask me to say that it’s not acceptable to badmouth him which I did.

OP posts:
Spenditlikebeckham · 06/09/2024 09:45

Actually this will work for you. He is showing dislike for your dd because she prefers you/is like you (?) . .. His utter hatred for you will go against him in court....

ACynicalDad · 06/09/2024 09:53

If you have two young kids this is crazy, it would be odd at any time, but if you say had a 16 year old a 3 and a 5 year old and he was a decent guy the elder one knew what he wanted etc. But in the scenario you mention, that's mad. Not happening. Lawyer up.

PhoebeFeels · 09/09/2024 09:18

This antagonism to you and DD is it because of a different Culture or a Religion that is not western Christian. Or is he just a misogynist?

LadyDanburysHat · 09/09/2024 09:32

When you said your daughter was badmouthing him, do you just mean when she was saying she is scared of him? That is not badmouthing, that is a young child expressing her feelings.

Original poster
RBush22 · 09/09/2024 11:45

PhoebeFeels · 09/09/2024 09:18

This antagonism to you and DD is it because of a different Culture or a Religion that is not western Christian. Or is he just a misogynist?

Sadly just a misogynist...

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 09/09/2024 11:55

Stop trying to understand or explain his behavior. Its simply misogynistic, and evil. Its outright sick.

Get a shit hot solicitor and either separate or divorce, whichever gives you more leverage. Keep a record of every abusive, hostilething he says or does to your dd. Stop arguing with him or trying to get him to see your point. Don't discourage him from trying to separate the two children because if that is the tackhe takes its going to make him look terrible in court. Just proceed with a regular divorce and financial arrangement and try to get more than 50/50 on both children. Tell him if he lets you keep bith children he is free to start another family. Maybe he will let go of this one.

mathanxiety · 09/09/2024 16:46

Newbutoldfather · 06/09/2024 07:44

His idea is ridiculous and it is disgusting that he has written off a three year old.

What I do find a little concerning, though, is that you seem to accept that your daughter openly bad mouths him and this is to be respected. My son went through a real ‘daddy’ phase age 3 saying ‘no mummy, only daddy’ etc. My ex wife and I worked together to make sure he learned that both parents loved him equally and that attitude was not acceptable.

It is really not good to alienate a child from one parent (although, bizarrely, your partner seems to be doing a pretty good job himself).

That "unacceptable attitude" is a normal part of a child's development. You should have done a little reading before you let insecurities guide the response to this normal and completely predictable (and predictably transient) preference. It's troubling that your child may have been shamed for this.

Also, there is a chasm of difference between a child calling daddy a stinky poo poo head or flouncing around saying "I don't like you" and a child saying she's scared of daddy.

Dogdaysareoverihope · 09/09/2024 16:50

YellowRollercoaster · 05/09/2024 21:52

This might work in your favour if he goes ahead and suggests this to the court, Op.

Agree. I think don’t disabuse him of this notion and let him explain his thinking to a judge.

I’m guessing he’s the type who will represent himself