Is he cheating what should I do

[Mumofdolls]

hi, my heart is pumping out my chest as I write this down. I’m embarrassed, hurt, and don’t know who to talk too.

2 years ago I suspected my partner of 20 years was cheating as he was acting strange so I stalked his Facebook. I saw he was friends with a mum from school he was love hearting her very filtered selfies and she was hearting his work photos ( like the views etc) I said nothing as that’s not proof of anything then one day her partner friend requested me on Snapchat. I thought that was strange I didnt add him because I think I was scared of why he added me. I’m so stupid I know!! Anyway dp started saying some strange requests to me like he kept saying I would love you to get your nipples pierced and other weird sex stuff. Bizarre im 43 no interest in what he was asking. Then standing at school pick up I notice her standing with her big pierced nips! Few weeks later her partner is at pick up and I’m with dp he grabs my hand starts acting all lovey and etc I’m thinking is this for his benefit. There is lots of other stupid things like this so I confront him over my suspicions and he says he never knew he was fb friends with her I show him the hearts in the thirst trap photos of course it’s been a mistake he says. I don’t have proof of anything but my gut is telling me there is something. Fast forward to now he’s started getting jealous of everything I do if I’m out with friends he’s driving round town, or he’s making crappy comments on my clothes as if I’m out looking for another man. Keeps telling me multiple times a day how much he loves me or he’s being quite mean with horrible like sarcastic comments always alluding to me not loving him.and it’s suffocating. We have mutual friends that have stopped talking to him and he says they are weird but I think they know something as they chat to me and put head down when he is around. The ow works in a shop near my work when I go in she practically runs out the back to hang around where I am in the shop her behaviour is another reason my gut is telling me something is off. On Saturday night this ow sister in law bee lined for me she works at my children’s school was drunk and started saying oh families are the worst and how disappointed she was in her brother and how she had fell out with them and he moved his daughter out the school etc but she can’t say anything because of her job but next year when my child (and she names my child)moves into big school she can say something. I never asked I walked away without questioning I didn’t know what to say or ask because I too embarrassed to say why when my dad leaves or what is it you think is wrong I’m so embarrassed if he has cheated on me with this horror. Now stupid me is thinking does she think I have done something with the brother because he sent me a friend request. Is this all in my head. I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends as they all think he worships the ground I walk on. I don’t know where to turn or if I am even sane at this moment in time. What would you do I’m sorry this probably sounds like nothing. But I feel sick all the time the not knowing is driving me insane.

He's getting jealous because he's projecting. He's projecting because he's either having an actual affair with this woman or that's his intention.

How difficult would it be to end it with him?

It doesn't sound like nothing. It does indeed sound like he's cheating. He's also extremely controlling and manipulative.
I'm afraid it's another leave the bastard situation. You aren't happy, so don't waste more of your precious life on this loser.

Exactly. Also, jealousy is a means to control her.

Hi it would be very difficult, I think he will make my life a misery I’m scared of what my future will be in both these scenarios. He is the main earner. have a job but it’s not one I can pick up extra hours etc it’s fixed hours and term time. I could try get a second job and I don’t care about materialistic things so I don’t care what I walk away with. But part of me is thinking I should maybe open a separate bank account and transfer my savings and money over just now incase anything happens before I expect it too. We have adult children that have just left home and younger children at home.

Feel sick how can I waste so many years of my life being a good partner I gave up a lot for him to be treated like this.

I think you are right about the trying to control and manipulate. I’m not a weak person usually quite the opposite but i honestly feel so down and have never questioned myself so much ever.

Finance shouldn’t be a reason to be in a relationship, kids might be. I think you should talk to him about it when you’re calm, presumably you have figured out his tells when he’s lying. Perhaps talk to her partner, hard to judge that one.

It sounds like he is cheating. How could you tell she had pierced nipples on the school run?

Literally the most see though too and no bra

Finance is definitely not a deal breaker for me. Like I said I’m not a materialistic person I’m a saver and have a good nest egg that he wouldn’t take as although we have joint bank accounts I have inheritance that was left to me last year in there and he wouldn’t want it he would be respectful in that sense.

Here is what I find difficult is that when he is being a good guy he really is a good guy is a brilliant dad. But right now he’s not being great partner. And I don’t think I can get over betrayal.

Whose house is it? Even if he's not banging the woman he sounds like a shit boyfriend, best dumped.

Joint.

@ActualChips

why are you trying to downgrade her partnership 20 years & at least 4 kids, who she may separate with.

to a boyfriend she can just dump??

@Mumofdolls

I think he probably has cheated on you, with her.

possibly he regrets it, but also misses the attention (swapping his behaviour towards you)

I think, whether he has or not, he's killed your marriage. Dead. And you'd be far better to separate with him.

Don't do you or your kids a disservice and settle for less! You'll be the housing them, raising them. Paying all the bills & everything else

get legal advice & don't assume he'll behave decently re providing for the kids or your inheritance.

I must have read a different OP because I cant see much going on tbh.

1. they became facebook friends
2. he sometimes says are you cheating
3. he asked whether you wiukd consider getting your nipples pierced.
4. she might have hers pierced (you dont know 100% for certain).

At worst they might have exchanged some pics. Other than that he seems a bit of an arsehole, and you have an over active imagination.

MOVE THE MONEY NOW

I cannot stress this enough.

First thing is move your money, he's not "respectful", move it so it's safe for you and your DC.
You know he's got something going on with the ow, you just don't want to face it, the future is scary after 20 yrs together but please have a serious think about what would make you happy, you're clearly not happy now.
He sounds fuckin horrendous

She definitely had them big ole nips pierced that’s extremely obvious.
somethings changed how he acts how he is in bed things he’s doing he never did before. And what’s the kicker is her sister in law cornering me telling me that families are a nightmare that she’s fallen out with her brother an this woman when my child leaves school next year she can talk about what’s happened as it’s not professional to say anything just now. What does that mean?

Thanks you are right I don’t think I want to face it. I’m embarrassed and ashamed there is lots more to the story but it would take too long to write in the original post. But I don’t think articulated it very well either I just blurted it down now I feel stupid.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It's horrible of him.

(Please will you quote people when you're replying to them)

Thanks you for point out the quote it’s my first post I don’t know that’s what I was supposed to do. X

Absolutely open your own account and put all your money in it. Don't tell him about it. See and lawyer and don't tell him about that yet either.
Do not have sex with him as you may get an STI. Get yourself tested for STIs.
If you only have joint credit cards, apply for one in your own name.

Thanks for the advice. I have been thinking std test is something I need to do.

You’re not going mad it does sound like he has cheated. Can you not get a look at his phone?