Is he cheating what should I do

[Mumofdolls]

hi, my heart is pumping out my chest as I write this down. I’m embarrassed, hurt, and don’t know who to talk too.

2 years ago I suspected my partner of 20 years was cheating as he was acting strange so I stalked his Facebook. I saw he was friends with a mum from school he was love hearting her very filtered selfies and she was hearting his work photos ( like the views etc) I said nothing as that’s not proof of anything then one day her partner friend requested me on Snapchat. I thought that was strange I didnt add him because I think I was scared of why he added me. I’m so stupid I know!! Anyway dp started saying some strange requests to me like he kept saying I would love you to get your nipples pierced and other weird sex stuff. Bizarre im 43 no interest in what he was asking. Then standing at school pick up I notice her standing with her big pierced nips! Few weeks later her partner is at pick up and I’m with dp he grabs my hand starts acting all lovey and etc I’m thinking is this for his benefit. There is lots of other stupid things like this so I confront him over my suspicions and he says he never knew he was fb friends with her I show him the hearts in the thirst trap photos of course it’s been a mistake he says. I don’t have proof of anything but my gut is telling me there is something. Fast forward to now he’s started getting jealous of everything I do if I’m out with friends he’s driving round town, or he’s making crappy comments on my clothes as if I’m out looking for another man. Keeps telling me multiple times a day how much he loves me or he’s being quite mean with horrible like sarcastic comments always alluding to me not loving him.and it’s suffocating. We have mutual friends that have stopped talking to him and he says they are weird but I think they know something as they chat to me and put head down when he is around. The ow works in a shop near my work when I go in she practically runs out the back to hang around where I am in the shop her behaviour is another reason my gut is telling me something is off. On Saturday night this ow sister in law bee lined for me she works at my children’s school was drunk and started saying oh families are the worst and how disappointed she was in her brother and how she had fell out with them and he moved his daughter out the school etc but she can’t say anything because of her job but next year when my child (and she names my child)moves into big school she can say something. I never asked I walked away without questioning I didn’t know what to say or ask because I too embarrassed to say why when my dad leaves or what is it you think is wrong I’m so embarrassed if he has cheated on me with this horror. Now stupid me is thinking does she think I have done something with the brother because he sent me a friend request. Is this all in my head. I’m too embarrassed to tell my friends as they all think he worships the ground I walk on. I don’t know where to turn or if I am even sane at this moment in time. What would you do I’m sorry this probably sounds like nothing. But I feel sick all the time the not knowing is driving me insane.

Don't assume this. Money makes people nasty and if that doesn't the fact he's hurting might and he could take half the money to spite you

Move your savings etc into an account he can't access asap. Trust your gut OP, he'll try and make you feel like you're the jealous and unreasonable one, it's just gaslighting. Tell him calmly you know what he's done and if he were a decent person who respects you, he should tell you the truth. Get your ducks in a row and make a plan for separation.

What? There is no legal status or protections in place, by choice, so yes? ‘Partner’ and ‘boyfriend’ both mean the same thing: nothing at all, legally.

Wtf are yous doing on Snapchat in your 40s???

Whenever I read on here about men cheating the first thing that is said to the OP is to get an STD test.

Are there that many pox-riddled women out there then ??

I have 2 teens literally the only time they answer my messages are by Snapchat but thanks for the help. Apps can be used by any age

Yes we are not married something I’ve never wanted for personal reasons.

i wouldn’t get the chance unless he was sleeping tbh he is either working or out he plays sports so is out most nights and weekends playing in tournaments.

I think you already know he's cheating.

I'm so sorry. Don't put your head in the sand. You have deal with this for your sake and the sake of your kids.

I'm so sorry. 😢

You sound in denial. I would speak to the sister and find out what she meant. She wanted to tell you something. He is projecting and being manipulative. He wants you to not suspect so acts lovey. But then he wants her so he puts you down. My ex was similar with an emotional affair. Lies and weird behaviour, also firstly obvious on sm. I would also move your money you may think he wouldn’t do that but people change particularly in hurtful circumstances.

It sounds like he's cheated but the fear of getting nearly caught has put a stop to it temporarily.

I don't think the sister in law is accusing you. But she knows something that could tear everything apart and she's waiting for you child to move into secondary school so that they're older and mentally stronger perhaps?

The pickup where her partners there think he was trying to make her jealous because he felt jealous.

He's starting to get jealous of you because what he is accusing you of he's doing those things. He's probably cheated sorry to say. Cheaters always accuse their innocent partner of doing their sin.

Think your friends know too.

First step is to move the money and keep yourself safe. Then make a plan to exit whenever it feels right

Well his behaviour has all the markers of cheating.

Her behaviour has all the markers of guilt and avoidance.

Her partner sending you a friend request (I can't believe someone questioned the platform - unbelievable!), the cryptic comments about there being things you can be told once your children have left school for professional reasons and the reaction of your friends - well, it doesn't look good does it?

Whether they've had a full blown affair (or even just ad hoc sex) or just exchanged photos (which is unlikely given his new found sex moves) there definitely isn't 'nothing' going on.

I don't know how you can continue to have sex with him tbh! I couldn't and so the relationship would be over on that basis alone.

I agree with moving your money into a separate account. As you're not married, he'd have no claim to your inheritance anyway.

This is not a relationship I'd want to stay in. I think I'd be having an open and honest conversation with one of the friends I could trust at the very least tbh.

You are right. I’m scared to confront this I don’t know why I’m struggling too talk about it to even my best friend she knows about the first part him and her and the Facebook posts and my suspicions,she doesn’t think he would ever cheat as he was always talking about how much he loves me etc literally had me on a pedestal but I personally think something changed during lockdown and then after that is when the Facebook stuff happened etc

It's because, once you speak the words aloud it becomes real. It becomes something that you can't hide any more. It starts a ball rolling or a course of action that you have no control over as it gathers momentum.

That's why saying something out loud is always the beginning of the end and it's where this all ends up that scares you.

So you kick the can down the road for a other day and wait until another tomorrow.

We all do it at times. But you will feel better and stronger just from having a conversation with a friend.

Good luck.

I'd guess there's definitely something going on OP. Whether that's a full blown affair, an emotional affair or just flirting is irrelevant because all are disrespectful to you.

First thing I would do is get your savings and inheritance moved to a separate account. Protect yourself as there's no knowing how someone will behave if you decide to leave. It's good you have not married because at least that gives you some protection. I agree with getting an STD test, just for peace of mind.

Can you talk to any of these mutual friends who have stopped talking to him? It sounds like they know something. Select one who you're close to and ask them to be completely honest with you.

Give some careful thought to what you want for your future. You're only 43 which is still young. Your partner may be nice some of the time, but you say he makes horrible and sarcastic comments, which is not the behaviour of a nice man. Do you really want this for the next 30+ years? It's never easy leaving or going it alone, but so many people say it's the best thing they did. I eventually left my husband and the feeling of freedom and release from his awful ways was amazing. I should have done it years sooner.

You just sound deeply hurt and shocked. It, won’t last. You’ve reached out on here and that’s a start. I think you need to revisit your conversation with your friend. It always helps to talk in the real world. Move your money and always trust your gut. I would also ask the Snapchat man why he was asking to connect on there. He clearly knows something and I think it’s better to ask him directly than the school woman. You’ll know then. Just get your finances sort before you do anything. Being materialistic is one thing, surviving on your own is another. Get yourself organised, you’ll be glad you did.

Go and add the guy on Snapchat and have a conversation with him.

I think I'd do that too.

Older/Teenage kids, it’s handy for the maps and how they might prefer to communicate. Quite irrelevant to the issue she’s in.

Deffo cheating !!! Get rid seriously get rid he's making comments cause he's done it an his riddled guilt is eating him up an making him think your doing it when he is

I would say there's definitely something happened there. His behaviour is giving him away. Can you check his phone

You need to make provisions and get away from him.

Ive been in this position and felt exactly this!! And yes he was cheating!!! You know what you need to do!!

You need to open up to one of your friends! My friends love my bf but always 💯 have my back. Even if they can't help as such they can offer perspective, they at least see some of your life. Also as a friend I am like the FBI! I would have the entire situation mapped out in half an hour, your friends may have similar talents 🤣.

I appreciate your feeling of embarrassment and the burying your head in the sand but you need to start thinking about you! Is he cheating or planning to? You need answers and a plan for what your going to do, move that money, he's not respectful at all btw! I would also be speaking to the sister and the partner, they prob have plenty to say!

Best of luck! You've got this!