How often do you...

[ChakFreq]

Ladies, please I need some questions answered! I have no close friends who are married with a DC to ask...

How often do you and DH:
Disagree
Argue
Fight
Kiss (without it leading to sx)
Handsy fun but no sx
Have s*x

I'll go first!
Disagree daily.
Argue 1-2 times a week.
Fight 1-2 times a month.
Kiss never.
Handsy fun never.
S*x 1-2 times a week, but not during shark week.

Before DC came along 4 years ago things were even worse. We've had a roller coaster 6.5 years together, immigrating just before covid. Both had multiple job changes, and I eventually had to quit my 13 year career this Jan due to being completely burnt out, had daily headaches and stress migraines during my entire career :(

We've both been doing a lot of inner work to be the best people we can for ourselves and each other, but I still feel such a disconnection. I want physical affection without it having to lead to sx, but DH says I'm unapproachable most of the time. When he does, I can tell it's just cos he wants sx and that puts me off. During previous fights about this, he's said it's a wife's job to keep a man satisfied. And that's his way of feeling connected.
And I just feel like a hamster on a wheel, juggling so much that I don't initiate anything physical. Am I wrong to expect it to come from him more? I even explained this to him a week ago during an argument, but it turned into a fight last night...

Any advice to make things fun and exciting again, from one exhausted mama to another?

TIA ❤️

Oh and on top of all that, there's been a vasectomy and then a reversal a year later cos we decided we actually do want a second DC. It definitely worked, but we've been trying for 15 months now with no luck 😞

Sx? You can type sex, you know.

How often do you and DH:
Disagree - hardly ever with day to day things we live together and manage day to day life really well

Argue - not really, we don’t have any time too!

Fight - 1-2 times a month because of the stress off life at the moment so it all comes out in a bigger way

Kiss (without it leading to sx) - not as much as we would like

Handsy fun but no sx - every few days

Have sx - most days (mostly in the morning)

If you are arguing and fighting that often, is another child really the solution? Doesn't sound like you like each other much.

Do you mean sex?

Or sax? Are you in a jazz band?

Have you chatted to him about it btw? What's been said. Some more context might allow others to help you, rather than comparing stats with everyone. Everyone is different.

Okay-
Disagree - very rarely. Possibly every few months?
argue/fight - never. Not for any special reason, we just never have! We're very much on the same page and if we disagree we talk about it.
Kiss - everyday.
Get handsy - generally only when we are going to have sex!
Sex - 1/2 a week. Too tired for more!! 😂

Both 40, teenage kids and have been together 3 1/2 years and lived together for a year and a half. We honestly have a very close, relaxed and comfortable relationship. He's my rock and I'm his.

Disagree - hardly ever
Argue - 5 or so times in 12 years
Fight - never
Kiss (without it leading to sx) - multiple times daily
Handsy fun but no sx - not sure what you mean by this. If you mean a bit of a grope, multiple times daily
Have sx - 1/2 times a month on average.

Your relationship sounds terrible, why add another child to an already unhappy house

😂

Disagree - most days about little things
Argue - not very often actually
Fight - never had an actual fight with him lol
Kiss (without it leading to sx) - multiple times a day
Handsy fun but no sx - rarely
Have sx - most weekends

No we probably don't particularly like each other right now, but that's why I'm reaching out for advice. I want to be happily married to the man I love and trust more than anything, hence why we're still married. And I'd like my son to have a sibling.

We resolve every argument and fight by trying to understand each other's point of view, so he knows exactly how I feel.
But we both grew up around a lot of unresolved fighting, so we get triggered easily.
I'm not wanting to compare stats, I'm just looking for advice on how to shake things up.

We can bicker a little daily but not necessarily every day but always make up, kiss, handhold and cuddle daily, sex 3-4 times a week, don’t have kids together which helps though have kids from prev marriage. He stokes my hair till he falls asleep lol and we always fall asleep tangled up together. Been together 4 years so no sure if I am still in honeymoon period or if this is it forever. We do have child free weekends so we can focus on the relationship. But equally we do stuff together when we have our kids. Not sure if this helps?

What is the difference with argue and fight? I hope fight is not literal

Advice on how to shake it up would be to get some time alone and try and incorporate my physical touch into your day to day. They can be affectionate ones of slightly naughty ones as both can make you feel good / more connected. Can you get a babysitter and have a date night ? Injecting some fun and tlc into relationship will help. would your DH be onboard with this? Does he know your relationship needs some work?

Disagree - daily
Argue - 1-2 times a month
Fight - never
Kiss (without it leading to sex) - frequently
Handsy fun but no sex / Have sex - varies, but usually one or the other at least once a day.

Yes this. What do you mean by 'fight'?

@Ceejadess Arguing would be agreeing to disagree on something. Fighting is never physical! But we both get overly emotional and neither backs down (or takes control). I've found threads about difficulties in neuro divergent relationships, and we've both got PTSD. I'd say he's slightly autistic and definitely has adhd... So that explains the fights.

I get bogged down in the negatives, and can't seem to see the positives. Which there are many! He's an excellent father and so supportive of me. We've built a fantastic lives for ourselves since immigrating, with very little help from family and inspite of covid etc.
@AnonAnonmystery we do get the occasional child free night, but neither of us actually enjoy going out for dinner or anything. And we don't drink anymore. We tend to end up just catching up on housework and then feel like we have to have sex...
We just can't seem to find anything fun and exciting to do. Money is also pretty tight which doesn't help. We've only had one weekend away together in 5 years.

During previous fights about this, he's said it's a wife's job to keep a man satisfied

Christ almighty, what did you say to that? I think my fanny would have erected concrete barriers to stop him ever entering me again.

Don't have another child with this man who has so clearly revealed misogynistic views.

Eek. "Shark week" and "s*x" were already making my teeth itch, and now you've gone and added "slightly autistic" 😬

Shark week? What does that mean?

I think she means her period week.

Disagree - lightheartedly, few times a week (as in, which Lord of the Rings movie was best kind of disagreement). On minor things like what to have for tea, few times a month maybe.

Argue - Once or twice a year maybe.

Fight - Never (honestly, truly. People think I'm making it up but in 18 years we've never "fought", never screamed or shouted at eachother or swore at eachother, its just not how either of us communicate)

Kiss - Multiple times a day.

Handsy fun no sex - every day

Sex - 3-5 times a week, ish.

I'm sorry to say but your relationship sounds miserable and exhausting to me. He sounds absolutely awful.

Not husband but a long term boyfriend who needs the bin.

Disagree - every day. I could say the sky was blue and he'd say it was actually a light shade of cerulean.
Argue - only when I can be bothered to actually stand up for myself. Once a week and then he won't talk to me for a day.
Fight - we don't 'fight' but we do argue
Kiss (without it leading to sx) - only a peck maybe once a day
Handsy fun but no sx - never
Have s*x - we live together. Once a week?

Can't wait to get my degree so I can leave him lol

There is no such thing as being slightly autistic, you either are or you are not. This shows no real understanding of what ASD actually is.

I know you would like another sibling for your child but a child cannot be used here as some sort of band aid for your marriage. And women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive about their man. Do you really think he is a good father to your child given how you are treated?.