How often do you...

[ChakFreq]

Ladies, please I need some questions answered! I have no close friends who are married with a DC to ask...

How often do you and DH:
Disagree
Argue
Fight
Kiss (without it leading to sx)
Handsy fun but no sx
Have s*x

I'll go first!
Disagree daily.
Argue 1-2 times a week.
Fight 1-2 times a month.
Kiss never.
Handsy fun never.
S*x 1-2 times a week, but not during shark week.

Before DC came along 4 years ago things were even worse. We've had a roller coaster 6.5 years together, immigrating just before covid. Both had multiple job changes, and I eventually had to quit my 13 year career this Jan due to being completely burnt out, had daily headaches and stress migraines during my entire career :(

We've both been doing a lot of inner work to be the best people we can for ourselves and each other, but I still feel such a disconnection. I want physical affection without it having to lead to sx, but DH says I'm unapproachable most of the time. When he does, I can tell it's just cos he wants sx and that puts me off. During previous fights about this, he's said it's a wife's job to keep a man satisfied. And that's his way of feeling connected.
And I just feel like a hamster on a wheel, juggling so much that I don't initiate anything physical. Am I wrong to expect it to come from him more? I even explained this to him a week ago during an argument, but it turned into a fight last night...

Any advice to make things fun and exciting again, from one exhausted mama to another?

TIA ❤️

@ChakFreq try get a child free night with no housework where priority is to spend time together … maybe you could make a nice meal together and watch movie or play a game like those couples ones that get you to ask questions … its meant to nurture intimacy on emotional level. Myself and dp on our child free weekends will make dinner at home and watch something light so we can talk thougout it, we recently watched Love is Blind - it actually created Lot of talking points between us about our relationship. You sound like you are stuck in a rut and I understand as when my dc where small even having a shower was a luxury so I do appreciate I’m coming from a different place rn so I might not be helpful.

Disagree - frequently
Argue - rarely
Fight - never
Kiss (without it leading to sx) - every time he walks in the sodding room
Handsy fun but no sx - daily
Have s*x - varies from a couple of times a week to at times a couple of times a year.

Disagree - most days about almost everything
Argue - a lot, usually about or caused by my teenage dd (not his bio child)
Fight - never had a physical fight with him
Kiss (without it leading to sx) - never 😪
Handsy fun but no sx - never
Have sx - once every 6 weeks or so 😪 (I am not happy about this as I am a sexual person but he has lost libido due to meds)

Any advice to make things fun and exciting again, from one exhausted mama to another?

After 20+ years my advice is that you can't fix this unless you're both prepared to work on it. It doesn't sound like he does.

DH and I have only had one weekend away in nearly 16 years and we don't 'fight'. We disagree and sometimes I have a go at him if he's being a prick and sometimes he has a go at me for being a prick, but it's shortlived.

Your husbands attitude and your general relationship sounds utter shit. It would be the stupidest thing in the world to have another child when you seem to be barely tolerating each other's presence aside from shagging to try and have another kid.

You're asking the wrong questions, OP. What you should be asking is whether you should bring another child into an already stressed and unhappy relationship.

We’re in bad trouble relationship wise (my whole day consists of him hoping he loves me- don’t worry, I’ve done the grieving thing and I’m pretty sure we’re done)- and I wish I’d seen this a year ago. Dh said we stopped holding hands, randomly kissing, going on dates and I laughed it off so many times (because I was tired!) that he gave up and became bitter and tired.

edited to add we never fought but rarely had sex (again, I was tired!!)

You need to talk to each other about what you need from each other. What makes you feel loved. My husband feels and shows love through physical contact. I feel and show love through doing things/caring. So after talking about it, i bcame more huggy and dh brings me coffee in bed.

Disagree - couple of times a week
Argue - monthly (ish)?
Fight - physically? Never. Fight as in a huge, shouting argument? Maybe once or twice a year, though more in the last 18 months as outside stresses have been massive.
I feel like it's important to add here that afterwards, we take a bit of time to calm down then talk about it all calmly afterwards.
Kiss (without it leading to sx) - daily
Handsy fun but no sx - few times a week
Have s*x - weekly at least

Your H has a fundamental misunderstanding of how a relationship works. Enthusiastic sex is the result of a connection, feeling safe, comfortable, relaxed.
You're not going to want it if there's no connection outside of it, if there's pressure on it, if there are ramifications for your relationship if he doesn't get any.

It's a wife's job to keep the husband satisfied? What about it being a husbands job to keep his wife happy?
I'd be apoplectic if DH said that to me.

My advice, if you really want this to work, is to make an agreement about your relationship. Sex is off the table for a month while you talk, hold hands, reconnect, see a counsellor if possible.

Arrange a babysitter, go out - what did you do together before you had a dc? Cinema? Gig? Walk? Gaming? Whatever it was, do that.

Obviously you need to be on the same page for this to work but it feels to me like you're depending on physical connection to fix everything and he's depending on sex to do it. I think you're both wrong personally, I think that all comes after you've both taken a time out to sort your fundamental issues.

The only time you are intimate is when you have sex? That's incredibly depressing I don't know how you live like that.

slightly autistic

???

There is no such thing.

why did he have a vasectomy and then reverse it? Because that's a pretty big decision to make, and then change your mind. And if you're short of money now, won't it be worse with another child?

I don’t know how you’d improve the relationship without both changing fundamental things. For a start, if neither of you ever want to do anything fun or enjoyable when you are alone together, quite frankly, I don’t think that would be attractive to anyone.

I don’t know what your relationship is like but you mentkoned what he said about women pleasing men and suggest he’s a ‘little autistic,’ which seems you’re suggesting he’s at fault a lot. Then you back track and say he’s a great dad and you want a child with him. You don’t sound much fun yourself, if I’m honest.

I think you’d both need to lighten up, to do things individually and together to bring yourselves happiness, ensure you’re both receiving help for your mental health (recipe for disaster if not) and sort your money issues. If you are then better together and have enough disposable income to afford a second child, whilst maintaining a life and social life for you both as adults, go ahead for baby number 2. I wouldn’t go ahead with how things are right now though.

Thank you for being one of the only ones to actually give some advice, very much appreciated.
We're definitely stuck in a rut, but have no idea what to actually try. Partly out of fear of rejection as well for both of us.
We talk it out every time and both really want to work on things. Life just seems to keep getting in the way, and we end up back in the rut.
Will try one of those games for couples!

Shark week? What the actual fuck!!

I must be old. This is the most Misogynistic thing I've read on mumnset this year!!

You're hitting a lot of nails right there, which is what I'm trying to work on. I know I'm not fun, I can be controlling and pretty grumpy. And I do tend to blame him a lot, which isn't fair.
We've both had talk therapy, I found it helpful at first but seemed to plateau. Didn't help DH. We also tried couples counselling, but unfortunately it was with someone very unprofessional and ended up being a waste of money.
Things are on the up financially, but we prioritise household costs and anything for DC over anything for ourselves.
But you're right, we do both need to lighten up. We both take things very personally, and no idea how to stop...

I call it that 😂 not him.
He believes women should get to spend the whole week in bed!

n sx bt ltz v r’n’b

We have a 5 month old baby, my answers would have been different pre-baby, but now:

Disagree- depends what you mean, disagree over what to watch on tv or whether we think we’ll get caught in rain on dog walk, every other day. Bigger things? Maybe once a fortnight?

Argue- I wouldn’t say we do ever really argue, nothing escalates to arguing, we discuss things and communicate but I wouldn’t say it is ever an argument.

Fight- Never.

Kiss (without it leading to sx) - Every day, maybe 4-5 times a day

Handsy fun but no sx - I’d say every other day as an average, depends how much sleep we’ve had🤣

Have sx - Same as above, depends how well baby has slept, but on average 3 times a week maybe?

As I say, baby has definitely changed those answers but on the whole we’re very affectionate/intimate and we’re good at communicating and listening to each other so that actual arguments/disagreements are minimal! X

Bt seriously…

The real problem is that you are with a man who thinks things like ‘A woman’s job is to keep her man satisfied’. To me, and I’d hope most women, that would be goodbye, don’t let the door hit your arse on the way out. That kind of rank misogyny is fundamental - no real equal relationship is possible with a man like that. It must seep put in all sorts of ways, not least him only being affectionate when he wants to use his WomanBot. 🤷‍♀️

We do always talk things out after a fight. They generally arise due to external stressors making us both exhausted as well.
I've explained all that to him in many ways, that I can't be vulnerable if I don't feel the connection. We've had some short breaks to try connect again without sex, but just end up in the same rut.
We played golf before DC, and have started playing squash recently.
Thank you for your advice, I think a longer break is needed.

For what it’s worth OP I think this is a really difficult situation to navigate.

For me personally (and my husband is the same), I would feel very distant from him if your physical intimacy was gone or was withheld. And I don’t just mean sex, I mean the cuddles in the kitchen while I sterilise bottles, the kiss before he leaves for work or when he brings me my water bottle, the holding hands while we are out and about, the little touches- stroking my hair, holding my leg while he drives etc, and yes of course sex whether that is oral, hand, actual PIV sex. If when trying to fix things we took all of that intimacy away, I don’t think we’d actually be able to because all of those things are what fuel our connection, they make us closer, they make us both feel appreciated, wanted etc.

But equally I don’t think intimacy is something you can teach or prompt, otherwise it becomes something else, just another job on the to do list. Some people naturally do the kisses, cuddles etc and love that whereas others don’t, and sometimes the reality is that the person you’re with see’s those things differently to you.

I thought autism was on a spectrum? I'm not claiming to know anything about ASD, I was just saying that I can relate to some of the threads regarding this.

I appreciate that your opinion is probably coming from a protective place, but that's certainly not the case. The problems in our relationship come from both of us, which is why I'm trying to get advice on what I can do.
I'm not saying he's the best father in the world, but he's trying to be everything he never had in his awful father. He's loving and attentive to our DS, apologises if he gets anything wrong, works 50-60 hours a week to provide for us, and does most bath and bed times cos he misses him so much during the day. Those are just some examples. More than I had in my father too, so why wouldn't I want more kids with him?

“Why wouldn’t I want more kids with him”

OP you’ve already said:

• you’re exhausted, like a hamster on a wheel
• no time or energy for your marriage
• incompatible sexually and physically
• you’ve said you don’t like each other very much
• you said you’ve already tried talking therapy and couples counselling
• arguing multiple times a week
• fighting multiple times a month
• Never kissing or physically intimate without sex

That’s a list of reasons not to add another baby.

Sounds exhausting!
DH and I have had 2 big disagreements in 12 years. We don't shout and scream at each other even then. Because we're human we might sometimes be a bit snappy with each other, but that's rare also, maybe once or twice a month. However, we are both big on respect in relationships and know that something said can't be taken back so it's best to think first. Our sex life is very healthy so it's not like we're slipped into platonic friendship mode. I think some people confuse relationship drama with sexual tension. Each to their own ultimately but I'd hate it.