How often do you...

[ChakFreq]

Ladies, please I need some questions answered! I have no close friends who are married with a DC to ask...

How often do you and DH:
Disagree
Argue
Fight
Kiss (without it leading to sx)
Handsy fun but no sx
Have s*x

I'll go first!
Disagree daily.
Argue 1-2 times a week.
Fight 1-2 times a month.
Kiss never.
Handsy fun never.
S*x 1-2 times a week, but not during shark week.

Before DC came along 4 years ago things were even worse. We've had a roller coaster 6.5 years together, immigrating just before covid. Both had multiple job changes, and I eventually had to quit my 13 year career this Jan due to being completely burnt out, had daily headaches and stress migraines during my entire career :(

We've both been doing a lot of inner work to be the best people we can for ourselves and each other, but I still feel such a disconnection. I want physical affection without it having to lead to sx, but DH says I'm unapproachable most of the time. When he does, I can tell it's just cos he wants sx and that puts me off. During previous fights about this, he's said it's a wife's job to keep a man satisfied. And that's his way of feeling connected.
And I just feel like a hamster on a wheel, juggling so much that I don't initiate anything physical. Am I wrong to expect it to come from him more? I even explained this to him a week ago during an argument, but it turned into a fight last night...

Any advice to make things fun and exciting again, from one exhausted mama to another?

TIA ❤️

You're so right, and that's the point he's tryied to make.
I think we both just get so overwhelmed with the day to day that we forget tbh. We both want the non sexual affection, but it seems like he tries for a couple of days and then gets fed up that I'm not doing the same. I do a lot too, but we both don't seem to appreciate each others efforts. It sounds like your husband does all the little things, are there things you do too?

I was about to answer your questions and then read this: “he's said it's a wife's job to keep a man satisfied”

The questions are irrelevant, your dh is a selfish, ignorant arse. I’d get back on the pill if I were you!

Oh absolutely, we’re very equal in the little things! I instigate the random hugs and kisses equally as much as he does, we do “look after” each other really equally I would say. He brings me my water bottle, runs my bath, strokes my hair, rubs my back, I cook our evening meal, run his bath, rub his head, cuddle into him while we watch tv, kisses in bed.

We are really even and do have a really solid understanding I would say of each others needs, and also just both love that physical closeness (although now there’s a 5 month old baby in the middle of most of the cuddles😂).

We both acknowledge that although these might be “little things”, they aren’t really. They might seem little, but if he suddenly stopped giving me a kiss before he leaves for work for example, that would sort of feel big to me!

But we are very compatible in the way I’d say, it’s not something you can teach or force because then it loses it’s meaning. He doesn’t give me a kiss because he knows I need it, he does it because we both love that, I don’t cook his dinner because I know he needs it, I do it because I want to and I know how much he appreciates it, it makes me feel good to look after him like that in the same way he looks after me when he runs my bath and fills my water bottle up to bring me. Taking care of each other and making each other happy, makes us happy, makes our marriage a happy one. That wouldn’t be the case if we were doing things to tick them off the to do list for the day after being told to.

"Shark week"??

I might have given this the wrong connotation. He means sexually satisfied. Is he wrong? Some men surely cheat if their wives aren't having regular sex with them? My DH would never cheat, but he's clearly also feeling disconnected.
I've obviously told him that I need other forms of satisfaction before I feel sexual.

If my dh said “it's your job to keep me satisfied” I’d get the instant ick tbh.

If both partners want to stay together then yes, sex is an important part of a relationship (unless you both agree it’s not important). But to put it in such a way makes him sound misogynistic and like some thicko relic from the 50’s. What about him trying to understand the reasons behind you not feeling like sex? It’s almost like he’s trying to put the worry in your mind that he might cheat, bc you’re not “satisfying” him (by that I take him to mean you lying back and spreading your legs every time he fancies it, no discussion).

No wonder you don’t feel like it, he’s not exactly reassuring you he loves you no matter what is he?

And I always think it’s ridiculous when a woman says “I know he would never cheat”. The women I know who come out with nonsense like this are generally the ones who DO end up getting cheated on, bc they’re rather naive and blinkered.

Not saying he will of course but it’s best to be realistic about these things, none of us can control another persons behaviour.

It’s ok for you to tell him what you need in order to feel like sex, you can’t always just switch it on. But yes, if he wants it a lot more than you it might cause a problem. I think every couple goes through this at some point, usually when dcs are young and everyone’s tired. One thing though is that their libido generally declines slightly as they get older, so that’s something!

It did, and still does. I get the ick when I know he's expecting sex...
Unfortunately where we were brought up was and still is culturally very much stuck in the misogynistic 50s era! He doesn't force the narrative, but seems to try and "win" certain arguments by using these ridiculous statements.
He understands fully why I don't want it, but doesn't seem to stick to resolutions.
As I've said in previous posts, we've been through a hell of a lot of external stressors throughout our relationship, and it's only sort of recently that I've actually been asking for what I want.

He's ND and has terrible anxiety, so can't generally even speak to other women. We have an extremely honest relationship and communicate openly about everything, and I trust him more than anything. I'm not naive or blinkered. The worst he does is watch a couple minutes of porn to have wank once in a blue moon, but he knows that even makes me uncomfortable and he tends to tell me when it happens...
He's younger than me, so I think his sex drive is still ramping up 🫣

Disagree - About once a week
Argue - Once every few years
Fight - Never
Kiss (without it leading to sex) - Daily
Handsy fun but no sex - Probably averages out at twice a week
Have sex - Weekly. Would be more if the child went out more often!

This is what I was referring to earlier. It sounds like you're both making an effort to give each other what you want yourselves. You need to learn to give each other what the person receiving wants/needs. That starts with finding out what each of you actually wants rather than assuming the other person wants the same.

Try making a short list each of things that make you feel loved and cared for. Say 5 things each. Then compare notes so you both know what the other appreciates. Because no amount of say running fingers through hair will instigate warm feelings if you hate someone running their fingers through your hair. (Personally I love it but then I think I was a cat in a former life.)

Then have a few weeks of trying to do those things for each other. Then talk again about it.

Disagree- I don’t know, few times a week? Bickering coz of the kids/ tiredness mainly- nothing serious
Argue- not often
Fight- can’t remember, months ago maybe?
Kiss (without it leading to sx)- all the time
Handsy fun but no sx- do you mean like hugging and feeling each other up? If so daily
Have sx- couple of times a week max. V tired from having young kids!

been together 15 years, married for 8 and two kids under 4

I thought autism was on a spectrum?

The autistic spectrum is a spectrum of the characteristics of autistic people because they have different profiles of strengths and difficulties. It is for means of comparison of the extent of difficulties within the autistic population.

A spectrum is now a linear scale of "more or less" autistic.

You have thoroughly misunderstood what this means. For an autism diagnosis there are clear and specific criteria for whether a person is autistic or not. There is no diagnosis of "a bit autistic" and it is thoroughly inaccurate, belittling and insulting to people when it is misrepresented as such in reference to someone being introverted, or having a strong interest in a hobby, or having social anxiety or whatever.

Sorry, a spectrum is NOT (not "now" 🤦🏻‍♀️) a linear scale of "how autistic" someone is because that doesn't even make any sense.

How often do you and DH:

Disagree: Rarely (if ever) and it doesn't get as far as an argument
Argue: Never
Fight: Never
Kiss (without it leading to sx): Lots, all the time. Every morning we have a cuddle in bed and a kiss. We kiss whenever we meet up, when we make each other tea, when we walk the dog.
Handsy fun but no sx: Lots, he's a num squeezer and it makes me giggle so once or twice a day.
Have sx: At least once per week, sometimes twice depending on how tired we are.

I hadn’t had a cuddle for 10 yrs so left my ex, I thought my sex life was over then, 6 yrs ago Mr K came along, wow, what a change, cuddles every day, sex once or twice a week.
We never argue, definitely still on honneymoon.

I'm not sure if you're ready for a(nother) child if you can't say the word "sex".

Disagree- not really,sometimes get annoyed with eachother
Argue- about once every 3/4 months hardly ever
Fight- never we go and calm down separately if it’s a big argument then come back after an hour and talk it over
kiss- daily when leaving the house or cuddled on the sofa when children in bed
handsy - depends what working hours were both on, juggling 3 young children always cuddle kiss and little touching when kids aren’t looking, bottom spank walking past eachother
sex- once a week normally due to both working full time and being exhausted with children we both would love more but life is busy

we both work full time, and run a small business from home on top and 3 primary school age children. I think communication is key and keeping the affection alive we’re 21 years in and it works for us and we think we have a good healthy marriage but may not work for others every marriage/relationship is different.

Why are you being petty and take offence when non was intended. I understood straight away that she meant on the spectrum and some cases of autism are more severe then others so in that sense someone can be less or more autistic. While they might not be officially or professionally used definitions its clear what she meant.

Someone said that in a post about me and my ex “D”P - that it didn’t sound as if we liked each other very much.

Two people who have been together for a while and shared so much must surely have liked each other for most of that time. I find that an odd thing to say. I don’t think two people just suddenly stop liking each other.

It gets trotted out a lot on MN and I think is quite dismissive of underlying issues and why people might feel hurt by the actions of their partner.

Hope things get better, OP.

PS I’m amazed at all these Mumsnetters who have sex multiple times a week. When do you find the time??

Btw OP, I don’t think it matters how much other people have sex, how affectionate they are, how much they argue etc. What matters is what you’re comfortable with in your own relationship.

Shark week 🤮

How often do you and DH:
Disagree couple times a month
Argue probably every couple of months
Fight rarely ever... 2 times probably in the whole relationship
Kiss (without it leading to sx) many times through the day
Handsy fun but no sex maybe once a week
Have sex 5- 8 times a week

I am a sahm we have 5 kids total he works 60 + hours a week. We kinda learned we really needed to prioritise each others needs to be at our best together and everything else just kind of flows from that

Disagree - once a week maybe
Argue- not much really (maybe during shark week as I’m moody or both due to tiredness)
Fight- never
Kiss- everyday when we’re leaving, when we’re home before we sleep and a cuddle
Handsy - we cuddle, touch eachother daily. Intimate Play and mess around quite a bit.
sex- 1-2 a week, we both work full time and run a small business on top so depending if we’re exhausted
been together 22years married for 7 years 3x small children all in primary school. We have a good connection and have grown and learnt together.
we tell eachother how much we fancy eachother all the time but it’s not all been cupcakes and rainbows it’s really hard at times but I think if you treat eachother as if they are the only person that matters in this world to you, who you would do absolutely anything for he will feel it to.