“I abused you because it was too easy”

[Ilovemysecond]

My daughter who is 8 came back from contact with her dad and said this. I shouted and put your mum down because she was “too weak”, “too stupid” and because it was “too easy”. Im devastated. I mean I know to expect it. It went through court and he was found guilty of emotional abuse, denied contact for a long time and it started slowly after a judge allowed it a few years later.

This is how an abusive man thinks. It’s just so awful to say this to a little girl.

Mine is also Disney dad. But he won’t brush her hair and comes home matted, won’t brush teeth or administer her asthma inhaler. She asks for more contact with one breath then cries with the other because “he doesnt really take care of me”.

I believe you.

This is almost identical to what we are going through. “Daddy is sad every second we aren’t with him” from a sobbing child feeling responsible for daddy’s “sadness”. “Mummy caused this”. Tears and tantrums on return from contact.

it’s wicked.

Such similarities.
our “Disney Dad” won’t brush hair either, so the daughter comes home with heavily matted hair. And refuses to give, or return meds as he knows better than the GP.

Won’t give them time to brush teeth, up to all hours watching screens, never does homework but makes an exhibition of himself at every opportunity, school event etc as Superdad.

It was last year

They common garden textbook a holes! It’s all about them and how they look in the outside.

Sounds like he is training her to become his replacement.

I would speak to SS.

I don’t think he is training her to be anything. I think he has a hero complex and he has to be the hero as he thinks so highly of himself so therefore I need to be the villain. He has set up his new life to be the hero. The people he has around him, his money etc etc. He is the ultimate big I am and I am the little person. I think he underestimates me though because I don’t think I’m weak and don’t fit his role.

All the posters saying contact social services ignoring people who have experience with them saying that they won't be interested.

You make things worse for women.

They make it sound easy and that we have support we are deliberately not using and it’s just a phone call away.

I wouldn't worry too much. It's horrible and it's awful on your child but she'll see through it. Right now she'll be conflicted because her instincts tell her you are the loving safe parent but he's saying otherwise. If you are consistently loving and caring that won't go away. Where, as your daughter grows older, she'll see right through him. It won't take long, much quicker than you think!

I had the same, but in reverse, with my eldest daughter when I split up with my wife. She was so overwhelmed and influenced by her mother's emotions and feelings and attitude towards me that I think she really resented my for a while. I patiently accepted this and consistently loved and cared for her and now we're on the other side it's amazing. They aren't stupid, just be patient. I would say though, explain any lies he tells. Be straight up with her... appropriately for her age

This must be so scary for you op, I really feel for you. Such a difficult situation. You should take it very seriously not brush it off like pp suggested.

I think the idea of not badmouthing the other parent must go out the window to some extent when this happens. I'm not saying you should slag him off but I do think you need to be proactive in correcting the narrative that he feeds her.

I'm not really sure how but some things that came to mind were..

Can you talk to her about this kind of coercive control so she understands, in an age appropriate way, what he is doing. I wonder if there any books or films about this subject.

Point out to her that you haven't said anything bad about her dad. Tell her you are worried that daddy doesn't like you and that she will believe everything he says and will stop liking you and that you are sad because he is making her sad.

Tell her that he shouldn't be talking about you to her and empower her to be able to ask him to stop, maybe have a conversation about this with him when she is there and email him this so you have it in writing.

You obviously have to be careful to keep things factual and remember that she might repeat things to him. Also be aware that she will find it difficult knowing who to believe, if possible back what you say up with evidence.

Tell her the courts decided that he couldn't see her not you, keep repeating this, hopefully this will stop her blaming you. Be factual about what the courts found and about the DAPP etc, this wasn't your choice.

Sounds like you are in regular contact with the school but if you're not I would talk to the safeguarding officer at school "for advice" at regular intervals, your concerns will get logged and there will be a clear record of it.

She is in such a difficult situation, caught between two parents that she loves and wants to please (completely his fault). If possible she will benefit from having someone neutral to talk to about what is going on. Can you push for counselling through the school? (Can't remember if she is getting any support)

It's great that she talks openly to you about what her dad says, this shows that she trusts you and feels comfortable with you. You need to tread very carefully so that this open discussion continues but I do think you need to act.

I know @Ilovemysecond - I have had the same experience. Try and speak to some DV charities and maybe Gingerbread. Start a notebook and write stuff down so you have a date and time as well as context. Record your daughter saying what he’s said. My ex failed the clinical psychology evaluation. It all came out in the wash. Whatever you do, I wish you and your DD well. Big hug, stay strong.

My 4 yo can quote things word for word weeks and months after it's been said .

Teach her about red flags and how to not end up with a man like her dad.

Ive been teaching her about bullies etc etc but when it comes to her dad she is blind to it. She loves him so it’s so difficult for her to see him as doing something wrong. He does shout at his new girlfriend but my daughter says she shouts back. She tells me this is because his girlfriend is stronger than me. It’s the completely wrong way to see things but that’s what he tells her.