“I abused you because it was too easy”

[Ilovemysecond]

My daughter who is 8 came back from contact with her dad and said this. I shouted and put your mum down because she was “too weak”, “too stupid” and because it was “too easy”. Im devastated. I mean I know to expect it. It went through court and he was found guilty of emotional abuse, denied contact for a long time and it started slowly after a judge allowed it a few years later.

This is how an abusive man thinks. It’s just so awful to say this to a little girl.

She says when his girlfriend goes to work he is always talking about me. I think it’s more to take control of her then it is to effect me.

It is hard to explain people can do very kind things and very cruel things but continue to explain that.

That you can love someone very much and do hurtful things to them. That you can love someone that DOES cruel things.

Keep asking her the questions about what are the things a good parent should do, you can venture into the territory of things a good parent doesn't do - be nasty about the other one and so on.

Please seek therapy for her and let the school know what he is putting her through.

The school are on board. I’m just so worried I will loose her, I should I say she will become more and more like him and think like him.

No it’s not, not at all. It was odd for him to say it and it will have been going around and around in her mind. You don’t sound like you have much experience of 8 year old girls.

Her school are aware. They have put things in motion to help support her.

She just gets confused. She knows her mum loves her. But she loves her dad and she doesn’t know what to believe. I try and make the different between what I experience and that she can experience him differently. I just try and tell her that I only ever have and ever will want the best for her. At that time spending time with her dad wasn’t the best for her. He is telling he that I did it to get at him and I used her. It’s very difficult for her.

Of It all. They had to have all the court orders back when no contact was informed. They know she needs support with her emotions.

No because he’s been in her ear for the past 16 months. Every single contact weekend. Telling her stories, buying her toys, taking her everywhere, setting a scene, love bombing.

I’m not sure you’ve explained a narcissist before. He also gets holidays..

I have previous to this never talked about him, never told her about him, never dirtied his name because we were told not to. She has only his side of the story because he hasn’t stuck to what we were told.

How is an 8 year old going to make sense of that?

He abused you because he was not man enough to treat you with kindness, he's a weak minded individual who lacks emotional intelligence.

There's a reason we're told not to talk private things in the presence of children. They are sponges and will recite your story better than you can even remember it.
Nothing odd about her recall.

After a horrible row DH said I was stupid in earshot of my 4 year old (I don’t call anyone names when I’m angry) who has remembered this. It’s stuck in his brain and now he thinks his dad is a bully and will come flying into ‘protect’ me if he so much as raises his voice. Kids will definitely notice comments like this

Because they have been manipulated and it’s often human behaviour to side with the stronger parent and he is telling her literally he is her hero who fought tooth and nail to get her back from her awful mum.

I had a relationship with an emotionally abusive man. He wasn't my children's dad so he rarely ever saw them. For 4 years i kept him well away from them. It's like a motherly instinct I guess. In your case you have to share her and that's so awful. They have the ability to F up anyone they meet in life. It's awful. My ex had 2 adult daughters. The one who likes him has a range of mental health issues. She's bipolar and adhd and as awful as It may sounds she seems to be headed in the same direction. Her sister on the other hand won't speak to him. She's calm and raising her children so nicely.

The only comfort I take In the pain is that men like them end up alone and I mean alone. My ex is early 50s now. He's alone. So alone. No family apart from a weak relationship with 1 daughter. . No friends. Unless they are addicts. He can't afford nothing. Lives in a flat with basically nothing in it. He has no car. No life. No bank account. No days out. No job. His depression has rocketed. He has poor health. He lied that much and bullshitted his way through life. The position he is in now.

All you need to say to your daughter is bullying is wrong at any age and daddy should be old enough to not bully a person for being kind.

When your dd is older she will think wow my dad was horrible and he will loose her too.

Yes to all of those. But he is in her ear all the time telling her that she has one dad and she must only listen to him. She told me that he gets upset that there is another man in her life.

How rude.

Which bit were you unclear about?

I'm not saying she is lying but to remembering quotes like that so vividly weeks later is odd at 8.

@ZekeZeke it's absolutely not odd at all. Have you ever met a kid Kids soak everything up, and if it's something to do with the most important people in their lives, like their parents, their recall is extremely good. It's why we bemoan lots of memory as we age!

@Ilovemysecond he is a master manipulator and it seems he's working at alienating your daughter from you.

If you can, look to get her some independent support to work through this. Your poor daughter.

Well done on getting away and not allowing him to rattle you by proxy. Contrary to what this little man says, you're not the weak one after all 💐.

“they don’t care”

This is true. They absolutely don’t.
In fact if you raise queries about him emotionally/ mentally manipulating the child they will more likely turn on you and accuse you of “parental alienation” when that is exactly what he is doing.

The system is all wrong.
Previous instances of domestic abuse should be taken into account, but instead SS choose to believe that abusers will magically “change”. They only become emboldened as they see they can get away with it. Heartbreaking 💔

Real life. 3 years in the family court system, £16,000 of money on lawyers and barristers in the beginning because I was a wreck. For many people it doesn’t work.

They will do nothing.

except maybe investigate the mother for raising the matter. Maybe accuse her of “parental alienation”.
They won’t stop him.

To those saying she's only with him 2/14, believe me, it's enough. My ex planted enough seeds in that time to convince my 11 yr old to go live with him full time. Her and I were joined at the hip from when she was born. What a shit show ensued after. Anything I said about him to try and open her eyes to his lies pushed her further toward him. Eventually she was removed by the police and brought back to me. 9 months later I'd say she's recovered and now barely sees him. He still keeps her coming back by getting her addicted to and supplying vapes. Which I've reported and get no help with. If I take the vapes guess what happens? I'm off to live with dad. They're evil.

Op gently keep her eyes open to the fact he's a liar and encourage her to assess what he says and not just believe it. Keep a log of every thing and good luck

Honestly the toxic nature of them is unbelievable. She often asks for more time there. When asked why it will always be a reason planted by him. “Because you stopped me seeing him for 3 years so I need to make it up to him and see him more now”. “When I come back to mummies house daddy says he is so sad and can’t live without me”. They are all his manipulation. Even every other weekend is too much.

“contact at all costs.”

also my experience with a very devious, controlling, emotionally abusive father who plays the ‘Disney Dad’ role but can’t be bothered administering meds, bathing them etc.

History of da against mum.
Court ordered to over a year of supervised contact due to a moment when the mask slipped in front of witnesses.
Now has lots of unsupervised overnight contact despite new disclosures from the children. It’s his word against theirs.

SS chose to “believe” him.
and to accuse the mum of “parental alienation” for raising the disclosures.