“I abused you because it was too easy”

[Ilovemysecond]

My daughter who is 8 came back from contact with her dad and said this. I shouted and put your mum down because she was “too weak”, “too stupid” and because it was “too easy”. Im devastated. I mean I know to expect it. It went through court and he was found guilty of emotional abuse, denied contact for a long time and it started slowly after a judge allowed it a few years later.

This is how an abusive man thinks. It’s just so awful to say this to a little girl.

I would say nothing to her in response to this.

Keep a journal with everything she has said and when she says it. Don't try to record it.

Go to SS with what you have if you think it's the right time. Or a children's counsellor if you can afford it. Their opinion would be useful and your daughter hasn't twigged yet that she needs to defend her dad by keeping secrets for him.

I would also move as far away as I was allowed to. As someone whose daughter doesn't want to see her anymore because her dad said things like this until her opinion of me was completely altered, I would just say that your daughter and your bond with her is very, very much at risk.

Do not give him any ammunition by responding in any way.

She also said at the same time that the reason I left her dad was because I wanted more money and that’s I want. I don’t get triggered anymore because he talks from his world. Money is all he has ever been interested in, it’s not something I’ve ever been fussed about.

Yes I am deeply worried about this. He is changing the view she has of me and over the past couple of years I can feel it.

My ex did this with my daughter for years, it's really hard to deal with. He totally manipulated her in much the same way. Social services not interested. I really feel for you OP.

It’s not odd at all, OP. I was the same at her age, could remember things from weeks ago with incredible accuracy and my experience working with kids tells me this isn’t particularly unusual.

I think your response to your child was great and it’s good she is at least keeping you in the loop so you know what’s been said to her. But what an awful situation , he isn’t only abusing you through your daughter he’s also abusing her.

Is there anyone you can report this to?

What a grade A c*ck womble

What would be a lot odder would be if an eight year old came up with this adult-sounding shit all of her own accord.

If you’re only here to cast doubt on the OP, you could more usefully feck off.

What a vile man. Your daughter is still too young to see how manipulative he is. When she gets older she will see straight through him. My daughter ( 18) loves her Dad , but see's him as a bit of a joke.
Your daughter will see you as the strong loving Mum that you are, and most importantly the one that she can rely on 100%

Or she will go to assume it is OK to act this way herself or have a child with someone who acts this way, and the cycle will continue

It is grim and he is a prize bastard. But rising to the bait and reacting will escalate things.
All you can do is keep telling her you love her, that you are always there for her, that she can rely on you 100% in every possible way. And have fun and laugh together. She does not need for this to become a part of the relationship she has with you.
When she relays this nonsense just laugh and give her a big hug and move on.
I have never been in this sad situation so may be talking from my rear end, but it seems to me the less made of this the better. Her happy life with you does not need to be tainted with this any more than is unavoidable.
Good luck ... stay strong.

I'm really sorry to hear this. If possible I'd try not to react too much and just briefly say something like PPs have suggested. E.g. It would be easy to hurt a kitten, but that doesn't mean you should do it. Do you want jam or marmite on your toast?
Does the school have any counselling service available? A friend found this useful for her kids after escaping a DV situation. He also had contact. Her kids are teens now and don't want to have much to do with their dad. Over the years it has become clear to them that he is homophobic and racist (they are mixed race & one is gay). They still visit him very occasionally but have stopped weekends and Wednesday's.
Their mum is one of the strongest people I know, she deals with his bullshit so well and looks after the kids with kindness, calmness and consistency putting them above everything else and that has won out.
What I'm saying I suppose is play the long game. Good luck OP!

It truly isn't odd... my children (both before and after the age of 8) have often astounded me with clear memories of things I would never have expected them to recall, and even things that I had forgotten until they reminded me.

Your ex sounds bitter, manipulative and absolutely unconcerned with doing his best by his child. Like other posters I think this is the sort of thing that should be noted with SS or an official agency so as to build up a record of concern that might stop visits from progressing further.

He is "blaming" you for being , in his eyes "weak" which you are not , you have proved you are not weak by getting away from him and giving your daughter a new safe start .

He's probably planting seeds for when she starts to question "Why".

DARVO (Deny , Attack , Reverse,Victim, Offender )

Is there any money in the budget to allow her some support from a mental health perspective/ someone outside of this scenario. Just to give her the space to share how she feels about these things and help her reflect?

Or can you think about how you can help her reflect. A pp said can you turn it around and ask her how did hearing that make her feel, or does she think bullied children are weak? That's a coaching style of interaction and may help her to work through the confusion she must feel.

I can appreciate that it's horrible for you to hear her say these things. And you have done fantastically in leaving and rebuilding your life. You're the one constant in her lift and she will realise all you have done one day.

Do you have a local domestic abuse charity that could offer her counselling? This happened to my DD too, she had counselling and it made a huge difference. It helped her establish some boundaries with her dad.

Was it really necessary to jump on to say this to a person who is clearly distressed and who has been beaten down by an abusive man in the past?

OP, I understood your post perfectly well- no need to apologise or explain.

My friends ex use to say this sort of shit to her daughters;they became teens and he started to try to abuse and control them like he did their mum;they started standing up to him so he cut contact.

Please be careful as your daughter is at risk of ending up in an abusive relationship herself when she's older due to this type of behaviour from her dad.

Please read and reread and keep rereading "How to talk so kids will listen, listen so kids will talk"

You need to teach your DD critical thinking and fast.

So DD spouts his lie about you "Oh do you think that sounds like something I would do/say?" And so on.

Also access therapy for her, she will have very strong conflicting feelings going on that she needs help to process.

"It sounds like you enjoy spending time with your Dad but the things he says about me confuse you"

He’s running a campaign to make her turn against you because it gives him satisfaction to know you’ll suffer.
She’s just a tool to him.
I’d start documenting it all.

What @HazelPlayer suggested. I’d get the ball rolling to curb contact. His behaviour is incredibly damaging to the young mind of any child. He is trying to alienate your daughter from you. I understand kids want to see both parents but this sort of exposure and contact won’t do her much good. We’re Cafcass involved and could you contact your previous Cafcass officer if they’re still in the role and had a good rapport with you and your DD?

She is very conflicted. She has said a few
times that she must be bad because she loves her dad but her dad was bad to her mum etc. He tells her she is a “insert surname”, in return I tell her we are made up of the choices we make and not defined by a surname. He shows her videos of him playing with her and she sees him as loving. It is hard to explain that a person is not good and bad but a mixture of both at times. At times he was good and loving but it doesn’t make the bad times acceptable. I feel for her because this is hard for an adult to understand.

I know exactly what he is doing. He told me this via answerphone 5 years ago when I left what he would do. It was documented in court but they believed he was capable of change.

Yes they were involved but I know I’ll get nowhere. He has set up his life to look perfect. She wants more time with him. I have absolutely no trust in the system. Over the years with carcass it’s clear that it’s contact at all costs.

It amazes me just how much they think everything is about them. He still 5 years later spouts the same nonsense.

All of the things I have done to be free were not to get him back or make him pay like he thinks. They were simply to protect myself and our child. They were about me but there world is all about them.

Maybe he stressed it to her and drummed it into her so he could be sure she’d repeat it to her mother at home. And so the abuse continues.

Talk to Women’s Aid OP.