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Original poster

ExH wants to see the kids less

69 replies

Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 13:12

Hi! I hope it's ok to post this here. I'm not sure if it's the right place.

Basically, my exH has asked to have less contact with our two children (8 and 12). He has them one night a week and every other weekend (after school fri and then drops to school mon). This works out as 30% of the time. He's asked to now return them midday Sunday on his weekends as his girlfriend can't cope with them being around.
I know I am biased, they are lovely kids, genuinely lovely, kind, polite, helpful (and scared of their dad so definitely don't misbehave there!). There have been issues with the GF the past 3 years since they got together. They had a baby a year after they met (she moved in after 4-6 weeks of dating) and she's had issues about wanting to be put first and being the priority. They have split 4 times this past year because of this issue and apparently this is now a condition of them getting back together, is that he has to compromise with her and have our children less.
I mean... what do I even say to that?! I don't want to tell my kids their dad wants to see them less but equally, I'm not sure I want my kids around people who don't want them there.

OP posts:
Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 04/09/2024 13:13

Ask him how he plans to explain it to his children.

I bet you anything he wants to pretend to them that you've done it. However you handle it you need to make it clear you will not allow him to paint this as you not letting him have them.

Singleandproud · 04/09/2024 13:14

You can't say anything, it's shit but you can't make him have them more than he wants them. He is an ex for a reason and this is another great reminder. Up to him to tell them though

Plan some lovely activities on a Sunday afternoon for them so it's not a loss.

Or you tell him you can't have them, you already have standing commitments on a Sunday afternoon he'll need to sort something else out, visit the GParents or something. But nothing you can do if he just drops them off outside yours though

FunLurker · 04/09/2024 13:14

Unfortunately you can't make him have your children. I would suck it up and just tell the kids his circumstances have changed or let him explain it. Maybe their relish the half day at his as it can't be much fun and you then get a extra half day with them. Obviously if this effects your work or anything you might have to rethink things.

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 04/09/2024 13:15

What a spineless, pathetic excuse of a father. And a man. I would ask "For avoidance of doubt can you confirm you're putting your girlfriend above your children, and that's a decision you can happily live with?"

He should be responsible for telling the children what he's doing and why. They will come to their own conclusions in time.

FuzzyDiva · 04/09/2024 13:15

I would make him explain it to your children and then I would ensure Sunday evenings have a regular fun event that the three of you to together.

WearyAuldWumman · 04/09/2024 13:16

Singleandproud · 04/09/2024 13:14

You can't say anything, it's shit but you can't make him have them more than he wants them. He is an ex for a reason and this is another great reminder. Up to him to tell them though

Plan some lovely activities on a Sunday afternoon for them so it's not a loss.

Or you tell him you can't have them, you already have standing commitments on a Sunday afternoon he'll need to sort something else out, visit the GParents or something. But nothing you can do if he just drops them off outside yours though

Edited

Should he not increase any maintenance if he has them less?

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/09/2024 13:17

FuzzyDiva · Today 13:15
I would make him explain it to your children and then I would ensure Sunday evenings have a regular fun event that the three of you to together

This. Make sure you’re present when he does, though. What an arsehole.

Singleandproud · 04/09/2024 13:18

@WearyAuldWumman Possibly as he is losing an overnight,.

Ozanj · 04/09/2024 13:20

The kids are old enough to be told the truth - that it’s DH decision to have them over less and any questions about it should be directed to him. That’s it.

Original poster
Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 13:22

Thank you everyone. It's disgusting isn't it :(. I have told him we're not lying them on this one. They already think we stopped 50/50 (that lasted a few weeks!) because I wanted them more (I mean I do, I love them but we stopped because dad didn't want it) and that we split up because we fell out of love (we did but only because he cheated multiple times!). He is not making this because of me this time.
LOVE the idea of the Sunday afternoon becoming a special thing for me and the kids though :).
As for maintenance - unfortunately not. He's one of those self-employed sneaky *** who plays the system so if I ask for more, he'll cut it right back as I can't go through CMS.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 13:23

Practically I can manage it, yes. It will impact me in several ways but nothing I can't suck up and I can't bring myself to say no. If he doesn't want them there then quite frankly, he doesn't deserve them.

OP posts:
ChaoticCrumble · 04/09/2024 13:24

Regardless of how he currently plays the system, say you'll do it if he increases maintenance - it's surely worth a go?

What would he do if you said you wanted them less?!

pikkumyy77 · 04/09/2024 13:30

You don’t seem to have any leverage? I phrase it that way because I’m not sure that is true w/r/t CMS. If he underreports his income isn’t that tax fraud? If he correctly reports his income can’t CMS go after him?

Frankly, in terms of the visits, I would just let that ship sail. I would tell him to increase child support and you won’t kick off about the reduction in time spent with them. It only makes concrete what is really true which is that he will always put his current gf/source of sex and comfort before his children. The children had better get used to it. Being honest now will save them a world of hurt later.

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 04/09/2024 13:30

Tell him he needs to explain it to the kids when you’re there. In fact when he picks them up next I would put him on the spot. And then tell him how much more maintenance he will be paying you from now on.

SpringleDingle · 04/09/2024 13:35

You have my sympathy. My ExH originally wanted DD 50:50 which I agreed to. Then when he got a job it dropped to Wednesday overnight, Friday overnight and EOW. Then he dropped overnight on Wed and only had her for tea to be brought home at bedtime. Then he started bringing her home at 4:30pm having picked her up at 3pm and taken her for immediate McD and she needed dinner again late and threw off the whole evening so we stopped that. Then he couldn't pick her up from school Friday and I ended up having to drop her off at 5:30pm. Then Sunday he started dropping her back earlier and earlie - sometimes as early as 11am. A few weeks before the summer holiday his depression flared because he needed to move rental place. Me and my family supported him through all that and he's been in the new house 3 or weeks now but it's been 9 weeks since he's had DD overnight and 3 weeks since he's seen her at all. Apparently his depression is too bad. I keep telling him to see a Dr.

It hurts my heart that he doesn't seem to care or want her. She is gorgeous (a bit hard work due to ASD but loving and lovely). I have now just accepted that he may not go back to being a regular part of her life and that I can't nag him into it (despite my best efforts) and I'll just love her double-hard instead. Luckily the ASD means she is probably less bothered by his abandonment than a NT kid would be. She also knows he's bonkers. I'd like to murder his arse though!

Edited to add: No maintenance to use as leverage as he doesn't pay any. There is a huge disparity in our earnings and I've never wanted to make his life financially harder as any maintenance he did pay wouldn't make any difference to me.

TheHomeEdit · 04/09/2024 13:36

I assume that all the sorting of school uniform/ checking homework is done will fall to you in the Sunday afternoon. It might not be the fun relaxed time you are hoping for. Could you suggest Saturday lunchtime until Monday school instead.

oakleaffy · 04/09/2024 13:45

@Stressymadre That's mean of him...as I was reading I thought ''Bet there is a new Girlfriend on the scene''

My son {well behaved, no trouble} was so let down by his dad for so long because of girlfriends.

And look, she 'made a claim'' on your children's dad by getting pregnant with immodest haste to try and make herself ''as important'' as his first children.

What's the betting she too will be one day an ex...

It's sad, but no Court will ever enforce a father to see their child..I did ask my solicitor about it, but he said no court will do it as it is seen as harmful for the child- if the father doesn't want the child/ren because of his new girlfriend, than he can just skip away.

It's really unkind to the children.

needsomewarmsunshine · 04/09/2024 13:57

I picked up on scared of their dad, so don't misbehave. That in itself would concern me as a mum.
He considers himself having a new family so disregarding the first. The gf sounds a piece of work and he sounds spineless.
You are the pivot for dc's world and they knew they can rely on you to have their best interests at heart. He's possibly doing you a favour in some respects.

Wimberry · 04/09/2024 13:58

I remember when my dad did similar, he dropped us from a day every weekend to a day every other weekend and eventually to a couple of hours in the afternoon every other weekend. He claimed it was so we could spend more quality time as we'd do more exciting things/trips etc, but we did the same shit as before (often trailing around DIY shops)
I'd recommend honesty, because your kids will work it out anyway.

In our situation the less he invested in us, the less interested we were in seeing him. We had time to find our own interests on the weekend and stopped bothering with him.

Mensuckbigtime · 04/09/2024 14:05

I am so sorry! How awful!
Kids should come first and that's the shitty thing with separation/divorce, new partners and new siblings (I don't mean that is bad that there might be new siblings), but it's just a different dynamic.

I would let him explain it to the children but make sure you're there too in case he talks rubbish/"blames" you.

Do you think your children have an understanding that.their fathers new girlfriend is the reason?

I mean, if she feels that way about your children, it's probably best if they spend as little time as possible with her, I guess she can't disguise how she feels.

My stbxh has told me that I can have the children over the Xmas holidays... I'm.shocked that he doesn't want to see his children over Xmas (he's seeing them.on the 29th of december).

I guess OW wants to go on a lovely Xmas holiday without the children

😕

Fedupandstressed · 04/09/2024 14:06

Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 13:22

Thank you everyone. It's disgusting isn't it :(. I have told him we're not lying them on this one. They already think we stopped 50/50 (that lasted a few weeks!) because I wanted them more (I mean I do, I love them but we stopped because dad didn't want it) and that we split up because we fell out of love (we did but only because he cheated multiple times!). He is not making this because of me this time.
LOVE the idea of the Sunday afternoon becoming a special thing for me and the kids though :).
As for maintenance - unfortunately not. He's one of those self-employed sneaky *** who plays the system so if I ask for more, he'll cut it right back as I can't go through CMS.

Report him to the Inland Revenue.

hopeishere · 04/09/2024 14:16

What would happen if you said no?

Choochoo21 · 04/09/2024 14:17

What time does he usually bring them back?

Can he not use Sunday afternoons to visit his parents or take them for a walk or for dinner?

I would be really pissed off about this and it’s unfair the gf is getting her own way!

But as you say, I would also hate my kids being in a home that they’re not wanted.

MatildaTheCat · 04/09/2024 14:20

That’s crap but definitely for him to explain to the children. I imagine he will end up dropping them off after breakfast on Sunday pretty soon.

But you say they are scared of him? So frankly, while you will lose any free time they will benefit from a more relaxed weekend. As soon as they are old enough to vote with their feet I bet they will stop going.

invisiblecat · 04/09/2024 14:49

Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 13:22

Thank you everyone. It's disgusting isn't it :(. I have told him we're not lying them on this one. They already think we stopped 50/50 (that lasted a few weeks!) because I wanted them more (I mean I do, I love them but we stopped because dad didn't want it) and that we split up because we fell out of love (we did but only because he cheated multiple times!). He is not making this because of me this time.
LOVE the idea of the Sunday afternoon becoming a special thing for me and the kids though :).
As for maintenance - unfortunately not. He's one of those self-employed sneaky *** who plays the system so if I ask for more, he'll cut it right back as I can't go through CMS.

'plays the system' = tax fraud.

Report him to the Inland Revenue for tax evasion.