Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH wants to see the kids less

69 replies

Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 13:12

Hi! I hope it's ok to post this here. I'm not sure if it's the right place.

Basically, my exH has asked to have less contact with our two children (8 and 12). He has them one night a week and every other weekend (after school fri and then drops to school mon). This works out as 30% of the time. He's asked to now return them midday Sunday on his weekends as his girlfriend can't cope with them being around.
I know I am biased, they are lovely kids, genuinely lovely, kind, polite, helpful (and scared of their dad so definitely don't misbehave there!). There have been issues with the GF the past 3 years since they got together. They had a baby a year after they met (she moved in after 4-6 weeks of dating) and she's had issues about wanting to be put first and being the priority. They have split 4 times this past year because of this issue and apparently this is now a condition of them getting back together, is that he has to compromise with her and have our children less.
I mean... what do I even say to that?! I don't want to tell my kids their dad wants to see them less but equally, I'm not sure I want my kids around people who don't want them there.

OP posts:
sunflowersngunpowdr · 04/09/2024 16:05

Tell him you have a pt job on Sundays and if he drops them off you won't be there so he needs to find childcare. See what he says. If he pushes it there's nothing you can do but I'd front like it isn't possible. What's half a day really going to do to appease her? It will only get pushed more and more until the contact completely stops. He should be ashamed of himself.

Original poster
Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 16:44

Thank you everyone. I agree - it is awful, he is a terrible human! Just when I think he can stoop any lower, he always manages to go one step further.

I agree that he should be the one to tell them and I want to be there to make sure he doesn't make some shit up again - he's not known for being truthful! In some ways though, yes, it is better for the kids to have less time with him, but I just wish they kids didn't have to know it was his choice. Got to be damaging to know your father is choosing his new family over you, hasn't it.

I do all the hard work anyway (he doesn't do homework, or wash uniform or support with music practice or anything)- doesn't usually even cook tbh!

OP posts:
gardenmusic · 04/09/2024 16:50

As for maintenance - unfortunately not. He's one of those self-employed sneaky * who plays the system so if I ask for more, he'll cut it right back as I can't go through CMS.

Guarantee that is next on the list of demands from new girlfriend.
Is there nothing you can do or threaten that will ensure the maintenance stays the same or is raised?
Prepare yourself for him cutting and cutting at his time with the children, while trying to cut his contribution.

socks1107 · 04/09/2024 16:55

My ex started this, less and less and less time. All slowly at first and then it become noticeable, the new wife was doing this, the new wife wanted to go here. Eventually he emailed his daughters and told them they couldn't come to his house anymore.

Five years on and they are young adults now, they bother with his on birthdays ( usually his and their new sisters) and not much in between.
They are certain breed these men and their new wives.

Theunamedcat · 04/09/2024 17:08

hopeishere · 04/09/2024 14:16

What would happen if you said no?

I tried that he bought them back anyway and hammered on my door (I was out) then he rang and he rang stuffed himself up because he told the children I was demanding they come home ds said he had a conversation on the phone yelling at "me" Fine I will bring them home then" before bundling them in his car and bringing them back to find me out (dumbass that he is forgot to check I was home) I showed up 20 minutes later with my Starbucks saying why are you here? I was busy etc etc

He was "very upset"

Original poster
Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 17:15

I actually don't understand how some parents can be like this. Everyone commenting similar stories, it's shocking isn't it! How do they do it? It would actually break me to tell my kids I don't want to spend time with them. Sure, we all sometimes want a break or some adult time etc, but to choose to remove yourself from their lives in favour of a romantic partner - does not compute for me!

OP posts:
Chillilounger · 04/09/2024 17:28

I wouldn't piss around with half days. That's not going to help and is just going to make your life harder. If he wants a day less fine but his loss and like others said they'll soon vote with their feet.

Ellie56 · 04/09/2024 17:55

What a spineless twat. You did well getting rid of him.

The pair of them are disgraceful. Who treats children like that?

And I absolutely would report him for tax evasion.

Catoo · 04/09/2024 18:05

It’s probably already been said above, but this is him making his gf do all the work when your children are there isn’t it? She has to organise everything for 5 people all weekend and he doesn’t lift a finger?

I would tell him that he should take his children out on the Sunday and give his gf a break.

MatildaTheCat · 04/09/2024 18:09

Stressymadre · 04/09/2024 17:15

I actually don't understand how some parents can be like this. Everyone commenting similar stories, it's shocking isn't it! How do they do it? It would actually break me to tell my kids I don't want to spend time with them. Sure, we all sometimes want a break or some adult time etc, but to choose to remove yourself from their lives in favour of a romantic partner - does not compute for me!

Especially when that ‘romantic partner’ has dumped you multiple times and is forcing you to choose between them and your DC.

sounds as if they are well matched and deserve one another.

mitogoshi · 04/09/2024 18:11

I'm pretty sure the reason my exh didn't leave me until the kids were older was that he didn't want to actually look after them! He claims he was thinking about leaving for 8 years!

TiptoeThroughTheToadstools · 04/09/2024 18:20

This happened with my exH, he halved contact, I warned him about the consequences of spending less time with the kids, he didn't listen. 5 years later they don't trust him, don't like visiting him and don't make time for him, without me saying a word.

ABirdsEyeView · 04/09/2024 18:27

It's shit but I wouldn't want my kids to be spending time with a dad who doesn't really want them.
Never understand the thought processes of the new woman in these situations - why would they want a man like this? Do they not understand the implications for their own children - that his care for them is also conditional?

Dont agree with pp that he should tell them - as their only decent parent, I think you should shield their feelings as much as you can - no kid needs to hear their dad is a piece of shit who doesn't want them , if you could hide that information from them. They'll click it soon enough as they get older.

Babbahabba · 04/09/2024 18:33

Poor kids- they already don't see much of him and the baby's there every day. At least they have a good mum in you OP.

Another2022 · 04/09/2024 22:11

I hate fathers like this. I'm having to fight for 50/50 care and he just throws it away.
OP, I'd just get on with it. If the kids ask questions just tell them to ask their 'father'. They'll realise your the only real parent in their life over the years. So shit for the kids to grow up with only one real parent who cares for them and that they can rely on.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/09/2024 22:12

ABirdsEyeView · 04/09/2024 18:27

It's shit but I wouldn't want my kids to be spending time with a dad who doesn't really want them.
Never understand the thought processes of the new woman in these situations - why would they want a man like this? Do they not understand the implications for their own children - that his care for them is also conditional?

Dont agree with pp that he should tell them - as their only decent parent, I think you should shield their feelings as much as you can - no kid needs to hear their dad is a piece of shit who doesn't want them , if you could hide that information from them. They'll click it soon enough as they get older.

How though? OP shouldn't take the blame, they need to know they have one parent who actually cares about their best interests, so how can it be put that doesn't make it sound like their dad wants them less without blaming OP and undermining the one supportive parental relationship they have?

Kelly51 · 04/09/2024 23:42

and scared of their dad so definitely don't misbehave there!
why force them on him if this is how they feel??

Sevenwondersofthewoo · 04/09/2024 23:49

Is he a limited company cos if he is he’ll be most likely on companies house

you can check his revenue on there and go from there with CMS

as for saying that he’s a spineless fukker for sure, make it fun for them on Sunday. He’ll regret his decision later on when they don’t want anything to do with him.

Goldbar · 05/09/2024 00:25

I would be tempted to key his car with "Shit Dad of the Year lives here" and then tell him that if he reports you to the police, as is his right, he'll have to have the kids full-time as you'll be having a rest courtesy of His Majesty. And he may find that more expensive than simply repairing the bodywork.

Note the use of the word "tempted". I would never actually do this. But I'd let the idea float through my mind to cheer me up when dealing with the shit.

ABirdsEyeView · 05/09/2024 07:28

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness tbh I'd probably just say that dad has to work or dad and I have decided it would be nicer for them to be with mum on Sunday.
I know it's a bit of a wet excuse and in time they are likely to see right through it, but I honestly would try to avoid having my kids hear directly that their dad cba and is too busy following the dictates of his dick, to care for them properly.
Maybe another poster knows of a better, more tactful way to phrase things but if left in dad's control he's only going to make a pathetic excuse anyway.
Not saying that mum should say it's her fault/decision alone or anything that would make the kids feel she's the one depriving them of contact. If they would consider it a deprivation - they might be relieved.

carrotcard · 05/09/2024 07:29

I'd say fine but you have to explain it to them.

I think its disgusting but you have to rise above it

Conniebygaslight · 05/09/2024 07:45

The fact that your kids are scared of him and his GF doesn't want them around, probably means they'll be happier in the short term anyway. Doesn't make it right and no doubt they will still feel rejected but they will safer emotionally with you. Make it special somehow if you can. You sound like a lovely mum OP

Original poster
Stressymadre · 06/09/2024 12:44

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's good to hear I'm not being unreasonable! He has this way of twisting things to make him look better! He genuinely seems to think this is best for the kids as at the moment he doesn't get any quality time with them. Whenever he has our two, he also had the 2 year old as the GF won't look after their child when he has our kids. The only way she will, is for him to agree to have them there less. So he thinks less time will be better for them ad it will be better quality. My concern this is the start... it will only get worse.

Also, I'm not sure I want them there if she dislikes having them around so much. Would I be wrong to tell him this? I don't want to be accused of preventing contact but part of me wants to say you, they can just be with me all the time where they are loved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stressymadre · 06/09/2024 12:45

Regarding some of the questions. No, the GF does nothing for our two, I mean nothing. She does not like being around them. They get sent to their rooms early if she is there for example.
The maintenance side, yes he has a Ltd company. Issue us he pays himself low salary and pays everything through his business...

OP posts:
Catoo · 06/09/2024 12:52

Stressymadre · 06/09/2024 12:44

Thanks everyone for the replies. It's good to hear I'm not being unreasonable! He has this way of twisting things to make him look better! He genuinely seems to think this is best for the kids as at the moment he doesn't get any quality time with them. Whenever he has our two, he also had the 2 year old as the GF won't look after their child when he has our kids. The only way she will, is for him to agree to have them there less. So he thinks less time will be better for them ad it will be better quality. My concern this is the start... it will only get worse.

Also, I'm not sure I want them there if she dislikes having them around so much. Would I be wrong to tell him this? I don't want to be accused of preventing contact but part of me wants to say you, they can just be with me all the time where they are loved.

I’m not sure I believe him OP. I expect she’s fed up of doing all the work when they are there for the weekend. And has told him he has to organise those weekends for all 3 children and he doesn’t want to.

Do you ever speak to her directly?