How to explain to my partner I want to freeze eggs, not only embryos

[naomimn]

Obviously the main advantage of freezing eggs over embryos is that it gives you flexibility ie I would always need my DH's consent to use embryos but can use my own eggs without anyone else's consent. DH knows this as a doctor literally told us both this at a consultation.

We are currently going through IVF, without explaining in too much detail I'm still young-ish but not super young, unexplained infertility. I want a large family so would like to go for several cycles of freezing before implanting an embryo and the IVF is financed by my inheritance / my own savings. We live a comfortable enough life and my husband is of the opinion that my inheritance is mine to use however I wish so financially he wouldn't object. Of course as soon as I say I'd also like some eggs frozen, as well as embryos, he will see this as "I want insurance in case this relationship fails". Not romantic at all and I suspect he might get really mad, say that I'm not fully committed etc. Overall the relationship is going well and we make each other very happy but I'm a cynical person and ... you just never know. What if we meet an irreconcilable disagreement in a few years, what if he (or I) meets the most stunning girl and falls in love / cheats, what is for whatever reason it doesn't work out. You never think it'll be you but it does happen so could be any of us. I don't want to sacrifice my dream of having a large family if anything does happen (however unlikely it seems at the moment) but I also don't want to drive someone I love away because I am truly happy with him. I don't want to hide the fact I'm freezing eggs from him and I don't think I really could, with how many injections and scans there are.

Any advice / tips?

Naive question perhaps - I haven't been through IVF, though got pretty close - but do you actually need to tell him?

Well, that is what you're doing. Most people gamble on their relationship being strong enough if they are having kids to go the distance. And obviously for a lot that means they won't be fertile should it break down. Should they freeze their eggs too?

As above. You are the client. Just communicate directly with the clinic. I think you are being sensible. If you want to tell him just say ‘we are going to freeze eggs and embryos’. It’s not a joint discussion per se so long as he is happy to donate sperm.

You also need to freeze eggs in case his sperm (or the embryos) is not viable at any point.

Your body, your eggs.

You are married yes, but you two are individuals and as such should take a decision on your own health, this includes your eggs. If he is that insecure that you freezing your own eggs, then you have an issue.

IVF is intrusive, both mentally and physically. It puts a strain on every day life for a very long time, most of the load is on you so effectively this is your decision, just like any other health problem, this is your choice.

You also need the eggs freezing in case he dies. Tell him that.

The other embryos might not work! they don’t always survive the freezer. You might need to do it all again. He might die.

Lots to think through.

Eggs don't tend to survive thawing as well as embryos, something to consider. If you are going through IVF already to become pregnant you may not be able to get the numbers of eggs they'd like to see to be able to have enough to fertilise at a later date.

Depending on your age and reason for IVF, I would personally go through the full process to get a live birth - this can take 3 full cycles to achieve and then go for an egg collection.

Really quiz your consultant on the clinic's outcome from egg freezing to live birth.

Ivf is brutal on your body (took me 3 full cycles to get my daughter, plus 2 ops), even though we have embryos frozen, I couldn't face going through an additional transfers as I couldn't face another negative test.

Whatever you choose, very best of luck

100% definitely freeze eggs as well as embryos. For all the reasons you are worried about. I have known some cases where 'freezing the embryos only' went very wrong for couples... well moreso the one who wanted to make the embyros into babies!

One very high profile case was about a couple who were deeply in love/ soulmates/ never gonna split la la la, and they had embryos frozen when she got cancer, and was left infertile by the treatment.

Fast forward a couple of years and they split up, and it turned out that both of them had to give consent to enable the embryos to be implanted into her to make a baby. He refused point blank. She took it to many courts - including the European Court. Spent 10s of 1000 of pounds on all the legal stuff - and the highest court in the land(s) said said no, and ordered the destruction of the embryos. It destroyed her.

He however, still had his fully functioning balls and went on to meet another woman and have children with her.

Even after all these years - it was 2007 - I still feel heartbroken for her when I think about it. Even though it was ages ago, this can still happen.

Woman loses battle to use frozen embryos created with her ex-fiance | Health | The Guardian

I would absolutely need to tell him about IVF because (aside from the fact I am effectively creating his biological children, so morally it would be wrong not to tell him) he would need to sign lots of consent forms with the clinic to say that he agrees to the creation of his embryos and on egg collection day he would need to produce a sperm sample to fertilise the eggs, which is how the embryos are created.
Now imagine I am just freezing my eggs. It's the same procedure with me doing lots of injections at home, of the same medicines, but he hasn't signed anything and he doesn't get asked by a doctor to produce the sperm sample. Clearly he can tell it's egg freezing, not IVF.

This sounds absolutely devastating. My worst nightmare

It's everyone's choice whether to freeze eggs or not, and I can't decide for every person. I am just making this choice for myself because to me having children has been more important than any man I have ever had in my life

I think he isn't insecure as such but it's more that we're both very much planning for a joint future, joint retirement etc. And he's heard the doctor say that the only reason to really freexe eggs is if you're single or if you have doubts about the relationship. So he'd immediately ask if this means I have doubts about the relationship

If you're married and freezing your eggs it's strange to me not to do the next stage and freeze embryos. Otherwise why even let him know you're doing it?

I think there's a part of the consent forms where he can state that if he dies, I have full rights to the embryos. So sadly this excuse won't work 😄

As a previous poster said @naomimn is it an option to freeze your eggs and not tell him? Can you freeze some embryos, (with him) but also freeze some of your eggs (without him?) He doesn't have to know does he?

Sorry I must have worded it confusingly.

We are doing IVF to create a baby now. We want to have a few embryos in the freezer so that after this baby we can have another baby or two (or three).
However, because no one marries thinking they'll get divorced, despite how great my DH is and despite the fact I don't think he would cheat, you never know what might happen. So as an insurance I'd like to freexe my eggs. Because I don't want to be in a situation where I am 35, have 1 child, he has left / cheated and I am running out of time to have another baby. If I had eggs frozen in that situation I could easily give myself another couple of years to meet the right partner (or decide I want a donor) without panicking about declining egg quality. Hopefully it never comes to that and hopefully we live happily ever after with our many children... but life doesn't always go to plan so an insurance won't hurt!

OK so he signs for embryos and not for eggs. Does he need to know the details and the logistics though? Won't there just be so many injections and appointments that he could easily lose track?

Your best chance at having a baby now is by creating them all as embryos and freezing those that remain. I had 2 fresh transfers and 5 frozen transfers before I got my miracle and I was under 30 with unexplained infertility. I wouldn’t gamble on a potential big family for no baby at all. If the IVF works then once you have a baby, look at freezing eggs.

Yes he signs for embryo freezing but not egg freezing. The way it works though is I do an embryo freezing cycle - he's signed - he needs to produce a sperm sample. Once he's produced that sperm sample, the cycle is over and the embryos are frozen. A new cycle begins. If in that new cycle I am injecting myself, going to appointments etc it's pretty clear eggs will be extracted. He doesn't need to produce a sperm sample and hasn't signed forms. Therefore it's clear that it's not embryos being frozen (because they won't be made without sperm), it's eggs.

He could be dead tomorrow. He could get hit by a bus crossing the street, or have a heart defect he knows nothing about and have a massive heart attack he knows nothing about.

You'd obviously be devastated @naomimn , but you're young, and surely he wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life alone. So you might start dating again after a few years, and one day you might want to start a family with the new man.

Boom, there's you're reason if he questions it. Sidesteps the whole relationship failing angle.

That crossed my mind too

Depending on the number of eggs that they get , could you not fertilise half and freeze the other half? It would reduce your chances of a successful transfer is imagine but it would solve your current dilemma

I think go one cycle at a time and see how you get on. Hopefully you will get enough good quality embryos to implant and freeze on the first go. Don’t be planning rounds ahead, see how you cope with the first one and go from there…

You need eggs in case your embryo transfers are not viable and you cannot, for any reason, obtain viable/any eggs again.
@naomimn read the countless posts of women in utter despair after multiple ivf cycles resulting in mc.
God forbid that becomes your situation.
You need to take all possibilities into account.
You need eggs and embryos.
Sometimes your egg and your partner's sperm don't continue. You might need to try a donor sperm for a baby. There are so many potentials. Has he thought of that? Would he want you to be childless if his sperm is not viable? Would he suggest adoption because if he couldn't contribute genetic material to have a baby then it's not fair if you do? Would he not want adoption if you can't have a baby together with your own embryos? These are real questions to face. Cover off everything. Honestly, if your dh can't fathom all of this please consider whether you should start the process at all with him. You are so lucky to be young and starting the process with the best quality genetic material, don't cut off any potential avenues to having a baby for anyone.