How to explain to my partner I want to freeze eggs, not only embryos

[naomimn]

Obviously the main advantage of freezing eggs over embryos is that it gives you flexibility ie I would always need my DH's consent to use embryos but can use my own eggs without anyone else's consent. DH knows this as a doctor literally told us both this at a consultation.

We are currently going through IVF, without explaining in too much detail I'm still young-ish but not super young, unexplained infertility. I want a large family so would like to go for several cycles of freezing before implanting an embryo and the IVF is financed by my inheritance / my own savings. We live a comfortable enough life and my husband is of the opinion that my inheritance is mine to use however I wish so financially he wouldn't object. Of course as soon as I say I'd also like some eggs frozen, as well as embryos, he will see this as "I want insurance in case this relationship fails". Not romantic at all and I suspect he might get really mad, say that I'm not fully committed etc. Overall the relationship is going well and we make each other very happy but I'm a cynical person and ... you just never know. What if we meet an irreconcilable disagreement in a few years, what if he (or I) meets the most stunning girl and falls in love / cheats, what is for whatever reason it doesn't work out. You never think it'll be you but it does happen so could be any of us. I don't want to sacrifice my dream of having a large family if anything does happen (however unlikely it seems at the moment) but I also don't want to drive someone I love away because I am truly happy with him. I don't want to hide the fact I'm freezing eggs from him and I don't think I really could, with how many injections and scans there are.

Any advice / tips?

Given that egg freezing often has poor results when they thaw, could you get some of your eggs fertilised with donor sperm and have those embryos frozen as insurance? No clue how you'd broach it with your husband (can you do it secretly?) but that would give you a better success rate down the line if needed.

Just say you want to do both. It increases your chances as if embryos aren’t viable, you still have eggs. I don’t think you need to explain it. It’s a really practical thing and if you’re putting yourself through it, get it all done.

Def do both

Dh and I did ivf. Took 5 attempts to get our one and only bfp and mini blondes who is now 7

I have had friends who ivf failed and they had embryos frozen and relationships ended and yes nothing they can do as the arseholes refuses to give their permission to use the frozen embryos

It broke one friend and other used donor eggs with her new partner as she was too old so did become a mum

It's your money and however much dh May swear now he loves you /will agree to using embroys they have to sign again and if they don't - it's no go

So so so unfair on the mums. Why does the dads view matter more then the mum

They agreed in the past

Each and every time we did a fet - 2 in all - dh had to sign saying he agreed to allow clinic to defrost

If he had said no I don't know what I would have done

So yes do both if need be. Rough guide is 1/4 of what you get foilicles and once they do the icsi

So say if had 18/20 foilicles - you might get 10 good eggs out that survive and good size and then 4/5 of them will be successful and blast

So yes you could say to clinic that half dh fertilises a d half they freeze as eggs

Or you do 2 rounds

One with dh embroys and freeze

Fet rart of success is higher then doing fresh as if you wait a month /next cycle gives the body a rest

So you could do 2 fresh cycles over 3/4mths

One be dh and embryos Other all eggs

And then do a fet

What an absolutely stupid and irresponsible comment by the doctor. Consider finding someone else.

I was thinking this- again not been through it. Perhaps your DH won’t have an issue depending how you present it.

If you say I want my eggs too in case we split up, then I can see he might feel a bit meh!

It’s a just the sensible thing to do and gives you the best chances. He will likely have his sperm supply a lot longer than you’ll have eggs?

I've been through IVF. Freezing eggs is not ideal, embryos are much more stable. Also, you can't do it in the same cycle (or at least I wouldn't). You're going to need all the eggs collected for fertilisation, to ensure you get a decent number of high quality embryos. So egg freezing would surely be another cycle on top? I get you want to cover all options, but honestly I'd live for now. Get your embryos and have your family. Nobody can predict the future. You might even realise 1 or 2 children are plenty when the reality of parenting hits!

Mine is a bit of an extreme example but:

My partner is about to have chemo, just about the same time as we might have started trying for a second baby. By the time he has finished chemo, at the earliest, I will be too old to try for a baby.
Nevertheless I will insist that he takes advantage of the option to have his sperm frozen because if anything happens to me /our baby/ our relationship he may want to have one with someone else.

To your OH I'd say he has the insurance policy. Why shouldn't you also have it?

Embrios over all have a higher success rate than eggs.

Also, I think you are being a bit naive saying you want to do several cycles first before any transfer so as to increase your chances of having a large family.

Reality is that it’s unlikely that you’re going to have a large family through IVF. IVF is a brutal process with a success rate of approximately 30%. Not all cycles will be successful so you could go through the hormones etc and end up with no viable eggs for fertilisation, or you could decide to go for a second transfer nd the embryos haven’t survived.

Honestly your best bet is to go through one cycle, and see how many embryos you end up with. They won’t transfer them all, so you have one, or two (depending on your clinic) transferred and the rest are frozen.
If those embryos don’t survive thawing for a second attempt you could start again, but putting your body through cycle after cycle after cycle of hormones just so you can be sure you have enough embryos and eggs to freeze just in case is never likely to end well.

I know someone who had to go through four rounds of hormones and retrievals as she was having PGD to eliminate a life-limiting disability. She said it was the most awful thing, both physical and emotional that she’d ever had to go through.

She was fortunate. She had two embryos from her last cycle, one of which was implanted and took,and the other was implanted two years later. But she said that if the second embryo hadn’t taken she would never have put herself through it again.

Is this where the phrase ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’ comes from?

Also I disagree with those criticising men for not allowing embryos to be used after a split.

The only reason why that is even a consideration is because there is an embryo. Were it not for science it wouldn’t be reasonable to expect a man to father a child he didn’t want by virtue of the relationship having broken down. This is no different.

There is no baby. It’s an embryo, and as the relationship has ended he is it obliged to enable his ex to become pregnant with a baby he no longer wants.

Or should a woman allow a man to use embryos to implant into a surrogate if that’s what he wants?

Has the doctor explained to you the success rate of freezing eggs vs embryos? They don’t do eggs unless there’s no partner on the scene because it’s got a really poor chance of working. Basically because the embryo is lots of cells if one or two cells die as part of thawing then the embryo can make more, but the egg is one cell. It cracks it’s dead.

Save your money. Implantation can be expensive if you need lots of cycles and nhs won’t pay for a “big family” so you will need to self fund if that’s what you want.

Having had two full cycles of IVF (ICSI) I’m inclined to agree with the other posters advising you to do this cycle and implant before making any decisions about egg freezing. It is a brutal, unpredictable rollercoaster of a process that takes its toll physically and emotionally. I only produced 7 eggs on my cycles and 2 viable embryos from those. My first cycle ended in a chemical pregnancy and my second resulted in my daughter. I had no embryos left to freeze, let alone extra eggs. The first IVF cycle is often a bit of a “test run” anyway to see how you respond to meds, and they can tweak the meds/protocol for future cycles if the first one doesn’t produce best results.

I was a poor responder to the medication but I then went onto naturally conceive fraternal twins at 40 whilst on the waiting list for another cycle. Fertility can be a strange thing.

If you haven’t already read it, It Starts With The Egg has good advice for improving egg quality.

I had a 2 fresh cycles and 5 / 6 frozen cycles of ICSI. The first cycle I had 29 eggs. They fertilised them the called daily to tell me how many zygotes made it through the night. It's was very stressful. In the end I only had 1 blastocyst and that was implanted. The second round I ended up with 10 blastocyst. I implanted 2 and froze the rest. These resulted in two twin pregnancies and miscarriage and 1 live birth. I spent about £40k.

If I wanted to do what you are suggesting my rationale would be that each blastocyst/ embro is a potential baby. That the idea of having lots of potential babies on ice would make you feel compelled to use them because you wouldn't want them destroyed. However, having eggs frozen is different. They aren't fertilised so they aren't a potential future child.

My DC was my final a result of my last transfer. But, if I had more frozen I would have 100 % wanted to use them.

IVF is pretty brutal. It has a huge impact on so many areas of people's lives. It really impacted my MH. I know loads of people who's relationships didn't make it. I think freezing eggs is very sensible.

A few suggestions:
It's worth having fertility counselling. My clinic offered 6 sessions with each cycle.

Asda pharmacy doesn't make profit on IVF drugs. My clinic charge nothing for a private prescription but some of the drugs were stupid expensive. I got everything much cheaper via Asda apart from progesterone oil.

Oh, I also went to conceive a whoops a baby at 42.

Have you had your meeting yet to go through consent forms and sign them?

We started IVF earlier this year, went through all the consent forms, but got called back in maybe in April? As there were new consent forms.

These covered off consent to use embryos if either partner died, lacked capacity, went into a coma etc. I can't even remember all the different variations, it took over an hour to complete properly.

Would your DH consent to use of his embryos different circumstances?

Personally I think this is smart and sensible.
unromantic? A bit “cold”? Maybe… but so what? It’s the right thing for you

you are the client and consent is key.

its early so sorry if I am being thick but isn’t this an easy solve?

you want at least 1 child with him so as you are creating SOME embryos it’s a non issue I think as you just go to your apps alone where possible and be economical with the truth.

“ I’ve done my cycle, and they harvested my ten eggs. Using your sperm, They fertilised 4 eggs and we have 3 embryos and I have 6 eggs on the side”

edit: I haven’t had IVF (as luckily didn’t need it) but if I had needed it I would not have had it (&told my DH this pre marriage) for the reasons others on this thread outlined. It’s physically brutal, expensive, takes a mental toll and can break good marriages…
some good insights from people who have been through it.

good luck OP 💐

I too think you could be underestimating what’s involved in the treatment and the risks for your health.

Having additional round(s) to seek to have eggs as ‘insurance’ for some circumstances and possible future DC with DH needs to be balanced against what will give you better odds to have a DC.

Stats on babies from frozen eggs are low.

What your DH might think is secondary to these kind of considerations.

Sounds perfectly sensible and up to you. Do you actually need to tell him?

Is it not possible to split the batches and have some fertilised and some unfertilised from each round?

Anyway, if you need to tell him, then that’s fine too. If he were to die or change his mind you will need frozen eggs. They can still be used with his sperm tho.

For the posts above saying IVF is physically brutal, mentally tough, etc. – that wasn’t my experience.

The medications etc were a breeze – no issues at all, just slight bloating – and mentally – not sure what is supposed to be tough about it.

(I understand that the experience of subfertility itself may be tough and everyone is different in how they respond to any medication – but you don’t need to assume IVF will be hard)

Maybe you could ask DH if he'd be willing to undergo a vasectomy after the embryos are frozen. Presumably he wouldn't be happy with this.
You could explain that that'd effectively what you're having to do so you just want some extra insurance in case something unspeakable happens to your relationship, and that otherwise you and he are being left in very unequal situations regarding fertility.

I'm not saying you ask him to have a vasectomy, just ask him the hypothetical 'how would you feel if a vasectomy were part of the deal here, cos that's what I'm looking at so you can see why I'd want to insure against it as otherwise I'm left effectively infertile whereas your reproductive organs will be left perfectly functional'

Agree with the vasectomy comparison. DH didn’t want one for many years primarily in case of divorce/my death, he got one once he felt older, DC older and he decided he’d not want to ttc another DC in any scenario. Fair enough!

I absolutely understand you wanting to do both. Maybe try the technology is advancing constantly, and it may be advantageous to have the eggs separately if and when we need to use them.

Could you do cycle's were you make most into embroys but freeze one/some as eggs?

Can’t you just go through the procedure for IVF (stims etc) and then have half made to embryos and half banked as eggs? You can do it at the same time I’m sure? Many women do lots of rounds of stims and egg collections before they transfer (and it’s recommended if you may want a sibling or large family). Surely you can just choose not to have them all fertilised and some kept as they are? It doesn’t help with how you tell your husband but it’s your eggs and your money, you can kind of do what you want.
Either way - good luck with IVF! You’ll need his support through it, it’s hard and emotional.