Husband is acting very off and causing big family issues – any similar stories?

[tealpassat]

I'm going to try to sum up what's happening in the hope that anyone has had similar issues and has any advice.

My DH has been acting very strangely for the last 18+ months—he's angry and defensive, not talking much, and constantly on everyone's case, nagging about anything. He will repeat one thing over and over and blame us for everything in his life. There is no laughter, fun, jokes, or lighthearted teasing to be had; everything is serious, not funny or rude. I have 2 DSs who are 20 and 16, both at home and are lovely, fun boys.

Neither wanted to come on the family holiday and put up with Dad's weird moods. When he's not home, and it's just us, they are in the kitchen, lounge chatting, talking banter and being funny. The second he walks in, they hurry to their rooms and don't come down—they are out as much as they can be and say they just feel like treading on eggshells when he's around and simply don't want to spend time with him. The moment they step into any area, he's always got a task or a nag for them

I'm getting so fed up now; I'd like to not have my whole life with my DS trashed and cut short with them rushing to move out because he can't regulate his mood.

I'm at a loss; when I talk to him about this or call him out, he says, "It's not me. It's you. "It's not me, it's them." He won't accept that he's angry; he will say, "No, I'm not," even with his face all screwed up—and he won't acknowledge that there is an issue.

He won't even listen to me now, and we barely talk.

I'm close to asking him to move out for a while; I feel like that may be my only choice, or asking him to go and talk to someone or family therapy. Does anyone have suggestions?

My concern and the DS have mentioned is that my DH's dad got dementia in his 60's and my DH is 53 now they have said he keeps repeating himself, he keeps nagging and he seems like he is on a loop I'm staying to wonder and do some reading about early early signs? or could he just be grouchy?

My first thought was that there is another woman that die whatever reason he can't be with, perhaps she's married and won't leave and his acting out his resentment at you and the children.

But now you've mentioned the early dementia and that has thrown a curve ball as that is also entirely possible.

Tricky situation.

re your comment:
"I'm at a loss; when I talk to him about this or call him out, he says, "It's not me. It's you. "It's not me, it's them." He won't accept that he's angry; he will say, "No, I'm not," even with his face all screwed up—and he won't acknowledge that there is an issue.

He won't even listen to me now, and we barely talk".

Its always everyone else's fault except his isn't it?. Guess he has not (and likely will not) see a GP either. Does he work?. Does he/can he maintain any relationships with people like parents or siblings in the outside world?. What is he like to people in the outside world e.g shopworkers etc?.

I would seriously consider your marriage and whether you want to remain in it; I guess you do not going forward particularly if he does not want to address why he is acting like this (because he can). Put your sons and yourself both front and centre now and make yourselves the priority. Seek legal advice re all aspects of separation and divorce as knowledge here is power.

Without knowing what else is going on in your life, I'd say your DH is suffering from stress or depression. Both would lead to angry snappy behaviour without the person realising it themselves. I've been in that place myself.

I would also assume he will refuse to move out.

Many people suffer from stress and or depression and choose not to behave this badly to their family members who are hurting too. Its not a hall pass to behave like this and to date this man has not actually been diagnosed with any medical issue.

Affair or debt is more common. Stress, depression, dementia. How is he with other people. Has anyone out of the immediate family noticed, any issues at work, doing anything unusual or secretive.

Sounds very difficult for you and your boys. Anger can be an early indicator of dementia. Would he be open to go and get checked out?

I'm afraid it could be a number of things. He may be dissatisfied with life and taking it out on his family.

He could be having an affair and this is his way of getting out of the relationships, forcing your hand to end the marriage so he doesn't look like the bad guy.

I think, ultimately, you need to have a sit down and tell him that you are not prepared to put up with this.

Thanks so much for the reply's, it's really helped writing it down and I've spoken to the boys today about the situation. They have said they have noticed a big difference and don't like it when is around, we can't put a finger on it but I have a way close and very open relationship with the boys that he doesn't have, they say they don't trust him, with anything confidential.

So just to answer, no secrecy or affair signs, he does watch porn but not all the time, he does seem low, financially no worries or major issues I'm the main earner but he's just got a promotion.

He's ok at work, so he tells me.

What's highlighted this and prompted the post is his inability to cope in the outside world, we have been away and he's almost panicky, shouty and kind of looks a bit blank, this was while travelling. And then when we got to our destination he seems really out of sorts and almost panic like.

I've never liked how he treats others, he can be a bit dismissive and need reminding to have manners. (His dad is a rude git)

I do think he's developed a bit of an alcohol dependency, but I've called him on this and he is able to not drink if he's watched, otherwise he will drink daily. He needs reminding not too.

I feel like I'm already caring for him when writing this out.

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk he got aggressive when I suggested he needed his hearing checked as he shouts. So I very much doubt he would go for dementia testing.

He's a total head in the sand human.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he's not great with family relationships, he's ignored his parents needs and allows his sister to do all the care.

His friends are all pub buddies not deep friendships, so they would all say he's perfectly fine as they are mostly fair weather friends who all like him.

And yes he's very much a "nothing is my fault" and victim mentality.

I think I would sit down with him and say you need to talk to him with no interpretations. Then say your worried about him and would like the two of you to go to the gp together. Say if he doesn't you don't think you can stay together anymore. And go from there. I assume it's both of your house therefore you could ask him to leave but he might just say no.

At the end of the day, OP you don't have to work out the reasoning behind his behaviour - you just have to decide whether you are going to tolerate this for the rest of your life. Because you can't fix him.

It's enough to say to him, 'I don't want to continue like this. You are fucking miserable to live with. I don't honestly care whose fault you think it is because we are all utterly sick of you. I'll be speaking to a solicitor and filing for divorce'.

Can you move into a spare room and start getting plans together for a new life? Or do you genuinely hope he is going to magically change?

From your post, OP:
"What's highlighted this and prompted the post is his inability to cope in the outside world, we have been away and he's almost panicky, shouty and kind of looks a bit blank, this was while travelling. And then when we got to our destination he seems really out of sorts and almost panic like."

That's familiar. I've suffered with anxiety and depression for decades, and I'm almost certain that's what's going on here. He can be helped, but he has to acknowledge that he has a problem, get treatment, follow doc's orders to the letter, etc. IOW, he's needs to make some hard, painful changes.

Tough love is needed here. He doesn't get to let his depression and anxiety take over his/your life. He owes better to you. You need to tell him that he either acknowledges he has a problem and take steps ASAP to get better, or he leaves. It sounds harsh, but psychiatric illness is not a "treat my family like shit with no consequences" card. He owes it to you and his children.

@Hatty65 we are already in separate rooms, he snores and having asked him for years (6) to ask the GP or work on it he hasn't so he doesn't get to keep me awake.

He has no awareness of the consequences of his behaviour, snores gets thrown out, does nothing?

He did try antidepressants before about 5 years ago but said they made him feel awful and pretty unstable so just stopped them? And has never taken them since.

@LifeExperience I have developed anxiety as part of my perimenopause and sought help straight away it was terrifying and luckily the HRT has calmed it down.

So I could fully empathise with this if that's what's going on. I think I will sit some and have the chat, I'm really not holding out hope that he will get any support but I'm so tired of helping him.

It's the DS distancing that's impacting me hugely, I can't let them get driven away, and they come before him, he's an adult.

You cannot help anyone who does not want to be helped. You can only help your own self ultimately.

This sounds concerning to me. You're describing quite a personality change with lack of insight and that could have a serious structural cause. Frontotemporal dementia, Parkinson disease, brain tumour are a few of the potentials.
Sorry, not trying to scare you though I realise it's difficult to say this without doing so.
I'd be strongly encouraging a GP visit with you present, even if it's under the guise of something else like medication review, as I presume he'll refuse to accept the real reason for going, and then you tell GP the truth once you're in.

Once DC have left home, that's pretty much most of your time with them ended so I would be putting them first. If he won't seek help, you're wasting your time.

I doubt if he’ll ever go to the GP given his overall attitude and previous experience taking anti depressants (was hr drinking alcohol too?). He sounds like he has a long term drink problem as well. His friends are all drinkers.

It is not your job Op to manage his drinking. You cannot control it.

Why are you and he still together?.

OP this sounds like a really difficult situation. About 15 years ago my OH started behaving horribly to me and everyone around him, he was so angry all the time. I kept telling him he wasn't right and needed to go to the doctor. Of course he knew better until one night he had a heart attack! Turned out he had a 90% blockage in a main artery. He survived, and we had a long conversation where I set out that in the future if either one of us felt there was something wrong with the other we would listen, and make a GP appointment. We then caught a second blockage just in time because I noticed his behaviour was changing again.

This might not be the case with your DH but my IH knows that if he ignores my 'advice' he's on his own because I won't tolerate unkind, angry behaviour.

Might be time for a conversation that sets out your clear observations - not just that he is 'angry' or 'rude' but clearly state 'when you said x, it made me feel y'

It's much more difficult to argue against clear observations and their impact on you.

Good luck OP 🤗

Thank you all again, it is concerning and I really think his head in sand attitude will stop any progress.

His own dad's dementia is vascular due to an undetected heart issue, he finally got a pacemaker but not before the damage was done. I'm NC with his parents.

Even the word dementia in this house is treated with an angry response.

He's always had a drink mostly in moderation and accepted social levels, but it has increased and I think he finds it hard to not drink, well harder than I do?

It is the fact my DS are expressing the need to move and stay away and avoid him that is the key driving force for me.

Why am I still with him, honestly laziness, I've been struggling with my own health and rollercoaster of hormones and I've had it drummed into to that you have to work at a marriage, also my own parents that I'm currently mirroring, my mum put up with so much.

I recently read an amazing book about healing inner child, I've unpicked some tricky trama and issues and this is making me notice more and feel stronger and less passive and now I'm seeing a bit clearer and understanding more.

I'm going to talk to him calmly pick a time when the DS are out and see what his response is.

@JemOfAWoman how terrifying hope you were ok during that period, did the anger go after the heart issues were detected?

Don’t bother wasting time healing his inner child. It’s not your journey. It’s his manchild that’s the problem. If he moved back to his parents he’s have to get involved and help out. Send him packing.

Nothing you say about his core personality sounds nice! I’m just here to say even if this latest change is dementia, you don’t have to stay with someone who sounds fundamentally selfish, unloving and unkind.

Just to second what has been said, if you say things like "you're angry" or "you're rude" it may be harder to get him to accept that compared to specific examples "yesterday you shouted when this happened, swore when that happened, said xyz to me, that is a disproportionate response to a minor issue and not an acceptable way to treat me".

Thanks OP, yes it was scary but reassuring to understand what was happening. Yes the anger went after the stent was fitted. I’m convinced it was because not enough blood/oxygen (I’m not a doctor!) wasn’t going to the brain because of the blockage.

we now work on the basis that if we know what’s wrong we can work with it, if we are being tw*ts (which we can both be sometimes!) then sort yourself out.

good luck OP! 🤗