Husband is acting very off and causing big family issues – any similar stories?

[tealpassat]

I'm going to try to sum up what's happening in the hope that anyone has had similar issues and has any advice.

My DH has been acting very strangely for the last 18+ months—he's angry and defensive, not talking much, and constantly on everyone's case, nagging about anything. He will repeat one thing over and over and blame us for everything in his life. There is no laughter, fun, jokes, or lighthearted teasing to be had; everything is serious, not funny or rude. I have 2 DSs who are 20 and 16, both at home and are lovely, fun boys.

Neither wanted to come on the family holiday and put up with Dad's weird moods. When he's not home, and it's just us, they are in the kitchen, lounge chatting, talking banter and being funny. The second he walks in, they hurry to their rooms and don't come down—they are out as much as they can be and say they just feel like treading on eggshells when he's around and simply don't want to spend time with him. The moment they step into any area, he's always got a task or a nag for them

I'm getting so fed up now; I'd like to not have my whole life with my DS trashed and cut short with them rushing to move out because he can't regulate his mood.

I'm at a loss; when I talk to him about this or call him out, he says, "It's not me. It's you. "It's not me, it's them." He won't accept that he's angry; he will say, "No, I'm not," even with his face all screwed up—and he won't acknowledge that there is an issue.

He won't even listen to me now, and we barely talk.

I'm close to asking him to move out for a while; I feel like that may be my only choice, or asking him to go and talk to someone or family therapy. Does anyone have suggestions?

My concern and the DS have mentioned is that my DH's dad got dementia in his 60's and my DH is 53 now they have said he keeps repeating himself, he keeps nagging and he seems like he is on a loop I'm staying to wonder and do some reading about early early signs? or could he just be grouchy?

No chance he's diabetic is there? Untreated it can cause huge mood swings. And discoloured skin anywhere, (nape of neck, armpits typically) excessive thirst and/ or peeing?

I wouldn’t bother with stoptober, it’s just dragging it all out.

This just isn’t fair on you. How much more of your precious time are you going to waste trying to fix him when he thinks he’s fine.

Let him go and be happily grumpy elsewhere. You will all be much better for it.

@tealpassat - if drinking is causing these problems and he were to stop, it is quite likely he will have significant behavioural and/or physical problems. I don’t think that he is well enough to do this unsupported @tealpassat

When anyone uses the phrase walking on eggshells it is an immediate shorthand for abuse.

It's an awful way to live.

I would think twice about giving him a letter. It's very cathartic for you to write it all down, but won't necessary be helpful if you hand it over.

Remember that you are not responsible for his happiness, his health (both physical and mental), or for his behaviours. All of those are firmly on him.

A previous poster was talking about not giving ultimatums. I don't see it like that. I see the setting of boundaries and the spelling out of consequences.

Protect yourself. Protect your sons. If your DH refuses to acknowledge there's a problem of his making then the only person who can effect change will be you.

I wouldn't know to be honest no obvious signs I.e discolouration etc but I think a GP visit is needed to check everything.

@Sicario I'm going to keep writing notes and the letter like you say it's very cathartic and maybe helping me formulate what needs to be raised and the best way to raise it.

Me again! 😬 write the notes for you - treat it as a cathartic exercise, but you must sit with him and give him three objective examples of what he is doing that concerns you.

Say thinks like when you do X it impacts on me by Y. So don't be vague woman's say thinks like "you don't listen to me" say "when I spoke to you earlier you didn't respond to my question" (This is a Specific observation) and it made me feel that you do not care about what I have to say, this is not how I want you to act around me"

Sorry doing this via my phone and I can see a few typos! 🙄
Ask me a question if it helps and I'll do my best to respond

Never mind Stoptober, it's past that. No wonder you're pissed off, what a lot of years and energy and mental and emotional labour you have put in, and for what?

It's fine to decide that this is no longer for you, and you want more for yourself and for your DC.

Steer clear of ultimatums and advice, that's not your role although it might have been. Be very clear about what you will and will not be doing and why, but not prescribe for him.

Good luck, head towards peace.

I think you might treat this letter as a form of journaling. Write what you want just how you feel in the monent. Then sit on it and maybe jot down what would come of it. Then write a different one. Keep writing and thinking until you reach clarity. some of these letters are going to be hopeful, some angry, some cruel, some practical. Some are going to be transactional (if you do x i will do y) some will be, well , terminal, like an eviction notice.

You have already reached a new, higher, understanding of the situation since you started the thread. There is more to do —more space for you to grow into. The letter—and you may not even need a letter when you are done—is only one way of notifying your dh of your decision. It may not be what you need in the end.

One thing that is changing even just on this thread is that as you come to suspect your DH’s situation is partially self chosen (alcoholism and its sequelae) and partially irreversible you are moving from a question (how can I get him to change?) to a resigned sense that you ultimately just want out. The letter “devoted wife pleading for husband to come home ” writes is very different from the letter one writes to a soon to be ex husband. Decide which it is before you actually hand him anything.

Frankly I wouldn’t keep him even if he made heroic and sincere efforts to clean up his act. You don’t love or respect the man underneath the pickling alcohol and the aggressive meanness. Even if he sobers up he isn't going to turn into a fascinating conversationalist and proper companion. That ship has sailed.

If you want to point him towards social and health services on your way out that is kind. But if I were you I would just kindly “let him go with love” as PP said and just wish him well saying “this no longer works for me.”

I am wondering has he been difficult all along but you were accustomed to it. Now your boy is an adult he is calling it..saying this is not normal..l won't stand for this and you are becoming more aware. Its like your blinkers are being removed and you are seeing the real him. Also as we get older we stand for less bullshit so you are beginning to see the light.
Also on holidays he drank a few rums and a few beers. Everyday. That's excess to me. My dh would have 2 glasses of wine with dinner ..that's it. Would you think of attending Alanon for family members of alcoholics as you will get support there. Alcoholics are in denial but so are their families. Or there may be an alternative support group in your area.
Other thing is sleep apnea which in the long term is very disabling due to continued lack of proper sleep and lack of oxygen to the brain. Get mad! Say pick up that phone and call your GP. You need to be monitored for sleep apnea . He will have no idea his snoring is so bad.

I would divorce him - I doubt he’ll move out so you’ll be living together until it’s finalised, it will be hard but worth it in the end - your life will be so much better. You will look back and find it hard to believe what you’re putting up with now.

His own dad's dementia is vascular due to an undetected heart issue, he finally got a pacemaker but not before the damage was done. I'm NC with his parents

You mentioned this earlier, could suggesting he get his heart checked get him to the gp? You could bring up other things while you are there.

Thank you so much all. You are amazing and so kind – I've slept on the whole situation, and now today, there is yet another drama unfolding, that has put my youngest in a situation where he is wary of my DH's behaviour, he gets aggressive and then blames my DS for being awkward etc – I've told him we need to sit down and talk this evening.

Talking to your h is a waste of time and will not go well. Your energies would be better employed removing both yourself and your kids from him.

He drinks to excess and “he gets aggressive “ with your DS? Yes: this situation is dire.

@tealpassat how are things today?