Husband is acting very off and causing big family issues – any similar stories?

[tealpassat]

I'm going to try to sum up what's happening in the hope that anyone has had similar issues and has any advice.

My DH has been acting very strangely for the last 18+ months—he's angry and defensive, not talking much, and constantly on everyone's case, nagging about anything. He will repeat one thing over and over and blame us for everything in his life. There is no laughter, fun, jokes, or lighthearted teasing to be had; everything is serious, not funny or rude. I have 2 DSs who are 20 and 16, both at home and are lovely, fun boys.

Neither wanted to come on the family holiday and put up with Dad's weird moods. When he's not home, and it's just us, they are in the kitchen, lounge chatting, talking banter and being funny. The second he walks in, they hurry to their rooms and don't come down—they are out as much as they can be and say they just feel like treading on eggshells when he's around and simply don't want to spend time with him. The moment they step into any area, he's always got a task or a nag for them

I'm getting so fed up now; I'd like to not have my whole life with my DS trashed and cut short with them rushing to move out because he can't regulate his mood.

I'm at a loss; when I talk to him about this or call him out, he says, "It's not me. It's you. "It's not me, it's them." He won't accept that he's angry; he will say, "No, I'm not," even with his face all screwed up—and he won't acknowledge that there is an issue.

He won't even listen to me now, and we barely talk.

I'm close to asking him to move out for a while; I feel like that may be my only choice, or asking him to go and talk to someone or family therapy. Does anyone have suggestions?

My concern and the DS have mentioned is that my DH's dad got dementia in his 60's and my DH is 53 now they have said he keeps repeating himself, he keeps nagging and he seems like he is on a loop I'm staying to wonder and do some reading about early early signs? or could he just be grouchy?

I’m sorry OP. He sounds like he has always been fairly awful? You’ve needed to remind him to be nice and not dismissive to people? Some level of alcohol dependence. And very stubborn - refusing to seek help for snoring etc.

Being confused in unfamiliar surroundings could be early signs of dementia although it could be the fact that his usual sources of drink have been removed, something that alcoholics definitely find stressful. Excess drink in itself can also exacerbate dementia.

I would try to have that chat. Even if he refuses to engage at least you tried. Then you can decide what to do next.

You don’t have to stay with him.

💐

would you pls share the name of the book you read about healing the inner child? Thanks

I agree with Hatty and Attilathemeerkat. You didn’t cause this and you can’t fix it. Your only choice is whether you sacrifice yourself and your sons to keep playing fake happy families with this miserable git or not. That’s it. You won’t make a dent in his behavior or experience. He won’t change. He won’t benefit from your care or concern. So are you willing to sacrifice the precious remaining years, days, minutes, and seconds of your life to this man?

Of course, it should come with a warning!

How to heal your inner child, Simon Chappell, I got it on spotify and listens the whole holidays, it's fascinating.

You know I'm not sure I am.

I'm sat working out money and what this will look like, it's a massive untangle but I think I need to get ready for this.

I'm exhausted from playing happy families, I think I'm just done and drained of all life. So finding the energy to leave is hard.

We are mid planning permission, we have tons of animals and lots of joint money and assets. But I'm financially independent so can buy him out just!

I do worry he won't cope or talk this well at all, back of my mind I think he would do something stupid. That's not normal right?

You have to put yourself and your boys first. They will leave at the earliest opportunity and won't want to return home for any length of time if he's there. I wouldn't risk that happening for anyone.

I do worry he won't cope or talk this well at all, back of my mind I think he would do something stupid. That's not normal right?

You are not responsible for his choices, no matter what he tells you. Do not let him manipulate you into not putting yourself and your boys first any longer.

Even if he does have health issues of whatever kind, he is making no effort to find out let alone deal with them and blaming everything on you - that is all you need to know about who to put first from now on

I was scrolling down to type the question "How much does he drink" before I saw your post which mentioned his alcohol abuse.

This man is a typical alcoholic who is desparately in denial that he is an alcoholic, and has convinced himself that everything would be ok in his life if only "they" would behave as he wishes and stop nagging, annoying, pressurising him. The "they" in question being parents, children, friends, colleagues, customers, and of course his long-suffering spouse.

Does he appear to look for reasons to get wound up about things, so he has an excuse to have a drink/go to the pub?

If you are having to "remind" him not to drink, I suspect his alcohol consumption may be far higher than you are aware of. Functioning alcoholics are very good at covering their tracks, right up to the moment they aren't.

It's not your job to fix this, and he will only accept the help he needs when he is miserable enough in himself.

Your children have given you the clear message that they are unhappy. You are unhappy. He is unhappy. It sounds like in practical and financial terms, things would work ok for you and your children if you leave. A happier life for the three of you is within your grasp - you can choose it, if you wish.

At the end of the day it doesn't matter what the reason is for his behaviour. Your marriage is no longer really a marriage, he is driving your kids away and making everyone miserable. He doesn't accept he has a problem.

Maybe it's alcohol related, but if it is you can't do anything about it. But say it is dementia. If you continue living with him, you will end up caring for him when things get worse - and if it's dementia they will get MUCH worse and he could live for many years.

You need to think what you want your future, and that of your children, to look like.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation He will start a row and then go to the pub. He will say, "Oh, well, there's nothing to do here if I'm sat watching TV," and go to the pub. He will use any excuse, like a dog walk that happens to go past the pub, so we can just pop in.

He would never drive to any event and would instead not go, even Sunday lunch with extended family; I will drive.

He can go a few days without a beer, and there isn't much booze in the house as I don't drink at home and have never really got into the "wine o'clock" thing.

So the drink is at the pub—he has done the "I'll be home at 10," then 11, then 12, and then turned up utterly smashed at 1 a.m. That's been about two or three times in the last six months.

I hadn't linked his behaviour to the beers as he's always had a few drinks, like 2-3 pints, about 3-4 nights a week since I've known him for 20+ years.

The weird holiday and airport behaviours freaked me out. The staring, not being able to cope, and kind of almost bumbling around looking vague. He nearly looked scared and like a proper little old man all confused. I stood back and watched the anger and weirdness unfold.

I'll give you an example: Passport control called me forward. I took a few steps, and then they put their hand up to stop me, so I stopped and stepped back. When I stopped, he crashed into me—he had followed me closely like a toddler.

So I turned and said, "WTF are you doing?" and he said, "We can go together as a couple; that's how you do passport control" – So when they called me, he followed and then tried to make it look like I was being the idiot.

There are so many more: ordering food wrong, sticking his label on the luggage wrong, and being unable to work out where the sticky was! Pressing the wrong buttons on. The coffee machine and getting muddled was a whole holiday of WTF moments.

It's possible to get alcohol related dementia, so the worst of both worlds.

https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-dementia/types-dementia/alcohol-related-dementia

@catofglory Oh lord. That all sounds pretty familiar. He has another very odd newish trait at home.

Which is his inability to think about food, so he cooks the same food over and over and over again – I'm talking for YEARS – On holidays, he eats the same food from the buffet 10 days in a row and at work, he goes out and buys the same lunch every single day.

He might listen if you and adult DS20 both had a quiet, loving word with him. Whatever it is- anxiety/depression, early dementia, etc- it definitely has a mental health element to it and he should seek some help for it.

If he wants to keep it confidential (there may be element of paranoia that GP will tell his work), he should try a charity like Safeline or Shout

Hi OP me again! Sorry but for some reason your post has really got to me and I really feel for what you are going through.

Anyway now you mention alcohol abuse are you aware of the brain damage that can come from alcohol abuse? I want until a few months ago.

Apparantly the failure in the liver to flush the alcohol toxins out of the body means these toxins go to the brain and over time cause irreparable damage.
So many of the symptoms you describe could be related to alcohol damage to the brain.

It still means you have to get him to agree to go to the doctor but this may give you an idea to discuss with them rather than starting from a blank page.

If like everyone says he's not willing to get help then you have to look after yourself and your children!

Go well 🤗

alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/alcohol-related-brain-damage-arbd-signs-and-symptoms

@JemOfAWoman ahh bless you, this is such a supportive thread; I'm writing a letter to him now.

I think I'm going to hand him a letter and let him read and digest everything – that way, he can re-read and reflect on what's being said. he also can't talk over me with a letter or answer back.

I know without a doubt that when I give him the letter, he will cry, vanish, sulk, and want me to be worried about him. I have no doubts he will pack his bags and move out to punish me.

So I must be prepared for that and give it to him at the right time; I also need to prepare the boys for the fallout – if he has any sense, he will read that, I would like him to work on himself and get help. But he will just read the bit that says "I'm done helping"

one part says "I’d like you to go to the GP and get blood, tests, therapy and maybe look at depression, dementia, hearing and your alcohol consumption and food and try and get a balanced diet – I know you will be reading this thinking “there is nothing wrong with me” but you need to work on yourself now, I’m not doing your work anymore."

"If you don’t take action to work on yourself and look at what is going on, then I can’t help anymore, and I will look after myself and protect my own space moving forward, and you can be responsible for your mental and physical health."

Sheesh. Usually if the goal is to motivate the loved one to get help, it is advisable to leave out ultimatums and declarations that you’re done helping them. It’s also very poor communication to tell anyone “I know what you’re thinking.” I honestly think your letter is calibrated to have the opposite effect you wanted but the exact effect you are predicting. I don’t think he will pack his bags and leave to “punish” you, but to run away from you.

Your proposed? excerpts sound deeply hurtful and unhelpful.

I have no doubts he will pack his bags and move out to punish me.

I would see it as a good result for your own wellbeing.

I'm wondering if it's a combination of things. If he knows his dad had early onset dementia he may be aware of some new difficulties he has had (the holiday behaviour) and that is adding to his aggression/anxiety/denial and is upping his alcohol intake to deal with it. Sort of a vicious cycle with everything contributing to each behaviour.

Doesn't necessarily change your response of course.

Just on the off chance, he is a not unusual presentation for a middle aged severely depressed man, I would be very careful about writing letters that might send him over the edge into suicidal behaviour.

Even if you are so angry and fed up you just want him gone and you’re using the letter as a catharsis for yourself, you don’t want the kind of guilt that comes from handing someone a letter, they read it, cry, leave and then they’re dead.

Try and keep the letter to not being about you and how hurt you are but about how you see how he is constantly angry or panicked or irritated and no one should have to live feeling that way all the time, and how all you want is for him to be his old self and you’re on his side but you can’t help him the way he needs, so he has to look to the professionals..that you have no idea what he is going through but you & the DC are suffering watching him suffer like this and that he isn’t alone, there is help, but you really need him to reach for it because you are overwhelmed now and you can’t fix it for him. If you could, you would have long ago.

This is for your well being I am saying this, not just his.

I think the likelihood is that he's got an alcohol dependency and the symptoms you're describing of being on holiday were likely to be when he was suffering from withdrawal because he wasn't able to drink with you watching.

I don't think whatever approach you take here is going to go down well in truth. He's likely to be in huge denial and your confrontation will just become the reason why he's justified in having a drink so I would hold off that for now. Can I suggest you contact Al-Anon? Even if it's just to clarify if there is an issue - they were a huge support when a friend went through this with her partner.

@LoremIpsumCici , this is helpful. I've only just drafted this while I'm thinking out loud, so I was going to keep revising it. I'm angry at the moment, so I was going to keep coming back to it, so your feedback is really helpful.

I feel so sorry for you but you must put your kids first. I know they are not little children, but they sound like wonderful caring boys and this will be hurting them. Putting some distance between them/you and your husband will help you to think a bit clearer.

Of course your husband is going to react badly but he’s doing that anyway. You cant be responsible for him anymore. Your caring nature has helped him to live in denial.

Time for him to stand on his own two feet and for you and the boys to choose a peaceful life.

Op, what does that even mean, protect your own space, I’m sorry but if you’re going to write something it needs to make sense, and honestly it really doesn’t.

I doubt this, as holiday is the place you can drink a lot usually.

@Rumshotsandrainshowers it was all inclusive so he was drinking form about 4pm, a few rums and then beers in the evening. Not to excess.

One of my friends has just suggested stoptober, she said why not see if he would join you and stop for a month, see how that goes down.