We have been together for nearly 5 years. We have two children and last night, he told me he wants to leave as soon as he’s able to. I can “keep the kids” apparently even though he was the one that wanted lots of kids and I would rather have had a couple of years just the two of us. Anyway, in the past there has been verbal and physical abuse and he’s recently been on a DV course so I thought we were getting somewhere.
I am currently the breadwinner and he does contribute where he can but I pay the rent and 90% of childcare and utility bills. It feels the “soon as he can” stems from the fact that he’s really just using this place as a free rental. He is starting a new job soon so rather than contribute to our family’s household expenses, he will probably just put it towards moving out.
I did confront him this morning about just being co-parenting housemates and he agreed. Throughout our relationship, I’ve caught him messaging other women and he often talks about polygamy. Looking back, I have never felt enough and this morning he confirmed that and said I never have been and never will be.
He claims that he loves me but doesn’t agree with my behaviour, my “black and white thinking” and that I’m not very adventurous because I wouldn’t “exactly go on a cycling camping trip” (I would love to go on a family camping holiday when the kids are a bit bigger). Admittedly, I don’t know how to ride a bike but he knew this when we got together, with 2 kids in 3 years, a lockdown, him going abroad for several months, my mum’s death, an abusive relationship for at least 2 of these nearly 5 years and me being the default parent- I don’t know when he expected me to learn to ride a bike. He went onto say we are too different and he’s not sure what we are doing here together. I asked if he wanted a divorce (we have only had a religious not legally binding marriage) and he said yes.
In the last year, he went abroad on a solo trip for about 4–5 months whilst I held the fort by looking after the kids solo and working full time.
I know I can’t force someone to love me and I also don’t want the kids growing up in a miserable home but I myself am from a family with a single mum and I know how tough it can be. Additionally, I know he wants to move abroad so shared custody would become difficult and I don’t want to really abandon my life here just so he can live out the dreams he has for himself and the kids. He’s said “you can come if you want”, I know he’d rather I not be there.
My question is what do I do? Do I basically just continue to let him stay because I want to keep the peace and normality for our kids? Do I demand that he starts paying his way a bit more or threaten that he leaves? Anyone had an experience similar to this?
Many thanks in advance.