My mum's "other" family and abandonment

[Dotheshivvy]

My mum has possibly made some poor choices, or maybe neglectful choices in life. I am struggling at the moment with the choices she's made.

She wasn't the most consistently engaged mum. My dad spent much of his life in the pub when I was growing up and she seemed to want to do whatever he wanted to do and seemed to lack her own wants and needs and so went to the pub with him very regularly. My brother and I were very much on our own from our early teen years. The alcoholism then led to domestic violence and verbal and mental abuse from my dad towards us children. Mum didn't defend us.

I left home to live with my grandparents at 18, then Mum had an affair when I was 23 and moved away to live with her new partner soon after I fell pregnant with my first child. She moved to Scotland from England, left her job, her home, me and my brother and her unborn grandchild. I was young and scared after an unplanned pregnancy suffering severe pregnancy sickness also but managed to find my feet as I luckily had a good job and thankfully, supportive grandparents.

12 years on, she lives in a one bedroom property with the same partner in Scotland, meaning that we can't easily go and visit her as she has no space for us. She also has a cat and I'm allergic. There are few hotels close by as they live out in the sticks. She has partly retired so travels down to visit us once a month but I really struggle at times with the feeling that she's swapped families and is the mother to her partner's children that I always needed her to be to us.

Her partner is devoted to his kids so therefore my mum is devoted to them too. He is a family man. His kids are generally around 10-15 years younger than me. She often shares social media updates about meals she's cooked for them all and family barbecues she's hosted for them. His eldest child is now older than I was when she left England when I was pregnant. She supports them in their lives and jobs, gives them lifts in her car when they need it. All things I've missed out on with her. The mum I knew was always in the pub with my dad and rarely cooked or hosted for us. I've also been in an abusive relationship myself until 3 years ago and had little support. I'm now learning to undo the family pattern through regular therapy.

It's difficult as we have a good relationship overall, but I struggle sometimes. Then this morning she called me to tell me all about a family wedding she'd attended in Scotland (her partner's neice) and was gushing about all the compliments she received about what a great person she is and how much they all love her as part of the family. They have a large family there. Since my grandparents died, my brother and I only have each other. Her partner's daughter was apparently hugging her and thanking her for making her dad so happy. Something inside me partly feels she prefers her partner's family to her own at times and these feelings of neglect crop up again. She was part of our neglectful childhood, then she abandoned us and started afresh with someone else's kids.

She then posted on social media yesterday "beautiful meal with family, just missing Sarah." Who is her partner's older daughter. She is a few years older than I was when she left England when I was pregnant and I have never been included or missed from family gatherings like that. It really hurts sometimes. My brother tells me I give her too much grace. He keeps a distance from her and they have a strained relationship but I think this just pushes her closer to her partner's family.

Are my feelings valid?

Do you think she was in a controlling relationship with your dad. Maybe behaving the way she did to keep the peace. Most mums would stand up for their children. I wonder if she acts the way she does now as a way of trying to repair what she has done but through someone else. Or has her new partner showed her how to be a parent.
In your situation I would be hurt and frustrated. Have you considered therapy op? This may help you work through it, maybe you could approach her about it if you wanted to. In your situation I think I would be similar to your brother. It sounds like you miss her being the mum you wanted. I’m sorry op it’s so hard. Yes your feelings are definitely valid.

It's tough and I can understand you feeling hurt.

Was your mum very young when she married your dad? It sounds like she got herself into an abusive relationship and couldn't get out. Was she on the receiving end of your dad's abuse too? Was he controlling? What else went on that you didn't know about as children?

She stayed while you and your brother were small, and then when you reached adulthood, saw you safely at your grandparents, grabbed her chance of escape with her new partner and left. It's not great but maybe understandable.

Have you ever asked to spend time with her as an adult, had it out with her, asked her why she didn't defend you as children? Clearing the air might get you some answers even if they don't help you like her any better.

Your mother remains both selfish and self absorbed. She has not changed much if at all since your own childhood, she’s never apologised nor has she really accepted any responsibility for her actions. It’s not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way. I would further lower all contact levels with her going forward to zero sum. I would stop reading her sm posts.

I don't feel like she has chosen his children over you. But she did leave you for him, and I get that hurts

She’s not worth your concern. I would let it go because it’s about her, not you.

It sounds as though she is unable to be a genuine whole person in relationships- in which case her abandonment of you is not her fault either, just bad luck.

Or else it’s a choice she has made in which case she’s not worth knowing.

Neither of those is about you. You’ll
be happier when you stop hoping.

I can sympathise. I had similarly weak mother who put a man first. Now I'm supposed to be happy in my second class position in the family. My advice is to write her a letter explaining exactly how you feel. Also state clearly what you need from her - if anything. She won't change, she won't have an epiphany. Change and self reflection will be too hard for her. However you will feel better knowing you've told her how you feel. Block her social media so you don't have to see it. Either go no contact or very low contact and expect nothing from her. Build other more important relationships.

Yes. Your feelings are totally and completely valid. You write so well.
Well done on seeking therapy. Your Mum is not going to change. Perhaps "snooze" her on social media. You don't need to see it. Good luck🥰

Is your violent alcoholic father dead?

If your mother travels down to see you once a month, she is making a big effort to keep up with you and your life too. Do you travel up to see her and maybe stay in an air b and b for a few days? Meet the new partner and his family more often become more integrated with them. It sounds like just circumstances have brought this about. Can you have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel?

I think by getting her step kids approval she is trying to convince herself of who she is - but you and your mum both know what kind of mother she was to you and she's not kidding you or your brother. I would delete her on social media. It's not going to bring you any happiness seeing her play happy families with a step family.

@Dotheshivvy - I think your feelings are natural and completely valid. Our parents are meant to be a reliable source of love and support. Your mum was an inadequate mother to you and it must hurt to hear her talk the way you describe about her partner’s family. Of course, assuming her stepchildren’s mother is still involved, it has been a much easier task for her than parenting full-time and presumably her partner is not an abusive alcoholic so it has been easier being with him.

It sounds like your mother was young when she married your father and he was abusive so she eventually ran away. She has made some insensitive choices since then. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you and the monthly visits show she wants to remain engaged. Could you discuss how you feel with her? There might be some healing conversations you could have.

My brother tells me I give her too much grace. He keeps a distance from her and they have a strained relationship but I think this just pushes her closer to her partner's family.

Your brother has the right idea. Your mum, for whatever reason, doesn't seem capable of defining herself except through her relationship with a man. So the good news is she's chosen a better one this time (not sure such a great family man would have been entirely happy to ignore his DP's daughter during a terrible pregnancy but he's clearly better for your mum than your dad was). I think you're right that she prefers being part of that family than being reminded of her own failure and neglect, so that's great for her and crap for you.

She's made her choice - the one that is best for her mental health. I suggest you do the same. Mute her on social media so you don't have to see these hurtful comments, reduce the frequency of her visits, and expect little from her, as she doesn't have it to give.

I agree though with other posters, she is making an effort to visit so often, and she obviously cares

Absolutely agree with this, and not the 'oh your poor mum must have had such a difficult time....' I'm thinking of what it'll be like for your dc when she starts having step grandchildren and they see how differently she treats them.
She sounds like an awful, selfish, self central person, clearly doing what's best for herself as evidenced in both relationships.

Your mother sounds like a people pleaser when it comes to the men in her life and that's come at a cost to you and your brother. She was neglectful to you when you were young, as pps say she seems to have defined her life by her relationships with men and sadly it doesn't sound like she's changed much.
You can do one of two things, either go low contact and stop looking at her social media to spare yourself the pain, or address your feelings with her when you meet and make a conscious choice to get more involved with her new family. Do whichever you think will be more helpful for you, but do get some counselling to help you decide which course is best for you and your children. Your feelings are valid here and you need to honour them to help you heal.

Im wondering if she feels guilty and when with you ,it makes it worse for her . So she tries to make a RL with Sarah that is free from any misconceptions of earlier years .She obv loves you as she comes to see you often .Is there not a small B and B or similar you could visit sometimes .She sounds like she had a hard time as well.

@Dotheshivvy
You had a difficult childhood. And your feelings are your feelings, i don’t think validity is an issue.
But I do think you need a lot more therapy to deal with your past, and possibly to reframe your adult relationships.

Your mother had a tough life it seems. Alcoholic husband, she clearly was too weak to fight and resist him. And she was a bad mother to you as teenagers. Granted.
However -she does get to make her life choices as well. She met a good partner; she moved away - not ‘left you’ - when you were a grown up already. You had grandparents nearby for support. And it was your choice to have the baby at 23.
You need to learn to not live your life relying on yourself, and not blame your mothers for your choices. Your abusive relationship was not her fault - you couldn't leave - just like she couldn't all those years ago.

You feel jealous and resentful about things she does for/with her partner’s kids. But it is her life and she is allowed to live it the way she does. And what she does with his family doesn’t really have much to do with you or your relationship. Or, rather, should not.

Main issue here - I think - is that you need to resolve your feelings about your childhood.
Have you actually ever talked to her about it? Does she understand how you feel? Does she feel remorse?

You are getting upset at the wrong thing here while not dealing with the actual issues that are affecting your life.

Also wanted to say that her coming over monthly is something. Not enough to erase the past - but certainly more than what many gp do.

Bur you do need to start having difficult and painful conversations about the past for you to change the way this affects you.

Your Mum is an adult and has chosen the best option for herself. She's not been a good Mum to you and your brother growing up. She seems happy with her life now. You need to stop focusing on your Mum and focus on you and your baby. Your brother is moving on with his life. You do the same. Make friends and give your baby a better childhood than you had. You may be able to find a supportive partner. Also try to include your brother in your life. If he finds a partner that would be another person you'd have in your life. I'd stop looking at your Mum's SM as it upsets you. Is she a caring Grandma to your baby? If she isn't I'd cut her out your life.

Your mother remains both selfish and self absorbed. She has not changed much if at all since your own childhood, she’s never apologised nor has she really accepted any responsibility for her actions. It’s not your fault she is like this nor did you make her that way. I would further lower all contact levels with her going forward to zero sum. I would stop reading her sm posts.

I agree with this and what you lacked in childhood from both of your parents in devastating and requires a lot of recovery from. Your feelings around her behaviour are messages to you about how you should feel about her. I agree with your brother that you give your mother too much grace, more than she deserves. The gaslight is where she tries to convince you that what her in laws think of her is what you should think of her even though she knows what you went through while she was the adult in the family. You would be a fool to share her in-laws views of her based on your own experiences of her and clearly you are no fool.

It doesn’t sound like she has gained any insight. She hasn’t attempted to contact you and discuss any of this with you. Surely her husband’s kids have noticed that you guys are not a big part of her life like they are.
The other thing you need to pay attention to is that Facebook and Instagram posts are not reality. They are all very curated to give one impression only. I would steer clear of it entirely.

My dad wasn't necessarily controlling but very selfish. She was/is absolutely a man pleaser. She married at 21. He was 10 years older.

It's all a bit tragic regarding my Dad.
After mum left and I had my baby he stopped drinking and began joining me for walks with the pram during my maternity leave, he even retrained in a different job and seemed much happier. It was all very surprising and I was cautious. He then had a major stroke soon after and has been cared for since. I visit him quite often as he lives close by. He's a different man than the horrible drunk that I remember but I have a very distanced relationship with him as we have never been close.

I've spoken to mum a few times.
Sometimes she gets upset and says she has regrets, sometimes she blames me and says she "had" to move away because we had planned to rent a house together so that she could leave my dad (I didn't know about the affair at the time). I then became pregnant by my then boyfriend (now ex husband) and moved in with him instead. Giving her "no choice" but to move to Scotland with the man she'd been having an affair with. He had been working in England for a year which is how they met.

My brother is married and I get along well with his wife. My brother, I fear, has developed some of my father's old traits.

Mum definitely makes the effort to visit but she's a bit of a disney grandma- in with gifts galore and then out the door again.

We visit her once a year at most.
I'm not confident with driving on the motorway with my very chatty children in the car and it's three trains to visit and then relying on her for transport but not being able to go to mums house because of the cat so it doesn't really work. My ex husband even drove us last year but that seems a little inappropriate now so we rely on her visits instead.

To add, I've been in regular therapy since my divorce, but I've always talked about my ex and the kids.
My therapist asks me sometimes who is supporting me. I feel embarrassed by that question so I always say "my mum." It's awkward because she does support me over the phone most days but I know it's not really the same.

My dad did similar. He tried to rewrite history with his new shiny family, to hide how much he crapped on his old one.

I distance myself hugely now. Just because we expect decent parents, doesn't mean we will have them. They are as flawed as anyone else. He was once speaking to me while his good friends were there, and they didn't even know I existed. His close friends had no idea he even had other children... Because his current life is painted right into the corners, and we don't fit into the picture.

He moved far away (plane ride) and he once told me in a very blasé way that he doesn't miss a single thing about the UK. I am to presume that includes his first family, ie me.

It does seem your mum makes an effort to see you, but is it only out of guilt? Only you can know the answer. And only you can decide if you can deal with that being her main motivation to see you.

Mine, he's not worth my time.. he hurts me and I want to rid my life of hurt where possible. So low contact it is. It gives unexpected room to heal yourself. It would be stupid to claim this is easy though, it takes years and years, therapy, and also it goes up and down at different times. It's not linear, the healing.

Are my feelings valid? Yes… but (very gently) why are you giving this so much energy? It’s done and it’s not going to change. Therapy may help you to move on but there’s nothing you can do to change the past or make your mother a better person.

I think that I would have to tell her that the comment about Sarah really hurt you.

I'm sorry you have terrible parents.